Loss of darling little Lola to an untimely tragic death

[bambina]

Hi, 

I’ve posted on this forum before but it was in regards to losing my bf Brian back in June. Now I’ve encountered another horrific loss but it comes as a result of complete misjudgement. I had adopted a dog I named Sadie from a shelter back in October. Very docile and scared lab mix who was obviously neglected and used for breeding and then dumped. Well anyway she ended up getting along with my rescue cats and then about two weeks ago I started dog-sitting Lola, a tiny little teacup Pomeranian who I’d been dog-sitting for years and I loved her as if she were my own. I introduced her to Sadie about 2 weeks ago and they seemed fine with each other. No signs of aggression. Sadie would come up and sniff Lola and Lola would growl but then Sadie would back off. Well three nights ago I came home to find Lola dead on my dining room floor. It was one of the most horrific moments of my life. Somehow Sadie had killed her. I had to call her owner and tell him that his beloved dog of 14 years had been killed. It was just awful. I am struggling now with enormous guilt about having put Lola in harms way even though I never saw any indication of something like this happening. But still I am indirectly responsible for Lola’s death. And I am just shattered because I loved her so much. I don’t know how to cope with the grief and the guilt, the terrible terrible guilt. Her owner has been so kind and forgiving and never once blamed me, although I have blamed myself hundreds of times since that night. I’m so so sad. I was starting to heal after my bf’s sudden death, and now I feel like I’m back in the throes of depression and grief. I don’t know what to do.

[Fran-Walk]

I am so sorry to read this. I can only imagine what you are feeling. Such an awful situation to be in. It will take time to recover from this! Do you still have Sadie?

[KayC]

@bambina

We had a very similar thread with someone else a while back.  It's very possible that Sadie killed Lola unintentionally.  A teacup is very small, very fragile.  Sadie could have been "having fun" and accidentally gotten too rough, it wouldn't take much.  It doesn't mean that Sadie is aggressive.  Since no one witnessed what happened, that would not be a conclusion I'd jump to.  

I am very sorry, I know this all has to be horribly upsetting.  I'm glad the owner isn't trying to affix blame.  It's just a horrible tragedy all the way around.

[AJWCat]

Oh no, I am so sorry to read this. I can't imagine what you are going through, good you came back here. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. Animals can be unpredictable sometimes, I have read so many things on this forum of people who lost pets from leaving windows open or random things that they never thought would or could happen like this. My cat got into something poisonous (we think though we never found out exactly what) at a vacation house we were staying at. I was devastated and terribly angry. But sometimes bad things happen. It took a while to finally accept what happened and to forgive myself. I hope you do the same.  

This is just a lot to deal with coupled with your bf, are you able to see anyone professionally to help you through this?

[bambina]

Hi,

Unfortunately my therapist moved out of state a couple of months ago, so I need to find another therapist.  I cry every day over sweet little Lola, and the memory of her dead little body haunts me. I hope she didn't suffer and that it happened quickly but I will never know. i miss her terribly. She was the sweetest most affectionate little dog. I still have Sadie (I'm keeping her separate in my downstairs apt). I don't blame her but every time I look at her I'm reminded of my guilt over leaving Lola unattended with her. Sadie always looks so happy to see me. She does that wiggly butt thing, and she gives me kisses. I was so foolish to think that just because she seemed gentle and never attacked my cats or Lola while they were together, that there wasn't a chance she could hurt a tiny dog like Lola.  I'm torn because I don't know what to do with her. The girl who pulled her for me from the shelter is urging me to hold onto her for a while (at one point I almost took her to my vet to be put down) until she can find an organization or rescue group willing to take her. I  was slowly starting to recover from my bf Brian's death, and now I am plunged back into a deep depression. It is hard to concentrate but I am thankful I have a job that requires me to give it my full concentration and allow me a respite from this hell.  This guilt is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Her owner has been very kind to me and doesn't blame me. He knows how much I adored Lola, but the guilt over her untimely tragic death haunts me every day. I know it's only been 12 days since it happened, but I'm so afraid I will never be able to forgive myself for what happened to her. 

