Jump to content

Find out how to register Here!!

Check out how to register on the site!.

Share Your Loved One's Pictures

In our beautiful Gallery

Grief Support Marketplace

Check Our New Products In The Marketplace

Take Grieving.com on the Go!

Buy on Apple and Google Play
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×
Mason’s Mom

I am not OKAY

Recommended Posts

Mason’s Mom

We lost our son, December 17th, 2017.  I have tried to be strong for our daughters and I want them to be able to move forward with a full life.  Our son was 21 years old and died of a rare heart disease, we got the call early Sunday morning that he was unresponsive, I prayed and begged GOD the entire 40 minute drive to breathe life into his body.  We had no idea that he had any heart conditions and it was such a SHOCK, I had always worried about a car accident and getting that CALL.  I honestly don't remember much of the weeks after his death, I still have trouble with the memories of pulling into the driveway and the paramedics trying to talk to us.  I got to see him in the ambulance and touch him while he was still warm.  I am crying as I write this, my heart hurts so much.  We had gone Christmas shopping the day before and had bought him a pair of boots, his funeral was the Friday before Christmas so we unwrapped his new boots and buried him in his Christmas gift, 

I returned to work the first week of 2018, I have to stay busy and work has helped to keep my mind occupied.

My husband had surgery on December 6th of 2017 to remove a deep and aggressive skin cancer as well as a few lymph nodes, he hadn't gone back for his follow up appointment and didn't know if he was cancer free and would need additional treatment.

We received a call from the State Medical Examiner telling us the cause of Mason's death and letting us know that our daughters needed to get appointments immediately for a full heart checkup as the disease can be hereditary.  So as we are trying to cope with the loss of our son, we had to go through weeks of medical tests to see if our daughters could have the same illness.  The sad thing is that most of the times the only symptom is sudden death.  THANK GOD they were both cleared.

In late April my youngest daughter broke her hand playing softball, that was a Tuesday.  The following Sunday my husband had a Gallbladder attack and we ended up in the Emergency room early Monday morning.  They got his pain under control and he had an appointment with a surgeon the following day as did my youngest daughter.  That same evening my oldest daughter calls us from her boyfriends house crying in pain.  She had gastric bypass in June 2017 so she called her surgeons and they told her not to go to the local emergency room as they wouldn't understand the ultrasound. She was told to come into the hospital 2 hours from home on the next day.  So I had my husband and youngest daughter seeing a two local surgeons and my oldest seeing a surgeon 2 hours away.  My Mom went with my oldest daughter and they decided to do gallbladder surgery immediately.  This was ALL so overwhelming for me.  After the loss of Mason I am so afraid something is going to happen to my girls and husband.

I am so tired of trying to hold myself upright and act like I am okay.  I feel that I am numb or verge of tears at all times.  Mason's birthday was September 29th and I have had such a hard time with the pain.  How do I get back to being the mother my daughters need and the wife my husbands needs as well?

  • Angel Wings 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ldressle

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your son Mason.  I cannot even fathom how you are feeling right now.  The first anniversary of his birthday must have been very painful day for you.  I know when I lost my son, the firstr year was like big blur...I lost my son on June 15, 2014 and I still have a daily saddness.  It just never really goes away - it seems to change a bit but the memory of my son is like yesterday.  I survived with the help of a lot of coworkers.  I was blessed to be surrounded by understanding and caring people.  I am very open about my saddness - even today.  People really do care, they just don't really know what to say or if they should say anything at all.  I am so impressed that you are able to keep up with your family obligarions - you sound like a very strong person to me.  Dealing with others and showing love for those you care about deeply is very hard for me after my son's crossing over.  He was my only child and the center of my husband's life. 

Grief is very hard - there is no easy path - no easy pill - no easy medication that will make things right. 

The only thing that I try to do is remember how strong my son Benjamin was and carry that with me in my heart. 

I hope you set aside time to grieve - this blog helps.  Lots of support and people going through the same emotions at different times...

May the angels watch over your family and may Mason look over you all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Thank you, I don't feel very strong. The sadness some days is overwhelming. Today was one of the bad days. Mason loved Halloween and I helped him with costumes over the years that brought smiles and laughter to so many people.   Paul Blart was one his favorites. I want so much to believe I will see him again. I want a hug and to see his BIG smile. 

