Just Lost my Only Child - Sudden Death

[Kathy LaRoche]

I just lost my only child a few months ago and am completely devastated.   She died suddenly and her cause of death is unknown.

I struggle to get through each day and really feel like what's the point.  We just do the same meaningless things on a daily basis.   The world is so upside down and people don't care about other people.   It makes me so incredibly sad!

I know there are people out there that know what happened to my daughter, but they are unwilling to help us!

Jordan was a beautiful 28 year old registered nurse that went out with a girl she worked with one night and then back to her house.   The girl said when she woke up the next morning, my daughter was dead.   The strange part is her phone was wiped clean at 2:44 a.m., and 911 wasn't called until 8:00 a.m.

Not only have I lost the love of my life and my best friend but not knowing what happened to her has been torture!   My mind constantly races, I'm uncontrollably crying all the time, I can't sleep, I can't even get out of bed.

How can the world be so cruel!   Why are children taken from their parents?   Life is so unfair!  I absolutely hate it!!!

 

[Mason’s Mom]

You have come to the right place.  We are all trying to get from one hour to the next. After we lost our son a friend told me "remember to breathe ".  It will one year on December 17th And I still have to remind myself to take deep breathes.  The pain is so great it hurts to breathe.  My son would want me to keep going and I bet your daughter would want the same for you. 

[Kathy LaRoche]

Thank you Mason's Mom!  I'm terribly sorry for your son's loss!

I don't know how to even begin to believe my daughter is gone.  I just make believe she's busy or at the beach or working, but then when another week goes by and I haven't heard from her, I know the real truth, and I just can't handle it!

I try so hard to think of what she would have wanted, and I know it's not the constant crying and depression, but I can't get through a day without constantly thinking about her and begging for it not to be true.

I can't imagine my life without her!   We did everything together.  We spoke daily and shared the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We shopped together, had lunch together, and vacationed together.   I don't know what to do without her.  I am completely lost!

[Mason’s Mom]

Try to find ways to honor her. That has helped me. We had a Memorial Golf Tournament in Mason's name. We will give a scholarship to a child with the same attributes and interests of our son. On his birthday I asked each of his cousins to do a random act of kindness in his name. I don't want anyone to forget him ,his smile and all the things he did for others.  Last year on Thanksgiving a elderly family friend expressed a wish to ride a horse just as she had as a child.  My 21 year old son made that wish come true.  It is super hard to understand why he can't be here to keep helping others.  I want to carry on for him. Perhaps you can find a way to do something that would keep Jordan's legacy moving forward. 

[Kathy LaRoche]

I'll certainly give it some thought in the future.   Right now, I'm just having trouble getting through each day.

This weekend is my birthday, and Jordan and I always took a trip together for my birthday.   This will be the first year without her, and I have been dreading it since Thanksgiving.

I actually dread every day, but this being the holiday season is just accentuating the pain.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Do you know any other Moms that have lost children? I work with a few and know others that I talk to from time to time.  Sometimes I just need to talk and have someone who understands listen because there are really no words that can comfort. 

[Kclarke]

I lost my daughter very suddenly on Sept 9. And I know exactly what you are talking about. My whole life has been flipped inside out and I feel like I am missing the reason why I lived.

The only thing that has helped are my nieces and nephews, not only did kayla love them like she was their sister but they bring a bit of light into a very very dark world.

 

[Ashleys Mom]

Thank you Mason's Mom!  I'm terribly sorry for your son's loss!
I don't know how to even begin to believe my daughter is gone.  I just make believe she's busy or at the beach or working, but then when another week goes by and I haven't heard from her, I know the real truth, and I just can't handle it!
I try so hard to think of what she would have wanted, and I know it's not the constant crying and depression, but I can't get through a day without constantly thinking about her and begging for it not to be true.
I can't imagine my life without her!   We did everything together.  We spoke daily and shared the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We shopped together, had lunch together, and vacationed together.   I don't know what to do without her.  I am completely lost!

I feel the same way I text her phone still and I’ve never went this long without seeing her or hearing from her.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Kathy LaRoche]

On 11/26/2018 at 9:11 PM, Mason’s Mom said:

Do you know any other Moms that have lost children? I work with a few and know others that I talk to from time to time.  Sometimes I just need to talk and have someone who understands listen because there are really no words that can comfort. 