[bambina]

I'm on break at work and feel like writing more as I find it to be therapeutic.  Lola's death still feels like a nightmare, and I'm not sure how long it will take to truly process it and begin to heal. I wish with all my heart I had kept her in my sister's room that night. This would never have happened. I am in regular contact with her owner, and I text him various articles and talk to him to help him through his heartbreak. He actually said he wanted to give me one of Lola's paw prints and stated that he knows I loved her just as much as he did. I told him I didn't feel I deserved one of her paw prints and that he really should keep both. I'm so so sad and I find myself more and more scared of losing others close to me. I have a sister who lives with me and who is mentally handicapped and had a kidney transplant nine years ago, and I often check on her while I'm at work, and if she doesn't answer the phone right away, I panic and think something has happened. My therapist said that I still have a lot of issues with loss that I have to deal with (my mother died suddenly of an pulmonary embolism on New Years Day of 2015. Without a doubt the worst day of my life).  And my father had died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 2003. And then of course there's my boyfriend Brian who died suddenly of an aortic aneurysm in June of this year. And now Lola. No chance to say goodbye to any of them.  The pain of the loss of my mom has lessened considerably over the years, but this is the first time I have ever felt directly responsible for anyone's death. The guilt is so heavy and consuming. I'm not really sure how to go about alleviating it.  I guess by writing on this forum Im  hoping to slowly purge some of it.  

[KayC]

No one can make the decision for you but you, as to what to do with Sadie, but I hope you don't put her down, it very well could have been unintentional if Lola was that small, she could have played too rough.  When you have a tiny dog it's best not to leave them alone with much larger ones, we know our pets best, but my Arlie is klutzy and I could see him accidentally stepping on a little creature and hurting it, not on purpose at all, but he's big and heavy, I have to constantly watch him with my cat, she looks out for herself but she's old and doesn't have as acute senses anymore so I have to watch them.  Sometimes she lays in the middle of a pathway and I try to get her to lay in safer places but she doesn't think like that.  it's a challenge!
If this is something you're blaming Sadie for and don't feel you can get past, it really might be best to rehome her.  All animals deserve to be in a home where they're fully loved.  But make sure it's a home without little ones.

I'm sorry you no longer have your therapist, this is a pretty hard time to be going through that transition, I hope you can find a good one soon!

[bambina]

Hi KayC,

I know you mean well and your intentions are nothing but good, but your comment about about how it's best to not leave a tiny dog alone with a much larger one just reinforced my already horribly consuming guilt. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you are already experiencing so much pain and guilt, and people tell you, "well, you should have known... or "you shouldn't have.. etc etc" ....I was at a movie when I read the post, and after that, I couldn't concentrate on the movie and cried the rest of the time. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just want you to be aware and everyone else that no one, unless they have experienced it, can understand how excruciatingly painful it is to see a dog that you loved with all your heart and that you were responsible for, lying dead on your dining room floor, and then have to call their owner. Believe me, I have been chastising myself over and over and over for ever having left Lola alone with Sadie. My sister was at home  too, but she is moderately mentally handicapped, and she told me she had seen Sadie growl at Lola, but she didn't think she was in immediate danger and went back to her room. And of course I don't blame my sister for that. Anyway, I'd been watching them together like a hawk over the last two weeks they were together and I never saw any sign of agression towards her.  And Lola's owner also has a huge German Shepherd and they lived together unsupervised for years with no accident. (of course i know this is different as they were together much longer than Sadie and she were) When Sadie would come too close to Lola, Lola would growl and Sadie would back off. But yes, I foolishly assumed that she was safe and that led to a huge and fatal err in judgement that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. And i absolutely do not blame Sadie for this. Only a fool would blame the dog for this occurence. But I do blame myself. My intention when I rescued her was just to save her from imminent euthanization and  to rehome her, but of course this incident is making it much more difficult. But anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge animal lover, and while I am honest and will admit that being with Sadie reminds me of my guilt about what happened to Lola, I have been giving her love and kissing her and still treating her well because I too believe that all animals deserve to be in a home where they are fully loved. This is why I had her spayed yesterday and am working with the girl who pulled her from the shelter to try to find another home for her. I have too many other rescue pets and wouldn't be able to afford keeping Sadie either way. And yes, I will of course make sure that the home does not have small dogs or small children for that matter, just to be on the safe side.  Thank you for your wish that I find a good therapist soon. I woke up this morning just beside myself. Two weeks ago today that Lola died and the pain and guilt are getting worse, not better. If I don't get help soon, I don't know what I will do. I just know I can't continue to feel this wretched.