FB_IMG_1541031344496.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tommy's mum

masonsmom grief never goes away it very slowly recedes until you are able to make it through a day or two and then a week or month but the sadness is forever burned into your inner soul. When a child dies it is true that a small piece of you also dies and you are forever changed. You made it through the first year which is a huge acheivement and so you continue on until it is the second anniversary and so on. You have had a lot to deal with and any medical thing is going to trigger your anxieties and fears. Being scared something else will happen to one or more of your family is totally understandable and will gradually fade. It is important to breathe deeply and assure yourself any medical episode is not going to have the same outcome and it will be ok. Grief brings a variety of disorders with it like depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD that some of us will suffer and it is important to recognize them and get some help. I am 3 years on from the death of my 24yr old son and numbness is my daily companion. I cope well most days but the sadness is always there. I do not react to things the way I did before. I can laugh but it is quick, I can smile but my eyes remain sad, I can fake being ok to reassure my family but I know it is not real, I can cry but not enough to heal myself. Talking to people who have also gone through the death of a child is healing because they get it like no one else can get it, we are all wounded souls

idressle your calm acceptance and acknowledgement of losing your son is so touching. He was your only child? I cannot imagine how hard that is for you still. I have 3 other adult children and love them dearly but still feel a distance between us death of a sibling hit them hard and as his Mum I feel that pain daily. You are correct talking openly about what happened is very important. letting your emotions stagnate deep inside is not healthy it is better to let it all go and talk about your child. You are a calm voice of reason that will help others bless you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Thanks Tommy's mum. The last few years before we lost Mason had been rough as he had made choices we didn't understand. I have many regrets, however my husband and I had made a decision to back off and not question his every move. So at least I know we had some quality time. I do have 2 daughters and try to help them health, but I tell them I am just not the same person but I am working towards healing.

I am still paying his cell phone bill even though it hasn't been charged in months. I just can't shut it off I want to someday call and hear his voice. I know there will be things he wouldn't want his mom to see. I cry every time I think about removing his phone from my account. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nicole-my grief journey
On 10/28/2018 at 11:09 AM, Mason’s Mom said:

We lost our son, December 17th, 2017.  I have tried to be strong for our daughters and I want them to be able to move forward with a full life.  Our son was 21 years old and died of a rare heart disease, we got the call early Sunday morning that he was unresponsive, I prayed and begged GOD the entire 40 minute drive to breathe life into his body.  We had no idea that he had any heart conditions and it was such a SHOCK, I had always worried about a car accident and getting that CALL.  I honestly don't remember much of the weeks after his death, I still have trouble with the memories of pulling into the driveway and the paramedics trying to talk to us.  I got to see him in the ambulance and touch him while he was still warm.  I am crying as I write this, my heart hurts so much.  We had gone Christmas shopping the day before and had bought him a pair of boots, his funeral was the Friday before Christmas so we unwrapped his new boots and buried him in his Christmas gift, 

I returned to work the first week of 2018, I have to stay busy and work has helped to keep my mind occupied.

My husband had surgery on December 6th of 2017 to remove a deep and aggressive skin cancer as well as a few lymph nodes, he hadn't gone back for his follow up appointment and didn't know if he was cancer free and would need additional treatment.

We received a call from the State Medical Examiner telling us the cause of Mason's death and letting us know that our daughters needed to get appointments immediately for a full heart checkup as the disease can be hereditary.  So as we are trying to cope with the loss of our son, we had to go through weeks of medical tests to see if our daughters could have the same illness.  The sad thing is that most of the times the only symptom is sudden death.  THANK GOD they were both cleared.

In late April my youngest daughter broke her hand playing softball, that was a Tuesday.  The following Sunday my husband had a Gallbladder attack and we ended up in the Emergency room early Monday morning.  They got his pain under control and he had an appointment with a surgeon the following day as did my youngest daughter.  That same evening my oldest daughter calls us from her boyfriends house crying in pain.  She had gastric bypass in June 2017 so she called her surgeons and they told her not to go to the local emergency room as they wouldn't understand the ultrasound. She was told to come into the hospital 2 hours from home on the next day.  So I had my husband and youngest daughter seeing a two local surgeons and my oldest seeing a surgeon 2 hours away.  My Mom went with my oldest daughter and they decided to do gallbladder surgery immediately.  This was ALL so overwhelming for me.  After the loss of Mason I am so afraid something is going to happen to my girls and husband.