I have a friend who lost her son 11 years ago.   She is still struggling with the loss.   I keep in touch with her but when Jordan moved to take a great job opportunity as an RN, we moved as well to be close to her so my girlfriend is back in MA.   I did join Compassionate Friends.  I went to my first meeting a few weeks ago.   It's painful to hear about parents who lost their children.  It's just not right!   We should never suffer such an unimaginable tragedy!!

[Kathy LaRoche]

On 11/26/2018 at 9:15 PM, Kclarke said:

I lost my daughter very suddenly on Sept 9. And I know exactly what you are talking about. My whole life has been flipped inside out and I feel like I am missing the reason why I lived.

The only thing that has helped are my nieces and nephews, not only did kayla love them like she was their sister but they bring a bit of light into a very very dark world.

 

No words can help when you lose your child!  Sending a huge hug!

I agree with you 100%!!  I have no idea what to do with myself!   My daughter was the love of my life, my happy place, and my best friend!

I miss her SO very, very, very much and just don't know what to do without her!

I ask myself every day, what life is all about, and I can't seem to find an answer.   To me, it was all about my daughter and her happiness.  We spent all our time together - shopping, having lunch, vacationing, and spending time together.   We talked on the phone daily and when we weren't together, we were making plans to get together.

Now what?   How do you go on from here?

[Tommy's mum]

All you guys are still in that terrible first year where you are lost and yearning and disbelieving, it is the worst year of grief many of us think. Each subsequent year is also hard that yearning and sadness never goes away you just hide it better. Thanksgiving is over now you have Xmas and New Year still to make it through. Do what you feel like when you feel like there are no rules. It is especially hard for those of you with young children because you do not want them to lose that festive feeling and excitement when they have already lost a sibling and have gained parents who are trying to find the normal and have their own pain. I buy a tree ornament every year for my son who I lost in 2015 and donate to our local homeless charity in his name. We raise a glass to him at the family lunch and I visit the cemetary when I feel ready to do so. There is a sense of peace after I have been there and talked to him it helps me get through all the rest. I still post on his Facebook. Some people start new traditions others prefer the same ones,. Just know none of you are alone there are many of us in your shoes and will help you when we can ok?

[Kathy LaRoche]

On 11/30/2018 at 9:41 AM, Tommy's mum said:

All you guys are still in that terrible first year where you are lost and yearning and disbelieving, it is the worst year of grief many of us think. Each subsequent year is also hard that yearning and sadness never goes away you just hide it better. Thanksgiving is over now you have Xmas and New Year still to make it through. Do what you feel like when you feel like there are no rules. It is especially hard for those of you with young children because you do not want them to lose that festive feeling and excitement when they have already lost a sibling and have gained parents who are trying to find the normal and have their own pain. I buy a tree ornament every year for my son who I lost in 2015 and donate to our local homeless charity in his name. We raise a glass to him at the family lunch and I visit the cemetary when I feel ready to do so. There is a sense of peace after I have been there and talked to him it helps me get through all the rest. I still post on his Facebook. Some people start new traditions others prefer the same ones,. Just know none of you are alone there are many of us in your shoes and will help you when we can ok?

Thank you for your support!   I dragged myself through Thanksgiving and my birthday.  Not sure how to get through Christmas and New Years.

I continually ask how this could have happened and why?   Why her?  Why us?    Every day I tell myself, I am another day closer to seeing her again.   I wish it were soon!    Not hearing her voice, not seeing her beautiful smile, not being able to travel and laugh together is just killing me!

We spent so much time together that the longer she's gone, the more sadness I feel.  The more anger!   She should be here!!   I should be able to see my daughter!

It's so unfair!   Why our children?  

There are so many elderly people and sick people in the world that would be more than willing to take their places.   They should be here with us so we can enjoy our lives!   What is life without them?