 

C

[KayC]

NO NO NO!  I didn't say that to guilt you!  I'm just saying it was likely an accident!  And it's VERY hard to watch them every minute!  I stepped on my elderly cat once and she let out a squall...it could have ended badly, sometimes it is just luck of the draw as to how things go!  PLEASE read the articles listed here.  Honestly, I think sometimes the best parents are the ones that are the hardest on ourselves, because we take our parenting so seriously and care about our animals so much!  I was saying that for FUTURE reference, we have to learn from our experiences to give them validity.  I wish you could get that thought out of your head that you are responsible.  Sometimes we do everything we humanly can and it just feels like it wasn't enough, but it was our best!  
PLEASE READ:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

[bambina]

Hi Kay,

I appreciate your response. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just really overly sensitive right now because I feel so incredibly guilty over what happened to Lola. I know that if I had just kept her in my room while I was at work, she'd be alive today. Hence the overwhelming guilt. I'm at work right now but I woke up with a sore throat and so I'm feeling under the weather and longing to just sleep. Yesterday I ran into my next door neighbor at the store, and he told me that one of my outdoor cats, Penelope, who I'd been feeding for over a year (and was extremely fond of- she was the only one who would ever let me hold her), had been killed by one of his dogs several days ago. Apparently he got her and broke her neck. I knew something bad had happened to her when she went missing almost a week ago, yet I was still heartsick to hear this (this isn't the first stray cat his dogs had killed, and one cat almost got killed last year, ended up with a huge hole in his side, but survived)

So the fact that I'm getting sick now isn't a big surprise. The second half of this year has been tough, first with my bf Brian dying suddenly, and then Lola being killed, not to mention the death of three other stray cats that I'd been feeding (one died in my storage room- I found her two weeks later, but I had left the door open, and the last time I had seen her, I knew she was very ill but couldn't trap her so she had gone in there to die, another one who I had to get euthanized two weeks ago, and of course now Penelope who was killed. Im going to see a new therapist today, as my old one moved out of state, unfortunately. I really feel so weary and shell-shocked and so sad from all these deaths. And of top of it, I still have Sadie, the dog I rescued with the intent of finding her a home, but not that she (probably accidentally) killed Lola, I am at a loss of what to do with her. She's really such a sweet dog, but I can't keep her.  Yet I cannot put her down either. She's been through so much in her life already. I had made an appt to surrender her to no-kill shelter but I cannot go through with that either, as I can't be forthright with them since they would also put her down, even though chances are something like this would never happen again with her. So I'm really really stressed about this as well. I wish God could come down from the Heavens and tell me what on earth I should do with her. 

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Sometimes, if we wait just a bit, a solution will come. Add how awful about Penelope, that breaks my hear too. Was your neighbor apologetic at all?? I know it is so hard and you feel such guilt and yes there so many what ifs. (I've been there myself with my cat believe me.)

I hate to bring up something really sad but I remember many years ago the musician, Eric Clapton, lost his little son who was four. He fell out of a window of a high rise building in NYC. The maid left it open to air out the room and the kid was running past his Dad and somehow went right out - anyway it was obviously horrible. I can't imagine the guilt of the parents and the maid. Sometimes a combination of minor events, decisions, and seemingly average circumstances all come together. Most of the time we never see all the things that don't go wrong of course, because they don't happen.  

So now, after what happened, there is no way to go back, nothing you can do now. As KayC said, we learn. We help others learn too. I feel like the best thing you can do is continue your work of being the kind and compassionate animal person that you are, and that will honor Lola. You are not a bad person. Do what you can to turn an awful situation to the best possible one that you can, not more sadness and suffering for you or any of your other animals. And forgive yourself in the process. 

[KayC]

Have you thought of advertising rehoming her so that you can meet prospective families and choose them yourself?  My son did that...his dog hopped over their tall fence and killed the neighbor's chickens so he knew he couldn't keep her.  He found a wonderful perfect home for her, far enough away (next state) she can't get loose and come home.  And the new owner sends them photos, she looks very very happy.

[bambina]

Hi KayC,

That would be ideal but the only thing I'm not sure about is, if I do meet prospective families, do I just tell them that Sadie isn't good with little dogs and should be the only dog? Or should I tell them exactly what happened and that somehow, she inadvertently killed a little dog? I don't know what is best. Thanks

 

bambina

[AJWCat]

I think if you rehome her you have to explain what happened. But I would frame it is as, she's wonderful with me (meaning you). You are not sure with kids (or whatever, I don't know) and explain what happened with Lola, that it was not a vicious attack but still, it happened and so you feel it is best she is the only dog. But ultimately it's up to them. 

