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Kelly

Divorce is a huge loss in people's lives. Most people grieve for two years over a divorce. Also many divorces are caused by a death in the family - especially the death of a child. Please share your stories here and find comfort in others.

 

Kelly

President of Beyond Indigo

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mofirefly

I myself have not been divorced - but my son was and as a result of that difficult and horrible event, I lost my first born granddaughter as her mother moved away and no longer allows me any form of contact.  I'm glad you have included this subject on your site because divorce is quite similar to death to me as it causes so much pain and heartache.  Thank you for starting yet another place to vent.

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rodless

I have been divorced for a little over 24 years. It was the most dehabilitating life experience I've ever had. I lost a person I loved, I lost my dignity and self-esteem thanks to his cheating, I lost my home, I lost my social network and I lost the security of having a co-parent for kids ages 4 & 6 as he moved 600 miles away. Also a secure income as I was a stay at home mom at the time. It took me 5 years, lots of counseling and support groups to get my life together again. Even after all this time I can remember the thoughts of suicide and the terrible terrible anger followed by depression. Later I was blessed to find the true love of my life (who had been through a similar divorce) and discover what a good marriage is all about. For me the divorce was much worse than being widowed because Rod would have never left me if he could have found a way to stay and I was able to maintain most of my life style. BUT I know everyone's story is different... it depends of who wants out of a marriage and why.

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mikesmum

My first husband left me 6 weeks after our third child was born. I was young resiliant and felt I could conquer the world. 

In that same year my dad retired and suffered the first of what was to be many heart attacks, six months later he died in surgery.  During that time my focus went to keeping my young family together and supporting my newly widowed mother.  Again, strong, focussed able to leap tall buildings.

A couple of years later a remarried.  He was a great guy. He took my three on and we came together as a family. Six years into our life together he began to change.  He was angry, unsettled.  He began to lose his balance, his memory and thinking was none existent and he became incontinent.  Doctors suggested it was getting older, or just the newness of our marriage wearing off! One even went so far as to order blood tests for me to see if I was menopausal!

I persisted and finally he was diagnosed with hydracephalus caused by aqueduct stenosis. This caused pressure on his brain and in turn affected him physically and mentally.  Surgery saw a return of his physical capabilities but the damage to his personality and memory were permanent.   During his recovery, a neuropsychologist spoke with me about 'loss'.  She was concerned that not achieving a complete return of my husband as he was could cause problems.  I really didn't get it at the time.

After 10 yrs of marriage and having survived his surgery he came home one day and said....I can't do this any more.  He packed a bag and left, returning the next day with his parents to take some furniture and personal things.

I spoke with his dad who was so apologetic and emotional.  He said he felt guilty that they hadn't listened when I told them I thought something was not right with their son.  He sat with me  tears in his eyes as his son went about packing up his life and told me of how he felt he had lost his son some time ago.  The person left looked physically the same, but his personality and behaviour was that of a total stranger.

I finally got it.  During this time I was grieving too.  Just like my father in law, I too had lost someone I loved.  They had not died but they were no longer here.

It took another 10 years before I let anyone get close.  Malcolm and I met through work and married in November 2006.  January 18th 2007 saw the strongest test of any relationship.  Malcolm was the Intensive Care Paramedic that worked on my son for 55mins. 

Throughout our lives loss present in many ways and the impact of that loss on our lives varies from person to person. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. With each loss at what ever level, a little piece of me dies each time and is never truly recovered.

Blessed be to those who have lost

 

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mofirefly

Dear Mikesmom (Trudi) - I've read many of your posts are hope you find this response.  I just read a reply of yours in which you mentioned you are not being allowed to see your granddaughter as your son's partner is denying you any contact.  I too am not being allowed to see my first born granddaughter, but due to divorce and I posted about it in the divorce area.  If you would ever want to talk out your feelings about this, I feel I could relate - it's not exactly a subject that many others talk about, just like most don't talk about grief and lost loved ones.  Anyway, I manily wanted to let you know that your posts are uplifting and I admire your faith.  Please take care!

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mofirefly

Dear Rodless - I just noticed you had posted in this area as well (I'm having problems winding my way thru the new boards).  I have read many of your posts as well, and wish to let you know that you and Trudi and so many others have been a source of strength for me.  I have not experienced the losses you have, but as I read posts, the expressions of faith continue to weave their way and come off the computer screen to wrap themselves around me and help me hold myself together.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts and may you take care as you continue on your journey.

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rodless

Mofirefly,

It is funny you would post to me today on divorce as it would have been my 36th wedding anniversary....this is always the one day of the year that still can be a little painfu. I also scoot all over this board and have often read your posts, too. It is so wonderful that we can all help each other! Thanks!!

I am sorry about your problem with grandkids. I stayed in contact with my ex's parents after he moved and they often kept the kids for me. It was strained but we made it work for the kids sake. I would have hated not having them know each other. Maybe time will help your situation? It always seems to soften issues.

