14 months and feeling worse - Loss of Mom

[smk]

I actually posted this as a reply on another, but thought I start new.  Loss is 14 months.  Now I am going through 2nd time around...all the firsts are done but wow its not any better.  People will tell me I look  better than "the first year" and that may be, but I feel just as bad.  My outer appearance is just covering up  the turmoil inside.  Friends are animate about be going to see a counselor but I just don't see that happening nor do i want to open up to someone I don't know.   It's like people just want me to "get better" as if I could.  

Little background.  My mom and I lived together.  At first when I was younger it was the typical kid living at home, but after my father died and I grew and matured myself it eventually changed we were great together.  We did everything together, vacation, gossip, binge tv (oh we loved our binge tv)  Eventually it turned into me being her caregiver which honestly I struggled with and had a lot of anger about it.  Something I am having a hard time with forgiving myself for.  The last 2 years well just were very difficult.

I am really having difficulty finding purpose again as I was so connected with her in everything I did.  Friends are starting to tell me I have choices that I can make now...go down dark path of memories or choose to move ahead.  I don't feel like I have that control.  Also apart of me doesn't want to let go and move on....uggg...well I have to go now...late for work...

 

[reader]

Dear smk,

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Grief really ebbs and flows. Some days we feel we are making some progress and others day it knocks us down.

You were so close to your mom. It is not unreasonable to still be upset or having difficulty accepting her loss. It was a huge loss and change to your daily life. There is no magic date that we all stop grieving or wishing things could be different.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and try to ignore these well meaning friends and family.

Keep writing to us. We'll be with you.

[sadandlost]

Dear smk,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I think I remember an early post by you many months back.  I think we get to a certain point and think things should be better and they are not.  Its around 20 months for me.  I can't say its better.  It is better than the shock of the first 6 months and the paralysing depression of 6 months that followed.  This year I find new layers of guilt to my grief and continual sadness.  Its not a black hole but there are times i can't believe it happened and that she is gone forever.  Never another conversation to be had.  Like you I was very close to my mother and spoke to her daily and toward the end her partial carer.  It leaves a hole.  An emptiness.  I do think at some point we get used to life has changed for us.  I don't know when that is and it is probably different for each of us.  I just wanted to say, I understand and it is the same for many of us.  Friends that are telling you you have choices etc.. haven't experienced devastating loss.  They don't know, just as we didn't know until it happened to us.  I hope in time you will find meaning and purpose to your life again.  For now its still day by day...  Wishing you all the best.

[smk]

Thank you both for your responses.  Your right I did post last year and boy you are right about the hole and emptiness.  Wow, never knew that kind of feeling could exist.  Day by day...thank you

[marbeth]

smk, your story could be mine.  I lost my dad when I was seventeen and as my mom's only daughter, I felt I had to be there for her, and somehow the decades went by and we never parted.  We loved to walk and covered many a mile; we shared the same political views, had the same sense of humor, and enjoyed the same TV shows.  She was my best friend.  Like you, I took care of her in the last few years of her life when her health declined, both physically and mentally.  She became a different person at times--I called that personality "her evil twin Bertha" and I can completely identify with your feelings of anger and resentment, and ultimately guilt over the anger and resentment.

To be honest, I thought that when she finally died, I would feel a sense of freedom and relief--maybe 50% grief and 50% relief.  She died in April at the age of 91, and while there is some relief, it is overwhelmed by the grief.  I carry a constant feeling of heartache and I wonder if my life will ever have meaning again.  I thought I was adjusting reasonably well in the first few months, but a month or so ago it hit me all over again and I'm having crying jags so intense I fear the neighbors will think I'm being attacked.  I doubt I'd reach a point of deciding to end it all, but I do find myself thinking that if I were diagnosed with a terminal illness, it wouldn't be the worst thing.   

I'm not a religious person (neither was my mom) so I just grit my teeth and smile politely when people tell me that I'll see her again someday or she's looking down at me.  I can see where that scenario would be comforting if I could bring myself to believe it, but I just can't.  And frankly I haven't really noticed that religious people automatically cope with grief that much better.  It depends on the person.

