Please Help.. Cannot Cope.. Was it my Fault?

[AroseM48]

I am writing this through tears and the worst heartache I have ever felt in my life. My guinea pig Greenbean was my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. He was the light of my life and I have had pets in the past but the bond I shared with him was something that I didn't even know could exist between a human and a pet, let alone with a guinea pig. I had gone through a horrible breakup back in August and took a break from school and work because I was a wreck. At that point I had spent a lot of time with Greenbean before the breakup, but after being completely inconsolable and all alone in the house, I went downstairs to scoop him up and take him to my bed with me, and from that moment onward he was my best friend. He fell asleep with me and woke up with me every single day and night. He didnt leave my bed once. He saved my life and I needed him as much as he needed me. When I finally went back to work after spending 5 weeks with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all I did while I was at work was miss him. I could have the worst day ever and the moment I walked through the front door, I would go to his cage and scoop him out and we would spend every waking moment together when I was in the house. He still slept in my bed with me every night and even though I knew that wasn't proper owner pet etiquette, I didn't care because he made me so happy and I made him so happy.
His favorite place was behind my head on a pillow. He would fall asleep there and chew my hair at his own free will. Every time he heard just a crinkle of plastic he would hop up and come running. If I had food in my bed with me, he would run up to the edge of the plate or the bowl and dig his gave into it. If I brought him lettuce he would grab it and drag it all the way to the back of the bed with only his teeth and he would eat it in 3 minutes flat. I would keep a fleece blanket next to my face when I went to sleep because when I turned everything off in my room, he would curl up next to me and close his eyes because he knew it was time for us to go to sleep. In the morning, he would wake up when I would wake up. He would squeal so often. If I ever left my room or had him downstairs, the moment he saw me he would hop down from where he was and run to the edge of the bed or couch so excitedly with his head in the air, looking as if he was so happy to see me and wanted to jump into my arms. He knew his name and every time I would call it he would stop in his tracks and run towards me. Even though he was so small, he somehow would find a way to crawl up my back or onto my legs. He was my best friend. He was the only thing that truly made me happy in life.
He was so happy and energetic and healthy and loved his life so much until a day and a half ago. He passed away in such a horrific and tragic way that I can't even wrap my head around knowing how preventable it was and how much of it was my fault.
It was about 10 on Sunday night. I had just made a huge meal and as I did so, Greenbean was in my bed as he usually was. I had gone out to the grocery store much later than I had anticipated because I was being lazy and didn't want to get up so I ended up making dinner much much later than I meant to. If only I had known when I woke up that day the role that time would play in his tragic death. After dinner I washed a bunch of dishes but still had a few that I usually would leave for the morning but for some reason I decided to go back down to wash. Before that, I went upstairs, and there Greenbean was, sitting on my bed, happy as ever to see me. I had brought up some of the food I made and of course he wanted some, but instead I gave him a bunch of hay because I had just bought a new bag for him while I was getting groceries. Right after I ate, I made another decision which I normally wouldn't do so late at night, which was to gather up all the blankets and sheets on the bed so that he and I would have fresh warm ones to sleep on. As I gathered everything he kept trying to run under the sheets and I kept having to pick him up and plop him elsewhere. I finally got everything together and left him some more hay. I usually leave the pile for him at the end of my bed where there is a soft bench right below, but in a split second decision that I so vividly remember consciously making, I put his pile on his fleece blanket where he was, right next to my pillow. If I only I had known what this decision might cost me. As I walked out with my bundle of laundry, I looked at him and smiled and waved and said, "bye! I'll be back soon!" as I normally would say. It would be the last time our eyes would ever meet.
I went downstairs, threw the laundry on the floor by the basement stairs, and started doing the rest of the dishes. After I got done, I did another thing which I would never do so late at night.. I sprayed down and wiped down all of the counter tops and the stove and swept up the kitchen floor. I haven't swept the floor in months because someone else usually does it. Why did I have to this night? Afterwards I wanted to give Greenbean a late snack before we went to bed so I went and did something else I have never done. I got out a glass Tupperware dish and all of his vegetables and I cut them up nicely and placed them neatly in the dish. I always just throw uncut vegetables onto a paper towel for him because he eats them so fast anyway. Why did I have to go completely against my normal routine this night?