[Tommy's mum]

the anger and unfairness of it all can be overwhelming and the why our family? is a question that we have all asked again and again. I am sorry to say there is just a randomness to life that throws major curveballs. What is life without your child you ask and I still have days when I go back and forth with that and I am 3 years into my journey.  It does not matter if you have other children or a loving partner or family, that does not seem to equate with that huge gaping hole inside. As mums we grew these children within our bodies and it is fair to say when our child dies a piece of us dies along with them. There will come a time when those dark empty days get a little brighter but there is no quick fix for something so major and so devastating. The only way through grief is to go through it so that gradually there is some acceptance but it takes a lot of talking and mourning to get there. stay strong

[Kathy LaRoche]

I have tried everything but nothing seems to be working.  I write in a journal.  I talk to her aloud.  I joined a bereavement group for people who have lost children.   I exercise and eat right.   I talk about her and try and think about all of the positive memories.   It still brings me back to the harsh reality that she is gone!   She is gone forever!   It is so hard for me to think that I will be on this miserable earth probably many more years than she was even alive.   

I feel alone even though I have a husband and my parents close.  I feel alone even though friends and family contact me to see how I'm doing.

No one matters to me!   It makes me feel selfish, which makes me feel worse, which can't even be possible.

I couldn't feel any worse than I feel right now.  I am so angry, I scream and cry hysterically.  I lash out and just want to die.   What I wouldn't give to be reunited with my daughter!   

I never thought life was great!   I always knew the people that were in my life is what made it great!   Now that she's gone, I just don't see the point.  It wasn't great before so it's never going to be great without her.    She made it fun and exciting!  She was the one who cheered me up, spoke to me daily, spent time with me, traveled with me, made my life happy and joyful.   Now that she's gone, what do I do?   I don't want this life without her!

[Tommy's mum]

it is too overwhelming to take all the information and consequent emotions in at once which is why we all advise one day at a time. For many months i secretly pretended my son was still living in Hawaii because it was too much to process his forever loss. Months later I found out his siblings did the same as a coping mechanism. Kathy you are doing all the right things and it is bloody hard and painful to keep going onwards when all you want to do is curl up and die as your soul has already died inside. None of us have any control over what happens in life even if we think we do we can only try and make it as best we can. the only advice I can add for you is that I hear your pain and loss but try and avoid that "never" thinking if you possibly can. By never I mean "i will........never see my child again. never hug my child again. never hear their voice again. you know that agonising thinking. of course you must cry and grieve in your own way and never be ashamed of that it is essential for healing to begin. I know that anyone of us bereaved parents can be brought to our knees and tears at those nevers no matter how many years have passed. It is too huge to process. Just know and keep reminding yourself it is not forever it is just for right now and one day you will be reunited again and it will be magical.

[Kathy LaRoche]

Thank you!   I understand what you're saying.  I know you have to positive self talk to accomplish anything and move forward.

But I feel the more time goes by, the more I miss her!    I try not to keep telling myself, it's been 5 mos. now, and you would have seen her so many times and went on vacation and talked to her daily on the phone.   I try not to tell myself about how much I've missed out on already, and it's only been 5 mos., but it's almost impossible.   Everything I see, hear, or do reminds me of her!   We spent so much time together that just about everything reminds me of her.   I can't escape the sadness, the longing for her, and the loneliness!

If I sit for any period of time, even very short periods of time, I just break down.   It seems the only thing that keeps me from not crying is to be constantly busy, constantly outside the house, constantly talking to someone, constantly walking and I know you can't be constantly busy all the time.   It's just not possible, which leaves a good length of time when I'm dwelling and going over and over in my head what could have happened to my baby!  Where is she?   Why is she not here with me?   It's just torture!

[Tommy's mum]

I know Kathy it seems impossible to be able to live life without her but you will, it takes a lot of grieving and talking and crying but eventually you come to a kind of peace because you cannot change the outcome of what happened to your girl but you can change how you handle it. Do you have a therapist or counsellor to talk to? It does help. Sometimes though it is more beneficial after 6 months or so when you are more able to share and listen and be strong enough to talk through that worst time in your life. I had a bereavement counsellor for a year who was amazing and now  I have psychotherapy once a week. I can tell her anything without guilt or fear that my family will think I have lost my mind again and worry about me. The only way through grief my friend is to go through it and you will but it cannot be rushed or ignored. take care

[Kathy LaRoche]

On 12/27/2018 at 8:57 AM, Tommy's mum said:

