finding it hard to cope with loss of wife

[Anthony Carlino]

Hello I am new here, though I lost my wife in july 2018, leaving me alone where I have not many friends, no family, just our 2 dogs, and I have found it hard to cope all alone, just here hoping for support

[SSC]

Anthony,

welcome to our community.  I’m so sorry for your loss. No matter how long it has been,  grief is grief and it’s a long difficult journey.  Please know you are among friends who are so helpful here.  I have found great comfort coming to this forum.  So much wisdom and kindness.  

[loveboo]

Anthony, I lost my wife a little over a month ago, a day after she gave birth to our daughter who I thank God is healthy.

I don't really have many friends either but my wife had a whole bunch of close friends even though we were both introverted.  I always preferred to have one very close friend than have many semi-close friends, not that anyone would have to choose between the two but I did and my very close friend was my wife.

While you may be physically alone right now, I hope you know that there are many of us going through the same devastation that you feel right now.  You are far from alone.  Let us know what you are feeling or what kind of person your wife was.  I come here to do those things.

I've gotten a little tired of people telling me that I "need to be strong" and "your wife would want you to be happy" but can't deny that it's true.

[brynel]

Anthony, welcome. Im a newbie too but have received much love and warmth online here across the miles. We r all struggling to find some solace and are here to listen. God bless.

 

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[Anthony Carlino]

thank you, my wife was a wonderful woman, animal lover, rehabbed wildlife, loved nature as I do, she was always one to stop and smell the flowers. I have lost the woman who shared all my interests at heart, it was just her, me and the animals and really did not socialize much, I am not originally from here, my family are all in Ny, she has little family here,  her elderly aunt, and one son who is young and I do not really see or hear from much, so it is just me and our 2 dogs who are highly attention seeking, and it has been hard, trying to work, take care of them and myself, she was a stay home wife and took care of everything which made life easier for myself, now I feel alone in a fog, trying and trying, I am so physically and mentally drained, her demise was a 9 month battle with cancer while I solely for the most part watch, I lost work over it about 5 months lost work because her condition was so bad she needed 24 hour care we could not get due to a long battle for medicaid, so we were living off a go fund me and help from kind people, alot of her at home care was put on me, she had tubes coming from her kidnies to bladder bags that I had to maintain and they had their issues which caused many hospital visits, she also had a neckbrace due to surgery to remove a tumor that spread to her neck though her cancer was cervical, it got to a point where she could not even get out of bed or walk, then medicaid kicked in and she lived her last month and a half in a nursing home, until I held her hand as she took her last breath. The whole thing has traumatized me to a point I can't get out of, like living in a nightmare I can not wake from.

[brynel]

I cant even imagine Anthony how excruciatingly painful it must have been for your wife to go thru all what u described and for u to watch her in that agony. There is nothing more heartbreaking on this earth than to see the one u love the most - in pain. I can also relate to the helpless feeling u r going thru..where she used to manage the home and now u r just left all alone. Its a lonely path and there r days where u will feel like u dont know where u r heading. I too am an introvert by nature and i miss my husband terribly. He left just before what wud have been our 15th wedding anniversary. Im just 51 days down this road and have moments daily where i feel im going insane. Its such a relief to communicate here with people who feel the way i feel. Hang in there Anthony.

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[Anthony Carlino]

yes I feel helpless, alone, like I lost limbs, feel in the darkness alot, I also feel for our dogs, especially our oldest who we had since a puppy, he is grieving, and seems sad, their lives have changed drastically, it hurts me to see them like this

[ModKatB]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer Feb 9th last year and it is not easy to watch your loved one go thru that kind of pain. This journey is long and hard but you are not alone and there are others here who understand the emotions that seem to have taken over your life. We all deal with grief differently and each of us has to find the things that help us cope and sometimes it just means making it from one minute to the next.

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[ModHerc]

@Anthony Carlino,

I am so sorry for your beautiful wife and you.  My wife and I didn’t suffer the medical issues to the extent you did, but I have spent many evenings sleeping in a hospital chair next to her bed.  I do know the additional impact being a caregiver brings.

I found it very painful at the start of my grief journey to go through stores and know I no longer had to buy her juice to prepare for low blood sugars, bandages for her foot, saline to wash her wounds.  I understand how simply going to the store becomes a battle, and you skip entire aisles simply because you know they will bring on a wave of grief.

Regarding your dogs, I have heard miraculous stories about pets that “recovered” when they were brought to the grave site, or presented with an urn holding the ashes.  I don’t know the arrangements you made, but possibly something along these lines could help.  More importantly, simply continue to give them the love they need, I am sure they will return it.  I am an animal lover as well, and am so thankful our pets have helped me throughout this process, and that I could be there for them as well.  Hoping you find peace and comfort among those who empathize,

Herc

[Brazil Man]

Hi Anthony

I know how you feel .I also lost my wife to cancer. It was in  May 28, 2018 and I still suffer a lot.
My heart goes out to you.

[Brazil Man]

10 hours ago, ModHerc said:

I found it very painful at the start of my grief journey to go through stores and know I no longer had to buy her juice to prepare for low blood sugars, bandages for her foot, saline to wash her wounds.