After doing that, I finally went downstairs to throw all of my laundry into the washer. I went back upstairs, grabbed his salad and my drink and went up to my bedroom, excited to lay down with him and be off of my feet. When I went into my room, I didn't see him on my bed. I didn't panic because he has fallen off of it before and my bed is very low to the ground and always has sheets and pillows on the floor surrounding the bed. I grabbed my phone flashlight and walked over to my bed and thought I heard him make a single purr. I looked behind my bed where my pillow is because that's where I have found him before but I didn't see him. I spent the next at least 5 minutes frantically looking for him because I always find him right away and I started to freak out. I was rummaging and pushing things around under my bed and pulling things out wondering where he could be. I decided to go back to the first place I looked and it turns out I had completely overlooked him somehow in the first few seconds I realized he wasn't on my bed. That's when I found him.. laying on his side on the floor, on the only spot that for some reason didn't have any cushioning on it. He was stuck in between the wall, a pillow, and where his head was, a glass that had fallen on its side. I picked him up so quickly, so ready to tell him how sorry I was, when I realized his body was completely limp. The top of his head was wet as well as underneath of him but his body wasn't cold. I started screaming and ran downstairs to my mom. I looked into his eyes which were still watery. I have read before that a deceased animal has dry eyes. I thought I heard his heartbeat but I thought maybe it was mine. He wasn't breathing..I kept expecting him to wake up. But he didn't. He never did. He was gone. Forever. My best friend was gone. All because of my reckless and negligent actions that I made that 100% could have been prevented that never should have happened.
I would give anything in this entire world to just kiss his face one more time or hold him in my arms or pet him to sleep. I do not know how to cope or move on knowing that I killed my son and my best friend and that I will never get to hear him squeal again or wake up next to him or see his beautiful giant eyes watching me. All I have done for the last day and a half is sob and wail and cry and scream. I haven't been to work in 2 days because I absolutely cannot function and it is so bad that I put in for a leave of absence today over email instead of the phone because I can't even speak without crying. I am almost 30 years old and I made my mom stay home from work yesterday so I didn't have to be alone and I have slept in her bed the last 2 nights, which I have never done in my entire life, not even as a kid. I know how morbid this is but on the first night, I asked her if he could sleep in bed with us because I knew it would be the last time for the rest of my life that I would get to sleep next to my best friend. I know I will never be the same person ever again. He wasn't even a year old. He was just a baby and was supposed to spend his life with me and because of my careless negligence, I ended his precious, beautiful life. He was so sweet and endearing and innocent and loving and all I can do is sob over him. I was his mother and the person who promised to protect him and watch over him and I betrayed him. He trusted me with everything and I left him to die all alone, terrified and cold.
I have so many unanswered questions that are killing me to my core. How did he fall? .. was he trying to climb onto my pillow that he always cuddles up on behind my head and lost his balance? Did my chinchilla send him into shock? Did he wonder why I wasn't there to save him? Did he cry out for me just for me to leave him to die all alone all by himself? Was he still alive when I first realized he was missing? Could I have saved him had I not overlooked him in the very exact spot where I ended up finding him 5 long minutes later? Could those precious 5 minutes have saved him? Could I have saved him had I known proper CPR? Why was he wet on the top of his head and chin? Was he trapped in the glass trying to wriggle himself out only for his arms and feet to be too small to get him to safety? Did he really purr when I walked over to my bed or did I make it up? If I put his hay on the other end of the bed would he have never fallen? Why did I not have any cushioning where he fell? There were always mounds of blankets behind my bed. Does he have the same thought process as a human to where he knew he was dying and that I wasn't there for him and that I completely betrayed him and left him when all he ever did from the moment my boyfriend and I brought him home was love me and be there for me?
Every single move I made that night was unlike any other night and I cannot stop asking myself why and telling myself that I should have been there. That had I just done everything I always do and had just gone up to bed, he would still be here, laying under the Christmas tree with me, trying to eat the pine tree needles. Had I just done one thing different, he would be laying beside me right now.
I was supposed to be his protector. He was the most special guinea pig I had ever known and seen and I snuffed his life out in just a matter of moments. I wasted such a special life for absolutely no reason.
I have told only a few people close to me and they keep telling me it isn't my fault and that it was a freak accident that could have happened to anyone, but it doesn't help. I have joined these pet forums to share my story and to find similar stories but many of the stories are about older pets who got to live so many years with their baby and they got sick or had to be put down and the guilt doesn't seem to be as significant and in my case, this guilt is killing me and tearing me apart. I have never felt this type of pain in my life and I didnt even know this pain existed. He was the only light of my life and the reason I woke up in the morning. I can't stop picturing how I found him and how healthy and full of life he was just 30 minutes earlier. I can't stop picturing the last time I saw him watch me walk away with his beautiful black eyes and fluffy brown coat.
I will never be able to get over this.