I am so tired of trying to hold myself upright and act like I am okay.  I feel that I am numb or verge of tears at all times.  Mason's birthday was September 29th and I have had such a hard time with the pain.  How do I get back to being the mother my daughters need and the wife my husbands needs as well?

Mason’s mom,

Wow! That’s so much and so devastating. Of course you would be in fear of losing more family members. I felt that way when  I lost my beautiful brother last November. I then started to worry I would lose a parent because they lost two sons at young ages in terrible ways. And then it happend...4months later my Mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stage 4 and it was EVERY WHERE. She lasted 3months and it was horrific. It was a blessing that I got to be there and help her and love her all the way through her last breath. You have to feel your feelings. There’s no skipping the grief you feel. If you don’t let it out, you will get sick by internalizing. That’s what my mom did. Professionals say take care of yourself, so that you can help others. Easier said then done, but you need each other and have to share feelings to continue living. Not forggeting him. Just starting some new routines while you grieve. No one is ever the same after such great loss. Be patient with yourself, share with other moms and dads who can relate. There’ so many great people on here who can help. Take things day by day, hour to hour.

Love and prayers to your family,

Nicole

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

It's such a gloomy Sunday morning.  Mason was born and died on a Sunday, my dad also passed away on a Sunday.  So you can imagine Sundays are not easy for me. In the past few years our family would have Sunday dinner together, not every week everyone was able to attend but at least one Sunday a month we had a family dinner. I still try to have dinner as a family but the fact that there is always an empty seat is very painful.  I don't want to stop because I need to have that time with my husband and daughters. Last week we celebrated our oldest daughter's 26th birthday, next Friday our youngest daughter is a part of the Homecoming court and is in the running for Homecoming Queen, the following week our youngest will have her 18th birthday.  So lots of excitement for both of them.  However as everyone that has suffered a loss of a child understands that while we want to celebrate wholeheartedly it is so painful because for everyone birthday, every milestone and holiday there is a constant pain knowing that a piece of us is missing.  Prayers are very much appreciated as I am struggling with my prayer life.  I don't know how to pray for my family members any longer.  I had always prayed for my children to be safe and healthy, I am not angry however I just simply don't know what to pray as that is the most basic maternal desire.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Somersky

My son also passed away on his 20th birthday of a genetic heart condition. I found him.... and performed cpr for 40 minutes. Skylar survived 2 hours then we had to say goodbye. They wanted us to donate his eyes and we had 4 minutes to make that decision.... we did! It was tough!!! Our daughter is in university and now I worry about her... we go today to get the results of his genetic tissue that was sent to Finland for testing. Skylar had sudden cardiac death .. he was alive at 7:30am and gone at 7:48am... that was April 18... 2016

I completely understand and I am here for you if you need to talk. Skylar was a soul mate to me... he was my beautiful boy..a basketball player who was on scholarship at university... a life cut short! 

B4702229-5C77-4FBA-B4B2-8400F3195D70.jpeg

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Thanks Tommy's mum. The last few years before we lost Mason had been rough as he had made choices we didn't understand. I have many regrets, however my husband and I had made a decision to back off and not question his every move. So at least I know we had some quality time. I do have 2 daughters and try to help them health, but I tell them I am just not the same person but I am working towards healing.

I am still paying his cell phone bill even though it hasn't been charged in months. I just can't shut it off I want to someday call and hear his voice. I know there will be things he wouldn't want his mom to see. I cry every time I think about removing his phone from my account. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Somersky, I am sorry to hear of your loss.  It is good to hear that someone gained sight and that a part of your son truly lives on.  I hope your genetic testing provides you comfort as our daughter's test results found their hearts healthy.  Thank you for the offer, I would like to talk sometime. 