I know Kathy it seems impossible to be able to live life without her but you will, it takes a lot of grieving and talking and crying but eventually you come to a kind of peace because you cannot change the outcome of what happened to your girl but you can change how you handle it. Do you have a therapist or counsellor to talk to? It does help. Sometimes though it is more beneficial after 6 months or so when you are more able to share and listen and be strong enough to talk through that worst time in your life. I had a bereavement counsellor for a year who was amazing and now  I have psychotherapy once a week. I can tell her anything without guilt or fear that my family will think I have lost my mind again and worry about me. The only way through grief my friend is to go through it and you will but it cannot be rushed or ignored. take care

The best part of my day is when I get to go to bed at night.   I stay in bed for 12 hours so the days aren't so long.  All day I just wish it were bedtime so I don't feel any pain.   Christmas and New Years were extremely difficult as I know you already know.   This month is my husband's birthday and next month is her birthday.   I'm hoping these two months just fly by just like the rest of my life so I can be with her again.   Every night when I tell her good night Jordan, I say, I'm one day closer to being reunited with you.  I just can't wait!  It seems like an eternity until I will see her again, but every day that passes brings me one day closer.   It seems like the only thing I have to look forward to!

[Mason’s Mom]

5 hours ago, Kathy LaRoche said:

The best part of my day is when I get to go to bed at night.   I stay in bed for 12 hours so the days aren't so long.  All day I just wish it were bedtime so I don't feel any pain.   Christmas and New Years were extremely difficult as I know you already know.   This month is my husband's birthday and next month is her birthday.   I'm hoping these two months just fly by just like the rest of my life so I can be with her again.   Every night when I tell her good night Jordan, I say, I'm one day closer to being reunited with you.  I just can't wait!  It seems like an eternity until I will see her again, but every day that passes brings me one day closer.   It seems like the only thing I have to look forward to!

Nights are the worst for me. When I lay down my mind drifts to painful memories and I struggle to sleep. I struggle with wondering if I  will be reunited with my son. We brought our children up in church, but I now struggle with so many doubts. I wish I could sleep.  I have spent hours praying and hope to someday find peace. I know I will always miss him but for now peace is elusive. 

[Kathy LaRoche]

On 1/2/2019 at 8:02 PM, Mason’s Mom said:

Nights are the worst for me. When I lay down my mind drifts to painful memories and I struggle to sleep. I struggle with wondering if I  will be reunited with my son. We brought our children up in church, but I now struggle with so many doubts. I wish I could sleep.  I have spent hours praying and hope to someday find peace. I know I will always miss him but for now peace is elusive. 

I feel confident that I will be united with my daughter someday.   I just wish it were sooner than later.   I hope you find peace.  I completely understand how you feel it is elusive.   I feel the same way.   I prayed every night from the moment my daughter was born for God to keep her healthy, safe, and happy.    I never expected for her to be taken away at only 28 years old.    I always felt she would be there for my whole life and nothing feels worse than thinking my future has been taken away from me.   I miss her every second of every day and spent most morning and evening crying uncontrollably over her loss.   She was the love of my life, and I will never have that again!

[Mason’s Mom]

6 hours ago, Kathy LaRoche said:

I feel confident that I will be united with my daughter someday.   I just wish it were sooner than later.   I hope you find peace.  I completely understand how you feel it is elusive.   I feel the same way.   I prayed every night from the moment my daughter was born for God to keep her healthy, safe, and happy.    I never expected for her to be taken away at only 28 years old.    I always felt she would be there for my whole life and nothing feels worse than thinking my future has been taken away from me.   I miss her every second of every day and spent most morning and evening crying uncontrollably over her loss.   She was the love of my life, and I will never have that again!

It's great you have that confidence. I have also prayed the same prayers for my children. I had trouble conceiving so I always felt they were the answer to my prayers and I wouldn't trade a moment of being their mother. I sometimes feel so selfish for wanting him back but that is what I want for my heart and family to be whole again on earth. I want to hold Mason's children,  he loved babies and children.  I want him to be here for his sisters graduation and the other sisters wedding.  So many things happening in the next year that will just remind me of the fact that there is an empty seat that will never be filled. I  hopeyou find a way to start remembering your daughter and some laughter can replace the tears. 

