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Trying to cope with losing my oldest son


Stewarts Mom

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I am new to this forum.   I lost my oldest son in June to what we believe is an accidental overdose.  He was clean for over a year and remained consistant in programs, until he got kicked out of the last one for smoking a cigarette!!  We desperately tried to find another program but most places wont take people if they are "clean".  He disappeared off the face of the earth a week later, got on a bus and went to try and get the help by himself.  After what seems like an eternity of him not answering his phone or social media, we found out he had been laying in the medical examiners freezer over an hour away from home as a John Doe.  I wont get into the circus that ensued after receiving the news but it took over a month to get him put to rest properly.  I have taken no real time to really grieve as people will not just leave me alone to do so and all they have been doing really is taking advantage of me, bullying me and abusing me.  I am already deeply hurting and these people are causing me more grief and hurt on top.  I distance myself as much as I can, I work and keep busy, I have my younger son but he is out of State at University and I panic when he doesnt answer his phone,my wayward husband has not been there for me at all through all of this, has not consoled me one single bit.  I am trying to cope as best as I can  with this.  I am basically alone and have nobody just checking in on me to see if I am ok unless they have some hidden agenda for their own needs.    

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TearsInHeaven

Stewart's Mom, I am so sorry for your loss.I know those words get said so many times they are just background noise. I can assure you you have come to a good place where you will be understood, always get a virtual handhold.  I must tell you that I have been a regular on here since I lost my son almost 4 years ago.  Not long ago I stopped posting but I can tell you there are many parents here, some new, some have been here for 14-15 years and without their compassion I could not have made it past day one.  I was gathering some of my posts and saw you had just posted recently.  I know some members have had some problems getting on and I just could not let you sit on here and think there was no one to turn to.

in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your son.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. Helping your son as you did and seeing him go for "help on his own" had to be the most difficult thing in the world...and then finding him as you did was more than a parent can bear.  I am not sure why people feel the need to bully or abuse you.  You are a loving and now grieving mother. It has only been a few months, most of us are lucky to remember to breathe by now. I remember that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. And it still rears its head for one reason or no reason. . No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way.  The path is never straight. Having the ability to get my feelings out  has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still.  Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (and sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone.  There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along.  You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.  It is a rough and rocky road ahead.But you will get through this. Sadness will be an eternal part of my shadow. While I will always mourn his loss I will celebrate his life.  Yes, celebrate…  So many parts of my life changed as I learned of his existence, as I gave birth to him, as I watched him grow, graduate college, make his way.  Would I be the person I am without having had him in my life? No.  Will I be the person I am after his loss.  No.  I acknowledge that grief will always be in my life because of that I will need to learn to do that and it will not always be easy and tears will come sometimes even easier than breathing but somewhere I will find the strength. And somewhere I will see the love and joy he brought to my life as one sees the first green shoots emerging in Spring.  I know you are not there yet and probably not for a while.  But that is ok.  We walk in the same grief shoes no matter what our unique circumstance, no matter how unique each of our sons were. No one can tell you how to grieve.  Everyone grieves differently.  But the truth is you will grieve forever.  Now that is not said as a life sentence but as a statement that losing this most important person in your life is something you will not get “over”.  What you will do is learn to live with the part of your live that you shared with him and integrate learning to live with his loss.  Baby steps. You will heal and the pain today will change into the life you will begin to learn to rebuild….maybe always carrying your sadness but not being able to only know how to be sad. Slivers of light will eventually find their way to you no timetables, no stages just the human capacity for healing.

Sorry to go on so but I thought you needed a shoulder to lean on.  What I can tell you is if you go to the Loss of a Child>Loss of an Adult Child and click on the last page you will find the active posts. Please post whenever and whatever you are ready to.  It takes a lot of time to heal and you do not have to do it alone.