I have struggled through Mason's birthday and the coming the anniversary of his death.  I don't know how you could handle having both dates coincide. Do you dream of your son?  I have yet to dream of him and I struggle to sleep.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Somersky

Well we got the diagnosis of SADS Sudden arrhythmic death sysndrkme. There are 30-40 young people that die each year in the province of B.C. alone of SADS. Unbelievable. Skylar did carry 4 genetic markers for metabolic diseases and they are recessive but they will check summer when she is back from university. Still quite scary and I worry. It is a struggle having his birthday and death day on the same day .... very cruel!! Skylar was born into my arms and died in my arms.... 

I have only felt the presence of Skylar once ... shortly after he passed away ... i was worried about him even after death. The spirit of Skylar assured me that where I was was “tiny” compared to where he was. Then he was gone. It offered some reassurance. I do struggle with ptsd from giving him cpr and finding him not breathing ... he looked so peaceful. He did survive though a short time. I know I will see him again!

i too struggle to sleep.... but I always have. I need help to sleep but often wake up a few times. I think it’s prerty normal.

xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Although we were to late to see Mason before he passed,  I struggle with driving up and seeing the Paramedics standing outside the ambuLance.   We were given some private time with him before they took him away.  He was still warm but so still, I just keep going back to that moment when I try to relax.  I did see a grief counselor and take some meds but the pain still hits me so hard. 

I am struggling with the Christmas decorations and music already playing in stores.  I unwrapped the boots we bought for his Christmas gift and had him wearing them for his burial. It was the last thing he had asked us to give him. If I didn't have my two daughters I wouldn't ever celebrate Christmas again. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Somersky

We buried Skylar in his basketball runners. There wasn’t an urn big enough for his ashes... he was almost 6 foot 6!!! It was hard throwing all his birthday gifts I had ready for him in the garbage...I didn’t have the heart to even open them. I often think to myself if I had come upstairs 5 minutes earlier....

always know we are all here for you xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Mason was a big Kid as well. His nickname was "BIG Country". We have so much in common.  When We made Mason's funeral arrangements we picked a casket and later received a call that he was to big for the one we had chosen.  He was tall and broad shouldered. I have a picture of him at his high school graduation he is standing by some close friends that are about 5 foot 2 inches and he towers over them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

Really struggling right now. Thanksgiving day was incredibly hard and it is coming up on the 1 year anniversary of his death.  CHRISTMAS just soon to follow. My heart is crumbling,  I am physically tired and hurting. I attended my daughters basketball game last night and one of Mason’s  classmates mothers told me her son had an assignment to write an essay about the one person in all of history that you would Want to bring back and just talk.  He chose my son. She wanted to let me know what an impact Mason had on his life.  I love hearing these stories but it makes me question WHY IS HE GONE?????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tommy's mum

mason'smom I am sorry there is no reason no actual fact why our child was taken and not someone else/s. It is not because they were not loved enough or good enough or a punishment for the family, it just is what it is,  and the hardest thing is to work through that and come out the other side with some measure of peace and acceptance. That takes time. Have you been to therapy or spoken to anyone professional? Hearing nice things from other people is really nice but does not heal the ache because we feel their life was cut short and their potential impact on the world was denied. A tiny bit of you will always think "who might they have become? Where would they be in terms of employment, study, family?" Anger is common, even later on, because of the unfairness, the unjustness of it all. keep taking it one day at a time

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

I did see a counselor for a few months and it did help. You are right i do feel it is unjust and would never wish this pain on anyone. Peace is what I need, right now I am just trying to survive and be strong for my family.  Thanks for understanding. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ashleys Mom
I did see a counselor for a few months and it did help. You are right i do feel it is unjust and would never wish this pain on anyone. Peace is what I need, right now I am just trying to survive and be strong for my family.  Thanks for understanding. 

I sure understand how you are feeling and I know all of us do it’s very hard


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mason’s Mom

I had miscarriage February 14, 1995, one year before I became pregnant with Mason. Valentine's Day has been a struggle for years as it has been a reminder of that loss. It was easier after Mason and then Madison were born but never an easy day. I rarely talk about the loss of my unborn child,  but it is a part of who I am.  Tim and I struggled with infertility and had to have help to have our children. We both wanted children so much we spent so much time and money and didn't regret any of it. Sometimes it is such a struggle to not be angry about our losses. I look around and see children that are neglected and it seems they are a burden to their parents. I love all of my babies and would love to wake up tomorrow and all of this be a nightmare. To see and hug Mason and my girls,  be a complete family again. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.