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Sudden and Unexpected Loss of My Beautiful Boy


gatsbythegreatcatsby

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gatsbythegreatcatsby

In April 2016 I adopted my two beautiful kitten brothers, Gatsby and Fitzgerald. Gatsby was the alpha and large than Fitz but he was very calm and sweet. Fitz was a little kooky and would always work to get your attention. Gatsby always let Fitz get to cuddle with me first whenever I got into bed at night but he wouldn't be far behind. It reminded me a lot of a caring older sibling who looks after the over eager younger brother. He never broke any of the "rules" like his little brother would by jumping onto shelves and knocking things over. Gatsby was super long and large (15 lbs!) without being overweight. I used to joke he had a slinky for a spine because you could pick him up under his arm pits and and he would fully stretch down to my knees. Whenever I'd pick him up, he'd let me hold him as if he were a toddler. One arm and one leg on either side of my hip and his head resting on my shoulder. He loved to lay on his back while sleeping and when he'd see you come by, he'd roll and stretch long inviting you to rub his belly. He absolutely adored having his belly rubbed. When he would lay with me on the couch or in bed, he'd stretch out his arms so he could place his paws on my face. He also would "kiss" by placing his nose right up against your cheek, a habit he'd done since he was a kitten. 

At 1AM yesterday, my Gatsby died suddenly and completely unexpectedly. It was actually strange I was even awake at that time but my roommate had come home an hour beforehand with something to show me. We spoke in my bedroom for about 30 minutes and Gatsby jumped on the bed and was super affectionate to us both, rubbing his head against are hands and my phone while purring away. Eventually my roommate left and Gatsby hopped down and went into the living room. I was just about to turn off the light when I heard my roommate rush over saying "Something's wrong with Gatsby!". I jumped up and we found him laying on the floor by the front door, making short little breaths. I frantically tried checking his face and in his mouth to see if he was choking while my roommate tried to find an emergency vet office to call. I just kept shouting "baby, baby, what's wrong? Baby, I'm here". He stopped breathing completely and I tried to find a video quickly on how to perform CPR. I pulled his face toward mine to try to attempt and his eyes were wide open and his tongue was hanging out. I screamed in horror, he was already gone. This all happened within 5 minutes. My roommate and I still rushed him into the emergency vet, meanwhile I was sobbing uncontrollably because I knew that he was already gone and with the 20 minute drive to the vet, there was no way he could be brought back. I arrived and the vet confirmed what I already knew, that my big beautiful boy was gone. She said that upon an examination and with the knowledge that he had no symptoms/appeared completely healthy along with how quickly it all happened, she believe he had HCM or cardiomyopathy. Even if I had gotten him to the vet before his attack had even occurred, there would have been nothing they could have done. 

It's been almost 2 days and I can't stop thinking he will come around the corner. I never would have imagined this and the shock of how sudden this not even 3 year old, seemingly healthy boy was taken from me has me completely heartbroken and fearing for his younger brother. Apparently HCM can be genetic and can be completely asymptomatic as evidenced by Gatsby who had just had a vet visit a few months prior. Not only am I now worried Fitz also has HCM and he could died suddenly at any moment, but I can tell he is just as heartbroken at the loss of his best friend. He hasn't left my side and has been especially clingy. I've been able to get him to drink a little and eat a little, but mostly all he has done is sleep. I tried to play with him which he only acknowledged for 5 minutes before just walking away to go back and sleep. I also turned on the sink and the shower as he's always been fascinated by running water for some reason. All he did was stare at the corner of the bathroom, which is where Gatsby usually would sit as I got ready. 

I've (thankfully) never experienced sudden loss of a loved one so this has completely gutted me. I find myself anxious and sad not only for myself, but for my other little boy Fitz. I appreciate whoever is out there listening to this. I've heard that it can be therapeutic to write it all down. 

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I am so sorry, I can imagine how shocking this was, especially with sudden death of such a young animal that you thought had years left.  You are right that it is good to express yourself and know you're heard, it's validating.

With your concerns about Fitz, I would talk to the vet about it, but if there is nothing you can do to head it off, then try to just enjoy each day you have with him as a gift.  We never know when we are going to lose someone, I have lost many, many in my life and I know changes are continual, I've learned to take one day at a time and appreciate the good that there is.

I hope this article helps you as it addresses your concerns about your grieving cat:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

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My heart breaks for you. Losing your sweet guy so suddenly like that with no warning is really shocking. I am SO sorry. :( 

I lost mine the summer before last also very suddenly and being helpless to save him was horrible. My guys was much older though, 15. I wish I could say something to help you - just know I understand and as you said, writing things out can be helpful. I wrote here every few days for weeks and weeks dealing with all my emotions. I was sad, mad, and everything in between. So, give yourself time to deal with this and grieve and I hope that as KayC said, Gatsby is okay. 

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gatsbythegreatcatsby

Thank you both for responding, it really has been comforting to hear from people who really understand the level of grief. I was worried that the people in my life who I'm not close to like at work, etc wouldn't understand but they really have been. People who I haven't spoken to in years but remembered my excitement when I first adopted them (I guess I was a bit excited!) even reached out. My boss was kind enough to give me a day off completely (and offering such a sincere apology) after I requested to simply work from home after being with him at the emergency vet til 4AM. 

