Its only been a day and I cant handle it

[Jonte]

As you can see from the title, I cant handle this, Im writing again. My poor baby boy died at the age of 2, he was violently killed by a car because he ventured out too far. We saved miso and his brother ash from a farm where they were nearly dying, they were just born, we took ash with the farm owners permission, and as we were driving away we turned around and had to grab miso too. Being born into the wild they were always such outside cats, they'd spend 3/4 of the day outside since we lived in such a bushy area, behind us was miles of forest and infront was the city. We knew this would shorten their lives but we knew they were so happy outside being natural hunters, we just didnt expect miso to die so young and horribly. 

Miso was my soulmate and bestfriend, I have suffered from ptsd and severe depression and anxiety, everytime I saw him I was instantly happy, the way he'd cpme through the cat door and I'd call out and he'd come running to me. He loved me so much ive never had a bond with someone as close as we did in my entire life.

We got the call at 10pm, hes been hit by a car very far from where we live, he went so far, we always told him NO when he tried to venture out in to the land of the humans, just to stay here. We had to rush to the vet where he was sedated but dying. His face was so damaged, his eyes were distant and bulging staring into nothing, his right eye was covered with blood and his mouth looked really weird. I cant handle the sight of his head he looked so hurt, we had to say our goodbyes and he was put down. 

We buried him out the back of the house with things that were special to us, I couldnt take it. I cant handle this every living second is pain, my heart has shattered into a million pieces and I dont think I will ever pick them back up. Is it normal that this entire time i keep crying and screaming and then ill realise thats hes actually dead, then scream and cry and start all over again all day long. I simply cant accept that hes actually gone, I wont stand for it, I wait for him to come out of his grave or something amd just say im okay, im here now. Everytime I fall asleep (which ive been trying to sleep alot to not think about it) I want to wake up and be like that was a horrible dream it felt so real. I dont know if i can get through this, I feel severly suicidal and I want to die and go see him.

 

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry. Of all the stories I read on this forum, the young animals who are taken violently are the absolute worst. My heart breaks for you because I know the pain and the feeling that the world is wrong and will never be right again. 

I lost my cat horribly to some kind of poison or so we think, we don't actually know what happened. He was older, he was 15 and we'd had him 10 years. He was like our child. Out of nowhere he got violently sick, and then basically suffered and slowly shut down for two hours at the emergency clinic.

I tell you that not to upset you (or me honestly.) Those first few weeks I thought about those two hours obsessively, what a horrible end to his life. I was insane with grief. I knew my brain was trying to process what happened, and I was SO mad it happened to my sweet innocent cat.

It took some time but I did reach a level of acceptance and I guess you could say peace. If I want to go back there mentally I can... but it's so traumatic I try not to. I try to remember all the wonderful times.    

I know recovery seems impossible. You will get there but you will go through not around grief first. And as you know, it's a pain unlike anything you could ever mentally prepare for. There is not much else I can say, keep coming back and writing it out if it helps. I did, I posted a lot. You can continue posting on this thread or your first one. We understand what you are going through.  

 

[KayC]

I listed a suicide hotline in your first thread, please call it asap!  It's very important.   for you to give yourself ample time to adjust, this is a lot to take in and is very horrifying to go through but you can get to a better place, it's going to take time and effort is all.  Please consider making an appointment with a grief counselor as soon as you can!  It's better to seek help than act on suicidal feelings, that's an action that is irreversible.  We may not always realize it, but we have people in our lives that care for us, we have reason to live, it just doesn't always surface first and foremost.  Please give yourself the gift of time to get through this.  The images you have in your brain are haunting you but a professional can help you with those, I listed articles about that in your other thread, have you read them?

I can't think of much worse to deal with than losing our precious pets, it's hard but time allows us to adjust so that we can begin to cope.  I know it doesn't seem possible but it does, you are in the hardest part right now but it will lessen in intensity, I can't say how long, it does take time, we're all different but it happens eventually.  AJW experienced this, I have too.