[bambina]

I'm at work and I'm feeling sick. Lethargic and sore throat. I have plans to fly to see my brother and family on Friday morning but I have so much to do before then. Get my house cleaned, give keys to the people who will be taking care of my rescue cats as well as the dog, grade final exams, go to the final grading meeting, buy gifts for my nieces and nephews, and hopefully just collapse into bed once I get to my brother's house. It will be nice to spend time with all of them, as it's been years since we've been together for Christmas, but I am going there with a heavy heart because of Lola's death. I agree that it's probably best to tell any prospective dog owner the truth. I'm just worried that no one will be willing to take a chance on her after they know what happened and I can't keep her. I pray a solution falls into my lap. Than you AJWCat for your support and advice.

[KayC]

A lot of the rescues advertise a dog that needs to be the only dog in the home or specifies no children or other pets.  If it's someone looking for just one dog in their home, it won't matter and they can be careful not to have friends bring over their small pet.  It sounds like this was inadvertent and maybe it was a fluke and this would never happen again but just caution in case.  

I'm sorry you are feeling sick on top of everything!  Very hard time of year to be sick.  I hope and pray you don't get worse, tea w/lemon and honey!

When my son told the prospective new owner "can't be around chickens!" it wasn't held against her, just made sure the new home would be a good fit.  I would have taken her in a heartbeat but I know she could jump my fence (she was tall and limber, she could jump tall buildings with a single bound!) and I have lots of neighbors with chickens, they don't do a good job of protecting them either, so that nixed that idea.  I miss her still, was just looking at pictures of her yesterday, but I know they did the right thing for everyone concerned, even her.  The neighbor could have shot and killed her and been justified, I'm glad he was willing to work with them, he gave them time to find a new home for her, then they bought him new chickens...for those who love their chickens, it's not the same, but the best they could do.  My son also buried the neighbor's dead ones.  Sometimes we have a situation that doesn't seem ideal and we just have to do the best we can with it.  My heart goes out to you.

[bambina]

Thank you KayC,

I'm giving my last final of the night. It will be three weeks tomorrow that Lola died. I can still scarcely believe it, and I can only think of it fleetingly. Otherwise I feel like someone has stabbed me with a knife. The grief is like being pierced with a knife, and the guilt is like the knife twisting in my heart. Things have happened in my life, tragic things, just as have happened in everyone's life, but I've honestly never felt there was anything prior to this that I couldn't atone for. I feel like a criminal now, honestly. I feel like this horrible thing that happened, that I was responsible for, will follow me around like a shadow for the rest of my life. Breakups, death of family members, all were very painful, but there was always this tiny part of me that knew eventually I would be ok. Because I was not responsible for them. But this? This is so different.  I keep remembering her little body, lying limply on the dining room floor. Her little tongue hanging out of her mouth. Her body still warm. It was the greatest shock I have ever experienced in my life. Even the phone call telling me that my mom had died suddenly, that my boyfriend Brian had died suddenly, it was so very different. I didn't see their dead bodies. I didn't feel that I somehow was indirectly responsible for their deaths.  I am so terrified that the pain and guilt will never ever ease up. 

[AJWCat]

I know this feels different because Lola was innocent and had no control over things. But that said, I'm telling you right now that this will not last. I promise you, you will gain the objective perspective that we have for your situation. We love animals here, you think we think you are bad? We should judge you more harshly than most, but we don't. Of course not because we know your heart. I took my cat to a vacation house and didn't watch him closely enough and somehow he ended up ingesting something that killed him. I hate that it happened, I loved my cat like a human child. It will be one of my life's major heartbreaks (it's #1) but I stopped fighting and just accepted. I guess I have forgiven myself. I'm not saying it doesn't matter but I had to, just to survive.  

You will always feel bad. It was an awful thing that happened. But you will come to forgive yourself. And if you refuse to do that now, I get it. It's your process and you have to let your heart heal from what happened. You are good person and your intentions were never to let this happen.  

[KayC]

Give it time.  I hear what you're saying, but you are no more responsible for this death than the others.  You will feel bad, missing them is part of our grief, but try to remember it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.