I feel traumatised and responsible

[dokkaebi]

I'm going to explain some previous things here that kind of compile onto this:

In 2015, my dog I have had for the majority of my life had reached the end of her tether and had to be put to sleep

In 2017, my fiance died from suicide, throwing himself into a main road 

In march of this year, my cat that I'd had for as long as my dog also reached the end of her road.

2 days ago, I woke up at 4pm after sleeping all day because I was up until 8am with my crazy insomnia i have right now that I let get out of control because of a mental ilness set back and an injury making me unable to do my very physical job. I've been psychotic or just miserable for weeks. I decide to venture downstairs to use the bathroom and am stopped on the stairs by my mother who says "Tae..." , my mind immediatley jumps to bad because she doesn't ever bother calling me by name unless Ive done something wrong or the sort " what have I done ?? " i say "no, nothing" as she says this I know something is horribly wrong. I follow her downstairs and panic a bit. she doesnt say anything until i glare at her " Poppy.." she says and cuts herself off... " what??" she tells her to put shoes on and follow her into the shed.. I melt...

My 11 year old , recently checked out and aparantly super healthy cat, has suddenly just dropped dead. God cats dont look peaceful... they dont blink so their eyes dont close and their mouths look... wrong.. its not nice...  

Upon realising whats happened I immediatly check her all over for wounds. In my brain she was attacked by a fox or hit by a car but no... nothing.. no froth at her mouth so no poison.. nothing broken.. no claw grazing from a struggle.. shes just normal. My mother had taken her into the shed out of not knowing what to do and wanting the dogs to leave her alone.

My neighbour had let my mother know that there was a cat in our front garden, a ginger and brown one. She assumed she meant a tabby because poppy is a calico so she had a lot of white too even though she was a darker orange. She was distraught, probably largely because of not knowing how to tell me.. She was laying kind of spread out, completely soaked by the (fantastic) weather we've had lately... she wasnt hidden under the hedge like you tend to hear of them doing.. it was like she was on her way out of the garden. she had just stopped in the kitchen for a dry food snack as usual.The last time I had with her was her sitting on my bed and me telling her to go away because i was too hot ( my mother likes the heating on 32424 degrees) to cuddle her right now...I dried her off and took her out of the towel shed put her in, i didnt want to cover her. I carried her around for a while.. then I lied her onto my bed and just looked at her.. i pet her fpr 2 hours as if she has asleep.. I let another of my cats to come and see her, she sniffed her and laid next to her like she used to, they were the only two that got along so well, mainly because the other cat is a bit of a dick. I laid there with her for about an hour.. it wouldn't set in. We had her cremated like the others and as i opened the top to look ( i dont know why i did.. why did I take a fucking photo of my dead cat next to my other cat, like they were normal??? who knows) , and saw how her entire life was now this tiny bag of ashes I couldnt help but sob again and again. 

Recently, she'd started to look 'old' as they do. she didnt get thin really, she was always small. she had grown into this recluse nature and had since become more close to me, waking up to her next to me nd sometimes asking for affection, sleeping in my room on my back pack all the time. The animals always became attached to me when  they started to get on, especially the cats because they've always been mine rather than my parents ( were talking all 7 sleeping in my bedroom at once here haha..)  so this was normal. sometimes she'd seem senile, she got worse at jumping on things and a bit of catorax,the other cats picked on her a bit, normal getting a bit old cat things. She made me smile by existing, she'd cat smile at me constantly whenever we were in distance of eachother and we'd have slow-blink-smile matches across the room all the time, she didnt get afraid when id cry... and when I was at my worst after the loss of my fiance, the way her and one of my dogs looked at me like I was everything was all that made me feel something other than empty and numb. I used to dress her up as a child and thats all i can think about now... 

I think the hardest thing is that I'm so angry. I didn't get to know she was on her way out. I didn't get to favour my last days with her. the last thing i did was tell her to go away. she just went out and died in the rain instead of in my closet or somewhere safe so that makes it even more confusing! she didnt even go anywhere safe! did she know?! I was considering taking her to the vet again but mom convinced me it was just me being overly worried like I am often... It's just not fair. I knew my fiance was in a horrible mess, I knew my other pets were getting to the end of their time.. I had no warning and its just so hard and I feel so dumb talking her and rambling while crying but its new for me and I hate myself for being so upset because i keep saying ' its just a cat!' ' ypoure usually good with death!' and ... its just surreal.  i dont expect anyone to bother reading or reply but I am venting here because Im lost and i keep going between anger and blaming myself 

[KayC]

I'm sorry.  I know that doesn't help, but I am.  I've lost many pets, I've lost both parents, a niece, a nephew, my sister this year.  I lost my husband 13 1/2 years ago.  I've lost aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends.  The hardest were my husband and pets, they lived with me, were in my everyday life, we cared about each other.  My husband had a sudden death, barely 51, no warning, nothing that let me know ahead of time so I could gradually acclimate.  And I lost my Miss Mocha (cat 2 1/2 years ago), didn't expect it, just never saw her again.  I'd had her 10 1/2 years but she was in great health and never would have run away, she loved it here.  I figured something got her.  I was outside all day, never heard a thing.  Something took her by surprise, like a cougar or large bird.  I lost another cat to a cougar once.  I hate them.  My sweet little Miss Mocha, I never got to say goodbye or tell her how much she meant to me.  Did I tell her or did I just think it?  She knew, she had to know, I loved her.  She slept with me every night.

You're going through much the same thing.  We ask ourselves, what should I have done different?  What if???  What ifs, guilt, it's part of grief, we're trying to wrap our heads around this, make sense of it, looking for a different outcome, but there is no different outcome other than what happened.  And we're not guilty of anything but loving them.  Our grief in direct correlation to the love we shared.  It's so hard getting used to our life, our days, without them in it!  Seeing their bowl, missing the habits, the exchange we had with them, it takes time for us to get used to our lives in their absence, to replace to habits/patterns with days without them in it so that we no longer expect them to come to the door, or to sleep with them.  Even after we've gotten more used to it, we still miss them, wish we had them back.

Tell your cat how you feel, or write a letter if it's easier.  You spoke of the ashes, I remember getting my husband's ashes back...he was a weight lifter, built like a wrestler, he did that when he was young...how could he be reduced to a Kleenex sized box?!  How can that be all that's left?  I know his spirit lives, that he is not his body, he is something more and that part continues to live, so does our love, it continues...until we're together again.  All of us.