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One of my brother cats has gone...feel so guilty


Karl74

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Hello people,

 

A week ago on Friday, one of our beautiful boys Pedro passed away. He passed away on our bed. I’ve never felt pain like this, not even over a Grandparent or Uncle dying.

 

I booked an appointment with the vets for 1.45pm because of Pedro’s occasional sneezing/snotty nose issue, he had probably had this for about 2-3 weeks. He had also lost some weight.

 

I noticed a bit more mucus than usual so booked an appointment the same day.

The vet checked his breathing and heart, all was fine. He said Pedro was quite dehydrated and had lost a little weight since his last visit. He took a swab test on the mucus to determine what antibiotics to use, I was due to pick these up after the weekend. In the meantime the vet gave us some Bisolvon powder to help breakdown the mucus.

 

When I arrived home, I gave Pedro a dose of the decongestant orally. As he wasn’t eating I wanted to get things moving, plus he has a brother who eats from the same bowls. As anyone knows holding a cat to give any medication orally is quite stressful, but we have done this many times before with the boys and I was used to the usual difficult wriggling at the same time as opening his mouth to get whatever medication was needed in, with the odd scratch/bite to me for good measure.

This time though Pedro unintentionally peed on me and himself whilst I was was holding him. He was panting a little after he had peed.

I washed him off in the bathtub, towel dried him off and put him at the bottom of the stairs, he took himself up to bed to sleep of the ordeal at around 3pm.

I checked on Pedro around 430pm-5.00pm and he was asleep on my sons bed. He sat up and was happy and purring, I moved him to the radiator bed in our bedroom, as he wasn’t 100% dry.

At around 7pm my wife went upstairs to get changed and she shouted to me to come up, Pedro was on our bed gasping for breath and passed away.

We were in total shock, we called the vets to let them know what had just happened.

From this moment on, I’ve been going over and over the whole day, starting with the visit to the vets, to the stress of giving Pedro the medicine, to him passing away on our bed.

I’m convinced if I had just left him alone, it would not have happened.

After 11 years and 4 months of having Pedro sleeping on my bed with his brother Pablo, he’s gone just like that. I’m devastated and full of guilt. Know matter what people around me say, I can’t get over what has happened. It should not have been like this.

Now it’s been just over a week, some friends and family are suggesting I should start getting over it. How do you get over a family member of nearly 12 years just like that. I can’t. I guess not all folk get how much it hurts.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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Hi @Karl74

I am so sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place because people within this forum understand what you're going through and how hard it is. There's no time line for when to feel better after the loss of a family member like Pedro. It's been almost 2 months since I lost my cat Haiku and she's still very much in my heart and mind every day. These things really do take time with ups and downs along the way. 

The way Pedro died must be so hard to process and make sense of.  I know I'd also be going through it over and over again if I was in your position. It breaks my heart to read that Pedro was purring and then gone just 2 hours later. That shock must be awful. But it also shows that he wasn't suffering and was content and settled, even so close to his end. 

Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process and I can completely connect with you when you said "I’m convinced if I had just left him alone, it would not have happened". I have similar feelings about what happened to my cat and a similar conviction. I replay the situation over again with me having made different choices, and it convinces me that things could and should have been different. 

Of course if you look at it from a more rational perspective you did absolutely everything right. You really did! Pedro was loved and cared for in the most beautiful way, even moved to a warmer bed to be extra snug. You were caring for him in the way you'd been told to by a professional and added to that you did it with so much love and gentleness. Sadly I know that sometimes guilt isn't as rational or "cut and dry" as that. Sometimes it's just a persistent "gut" feeling. @KayC shared some good articles with me about guilt, perhaps she'll be able to articulate things better than I just did. All I can say is, I know what you're going through <3

It's only been a week. Still so fresh and shocking. You'll be in my thoughts as you get through this tough period. It does get better, I promise. 

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss...you did not cause his death, he had something very wrong going on, something you couldn't stop or change.  It must have been very hard to witness, but it's a blessing he went fast rather than continuing to suffer. I realize nothing is likely to alleviate your pain at this point, nothing but time to adjust to this shocking loss.  We, here, understand the impact loss of a beloved pet has on a family, we are the pet lovers that have considered them part of our family and they take with us a part of our heart when they go.

Feeling guilt is part of grief.  Feelings do not mean you're earned guilt, feelings are...just to be dealt with.  I hope you get as much out of these articles as I have.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

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Hi [mention=412284]Karl74[/mention], 
I am so sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place because people within this forum understand what you're going through and how hard it is. There's no time line for when to feel better after the loss of a family member like Pedro. It's been almost 2 months since I lost my cat Haiku and she's still very much in my heart and mind every day. These things really do take time with ups and downs along the way. 
The way Pedro died must be so hard to process and make sense of.  I know I'd also be going through it over and over again if I was in your position. It breaks my heart to read that Pedro was purring and then gone just 2 hours later. That shock must be awful. But it also shows that he wasn't suffering and was content and settled, even so close to his end. 
Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process and I can completely connect with you when you said "I’m convinced if I had just left him alone, it would not have happened". I have similar feelings about what happened to my cat and a similar conviction. I replay the situation over again with me having made different choices, and it convinces me that things could and should have been different. 
Of course if you look at it from a more rational perspective you did absolutely everything right. You really did! Pedro was loved and cared for in the most beautiful way, even moved to a warmer bed to be extra snug. You were caring for him in the way you'd been told to by a professional and added to that you did it with so much love and gentleness. Sadly I know that sometimes guilt isn't as rational or "cut and dry" as that. Sometimes it's just a persistent "gut" feeling. [mention=405375]KayC[/mention] shared some good articles with me about guilt, perhaps she'll be able to articulate things better than I just did. All I can say is, I know what you're going through It's only been a week. Still so fresh and shocking. You'll be in my thoughts as you get through this tough period. It does get better, I promise. 
 
 





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Dear Karl,

i am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.  This is a very difficult time and I am sure you are on an emotional roller coaster.  

There is no time frame to mourn and we all do it on our own time.  Don’t let others tell you to get over it because losing a baby you will always have a piece of you longing for him.  It just gets less intense. I long for my boy and it is 17 years and now just a few weeks since my Macey passed. I don’t want to forget or lose my feeling of missing them ever.

You truly loved your little Pedro as you do Pablo.  Pedro knew he had a loving home and parent who was very devoted.  You did everything right and I know playing over and over to try to figure out what happened is very natural.  This is because of your love for him.

Wishing you  strength and pleSe return here to let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Dee

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Dee,

 

Pablo is very clingy, they literally spent all their 11 years and 4 months together especially when sleeping in the daytime or on our bed at night time. He hasn’t been out as much either. Every morning Pedro would be under the duvet by my feet and Pablo keeps looking under the duvet in the morning, it’s very sad.

 

Karl.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

 

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Oh Karl,

This makes it even more difficult.

Pablo needs extra attention and love.  

You are very much in my thoughts and being sad is part of loving a baby so much. Losing a child is the hardest thing you will ever do.  

Stay strong and be kind to yourself

Dee

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