I kept myself busy today with some tv watching with Fitz in the morning and then spent the entire afternoon doing a thorough cleaning of my apartment and bedroom. Purging things I don't need. It was very therapeutic and got my mind off things. I only cried once today when I was speaking to my roommate about something Fitz had done and I accidentally said Gatsby instead. Sent me in to a tear moment where I had to collect myself for about 10 minutes and then was able to regain myself. I'm working on seeing all of the positive aspects of this horrible tragedy and not focusing on the "fairness" of it. Yes, it wasn't fair that my little boy was sick and I wasn't given the opportunity to try to prevent it or prolong his life. However, the positives, though they still hurt: he didn't die alone and he wasn't in pain, he was with the person he loved most holding him and trying to save him. He knew that I was with him. He passed at home and not a place he didn't know. Fitz was nearby, and though he looked so confused at the time, I am positive that though he appears in grief, the witnessing of Gatsby's passing gave him closure that his brother didn't just disappear for no reason. And the small lesson that even though I always knew in theory...the ones we love can be taken from us at anytime. I truly did feel my boys were safe from something like this as they had regular checkups and are indoor cats who couldn't get into too much of harm. Life is so fragile and beautiful, but not fair. It can end at any moment so I should enjoy every minute of it for myself and also savor those moments with those that I love. 

KayC - thank you as well for the link. It is very helpful and I've been keeping it in mind for Fitz. I'm taking him to the vet next weekend to seek a medical opinion about if we can diagnosis HCM before the worst and if not, if there are any meds that would not harm him if he didn't have the disease but to take as a precautionary. He still is not acting like himself (which I believe is because of grief) but if he is still that way by the vet appointment, I will also ask their advice on that as well. 

*just a small clarification, it was Gatsby that I lost (black and white). Fitz is his smaller, little brother (orange and white). They were from the same litter and were bonded.

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I love your picture of them together, sorry for the confusion on the names.  Beautiful cats.  I like how you're looking for positive, what else can we do.  You are right and death often affects us like this, we are not the same afterwards, we realize life is a gift that can be taken at any moment so we try to make the most of it while we can.  I do hope for the best for Fitz, and even though siblings, I hope Fitz doesn't have the same condition or develop it.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Gatsby.I know how much it hurts and how much devastating is his absence...sudden loss includes the great deal of shock that surrounds you...the first days are the hardest to cope with your loss,but there will be a day where you will think the love and the happy days you offered him....there was nothing you could do to prevent this from happening but the thing you could do,such as the love and shelter you gave him are the most important and you did this....I lost my 6 years old cat suddenly two weeks ago,from a rare and aggressive tumor and until the day he stopped eating he seemed pretty healthy,the shock was massive,I am still sad and i feel empty,i adored him...the connection we share with them will never break and i believe we will see them again!

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I am so sorry, when it happens so suddenly, and to a young one, it can make it very difficult to deal with. I am glad that you are focusing on the positives and that the people in your life have been so supportive and understanding, that really makes it easier. 

That is such a nice photo of the two of them together. Good luck with Fitz, I hope he doesn't have the same condition

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I love the pic they are both so adorable.... hope you are doing okay, good to read your post and that you are able to at least see some of the "positives" - I too was glad that I was there to be with my cat at the end.  

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gatsbythegreatcatsby

Thank you to everyone for your kind words...I made a vet appointment for Fitz for Saturday and hopefully will receive good news at the end of it. He still continues to be extremely clingy but is making small steps towards his normal behavior. I'm trying to be gentle with him as he definitely was the one of the two who struggled most with change. My dad is encouraging me to get another cat because he and my mom always did that pretty quickly upon losing their cat. However, I'm just not ready for that for many reasons and also, I don't think that would be right for Fitz. Someday I'll get him another buddy, but that day is not anytime soon. 

Last night I found some videos of Gatsby and I started crying. The emotional side of me keeps thinking it just isn't fair, not to him, to me, or to Fitz. I'm trying to let my rational side win out with all the positive aspects but I falter sometimes. 

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Years ago we adopted a brother & sister at 4 months, they were very close and slept together.  Two years later a neighbor kid set a trap down in the forest on my property and Midnight got caught in it.  We didn't know where he was for five days, we called him, looked for him, nothing.  On the 5th day gangrene had set in so he was able to pull his arm out of the trap and make his way back to us.  It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen, we had to put him down ourselves as there was no vet in our country town and he could not have made it to one 50 miles away.  His pain and suffering was indescribable.  We gave him a can of salmon first, and he died instantly, still it's the hardest thing in the world to have to put down your own pet.

Autumn grieved horribly.  She never came back inside the house again, she never trusted us again, I think she thought we took him away from her (no, she didn't see what happened).  She wouldn't let us pet her anymore.  I wonder now what would have happened if we'd gotten her a buddy, I don't know why it didn't occur to us to try it at some point.  She lived for 14 years as an outdoor cat.  She got into someone's antifreeze once and we rushed her the 50 miles to the vet, they gave her 3 shots, cortisone, antibiotics, and I don't know what the other one was, but she pulled through.  It's so hard to see our animals suffer, be it emotionally or physically.  My animals have always been the world to me, and I know you feel the same.

Keeping the prayers going for Fritz, keep us posted.

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