Losing your father in your 20's

[loveaquarius]

I'm not sure how to start something like this. I haven't been able to find a way to express my feelings or what madness is going on in my head ever since a few months ago. I'm 22 years old and I lost my father suddenly 6 months ago. My father was only 45 years old. He was animated, comical, smart, ambitious, down to earth, and a respectable businessman. My mother found him, cold to the touch, on the couch early in the morning and she called an ambulance and called my boyfriend to tell him to meet them at the hospital because my father was unconscious. By the time he woke me up and we got in the car, I was notified that he was dead at the scene. We were told that his cause of death was a heart attack in his sleep. Growing up, my father and I had a special bond. I was close with my mother but never had that close relationship like I did with my father. I was practically his twin. He was the only person who really understood me. Naturally, my brother was very close with my mother (they are pretty much the same person). After my father died, my family has been a mess. My mother of course is having a really hard time, we all are. But, I feel like I've lost a huge part of me. My brother and mom are close and spend a lot of time together. I naturally get left out because my person isn't around anymore. We make time to see each other but I always feel like I'm the odd man out and they don't understand me. Just a month before my father passed away, I announced to my parents that my boyfriend and I were expecting a child in February. My parents were beyond excited, especially my father. He cried hysterically in happiness. Being pregnant and trying to cope with my father's death has been the hardest thing for me. My father and I have always been the "strong" ones in our family and I feel like with the passing of my father I had to be that person for my family. But, I feel like in doing so I have avoided dealing with my dad's death. I also feel like I have to minimize my stress and can't think about it because I don't want it to affect my child. Every step I go through (finding out the gender, the baby shower coming up, etc.) during this pregnancy is harder and harder because I don't have him here. His birthday is in two days and I feel obligated to go to his grave but I haven't had the guts to go yet. I just feel so lost in my emotions, incredibly alone, and I'm not sure how to handle it all. What bothers me most is that I don't feel like I feel him around anymore (if I ever felt him around). I don't feel like I'm able to vent my feelings to my family because they are going through it as well and I'm sure my boyfriend is over hearing it but I feel like writing about it may help me cope. 

[reader]

Dear loveaquarius,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know its extremely hard to lose a beloved father. It sounds like you were two peas in pod. And that just makes it harder. Please know what you are feeling and thinking is natural and normal. Grief is a long road and six month is still very early. Be kind and gentle with yourself.  Keep writing out your feelings and sharing with us if you want. I also found these websites helpful for additional support.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

GriefShare.Org

Grief Recovery Method

Grief Healing Blog

There are also lots of support in the community and through church as well.

Please know you are not alone. We will be with you.

Take care. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[MissesB]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am in a similar situation. I’m 28, lost my Dad a few weeks ago, and I’m pregnant. The hardest part for me so far has been knowing that he will never get to meet my baby, and my baby will never get to experience the love and joy of my Dad. Every time I think about it, I cry. And like you mentioned, I feel like I need to try not to get too stressed or sad because I don’t want it affecting my baby. But I feel like bottling up the sadness and grief is going to be harmful long-term. I’m really worried about getting post partun depression, knowing how common it is in the average new mother, and now I’m in a poor emotional state before baby even arrives. 

[Jess Marie]

I love reading posts that are so relatable, because it makes me feel like I'm not alone or going crazy. I'm 22 now, but I lost my father when I was 18. He, also, passed away suddenly. I was actually the one who found him when I came home from class in the afternoon. Similar to you, me and my dad were the "strong" ones in our family. When he passed, I lost my best friend. My mother and I were never very close growing up, so this journey has not been easy (and anyone who has lost someone will/has gone through a difficult journey). You mention how you've felt like you've had to be strong for your family and, as a result, avoided to deal with your dad's death. I've been doing this for over three years now. Things have only gotten worse. While everyone went to therapy, I avoided talking to anyone about what happened that day, how I felt about it, or how I've felt since then. I keep everything to myself because I don't want anyone to worry about me. Just to give you some advice...care for yourself! I know you want to be strong, but you won't be able to mentally or physically take care of others if you do not care for yourself. Currently, I've been in such a fog and it's hard for me to find happiness in anything nowadays. We keep our loved ones in our hearts always. Stay strong.