[Tommy's mum]

Oh yeah I remember just going to bed hiding under the comforter with the curtains closed so I could avoid the whole world. I could be hidden away for periods of time when I was undisturbed by family pretending to be asleep because I could not face the days. The avoidance is normal as is the desire to be left alone but try to get up every day and acheive one small thing so that your days and nights do not blur into one. The cliche one day at a time and time is healing are both infuriating at first but there is a truth in them that you will see after a while. Do not put too much pressure on yourself take each day as a new day and keep on going.

[Ty's Mom]

My son, Ty, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on May 23, 2018.  He was 15 years old.  He was an honor student and star athlete.  Not to mention extremely funny, very handsome, and the absolute apple of my eye.  He was liked by just about everyone that knew him.  The day he died he went to play basketball and then went with a friend to the beach on Lake Michigan.  The boys were climbing the sand dunes and when Ty reached the top he simply collapsed and died.  Just that quickly.  His friend was vigorously performing CPR when the medics arrived.  They were able to restart his heart after an hour and 20 minutes of CPR.  But that was useless since he was already gone and the damage from cardiac arrest was done.  It took five very long months before we got the answers to why he died.  He was born with a genetic mutation in his RYR2 gene that caused a condition called CPVT.    CPVT is brought on by acute emotion and exercise.  It has to do with the heart going into a tachychardia when the heart rate becomes very high.  Typically the first symptom of this condition is sudden cardiac arrest.  This condition is highly lethal and there is no cure but it can be managed with medication or a device implanted in the chest.  So, after we found this out, the rest of the family had to be tested.  It turns out that I am the carrier of the genetic mutation and I passed it on to both of my younger two sons.  Still waiting for the results on my oldest son.  So my middle son is dead from this and my youngest son (he is 14) has to be on medication and can no longer participate in any sports or strenuous physical activity for the rest of his life.  

This probably seems like a lot.  But my problem is still that I am stuck in denial over my son's death.  Denial and avoidance.  Even as I type this it is as if I am telling someone else's story and I am emotionally detached.  Every time I think about Ty being gone it is so painful and hurts so much that I just put it back away and don't deal with it.  I can't go in his bedroom.  I can't clean it out.  I am stuck emotionally and it is becoming an issue in everyday life.  I don't feel like there is any future to look forward to.  Nothing interests me or makes me happy.  I am just going through the motions each day waiting for the day to be done so I can get the next one over with.

Will this feeling of despair go away?  Why do I feel so guilty for shutting everyone out and wanting to just be left alone?  Will I go back to being interested in life again someday?

The picture is my three boys.  Ty is on the left.  Now I am crying.  It is so hard to look at pictures of him or watch videos.  I avoid it as often as possible because just seeing that face makes me want him back so bad.  He had the brightest future ahead of him and I couldn't wait to see what his life was going to turn out like.  He was so gifted and everything he tried he was successful at.  I was proud to be his mom.  It's not fair for such an amazing kid's life to be cut so short.  It's just not fair.

[Alone Mom]

I can relate.  I barely function day to day.  I'm alone, no family.  My miscarriage was hard, losing my only child I raised myself after a divorce and my mom only 5 months prior.  I don't know how I'm going to make it.  I've had my biological relatives get greedy after my mom passed, so I moved and do not speak to them.  They are NOT family to me, just blood relatives now, the ones alive.  Not one called or anything.  My child was a fabulous person and I've always been kind and helpful.  Yet, they just saw my mom's money and could've cared less about me and my son that had just started college.  It is unfathomable what my child and I were put through.  I want a home, need somewhere to go.  I rent and have had friends, but the pain is so unreal.  It's sad, I had to take medication which I hate just to function and work, yet, with my salary buying another home when my inheritance was stolen just isn't feasible with the economy.  I just don't know how we get through this at all.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Alone Mom
just a few mispellings

[Tiffanysmom]