Yes, Herc, it's very painful to know that we no longer have to buy the things we used to buy for our partners. Sometimes I enter a supermarket and see something my wife liked to eat,
I have the impulse to buy it, but I imediately remember she will not eat it anymore.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Anthony Carlino said:

Hello I am new here, though I lost my wife in july 2018, leaving me alone where I have not many friends, no family, just our 2 dogs, and I have found it hard to cope all alone, just here hoping for support

 

19 hours ago, Anthony Carlino said:

thank you, my wife was a wonderful woman, animal lover, rehabbed wildlife, loved nature as I do, she was always one to stop and smell the flowers. I have lost the woman who shared all my interests at heart, it was just her, me and the animals and really did not socialize much, I am not originally from here, my family are all in Ny, she has little family here,  her elderly aunt, and one son who is young and I do not really see or hear from much, so it is just me and our 2 dogs who are highly attention seeking, and it has been hard, trying to work, take care of them and myself, she was a stay home wife and took care of everything which made life easier for myself, now I feel alone in a fog, trying and trying, I am so physically and mentally drained, her demise was a 9 month battle with cancer while I solely for the most part watch, I lost work over it about 5 months lost work because her condition was so bad she needed 24 hour care we could not get due to a long battle for medicaid, so we were living off a go fund me and help from kind people, alot of her at home care was put on me, she had tubes coming from her kidnies to bladder bags that I had to maintain and they had their issues which caused many hospital visits, she also had a neckbrace due to surgery to remove a tumor that spread to her neck though her cancer was cervical, it got to a point where she could not even get out of bed or walk, then medicaid kicked in and she lived her last month and a half in a nursing home, until I held her hand as she took her last breath. The whole thing has traumatized me to a point I can't get out of, like living in a nightmare I can not wake from.

I am so sorry for your loss, you and your wife have truly been through a lot, I wish our government would help and not make people wait for it when they have such need.  Thank God for the kind people on the gofundme.  You are in my prayers, as you and your dogs struggle to get foothold after so much loss. 

When I lost my husband, it was unexpected, he barely 51, and I was in shock, not knowing anything about grief or loss, how to handle it, scared.  I wrote this article at ten years, of what has helped me, and I share it with you in the hopes something in it will be of help to you.  I'm very sorry, I know this is hard, the hardest thing I've ever tried to make my way through and I am sure everyone feels that way...we welcome you here, you're with a good group of people here.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Moment2moment]

Anthony-

I understand and feel your pain as well. I lost my partner of 28 years in May. She was ill for several years and spent her last 6 months suffering and dying in hospice. I am haunted by the sights, sounds, emotions, horror of what she went through until the end. I know what that is like carrying all that around in your head and heart. I am glad you found your way here. I hope you can find some comfort and support here as I have. 

[Anthony Carlino]

Thank you all for your understanding and support

[EternalFlames]

On 1/14/2019 at 3:18 PM, Anthony Carlino said:

thank you, my wife was a wonderful woman, animal lover, rehabbed wildlife, loved nature as I do, she was always one to stop and smell the flowers. I have lost the woman who shared all my interests at heart, it was just her, me and the animals and really did not socialize much, I am not originally from here, my family are all in Ny, she has little family here,  her elderly aunt, and one son who is young and I do not really see or hear from much, so it is just me and our 2 dogs who are highly attention seeking, and it has been hard, trying to work, take care of them and myself, she was a stay home wife and took care of everything which made life easier for myself, now I feel alone in a fog, trying and trying, I am so physically and mentally drained, her demise was a 9 month battle with cancer while I solely for the most part watch, I lost work over it about 5 months lost work because her condition was so bad she needed 24 hour care we could not get due to a long battle for medicaid, so we were living off a go fund me and help from kind people, alot of her at home care was put on me, she had tubes coming from her kidnies to bladder bags that I had to maintain and they had their issues which caused many hospital visits, she also had a neckbrace due to surgery to remove a tumor that spread to her neck though her cancer was cervical, it got to a point where she could not even get out of bed or walk, then medicaid kicked in and she lived her last month and a half in a nursing home, until I held her hand as she took her last breath. The whole thing has traumatized me to a point I can't get out of, like living in a nightmare I can not wake from.

So sorry for your loss Anthony!

I also lost my wife to cancer, about 3 years ago for me now. Her battle was also about 9 months, where her health declined horribly, tubes, treatments, 24 hour care, eventually confined to a bed, etc. That first year is a nightmare. The fog, the exhaustion, the deep sadness, the trauma, the loneliness and isolation. Not only are you dealing with the grief of her loss, but watching your other half suffer through that cancer battle is traumatic too. And something that doesn't get talked about enough is caregiver burnout. You give everything you can to be there with her and support her through the end, but over those months it takes a toll and burns you out. Then you're burnt out.. and she dies... and all of a sudden you're dealing with both grief and burnout, all alone without your partner. How could anyone work or function like that? What you're describing is normal and OK.

Everyone's pain and experience is different. All I can say is it does get better over time. You need time to heal and process that trauma. What helped me was to invest a lot of time and energy into self-care. Go out with the dogs. Get a lot of cardio. Learn how to cook some easy healthy meals and make sure you're nourishing your body. Try as best as possible to keep to a regular sleep schedule (lol yeah... sleep isn't easy... just try).  The more you take care of yourself, the more you're helping yourself heal.