Happy new year!! Mary Jo

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mikesmum

[user=15510]mofirefly[/user] wrote:

Dear Mikesmom (Trudi) - I've read many of your posts are hope you find this response.  I just read a reply of yours in which you mentioned you are not being allowed to see your granddaughter as your son's partner is denying you any contact.  I too am not being allowed to see my first born granddaughter, but due to divorce and I posted about it in the divorce area.  If you would ever want to talk out your feelings about this, I feel I could relate - it's not exactly a subject that many others talk about, just like most don't talk about grief and lost loved ones.  Anyway, I manily wanted to let you know that your posts are uplifting and I admire your faith.  Please take care!

Mofirefly (Marilyn) Thank you for your thoughts.  It is another form of loss to be denied access to your grandbabies.  Micheals death devestated us all, but his partner taking away Harmony made the loss even harder.

We were granted the ability to send Harmony gifts, however, the first one was delivered by local police (as per the court order), the officer came back and told us she was going to put it in the appropriate recepticle.  In his opinion any gift or card sent would end up in the bin.  We can send them, she doesn't have to give them......

So we now send a card.  I copy each one and paste it in a Journal I am keeping for Harmony.  The family write messages and memories, on Birthdays and Christmas the other grandkids draw pictures.

We decided to build a bracelet of memories for her.  A golden charm bracelet.  Each charm signifies a birthday, christmas and some will reflect memories of her dad.

The first is a heart with her name.....it will be something we can give her when she finally comes back to us.....that maybe when she is grown, but she will always know she was loved and missed over the years.

I hope you will eventually get to see your baby granddaughter.....the parents might have divorced, but no one seems to know that grandparents are forever......

Blessed be.....Trudi

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angelgirl63

Divorce is absolutely like a death. I have been divorced since early 2004 and remarried to a wonderful man, but I will never get over the hurt of my first husband of 16 years,  leaving me and our sons for that homewrecker.

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Kelly

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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Daniel39

I'm currently going through a divorce and this has seemed toto do WONDERS for my weight loss. I am at the weight I was at this time lastyear but I also gained 15lbs and now have lost it, so I guess i'm right backwhere I started.

My husband was the type who could eat 10,000 calories a dayand never gain a pound. He would eat full meals before we went out to dinner,and then eat again. He was tall, skinny and muscular and the same size as hewas when he was 17. Me on the other hand gains weight very easily. I seemed toput on a lot of weight during the time I was with him, then lose, then gain andthen lose. Being married to a skinny person makes it easy to get off track

But now, I have a lot of free time on my hand and I onlygrocery shop by myself. I've learned that eating 1,200 -1,500 calories a dayREALLY DOES RESULT IN WEIGHT LOSS. Whereas before I would starve myself, seequick results and then fail again. The weight is not coming off as fast, but Iknow it will be worth it.

I feel better, and have energy and seem to be on the rightroad. However, somedays I just can't even get out of bed because I'm depressedabout the divorce (doesnt help that he left me for a skinnier girl than me, whoby the way has the same name as me, lovely). Also suffered a miscarriage inApril at 3 months. All sorts of good stuff going on emotionally

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jendup1

Hi, I'm going through a divorce at the moment. My husband of almost 14 years just all of a sudden told me that he wanted a divorce...claiming he has never loved me....?! We have 2 children (aged 12 and 13). I was admitted to a clinic after he told me about a divorce...it was the end of my lIife!! Why? Because I've never loved anyone (besides my kids) more. We moved about 400km's away from him about 2 months ago. He moved all our furniture to a new house...in an area where my kids and I are closer to my family. He gave us EVERYTHING...just to get away from me! Was I such a bad wife? I've always taken such good care of him and the kids. I was even told not to work, so I could be at home with the kids and there for him. I dont know how to be anything else but a wife and mother. He has studied through the years, but I havent, because I've been taken care of him and the kids and the household. Now I have to find a job again...try! There are so many things I am angry about, but I still love him and miss him...I wish I didnt...when will this go over?! He has now decided to move in with very young and single guys (we are both 37) and buy a motorbike and says he wants a younger girlfriend. I cant stand the thought of him being with someone else or have more chid(I cant) Could he be going through a midlife crisis? Well, I'm just glad I have my kids. I have always kept my body in a good condition and dont think I am unattractive. Infact...everyone says I look alot younger than my age. I have such mixed feelings at the moment...I hatie him and I love him. I believe that rejection is worse than death!!! I feel so very alone. I know God has chosen. Will I ever find love again? I hope so, because I have so much to give!

Any advise?

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lovemeagain13

If anyone can help me to get through my divorce it would be greatly appreciated. The more I talk to ppl tye better I feel but I know my family and friends are tired of seeing me this way. I stiil communicate with him half a$$ but that hurts more. I was with him for 23yrs and he left cause I asked for his time. I did argue alot but I missed him. I know he is seeing someone cause he treats me the same way everytime. Yes he has cheated b4 just 2yrs ago. I left him alone and it took him 2 or more weeks to figure he missed me I guess. I never got over that and he is doing it again. My heart cant take it , my body is weak and im just devastated. Please help!!!!

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