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I miss her so much!


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My little girl passed away just over 6 weeks ago.  I found her the next morning and we are still waiting to find out the cause of death but have since found out she was self=medicating with drugs she was getting from a "friend".  She was only 22 years old.  Beautiful, smart and generous.  I did not realize how much she was suffering, she suffered from anxiety but I did not know it was as bad as this.  Today is a terrible day because it is Christmas Eve.  I have a 19 year old daughter so my husband and I are trying to stay strong for her but it is hard.  I just miss my baby so much and am still having trouble accepting the fact she is gone.  I hear people say it gets easier but I don't feel any better than the day it happened.

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Dear Susan,

I am so sorry for your deep pain and sorrow. It is still very early in your grief. During this very sad and difficult time continue to let your feelings out and know that they are natural and normal.

If you want to maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the church or community.

Please know you are not alone. We are all with you and thinking of you.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Tommy's mum

susan22 I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter, I can sense the pain in the words you wrote. It is still very early days for you and you do have a long sad journey ahead of you but slowly in time you will be able to deal with that grief and be more functional and participate in life without faking a smile. I will not say you will get over it or will stop feeling that awful gap in your family. because the truth is you wont. You will always love and miss her because she is your child always and forever. In time you will have more better days than bad days it does take time to heal even if it seems a cliche. Take care

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Nicole-my grief journey

Susan22,

I am heartbroken for you. I’m not a mother and can only emapathize in that respect, but I know the pain and devastation I feel about losing my brother to self medicating and taking nonprescription drugs from friends he trusted. That’s how it started and took him on the path where we lost him to it. He was an empath, he suffered with anxiety and depression. I also know my parents pain over the loss of my brother. It is indescribable. You feel the loss in your bones, every cell in you body and in your heart and soul. You wonder why and how it happened...So many questions and even if, or when you do get answers it’s extremely difficult to process. I have had to work really hard for months to put the “if only I had” thoughts out of my mind. My dad and I take things moment to moment. He stays busy and I work on my process of grieving by reading, writing, feeling my feelings, crying and honoring my brother and my mother (who I recently lost in July). My dad doesn’t really talk about it and it’s hard for me in terms of needing to talk about it. I think a lot of men find it hard to express how they feel and get their grief release by working in the garage or doing other outdoor activities. I have a therapist that I see and that helps so much. Sometimes it takes a few to find the right one. I was glad that I was seeing the therapist because we didn’t get the reports until months later and so when we did, my therapist helped me deal with reading them. My dad hasn’t read the reports and I understand why he can’t. I hope that your family has a resource like that and can have a professional to help guide you along this path. I hope that your other daughter will also see a counselor. She may open up to a grief counselor and they will give her tools to cope because sometimes you’re in shock for a long time and grieving is delayed and I know that you want her to flourish in life and be supported. The grief doesn’t ever go away, but it does change and become managable with help from others and counselors. Doing things in memoriam can also help. I really feel for you and your family. I’m sending so much love your way and hope that you will be gentle with yourself. Rest when you need to, reach out, nourish yourself and don’t isolate. We are here for you. 

Hugs and prayers,

Nicole

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Hi Nicole;

Thank you for your comments and I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.  It sounds like he was in a similar situation as my daughter. We are all independently seeing a grief counselor.  I think it helps, but it is still too soon to tell.  It has only been about 9 weeks which is just a heartbeat away in the grand scheme of things.  I battle a lot with the unfairness of it all, as well as anger at her for doing such a foolish thing, but then have to remind myself she was hurting and was addicted as well.  She did not ever thing it would happen to her.  Unfortunately at that age your are invincible.  It has certainly made me realize how fragile and fleeting life can be.  It must be difficult for your dad as he has also last his wife.  He is lucky to have your support as it sounds like you are there for him.

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Nicole-my grief journey

It is so fresh. Every day is hard. I battle with the same things and also just trying to grasp that they are gone. A lot of days it feels like I am feeling it all over again and again. It’s an empty heartbreaking feeling for sure. I’m trying my best to be there for my dad and myself too. All I can do is keep trying. You are a good mom. Thank you for reaching back out to me. Makes me feel like I received a hug today. Sending one back your way. 

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Tommy's mum

streamingthelight and susan. Know you are not isolated in your grief there are many of us who also walk the same sad path and together we can help each other to find the light in life again in the future.

susan addiction is a disease. It starts as a choice or experiment to help with the stresses of life but quickly takes a hold and becomes a desperate need that demands to be filled. The evil people who manufacture and dilute drugs with poisons to get people addicted are in fact murderers who only care about money. They do not give a toss for the young people who get sucked into addiction and sell potencies and mixes that cause fatalities. There is nothing you could have done that was different even if your mind tells you that. It is not your fault and your daughter was a victim not a bad person. You were and still are a good mom hold onto that and keep sharing when you can.

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Thank you for your support Lesley.  I know it is not my fault but I do feel guilty that I did not talk to her more about her anxiety and really push for her to open up about her addiction.  I really had no idea.  I was aware that she sometimes drank a little too much and that was something she was trying to control and she had been sober for quite a few months, but I had no idea about the opiods.  I wish I had taken time off work and really tried to help her.  I know it is much easier to say now with all the information we have learned since her death, but I do wish I had been more present for her.  It has only been a couple of months, in some ways it seems like only yesterday and in other ways it seems like forever.  I did not know it was possible to miss someone this much.

 

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Tommy's mum

If we all had hindsight and the ability to alter things none of us would be where we are but yet here we are because no one can predict the future. Anxiety and depression are still often viewed as weakness and therefore to be hidden. No child likes to worry their parent and do not tell everything to their family because of shame or fear or judgement. Even if you had been able to take that time off you could not have prevented that one dose that was fatal please do not blame yourself. Time gets very distorted with grief it feeling like so long ago and yet so very recent is normal. I believe the first year is definitely the hardest. The second year is also very difficult as you realise that your child will not be back and you begin to adjust. Each year after is different in its own way depending on what is going on in your life. Grief definitely weakens your resiliance and ability to cope as you are changed and more fragile than before but some parents have been able to effect positive changes like a speed limit change, highway safety barriers, a change in state laws, gun safety so positives can come from the ashes of despair. losing a child is visceral you have literally lost a part of yourself something you created with Nature that grew inside your body no wonder there is no word in the language for a parent who lost a child because it is so devastating.

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