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Meliss W.

6 months since my loss - Is there really hope?

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Meliss W.

My husband was diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma, a benign skull base tumor in March 2018, but it was the size of an apple and had cysts into the brain stem. From the time of his diagnosis, I tried so hard to save him. I quickly got him in to the Mayo Clinic with the best surgeons. I prayed non stop. The surgery got most of the tumor but not all, and additional treatment to get rid of the rest of it would be needed. After a month, he seemed to be getting better, but I knew he was sad and worried about his continuing disabilities walking and with his hands shaking, but I did not think he would ever hurt himself.

On June 11, 2018, after diner he went upstairs and shot himself.  I should have known he was suicidal - I didn't. I should have protected him. I feel so guilty that I didn't realize he would do this. I know he wasn't thinking clearly, but I truly thought we starting to get better. My adult daughter says I have blood on my hands and has cut me out of her life, she blamed me for signing for the surgery and says I should have let him die the way he wanted too without it. I loved my husband so much, there is nothing I wouldn't have done to save him. He was my whole life, my rock and my only love.

Since he died I have not had a single moment of happiness. I am so sad. I cry all the time and am just so sick of life and pain. I have Xanax to numb me and they tried me on an antidepressant but it make me worse.  I went to counseling, too, but nothing has changed, words don't change a thing.

I have a college son. I am trying to get him to help him finish college but my husband used my son's gun my son's room  and so it is devastating for him, too. I love my son but I am so tired of trying to be strong.. I want to be with my husband. I want to make sure my son is okay, but then I don't know. My heart and soul are broken beyond repair. It's been 6 months and I feel the same level of hopelessness and despair. 

I can't see a life without my husband. We started dating when I was 16 and I am now 60. I am so very, very sad, hopeless, and I don't' know how to live now, or if I even want too. I am not the same person. My heart and soul are gone. There is nothing left for me. No, I am not suicidal, but I do feel my life is over. No one I know understand.

I am so lost. Is there hope of surviving this? I don't know how.

 

 

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Dear Melissa,

Sending you love and hugs. I am so horribly sorry for all the pain and sorrow you have endured. It is more than one person should have to cope with.

During this extremely sad and difficult time, I know it feels hopeless, but I want you to try and hang on. Keep reaching out and know that people care and love you. There are many supports in the community and through church. I would keep going back to counselling or join a support group.

I also found lots of support on these websites or through Facebook:

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Recovery Method

GriefShare

Please also consider posting in the Loss of Spouse forum where there is more support.

Thinking of you. Please know you are not alone. We are with you.

 

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loveofmylife

I am almost 5 months in to this horrible ordeal myself.  Our child is pretty young, so she requires a lot of care, but I find staying busy is the only helpful thing. My life as I knew it before is over and I am working extremely extremely hard to accept it without bitterness.  I have been doing anything small that makes me happy or helps me forget for a little bit.  I figure, I spend enough of the day remembering and upset and sad and angry and with every negative emotion there is at some point floating through my head so I think it is healthy to have times when I forget or I'm not actively thinking about it.  Baking is that time for me, my mind goes blank and focuses on the task at hand.  I work full time which helps too.  I don't want to go to work in the morning, but the work is good for me because otherwise I would sit in my house and cry, because that is what I do when I am not at work and my baby is asleep.  I just cry or look at videos or re-live memories.  I am trying very hard to be grateful for what I do have, which is a suggestion another member made and it does help a little.  I have lost someone so important to me, the most important to me aside from my child and suicide is truly a terrible way to lose someone.  It will eat away at me to know it was suicide, but only if I let it.  I am very determined not to let it eat away at me.  I know my husband did not want that.  My therapist tells me that only we can control how much we suffer, which sometimes sounds ridiculous, but at the same time I DO have some control over how I feel.  I am doing my absolute best to purposefully not languish on negative feelings, I have them, I have a lot of them, but I try to push them away from me and think of what I do have that is still good.  The truth is that I have a lot that is still good.  Truly I do feel sometimes like he took everything the was good in my life when he died.  I recently watched a video of us with our child and I was laughing in it and I thought I haven't laughed like that since he died and I haven't.  My life is different now and yes it is worse, but I try to remind myself that there are other folks who have similar loss and I am sadly not the only one managing this kind of pain.  I am not the only person that looks in the mirror and is not sure who she is anymore because he is not there.  It hurts to know other people go through this, but it also lets me know there are others who are bearing the burden of their loss and I can survive as well.  I lost a lot and I am well aware of that, but I know I have to try to stay positive or this whole thing will quickly overwhelm me with negativity.  I am not trying to "be positive" these days because I am naturally a happy person, but because I want to survive and be a decent parent to my daughter and I know I cannot live if I let my desire to think negatively overtake me.  I also want to make it clear, I would not say that someone I interact with would say oh wow she is being so positive.  I am just saying with my internal thoughts I am working hard to avoid the overly negative thoughts. When I find I am sitting, brooding with negative emotions I actively turn them away.  Guilt is a major one, I actively tell myself I did not do this, because I did not.   

I can't see a life without my husband either, so right now I am just doing all that I can to fill my time and take time to be sad.  I had a revelation the other day which was very stupid and obvious, but it helped me.  The revelation was that I was supposed to be very very sad right now and that was normal and that was OK and it was the right way to feel. It was also that grief and sadness from my grief is the season of life I am in.  My husband just died, so it is a season of grief.  Sure, the season may last with several months to several years of active mourning and I will take as much time as I need to process this.  However, it is a season and like all seasons it will change.  I have had other seasons of my life and those seasons changed time and time again so I tell myself change will come again sure as the sun.  This is not to say that I think one day in the future I won't miss my husband or be upset about his death, but at some time this season will pass and I will be in a place emotionally where I can look forward to something and look beyond my grief.  I don't know what that something is, but I know that that time is not right now and that is OK.  However, I trust that this is a season and I will not be so distraught like this forever.  I tell myself I am resilient and I am a survivor because I am and you are too.  

 

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