Princess.

[Remember. Princess]

Hello to whoever reads this.

I write today to try and seek advice or possibly guidance on how to cope with the loss of a fur baby. Yesterday was by far one of the hardest days of my life and my family. We lost our 15 year old Chihuahua, Princess. It was the most devastating news I could have heard. I mean, my family and I knew it was going to happen eventually,  but we had no idea it would have happened so soon. She was a happy dog, and for myself, I feel as though she helped me get through some of my darkest moments in life. Always comforting me when I needed her the most. I don't know how to explain the feeling I have. I've lost loved ones before, but for whatever reason, this pain I feel over the loss of Princess is different,  my heart genuinely feels hurt and broken. It was like one minute she is happy to see me and rolling around getting attention from me, and the next day I get a phone call saying she's gone. I know she had a great life, and made ours even better growing up and even now. I guess it's just the little things about her I'll miss, the way she scratched on my door to let her in so she can get some cuddles when she was cold, the way she would get so excited when she hadn't seen me in a few days and would scratch my legs so that I could pick her up, the way she would put her little head on my shoulder, how happy she would get when we would sing her the little songs we would make up for her. It's just so hard going through this because never have I ever gone through soo much with an animal and her never leaving my side, like when my family and I lost our home and had to separate, the first little face I would see was hers when my mom would pick me and my siblings up. All I know is that dealing with the fact that I won't be able to hug her, cuddle her, pet her soft fur, or sing her those silly little songs we made up for her again, is really tearing my heart up inside. 

I just want to know what I can do to help this hurt a bit less... because I really feel like a part of me has gone away with her.

[JellyBean04]

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I lost my 15 year old cat recently, and like you I knew it was going to happen eventually, but when it happened it felt sudden. She had been there with me through some really tough times and I didn't know what to do without her in my life, she was always there. I feel for what you're going through right now, it is such a horrible, sad time.

3 hours ago, Remember. Princess said:

 I really feel like a part of me has gone away with her.

I feel this way about my old girl too. All I can say is allow yourself to grieve and feel sad right now,  it's a huge loss. It is very early for you and the pain of the loss is very raw. It may not seem like it now, but it does eventually start to get a little bit easier, it still hurts very much, but it gets a little easier to cope with.

This forum will also help you get through this difficult time,  it has helped me a lot.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I know the pain all too well and agree that loss of pet is one of the hardest losses one can endure, especially for ones such as us that totally love our pets and are so close to them.  15 years is a very long life for a dog, the oldest dog I ever had, a lab and my first dog, lived to 15, but I know that's no consolation because no matter how long they live, it's never enough as far as we're concerned.

There's no way to speed through the grief process, it just hurts so much and no way to circumvent it...trust me, if there was a way, I would have found it by now.  But I assure you the pain will lessen to something you can better handle once you've had time to do some adjusting.  Right now all of the daily interactions you used to have with her are missing and that acts as a reminder to you that she's gone, it's a huge trigger.  In time you will no longer expect to see her come through the door or to feed her at that time of day.  In a way even that feels hard as we feel bad even adjusting!  Be that as it may, take any respite you can get, we can't stay in prolonged grief too long, it's too hard for us.  Give yourself permission to smile when it comes, it may take a while, but when it happens, do not feel guilty...we need any and all smiles we can get.  It is part of our normal process of adjusting to loss in our lives.

Keep coming here, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard and understood.  I've lost my husband, parents, my sister, a niece and nephew, lots of friends, lots of pets...my hardest was my husband, but next to that, my pets.  The ones I have right now are elderly and I know I haven't a long time with them, my dog is super large and nearly 11, he's already past his life span, my cat is 23 and I think she's on her 12th life out of 9.  I've had many dogs over my lifetimes, some very wonderful ones, but I'm closest to the one I now have, I have no idea how I'm going to handle losing him when the time comes, but much like I had to with my husband I imagine.

I wrote this article based on my grief journey following the loss of my husband 13 years ago.  Some of the same things that applied to loss of husband can apply to loss of pet. I hope you can get something out of it that can help you.  
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[CiCi]

So sorry for your loss and your pain. I lost my baby (chihuahua) just over 4 months ago and I am still in so much pain. I miss her each and every day. The best we can do, at this point, is to baby step through each day, one day at a time. The pain will eventually not be so raw as it is right now, but it is going to take time for the hurt to resolve. How long it will take is unique to each of us. It is best to go through your grieving process and not hold it in. I look at photos of my baby, every day. I thought about volunteering at a local animal shelter, thinking it would help me...but I decided against it. I would have loved to gone to the shelter and show some of those poor animals love that they may have been missing, but I didn't want to get attached to them. I am not ready, yet. I know your pain well and I wish you the very best as you try to move on. It's hard, but I know eventually I will get there...you will, too.

[Remember. Princess]

Thank you very much,  it is extremely hard,  especially because I've never lost an animal so close to me.  I was 11 when we found her.  My mom just got her ashes today.  I've also been avoiding going over to my mom's house because I'm not quite ready to see a house so about empty without her. I'm especially not ready to see my mom's 2 other pets in their sadness.  We have Princess' daughter and another Chihuahua we took in before my grandma passed away in 2012, and my brother tells me how sad they are because they know she is gone. My heart couldn't take seeing them walking around looking for her like they did the first night.  And I try not to hold it in,  but if I sit there and think about, I will sit there and cry for hours. 

[Remember. Princess]

On 10/11/2018 at 1:34 AM, JellyBean04 said:

It may not seem like it now, but it does eventually start to get a little bit easier, it still hurts very much, but it gets a little easier to cope with.

 

Thank you very much,  and I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your baby as well.  My sadness deepened especially because I didn't understand death in a pet, I had so many questions,  like if I would again see my fur baby again in the next life.  And then my mom sent me a poem called, "The Rainbow Bridge", and it was very, very difficult and emotional to read,  it helped with my questions. 

[Remember. Princess]

On 10/11/2018 at 7:31 AM, KayC said:

 

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you very much. It's a little weird for me to imagine not expecting her to run to me the way she did one day.  And it's true,  I should allow a smile when it comes,  that's one thing I've noticed is difficult for me,  it's almost as though I feel very guilty even laughing at a joke, because I'm mourning. I feel guilty when I show love to my boyfriend's dog. I've even caught myself crying as I hold his dog to feel like I'm holding my Princess. Even the day after her passing, my boyfriend's dog was laying next to me while I was asleep,  and he let out a bark and I immediately woke up calling her name.  It was soul shattering. 

[KayC]

I hope his dog brings you comfort and consolation, as only an animal seems to be able to.  It's very hard to get through this grief, the pain is like no other.