My big girl Bella went on Sunday. Heartbroken.

[Fran-Walk]

On Sunday we took our Dalmatian Bella to the vets for the last time. In August she was diagnosed with a rare skin lymphoma. She went on steroids and we gave her a chemo tablet once every 3 weeks for 12 weeks.

In November she began to really show signs of her illness. Her neck glands were so swollen, she had very bad gums and a really nasty looking growth in her mouth as well as sore eyes. We knew the time was coming but the decision was so difficult because she was still eating and drinking and enjoying her walks (even though she was slower). Last week we rang the vets to book her in for Sunday the 2nd of December to realise her from her pain. We debated about this for weeks! It was such a hard decision to make. However, we knew it was the right thing to do. We have cried so much since finding out about her diagnosis. It has been incredibly tough. On Saturday past, we had a prefect day planned out, her favourite walking spots, her favourite human food, just spoiling her and loving her. However, Saturday came and she was in a bad way. She didn’t want to eat, she slept the whole day. Only getting up to switch positions. It was absolutely heartbreaking to watch her that way. We knew now was the time. We didn’t want her to suffer anymore. We were dreading Sunday morning. We wondered if she would even be able to walk! 

The dreaded day came. We woke early and so did Bella! She came downstairs (she had been sleeping in our room the last couple of months), she wanted food! We gave her two pounces of Pedigree and she ate it all! My two sons (aged 6 & 8) hide some ham around the living room for her to find, she got them all! It was the Bella we knew! We gave her so much hugs and love. My father came to collect the boys and take them to his house. This was emotional. Seeing him upset was hard. The boys said their final goodbyes to Bella and off they went. We knew 10am was getting closer. The thought of taking her out of the house for the last time was devastating. My heart was aching. We got our coats on, put her lead on and got into the car. My husband sat in the back with her. We put the window down and she loved looking out. We stopped at the local McDonalds and got her a double sausage McMuffin. We then went to one of her favourite walking spots. We gave her half her McMuffin before the walk and we set off. We took some photos and a little video. It was unbelievabley sad but she was none the wiser. Once back at the car, she got her other half of the McMuffin and her final journey in the car was happening. It was so hard driving and knowing I wasn’t going to see her face in the mirror anymore. We arrived at the vets and I gave her one last bit of ham. We brought a small dressing gown with us that we used to wrap around her when she was cold. We went in the door. She was ok. She cried a little but was ok in the waiting room. There was no one else there apart from the receptionist. She came over and gave her lots of attention. Then the vet came out. Tears escaped from my eyes and I knew this was our final moments with our big girl. We had her from she was 3 months and she is now 9 and a half years old. Still too young to go! 

We went into the room where the vet was so nice. She explained what was going to happen. She took Bella away to put an IV in her leg. Once she got back Bella lay on her dressing gown. We petted her so much, told her we loved her and that she was such a good girl. The vet gave her a little sedation, Bella then stood up. We managed  to get her to lay back down, she was very relaxed now. We were still showing her so much love and I was trying so hard to keep it together for her. Now was the time. The vet, Alison, gave her the injection that would realise her from pain and make her spirit be free. Within seconds, our girl Bella was gone. So peaceful. We stayed with her for a while. Petting her and telling her we will miss her and we love her. 

Once I left the vets, I broke down. I have been crying hard ever since! Everything at home reminds me of her. I work from home and today is the first day I’m home alone. The kids are at school, my husband is at work. It’s just me. My heart is breaking. The house is so quiet, even with music on. I expect her just to be lying here on the rug but she’s not! Tasks like loading the dishwasher is so difficult, Bella would have been over trying to lick the dirty plates. Making the kids lunch and not throwing some ham down for her! Not hearing her bark when I turn the key in the front door. I just can’t stop thinking of her and I can’t stop crying! We put up the Christmas decorations yesterday for the kids. It was so difficult putting Bellas wee bauble on the tree. We didn’t know what to do with her stocking but we put it up as normal. Her bowls and blanket are still in the kitchen. The rug she lay on is still here but she is not. 

I am finding it so difficult to function normally. I feel like I am going to trumatise my kids if they keep seeing me crying this way! They are trying so hard to make me smile! There is just this emptiness. This void. Will my heart ever recover from this loss?! Will I feel better once we get her ashes back home?! How to people go about their daily routine, which is now so different. I know we took bellas pain away and now we are the ones with pain. I am so thankful for that last morning with her and I hope in time that will bring me much comfort but for now I am just absolutely heartbroken and devastated. 

[AJWCat]

Hi I am so sorry about Bella. That is heartbreaking. What you all were able to do on her last day was so sweet. It does not make your loss any less tough but be grateful for getting to be with her and making her passing so peaceful with you all there.   

The daily routine is so hard to deal with losing because we realize that our pets are involved in so many things throughout the day. (I work from home so my cat was our constant companion, like our child!) I promise the heartbreak will lessen but as much as you loved her your grief will take some time. You don't need to take away her bowls and keep her stocking up, she's with you in spirit. Do what comforts you, there are no rules. You will need to be patient as you take things day by day. Some days will be good and others you'll get hit with a wave of sadness from nowhere. It's a tough process. And if you need to really cry, go into the shower, your kids won't hear you.  

  

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of Bella. Our pets worm their way into our hearts and lives beyond comprehension and when we lose them it is absolutely devastating!  We mourn to the degree we love them so is it any wonder you are having such a hard time!  It's not bad for your kids to see you mourn, it helps them know our feelings are okay, even the sad ones as they will surely feel heartbreak in their lives and this lets them know that the grief process is normal.  It takes time but eventually we no longer expect them to be trying to lick the dishwasher or waiting for a bite of ham, we realize they're gone and the habits/rituals we had with them are past.  I know, so sad, but once that reality sets in it doesn't hit us afresh every day like it does at first.  I still keep my old pets' ornaments on the tree in remembrance of them.  My husband's too, as I lost him 13 years ago.  I'd try to do the heavy crying when the kids are gone, but it's okay to be sad around them too, they may be feeling that way some themselves.  Those of us here that get it and have gone through this, our hearts go out to you.

[Dee rite]

Dear Fran- walk,

i am sorry to heAr about your loss.  Bella was very loved.

take one day at a time or one hour at a time.  Know you are not alone.

Crying is healthy and it shows that your heart was over flowing with love.  This is the exact same as losing a child and everyone grieves different and there is no right or wrong way.  

Sending you much strength during this difficult time.

hugs,

Dee