I don't even know why I'm replying to you because I have no advice to give.  Your story spoke to me because it is so remarkably similar to my own, and I hope at the very least, you'll know you're not alone.  I completely understand your reluctance to see a counselor--I too doubt the effectiveness of sitting there weeping to a stranger, and I'm self-centered enough to know that in group therapy I'd be tuning out the others while I waited for my turn to speak and then I'd feel like a heel.

You mentioned that friends have given you advice, and while you may not find it helpful, you should probably at least try to spend as much time with them as you can and do fun things.  I have two brothers and a sister-in-law that I go to dinners and movies with and watch DVDs with (we're making our way through ancient episodes of Dark Shadows right now) and spending time with them helps, at least for a little while.  I know, though, that I'll never feel as close to them as I did to my mom.  Everyone says that time is healing, and I'm counting on that.  It's been only six months for me and I'm hoping I'm not feeling this way in fourteen months.  I also hope that what you need is just some more time.  As others have said, there's no timetable for grief, but most people seem to eventually get past the worst of it.

Best wishes to you.  

I want to add that I have an aunt who lost her husband three years ago, and when I talked to her about it recently, she said that the second year he was gone was worse than the first year, and that she is just now getting over the sense of his presence, as if he should be in the nursing home or just in another room.  I also spoke to a woman I know who lost her mom a little over a year ago, and she said it got harder before it got easier.  It just goes to show that everyone follows their own path through grief.  Just because you're having a really hard time now doesn't mean it will always be this way. 

[tessa]

Yes, it is very lonely now. There's no purpose anymore.
To make it worst, I have also lost close friends. The people I used to share with are now gone.
There is no one to phone to have a chat about nothing and everything. No one to vent to. No one to laugh with.
There's lots of people around, millions of people but there's no connection.
I often wonder how did I end up with a life like this.
I don't see it ever getting any better.

[marbeth]

So very sorry to read what you're going through, tessa.  Do you have any family members--siblings, cousins, anyone?  Believe me, I know it's not the same, but it might give you just a little solace to talk to or spend time with them. 

I feel like a phony trying to give anyone advice since I'm not doing all that well myself since my mom died, but it breaks my heart to know that others are also feeling so sad and hopeless.  I think we'll all get through this eventually, and we can at least support one another on this forum. 

[nuvar]

dear SMK im sorry for your loss.

i also lost my mum recently and my dad has moderate dementia. i too, need to cope with work and things... so many things going on but i cant put 100% into them

i have few to no friends, 1 is abroad and got his gf recently and the other is married with a newborn on the way, my relatives (slightly younger) all are married or have partners, i have no partner nor friends and relatives are slowly beginning to "fade" away.

perhaps you can find your direction and try to help others, that's what i hope to be able to do some day

[smk]

Thank you to you all for your replies.  It does help somewhat to hear from others.  

[marbeth]

I replied to this post eight months ago when my mom had been gone for six months.  Now, like the OP, I'm fourteen months into my grief and it still hurts.  I still spend so much time thinking about my mom, wishing I had a time machine so I could go back to a time when she was with me and healthy, and also wishing I could just tell her one more time how much she meant to me and how much I love her.

Smk, if you're still around, I hope your pain has lessened somewhat now that it's eight months past your original post.  If not--well, you're still not alone.  I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever get over this.  I suspect that most of us expect too much of ourselves and think we're the only ones who are taking so much time to recover. 

[smk]

I am still here.  Well, I am approaching the 2 year mark of her passing.  The pain, well, I guess I would say it is a dull ache right now with moments of jabbing pain and moments of ...wait, did I just relax and smile.  If you have seen that Ping Pong ball in a box analogy I very much can connect with that. (Google Ping Pong Ball and grief).   

This week I am struggling though.  This coming Monday it will be 2 years.  This week was a very challenging week 2 years ago, on this particular day she was still home with me, it was her last day in the house before we got to the hospital.  It is crazy how the pain and the tears just don't go away.  

