Now what?

[finsfan]

We just put down our 14 year dog and it was so incredibly difficult. i'm having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with this loss. People sometimes say "our dog was like family" or "part of the family". But for us she actually was family. Our 3 kids are old enough that they don't need us to help them with most daily tasks, but Crystal was part of our entire day - morning walks, treats, saying goodbye when leaving for work, saying hello when getting home...you get the idea. She was our 4th child.

She was deteriorating slowly but steadily for the last few months, mostly due to a vestibular issue. Then a few days ago she had a really bad episode or possibly even a stroke and we had to make the decision, without warning or preparation, within minutes. That alone was one of the most difficult moments I've ever experienced.

Fortunately, we had time to gather the family and spend a few hours with her, but she really wasn't herself so basically it just served as time for us to make peace and say goodbye. And the vet was so helpful and understanding.

But having to make that ultimate decision - on a moments notice - is just heartbreaking. Then being there as she passed, leaning against my body, her head in my hands - on the one hand I'm so thankful I was the one to help her move to a better place. But here it is the 5th day and I'm crying more than ever. She needed us to make that decision - seeing her in distress leaves no doubt. Yet that doesn't diminish the pain and sadness at all.

I'm usually the "strong one" at funerals, as I see death as part of the circle of life. So while I get sad, I can deal with it well. But this was different (we had to put down another dog years ago, but we saw that coming for weeks, so it was different). This time I had to help make the decision..quickly...and be there to hold on as my little girl left us. I'm not ready to let her go. But I know this wasn't about me.

How do I make peace with this? How do I find a way to see all the good times she brought to us? Will it happen over time? Or will I always feel that I somehow let her down? And will I always feel sad that I didn't get time to enjoy her before the last episode - even for a day - and say goodbye while she was coherent?
 

[Beatriz]

I am sorry, this is the saddest news. Here you do not have to explain how Crystal is a member of your family, who happens to be a dog. I know how special a member of a family a dog can be and how we cannot help but deeply love them. I have always thought of my cats as my happiest experience of motherhood ever - my sister says that when we lose them it hurts even more because from them we have only received unconditional love, acceptance, loyalty and their presence in our lives was a solace, a constant source of joy and peace. It does hurt that much, I know. You will definitely  quote find a way to see all the good times she brought unquote and focus on that once the pain subsides a bit - it will over time. I am not sure about making peace with it ( I have not so far) but I hope you do. I pray you will soon realize that you did not let her down in the least but acted having only her best interest at heart. And I think we all feel sad that we did not get more time with them. Even one more day, or a few hours, I’d beg for those and I did. My heart goes out to you - you are not alone in experiencing this excruciating pain, we are here for you. 

[finsfan]

Beatriz, thanks so much, just feeling like I am not alone is very helpful!

 

[KayC]

finsfan,

It's the hardest thing in the world.  They ARE family to us, those of us here get it.  No matter how much time we get with them, it's never enough and we always regret we didn't have more or wish we hadn't had to go to work and leave them, etc.  We gave them our best and they well deserved it and she knew you loved her, just as she loved you.  I totally believe we'll be with them again and I hope that thought sustains you.

[JellyBean04]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had to make a similar decision almost 3 weeks ago with my elderly cat. It can happen so quickly in the end, before you're ready. Even though you had the chance to say goodbye, it wasn't in the right moment, as was in my case also. It is so heartbreaking.

I believe that in time it will become easier. We had a dog who was so much part of our family, everyone, even visitors treated him as such. It almost felt like he was my little brother. He was beautiful. He would sit in the chair and I would sit on the floor. We lost him in 2008 and it still does hurt, I still cry for him, but I am mostly able to remember all of the good times we had.

You're not alone here.

And as to how you make peace? I don't know, but you loved Crystal and you showed her that for 14 years, you took care of her and was there for her.

I hope you're doing okay.

[finsfan]

Thanks to you all for taking the time to post your kind words. Just posting this and hearing your replies has helped me feel better, knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this, and that it is ok to feel so sad. Not everyone understands, but it feels nice to be part of a community that is so helpful and understanding. Thanks again

[KayC]

20 hours ago, finsfan said:

Not everyone understands

You're right, that's why pet loss is often referred to as disenfranchised grief (or the grief society doesn't seem to recognize).
 

[AJWCat]

So sorry to read of your loss.  Our cat was totally our child too and we were heartbroken. You will find peace and understanding and acceptance, it just takes time.