[AJWCat]

I am so so so sorry to read about your awful sudden loss of your sweet little guy. This is not your fault. I know you feel responsible but we just don't know exactly what happened. Unfortunately things happen a lot (in this forum I have read many) that people feel completely guilty over and yet they are horrible tragic accidents. It is so hard not having the answers, I get it. I was on a long summer at a vacation house and my cat (who was like my child for 10 years) got suddenly violently ill. We rushed him to an emergency vet that said he looked poisoned. It made no sense I had checked the entire house. I still don't know to this day what happened. But 2 hours after getting to the vet my cat was on the verge of death and so we put him out of his suffering which he was.

That event was absolutely horrific and I never thought I would recover. I am still very sad. I will never forget him. I have learned to accept what happened. I try to find the good where I can, and eventually you will, what happened does not erase all your love and great times, even it was short. 

I know the shock you are in  and wish I could say something to make you feel better right now. Your bond and love was deep and this loss just takes time for your mind and heart to process, deal, and eventually accept. Again my heart truly goes out to you right now. Keep writing if it helps you, I did. Otherwise I would have gone mad with grief.   

[AroseM48]

thank you @AJWCat the pain is unbearable.. I kept going upstairs yesterday looking at where it happened.. trying to figure it out .. desperately and obsessively looking as if it could change things.. as if it could bring him back. I am so lost without him and to make it even worse my boyfriend has his own stuff going on with his family and hospital scares and basically told me last night to leave him alone.. as I am laying there grieving, begging for him to see me, I'm told to leave him alone. And now I feel even farther from myself today. I feel like I've lost everything 

[KayC]

Hon, what you are going through, all the whatifs, it's all part of grief.  It's our way of trying to find a different possible ending...only there isn't a different ending, just the one that occurred.  I'm sorry, I know the pain, especially the pain of feeling we let them down, the one in our life that we truly cared for, that was always there for us.  So hard!  But this is neither earned nor deserved, but rather a feeling to get through.

I hope you will read these articles, they put into words what I want to say but they, being professionals, are much better at it than I could be.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
 

I don't know what beliefs you ascribe to, but I believe with all my heart that we'll be together again and that what is next for them is peace and happiness and we'll join them:

 

[Nix S]

I'm so so sorry you lost your sweet little man. He sounds absolutely perfect and your bond was pure magic. I really relate to you because guilt was (and at times is) my strongest feeling, and I long more than anything in the world for Haiku to have lived a long, fulfilled life. 

I'm remembering how I was 2 days after losing her and the shock and pain was unbearable. I'm so sorry you're in the thick of that. It's been 2 months now without my little girl. My body is out of that horrible "fight or flight" mode I'm sure you're in and, while I still have guilt and regrets they're not these all consuming, obsessive thoughts that occupy all my attention all the time.

You were the most amazing, thoughtful pet parent. The little routines you two had together were incredibly heart warming and special. Your body, brain and heart have been thrust into this world you would have never expected but I promise it does get better. 

Grief is so hard and everyone experiences it differently, and I know there a lot of grief cliches out there, but I really am getting through it "day by day". In the beginning just getting out of bed to have a bath would be the day's triumph. Try to be kind to yourself and easy on yourself right now, and always. 

[AJWCat]

Yes so well said @Nicola Sprawson - your body does go into fight or flight. Also @AroseM48, regarding your bf, he is obviously under a lot of stress as you are. And he may not get how horrible this is for you. My husband was totally devastated about our cat like me. Except he didn't want to dwell and talk it over and question everything like me. So, I'd go in the shower and cry my eyes out and come here and write. I didn't feel totally alone but I was not free to express my grief and I didn't want to make him crazy either. It's tough. You are in a dark place right now, but it's going to be okay, hang in there. 

[AroseM48]

@KayC you are so kind.. I seem to be on all of the same forums as you and I had absolutely no idea you had gone through so many traumatic events in your life. It breaks my heart but at the same time it opens mine because to see the way you encourage others and are able to give so much love to the world after all you have been through, it is beautiful. 

The last couple of days I have really been doing some research on God and Heaven and if we see our pets after we all pass on. I so badly want it to be true because it is the only thing keeping me hanging on right now.

[AJWCat]

KayC is a great example, incredibly strong and a survivor. She told me often on this forum I needed to look for the smallest of joys in life when I complained and said I really had no interest. She said, it didn't matter, I needed to do it.  I tried and it helped.

I believe @KayC will have all her animals with her and her husband she 's an angel.