Here is another thing I am starting now to struggle with...I am not sure I can put this in words clearly, but its with time.  Time from when she died and her being here.  I don't like it as I am getting further away from it.  I know friends think it is a good thing, that whole time heals...but I guess to me its like I am in the ocean and she is right there with me but then starts floating away and I cannot get to her or reach her.   Uggg, I am sorry I am not making any sense..  It is a tough morning.

 

PS.  I did go see a counselor, 2x, I liked her.  It was extremely hard and exhausting.  I probably should have continued, I may still go back.  

[marbeth]

One thing I'm struggling with is the feeling that if I get over my grief, I'm abandoning or betraying my mom.  Is that what you're saying in your last paragraph?  As much as I know my mother would want me to feel better and move on with my life, it does feel as if I should hang on to my sorrow or I'll forget about her.  Logic tells me that's ridiculous, but my emotions are telling me otherwise.

I'm hoping that as more years go by, I'll look upon my memories of her with fondness rather than a desperate sense of "I gotta hang on to this or she'll really be gone!"  I hope that happens for you too.  As I said in my previous post, I think sometimes we try to establish a certain time frame for getting over grief and if we take longer, we feel there's something wrong with us and fear we'll never be able to get past it.  Reading through your posts and those of others, I'm realizing that it's not unusual for the grieving to last for years and to sometimes hit us anew just when we feel we're getting better.  

Best wishes to you.   

[nuvar]

smk, replying to let u know u're not alone.

 

for me it's been 1 yr but just seems like yesterday. u are right, the pain is dulled but sometimes i break down also. i dont think i will ever get over this, since i dont have much support and im caring for my demented dad, juggling with financial woes, work and stuff

 

sometimes i feel im merely holding on, sometimes a little glimpse of hope but more often, dont know what im holding on for

[smk]

Marbeth,  oh my yes, you hit it on the head.  The is exactly how I feel.  Just yesterday a close friend told me how it made her feel so good to see me like my old self, engaged and smiling and yes I felt that and then this other part of me is saying...hold on...you shouldn't and how could you just act like all  is fine.  

Nuvar I understand the feeling of merely just holding on, they hit me like a wave  and at time where I just don't want to hold on.      Grief is exhausting!

[reader]

Dear smk,

Thank you for coming back and updating us.

Grief is a long journey. My one counselor said it could take 18 months to 4 years to 10 years to fully process the loss. We are all so different but the most important thing is to honor our feelings and know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I think its normal to take our time to mourn and grieve but also okay to feel like we are moving forward too.

At almost three years, there are still hard moments but they are fewer then in the first and second years of my grief.

Please know we are with you.

[Crystal1984]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I, too, was very close to my mom as we lived together.  I lost Mom just over 5 months ago and can totally relate to feeling it is getting worse.  I think people believe I should be getting on with my life, and I feel my life ended the day my mom died.

 

[marbeth]

Quote

I feel my life ended the day my mom died.

I'm sure that statements like this are concerning to some, but I'll confess to feeling this way myself since my mother died.  She was such a big part of my life--my friend as well as my mom--that losing her makes everything seem rather pointless.  Speaking for myself, I don't plan to act on this feeling, but it's distressing to imagine myself slogging through the rest of my life with the overwhelming sense that it's all meaningless now.  The first two lines of an old song keep playing in my head:  "All the good times have passed and gone; All the good times are over."

I hope that all of us who feel this way--and I've seen several similar comments posted on this forum--will give ourselves the chance to get over it.  I'd hate to think of anyone giving in to that feeling because it is very possible that no matter how empty we feel now, things will get better.  Everyone who lives long enough will experience the death of a loved one.  Often several loved ones.  Parents, siblings, children, spouses.  Somehow most people go on.  It's life. 

I think it's important for all of us to know that we're not alone, even in feelings that we hesitate to express because they sound extreme or alarming.  I hope we all get through this time in our lives and find ways to make life seem as if it matters again.