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Multiple Myeloma took my brother yesterday


Mr. Nice

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My brother passed yesterday at the hospital. His vitals slowly faded and i watched as the life left his body. I can’t get that out of head and it hurts so bad. I had been imagining what we’d do when he passed because my brother was in the advanced stages of multiple myeloma. I knew I needed to prepare myself for the reality. My brother had a tough time accepting what was going on. I don’t blame him. He only lasted 2 years since the diagnosis...only 6 months after his failed stem cell transplant. He had the more aggressive form of the cancer too. I knew enough about his medical situation and how grave it was because I work in the medical/disability field. We remained hopeful even though we knew this day would come....we just weren’t prepared for it 3 days after Christmas. He developed an infection and died quickly in a hospital bed. I couldn’t believe how fast it happened but I knew the cancer wouldn’t take him, it would be an infection because he was immunosuppressant. He had no immune system to help fight. Nobody is ever prepared though. I’ve been crying on and off, mixed with moments of anger and what ifs. I miss him so much and I’m so angry that his life was ended at the age of 46. He’s my big brother. He leaves behind a wonderful wife and 2 children. We just planned his funeral today. I’m overwhelmed with emotions and I’ve never lost someone this close to me. I had to express myself and this was the first site I found. I read so many stories and it does help knowing I’m not alone. Im going to see a grief counselor ASAP to help. I know I need to process and face this head on. I like looking at pictures of him before he got sick. That has helped. Being around my supportive wife has been huge. She took a train home last night and left our kids with her parents. Family and friends are there...just reach out and start talking. Try to remember the good times. We will never stop grieving but that process changes over time and crying is always OK. Easier said than done but get in touch with how you’re feeling and talk to someone. I had to make a decision with his wife for DNR and I knew what had be done but I hated do it. He had been through so much because of this terrible cancer. I can’t help but wonder if that was right. He wasn’t going to make it but I selfishly wish we had tried but his body couldn’t handle anymore. I feel conflicted and empty. I will persevere and come out stronger. We fought hard over the last 2 years. RIP Scott. You will always be in my thoughts. Love u bro.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Mr Nice,

I am heartbroken for you. As you read in one of my previous posts om a different thread, I know all too well the pain of losing a sibling. You’re right that although we knew that they were going to pass away at some point, nothing could prepare us for those moments and the sobering reality when it happens. You said that your mind keeps going back to the moment and how fast it happened and that was true for me too. It has lessened with time. I was the witness to all three of my losses. My brother to cancer, another brother to an overdose and my mother with her cancer. I had to sign the papers, plan the funerals and help my dad understand my mom’s DNR. The DNR was one of the hardest things. I think you were right to do that for Scott. I struggled in my decision about my mom’s DNR, but in my heart of hearts I also knew it was the right thing to do. Their bodies and souls have gone through so much and so to try and resuscitate when my mom would not have made it (even barely a little bit longer) would have been cruel. I’m so glad that you have the support of family around you. It sounds like you have a close knit family and that is what will help you all in your grief. That, and understanding that you’ll all grieve differently and that’s ok. Ups and downs. It takes time to process everything. I promised my brother that I would help his wife and kids. That I would do things with them that my brother and I did together and keep his memory alive. DNA is an amazing thing and it’s unbelievable how much they are like him. I cherish it. They are teenagers now. One is struggling a bit, but he’s 17 without his dad and I think it’s normal given what happened (losing his dad at 4yrs old). The other son wins awards for his studies and is an athelete doing well (he was 2yrs old when it happened). They laugh like him, look like him, instinctually act like him and it has been a saving grace. Hold on to hope. Scott’s family and yours will flourish again in the future. My dad is like your dad in not being able to have the reminders, look at pictures, or be in certain spaces. Although, with each passing and the following months as he started to process the losses this has changed. Not with my mom and brothers deaths in the last year (because it’s still fresh and shocking), but with my first brother that we lost. My dad and I fish on that brothers favorite pier every year in Florida. It’s my favorite way to be with him and feel his spirit. I have candles with my loved ones names that I light most nights. I continue traditions and holiday traditions even when i haven’t felt like it for a sense of normalcy and to keep my dad and I grounded and going. For my mom, I honor her at a garden conservatory that blooms flowers year round. They even did a dedication show to her and I invited her friends. It helps. People need a space to go for grieving and sometimes have one besides the actual grave site or urn location can feel inspirational (I like outdoors spaces for that). For my anger, general emotions and sad times, I often hike, spend time sitting in the woods and when it’s really bad, I go to the batting cages for an anger release. Putting emotion into actions is so good at getting it out of the body. I found solace in a book from T.J Wray, regarding Surviving Loss of A Sibling. It’s on Amazon (reg book stores too) and I hope that you can get a copy of it. Our siblings are such a large part of us and it feels like you’re torn in half when you lose them. All of your memories and idiosyncrasies tied to them. It can feel like a loss of self and identity, but with therapy and love it, does transform. Feeling it all is the only way through to the other side of transforming the loss and it takes time. I know you know that from what you’ve written, I just want to second what you said and let you know that I too, have those feelings and emotions. I’m saying prayers for you and your family. So many hugs and so much empathy your way from me. Please keep sharing. We are here.

Nicole

 

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Nicole-my grief journey

This is a book that helped me. I was unable to read it right away, but eventually read it after I was able to regain a little footing in the weeks after losing my sibling.

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