Traumatic passing of my cat Missy (take two), please read

[CatMystique]

I realize the following account of my cat's passing is a bit long, but please read. I could use your emotional support. 

I've never had a pet since I was a child (I'm 52 now). Then, out of the blue, my girlfriend and I decide to adopt a two-month-old kitten whom we named Missy. It was the only kitten available at the veterinarian's, and we felt it was a bit of fate at work. But for a while, we felt that fate had dealt us a bad hand: Missy was distant, disliked being pet, and constantly bit our hands and feet. Then, after four or five months, she started to come around. She became more affectionate and less aggressive in her play with us. And she had to be in the room with us, always sleeping next to or near us after expending her energy at play. My girlfriend and I have a bed with a hideaway storage area underneath that is accessible by lifting up the back end of the bed as you would the hood of a car. Being a curious cat, Missy would always jump in the storage, but we would always manage to get her out in time before closing the lid. That is until yesterday (Christmas Day). 

It was Christmas morning, and my girlfriend and I were hurrying to get ready to go to her relatives. Not only that, we were bickering a bit over things like what to wear. The point is we were not fully present in the moment, and in our rush, didn't notice Missy had jumped in the storage space. My girlfriend pulled down the mattress to close it, and Missy was killed. Ten minutes later, I made the awful discovery. It was traumatic: Missy's eyes were rolled back and glazed over. Her body was limp and lifeless. I was just devastated. I sobbed for hours yesterday, and then again today. Yes, I had developed a bond with Missy. But perhaps what affected me the most was seeing an innocent animal with the life crushed out of it. I pictured all the innocent animals out there that are so vulnerable and exposed---animals whose lives ended prematurely---who never had a chance at a long life. My pain goes deep and perhaps there is more to it than just Missy's passing. Perhaps her death is symbolic of having my own innocence crushed from me when I was a child. Many of us can surely relate to that. Also, my mother passed when she was young after having suffered with lupus for many years. I thought I had thorough grieved her death, but maybe not. I feel absolutely terrible for accidentally killing Missy. While I wasn't the one who pulled the bed down on top of her, I was partly responsible for contributing to the pettiness that distracted my girlfriend and led to Missy's death. It's not about blame; it's about responsibility. And I take responsibility. 

Soon after Missy's death, what came to mind were life lessons that my girlfriend and I felt we were meant to learn from it all. Lessons about being more present, more conscious---and about dedicating ourselves to being more loving with each other. As strange as it might sound to some, I got the distinct feeling that there was a higher design behind Missy's passing. My girlfriend and I are now taking real steps to making our relationship our top priority---to love each other more each day and put aside the pettiness and superficiality of our egos. Still, it's real rough going for me. On the one hand, Missy was a cat we had barely had for eight months---and one that wasn't particularly endearing much of the time. Yet, there was something special about her, just by the fact that she ended up living with us and no one else. There indeed was a special connection with her... and now she's gone. 

I would appreciate your thoughts and loving support (putting aside anything that doesn't resonate with your particular beliefs). Thank you. 

[CatMystique]

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[KayC]

I'm so sorry for your cat's premature death.  Any time we lose a pet, young or old, it's hard.  I encourage you to read these articles...it's common to feel guilt in our grief, even when it's undeserved and definitely unintended.  We feel responsible for them.  These articles address that.  I hope your GF will read them as well.  My heart goes out to you.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

As a cat person, my heart breaks reading this and I can imagine how absolutely awful this was for you. I am so sorry.  I am glad that you are using this tragic accident to some good and find the lesson in it. Most people aren't able to do that even though it helps. (I was so devastated from my cat's sudden death I was in shock and depressed for a couple months.) I think taking responsibility is good, but do forgive yourself, you are human and your intentions were only good for her.  

[CatMystique]

Thank you KayC for the links and your kind words. And thank you AJWCat for your emotional support. I really appreciate your responses. They are helpful and exactly what I needed.