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stewartsmom I am so sorry you lost your boy and that he was unidentified for a while. I know that must have driven you crazy with worry not being able to get hold of him. And then to get the dreaded news...... that day is the worst ever. Still you persisted and you did find him and he was returned "sleeping" peacefully so you could say goodbye and bury him. It will take a long long time to get to a better place and finding a little acceptance but in time I promise it will happen. You just gotta suffer through for now and that really sucks I know. There will be good and bad days and things that trigger you, some weeping times and some numb uncaring of the world times. I was a bit confused with what you had mentioned. What agenda could others have and why are they abusing and not supporting you? men and women grieve differently so it is not unusual for you to feel some distance from your husband, that is why counselling can be really useful to help bridge that gap between you. I was a single mum when I lost my eldest son but i had family to help support me. Take care

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Thank You Tommys Mom..I have my moments all the time.  I keep busy with work etc.  I am sorry for the confusion, its hard to explain really.  All these people have been doing is causing me more grief, starting petty arguements with me, trying to take advantage of me because they think I am weak and vulnerable, which is so far from the truth.  They will not leave me alone, my phone, email etc get bombarded daily by these so called friends, trying to dump all of their problems on me amongst all the other stuff.  I dont mind being sympathetic to those who need it but I do not need other peoples stress in my life. They all claim to "be there for me" when the reality is not one single person has been.  They dont call to ask if I am ok, do I need anything...but they have no problem getting in touch to demand that I drop what I am doing to cater to them,or to start petty arguements, or say horrible things to me that they seem to think is helpful to me, then the influx of guys sending me inappropriate messages like thats supposed to console me?  They are treating me like I just got divorced or something.  Its emotionally draining me on top of grieving my son.  I started therapy again because of all this mental and emotional abuse. One friend starts alot of arguements with me when she is having a bad day with her boyfriend, because she need s me to console her when shes upset.  She actually said I try to "one up" her all the time and how I "one Upped" her with my sons death...who the hell actually says things like that? I did not send my son off on a journey to disappear from us all and to show up dead.  This is also the same friend who told me I should take his money that is in the bag from the medical examiners office and go get my nails done!!!  These people dont get that comments like this are hurtful and disgusting.  They dont see what they are doing to me.  As for my husband, he has been running around all summer living it up on the town with other women instead of being there for me, gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end, I only hear from him now when he is drunk and he starts abusing me via text messages.  Hes another one, basically told me to get over it!!! I have another son to worry about.!!! How the people who claim to care for me so much to say these awful nasty things is beyond me.  My immediate family could care less either, they didnt even come to the funeral, they made all kinds of excuses why they couldnt be there, but they showed up at the cemetery an hour after we buried him and they turned that into a social party, catching up with people they hadnt seen in a long time, laughing, joking, snapping pictures etc.  I am furious about the whole thing to be honest.They also have not even bothered to contact me at all just to ask how I am doing,they only live two minutes away from me!!! Its been awful but I dont need any of them!!!

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Stewarts Mom, my heart grieves for you. I don't know what to say. My daughter was recently lost too, so I feel helpless in knowing what to say to comfort you. I just wanted you to know that you are heard and that there are people who do care. 

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My girl is in heaven

Stewart’s mom.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear boy.  I am 7 years in of losing my daughter and I struggled too for years at the disrespectful, cruel, and nasty comments that people would say to me.  I mean I would think surely to goodness people have to show even the basic of compassion to a parent who had lost a child.  Right? And you would think your life long friends and family are just a given.   But sadly that does not usually happen. One day I said to myself, where did everybody go?  Then I realized they all went back to the day before I lost my child and kept right on going with thier lives.  All the, I’m so sorry for you, I’ll give you a call sometime,  all they were really thinking was .” Phew, glad that wasn’t my kid”.  I spent years letting this people hurt me again and again. But I don’t now.  Cut them loose my friend, they are showing thier true colours and never were real friends.  As someone else mentioned, go to loss of an adult child, then put in the last page number, and join us, that is where a bunch of us gather. We will hold you up, you do not have to work this journey alone.  Hope to see you there

Lou.....Kira’s mama

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I am glad I joined this group,you have all been really wonderful to me .  I hope you found your daughter My my.  Lou I have to say, you summed that up perfectly!!! You are right!! They are thinking they are glad its not their kid. Thank you all so much for the kind words, its made me smile  

 

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