[Beatriz]

Hello @Jonte I am so terribly sorry for your loss and hear your pain, I’ve known it and the thoughts it screams in your head, please do not entertain those. It is just an attempt to “translate” such excruciating pain, but the words and the thoughts fail us - we really feel we cannot cope with it but somehow we bear with it. Being here DOES help and the kindness and empathy of some precious people that dare and face it up with you, keeping you company is invaluable. It is a terrible time for you to be going through it as well, with Christmas celebrations and you feeling this way. I myself cannot help but thinking that last year at this time I still had one of my beloved cats with me. 

[Jonte]

@AJWCat

Id love to try to remember the good times but that just makes me sad that I can't ever experience that again,  I tend to try to just ignore it completely so the feelings dont overwhelm me. Ita christmas tomorrow and I dont think I can do it, I broke down before I could eat a single bit of dinner in front of my entire family, I think people dont understand the severity of the grief because "its just a pet", but its as bad as losing a human.

[Jonte]

@KayC

Thank you for thinking about me, im not able to call a suicide hotline for a while since I have bad reception while on holiday, I dont think im suicidal atm. Im seeing my psychologist on the 4th so I hope that'll help.

[KayC]

Please hang in there until the 4th then.  It scares me when people talk suicidal...I lost a friend to suicide...I also know how it feels to feel that way.  Give it a chance to pass.

[AJWCat]

12 hours ago, Jonte said:

@AJWCat

Id love to try to remember the good times but that just makes me sad that I can't ever experience that again,  I tend to try to just ignore it completely so the feelings dont overwhelm me. Ita christmas tomorrow and I dont think I can do it, I broke down before I could eat a single bit of dinner in front of my entire family, I think people dont understand the severity of the grief because "its just a pet", but its as bad as losing a human.

I know, that part is the worst... I understand totally, I hope you do okay, hang in there.

[Jonte]

@Beatriz

Thank you for replying, Its the worst christmas present I can ever get, Im pretty much forced to spend time with family when I just want to grieve, im not at home for a while so I feel really out of my zone.

Miso died at our house and we had to go away for christmas 12 hours after he died, im worried for his brother, he'll be all alone just left with his food. Ash is miso's brother and also was found down at the road where he is never seen, I think he was trying to find miso. When we buried miso that night he came over to the hole where miso was in and didnt really pay any interest, I wasnt sure if he knew it was him since he couldnt smell his scent maybe.

I just want to be there for ash, im worried he'll get hit too searching for miso.

Im going back today.

[KayC]

I hope this is of some help to you with Ash.  Are you back home yet?
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

[Jonte]

@KayC

Thank you ill definitely give that a read as hes been crying, and yes im home now.

[Beatriz]

@Jonte

I am nursing my mother at the moment, she is suffering from heart failure so I have not been here as often - but I keep thinking of you. When my Preta died, her brother Tripps was very sad and stressed. I introduced Dr. Bach star of bethlehem, ten drops into his water pot and I took it myself. Tripps drunk from the water pot without resistance and I think it helped him to relax a bit. I had never tried florals myself but they are harmless and you can try with Ash. I am glad you have him around, please take good care of yourselves, be gentle. Love, Beatriz

[KayC]

It's the hardest thing in the world to watch your pet suffering, bad enough we grieve, but to see them grieving, it's just heartbreaking to watch.  My Lucky (dog) grieved heavily when my husband died, and Tigger (his cat) ran away two months after he died, once he figured out he wasn't coming back.  I gave Lucky extra love and attention once my daughter called my attention to it...I was so heavily in the throes of grief myself, it took her calling it to my attention as my brain was heavily in grief fog and not thinking with any clarity.

Also, some scents are supposed to be calming, I think lavender is, you might try some essential oils for that purpose.

[DavidFarlow]

I am sorry to hear this about your cat. I can understand your pain. You surely can overcome from your pain, it is just it would take some time, as the cat was so close to your heart. Do not let this ruin your own life. Do not even think about suicidal thoughts. Talk to someone like Voyance Direct that can understand your pain and can even help to come out of your pain and problem.