Loss of my dog

[Kristinemarie]

Hello Everyone,

Last week to the day I put my beloved dog down.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I have issues with anxiety and depression and feeling so overwhelemed with the loss it is making me so sick.  I am having a hard time focusing on my work.  I had my bf pick up his ashes the other day.  Last night was the first time I saw his box. I was so upset I couldnt even take him home. I dont know how to deal with the pain.   Any suggestions???

[KayC]

First off, I'd recommend a pet grief counselor (yes they have them).  I wrote this article of what I've learned following the loss of my husband, I know it's a different loss but loss of a pet is very hard too, I've lost many and I consider those the top two I've had to deal with.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kristinemarie]

Thank you for the pointers. I am trying to make it one day at a time and I do see a therapist for my anxiety.  It helps.  I just want this pain to go away.  I do at times feel happy but than I remember.  My dog was such a big part of my life.  He went through a divorce with me and three moves.   He was my rock.  I know I gave him the best life anyone would give.  Seeing his box filled with his remains hurt.  It is hard to me to think that he is now ashes.  Thanks for reading this.  Just getting my feelings out helps. 

[KayC]

@Kristinemarie  It will subside into something more bearable, I can't say when, it's different for all of us, too many factors involved influence this.  Dogs are such a wonderful support, I couldn't do life without mine...he's 11 in February and I don't know how I'll handle it when he goes, but I imagine I'll have to, the same way I did when my husband died 13 years ago.  Life is full of loss, it seems the older we get, I've lost so many people and so many animals.  When the time comes, I will get another, not right away, but when I'm ready, when it seems right, that's what I've always done.  I just can't imagine life without a dog.  My next one will take me to 80 as I'm 66 right now so I won't be able to have one as big, unfortunately...Huskies are my favorite and mine is 1/2 Husky 1/2 Golden Retriever and will always be my favorite...he got up to 140 lbs but is at goal weight these last few years at 110.  Next one probably 34 lbs...something I can lift by myself because I have no one to help me should anything happen.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, I have anxiety also.  It's something I deal with on a daily basis, harder than people can imagine that don't have it.  You will always love your dog, the bond is great, it comes through in what you say.