I just found this forum. It’s a Sunny Saturday afternoon and I have this overwhelming sadness that will not go away, so I googled losing an only child. Reading the posts makes me feel like someone else has infiltrated my heart. I did all those things, pretended that she was still living in another town, wondered how this could be happening to me…unable to go outside, I felt suffocated by the noise of people talking, cars passing by and the uselessness of life in general. My darling Tiffany was 38, newly married, living 5 minutes away in the home of her dreams we were best friends and worked together as travel agents - so coworkers too.  I still gasp every time a beautiful blonde walks in the room and think - on there she is! … but it’s not her as she is gone forever. It all happened within a 9 month period mostly we thought she was getting better and the within days she was gone - again forever which is a very long time here on earth. I have researched heaven - I feel like I want to know how her room is decorated. I know - dillusional, right? I have been lifted up by random strangers who seem to have unrealistically crossed paths with me. I choose to see this as Tiffany looking out for me from above as she knows that I would be beyond devasted. I have no words of wisdom to share other than after more than 3 years the sadness is different. It’s not less or more - it’s just that life has moments of clarity, a little less fog and denial, maybe even random periods of acceptance before the sheer emptiness of life without crashes back in. My husband and I could not comfort each other for two years - now we can speak about how we feel. He seems more rational than I am - no surprise there … as he said she was part of you so now that part is forever gone. To my friends I say … consider me a random visitor to my own life. I am prone to not committal, I might or might show up, I might or might not stay for the entire time, might or might not dance or sing or I could break into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I lived in sunglasses night and day for two years - inside and out … just to hide smeared makeup, teary eyes. I am headed for a Hollywood career as I have learned to be a great actress…so not to make everyone uncomfortable. Early on in our small area, everyone knew and of course, who knows what to say? I used to say don’t worry I don’t know what to say to myself so how could you. A very close acquaintance ran into me in the restroom. She screamed and locked herself in stall saying I am not talking to you - I don’t know what to say! People were staring at me as they were standing in line like I was an ex- wife or something so I tried to timidly explain that my daughter had just died - to which everyone gasped and these perfect strangers all started crying and hugging me which was this crazy surreal experience but as I told my family we started to laugh because she had acted in total honesty the way most people feel - It is horrendously horrible and no one knows what to say or do and the truth is there in nothing that is going to fix it.  There is not a magic wand or any quick fix potion to take away the pain and people are uncomfortable with sadness that cannot be fixed - no amount of money or success can straighten out what has happened. It sounds so dire that everyone wants to escape it. But those of us in - have no emergency exit or place to hide. I have likened my position to being on a deserted island and close by just a short bridge away there is another island where everyone is having a huge party called life. I am invited to the party but I just don’t feel like crossing the bridge to get there. Nowadays - I lap around my island and think a lot about rejoining life - I walk across the bridge and watch the party from time to time - I have even danced to the music standing under the tree , swaying back and forth to the best of the drums - always returning to the cocoon of my own private space. I look forward to the time when I can spend a full day - maybe even a week living on that other island. For now I am content to know there is that opportunity to do more than just breathe. In the beginning I had to tell myself to breathe, walk outside, drive down the block. People tell me there is hope with time…

[dustin titzman]

A friend of mine lost his wife and only child in a plane crash. He is struggling terribly and I'd like to find someone in this rate category who can relate. Anyone have a contact for a person who lost both wife and kids and is healing?

[AngieM]

I lost my only child, my beautiful 30 year old daughter on 12/23/2022. She was my best friend and I was hers. We talked and texted multiple times a day. We had sooo many plans for the future. There was just her Dad, myself and her. We were so close. I don’t know how to go on. 

[Venusmom]

On 11/30/2018 at 9:41 AM, Tommy's mum said:

All you guys are still in that terrible first year where you are lost and yearning and disbelieving, it is the worst year of grief many of us think. Each subsequent year is also hard that yearning and sadness never goes away you just hide it better. Thanksgiving is over now you have Xmas and New Year still to make it through. Do what you feel like when you feel like there are no rules. It is especially hard for those of you with young children because you do not want them to lose that festive feeling and excitement when they have already lost a sibling and have gained parents who are trying to find the normal and have their own pain. I buy a tree ornament every year for my son who I lost in 2015 and donate to our local homeless charity in his name. We raise a glass to him at the family lunch and I visit the cemetary when I feel ready to do so. There is a sense of peace after I have been there and talked to him it helps me get through all the rest. I still post on his Facebook. Some people start new traditions others prefer the same ones,. Just know none of you are alone there are many of us in your shoes and will help you when we can ok?

Since my daughter died on NewYears Eve last year, I booked a cruise from 12/21-1/2/24. I can’t pretend it’s Christmas, and I’m not putting myself through that. My son lives far away with his family, and they always spend Christmas with her family. Totally unfair, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have another Christmas at home. I pretty much doubt it.