**** *** 2018

[John/Wendy]

I’m not one to curse. But this time, it’s appropriate. 

Dear 2018, 

   You have been the worst year of my life. I watched the love of my life suffer, endure and succumb to triple negative breast cancer. She went through horrific radiation burns, two chemo treatments, painful lymphadema and brain surgery.  I watched my children and grandchildren witness the horror as well. My heart and soul and future plans were torn from me. I stayed in the same hospital as my wife for 7 days waiting on and going through,quadruple bypass surgery.  I then had to go home with my wife into hospice care and recuperate from my own surgery. I couldn’t even hold her in her final days. My home now holds memories of hospice and death along side of 30 years of marriage. You, 2018 are something I will hate every year of my life. You took so much from my life and from so many from people in this forum. But what you can’t take from us are these...

Loving, happy memories.

Years of meaningful, enduring relationships.

Forever Sweet hugs and kisses.

Family’s we’ve grown and cherish.

Future hopes and dreams

Hope for each other and all those who will ever face death and this dark part of life.

To you 2018. You were just a dark time in my life. I leave you with no more power over me. I only have the future. 2019 and all the years ahead will be harder and different without our Loves. But we will not let one year define or take away from our past beautiful lives nor limit our potential for happiness in our hopeful destinies.

Hope Love and Healing to all.

[Brazil Man]

I also lost my wife to cancer.
2018 is the year that many of us here lost the loves of our lives. It's a suffering year that we will never forget. Now 2018 is gone and it's already 2019.
What can I say ? 2019 will be a year that the loves of our lives will not be present. It's a full year without them.

[tlc]

That is so true. How to get through and endure the next year without our best friend, lover, soul mate, champion and one and only love forever? Can you tell me because I don't know how to do it?

[Brazil Man]

I don't know how, TLC. The only thing I know is that it will be pure sadness. Our loved ones will be only a memory from the past. It will take a lot of time to heal the wounds.
There will be no complete cure for me but lots of scars.
 

[KayC]

For me it was 2005.  But not only 2005 but every year since.  I wonder how it can be that this much time has passed, how is it possible that I am living my life without him?  Holding on, holding on for the day we'll be reunited.  That and knowing that his love still exists and that everything we had together still exists, I'm just alone physically, waiting through the longest separation we've ever had.  

For those of you with more recent losses, my heart goes out to you.  I know the rawness, the pain, having to learn to do "life without", damn it's hard.

[Moment2moment]

Yes, I just said to a friend on the phone that 2018 was the worst year of my life. 2017 was the second worst.

I am trying to face 2019 with courage and gratitude and hope so that I can survive and maybe thrive in the years I have left. And oh how they fly by!

None of us can change what has happened but maybe we can find some peace and rest. I could sure use some of that.

[John/Wendy]

I agree. Never in my worst dreams did I ever see this coming. This empty house is not a refuge anymore. I can hardly stand to be in it. I can’t bring myself to do much more than laundry, vacuuming and dishes. It’s all to overwhelming. So much to do and my mind just keeps looking for her. I try to stay positive for my kids sake. They are my only reason to stay here. I keep thinking about an old Science Fiction movie, Soilent Green. Where an old man goes to a place that allows people to end their lives peacefully. The end result is gross, but the idea of allowing people the choice and dignity of ending their lives seems so humane. How much easier and loving would life be if we could choose to leave “with our loved ones” or when life and grief are too much to bare? I imagine wheeling my sick wife up to a place like that and just going through the door together. What a blessing that would have been for both of us. But then I also know in my heart, my beautiful wife would have used what was left of her strength, to beg and plead for me to stay and be there for our kids. That’s one of the hardest parts of this. Knowing that she’s seeing us suffer like this and not enjoying her new life. All I can do is go on and pray she’s in a position to help us and now knows all the secrets beyond the curtain. I know she understands eternity now. It’s just I wanted so much more here with her.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

maybe we can find some peace and rest. I could sure use some of that.

Yes!

And John, I felt like that in the beginning, but now I find solace in our home that we shared together, it is comfortable to me because he was in it, and this was the place he felt most comfortable and secure (he had anxiety).  What our grief journey feels today can evolve tomorrow, so my hope for you is that you find peace and comfort in your home once again.  It may take some time, but I pray it all the same.