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loveofmylife

Loss of my lovely husband

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loveofmylife

I lost my husband in the last month.  He was someone I have known for a long time, almost half my life.  We have been together for a little over 10 years.  We are still young though in our 30's with a small child.  We had an argument the day before.  I was not kind.  I was still angry the next day, but told him we needed to go to counseling.  He had been depressed, but previously had said he was feeling better and he actually seemed to be doing better.  He said we would go to counseling and he would call around to help us find someone, but he didn't.  He killed himself instead.  His note just says its not my fault and it is the hardest thing he will ever do to leave us, but he needs to leave us. I feel so awful we argued. We really almost never argued, not that we didn't disagree sometimes, but it was rare for a full blown argument to happen.  I was very upset and imagined this would be something we would always look back on as a hard time during our marriage, but I could not believe this would happen.  I knew something was up when I  couldn't get ahold of him, it was so unlike him, but I told myself I was being paranoid.  I worry about everything.  Well, this time I was right to worry.  

He was such a wonderful father.  My dad wasn't the best and I have a very complicated relationship with him.  I was so happy my child would have a loving father and grow up in a family where we the parents loved one another.  My husband had always been my crush and even though the time after having our baby was hard and busy I just figured we would get back to being in love and having the focus back on our relationship again.  I had for months not been able to figure out what was going on with him when I finally got it out of him he was depressed.  He was always quiet by nature, but I too am introverted and have over the years wanted to be respectful of that because I am a quiet person and I get it.  He said he was feeling better and I believed him. If I would have known he wasn't I wouldn't have argued with him.  We were having an argument when I found out he was depressed too and that time I told him we would focus on getting him better.  

I am so terribly sad that he is gone and my child won't have a wonderful father.  Our child is too little to be able to know the loving relationship that we had.  I know he thought he had really messed things up with our relationship and I have tremendous guilt about how this contributed to his death.  I know it still does not make any sense that he killed himself rather than we went to counseling, but I still feel terrible.  I wish so many things.  We slept apart the night before he killed himself and that night I went down and woke him up and I almost told him to just come upstairs because I actually couldn't sleep, I missed him and was so close to asking him to come upstairs.  But he was sleepy when he woke up and he didn't seem to fully wake up, he went right back to bed and I figured - he can sleep downstairs for one night.  I wish now so desperately I would have told him why I came down and that the reality was I couldn't sleep without him upstairs and I missed him and I was sorry we argued and even though I was so mad I still loved him like crazy.  

I am of course heartbroken. I do everything alone now.  I have started seeing someone to talk about this tragedy and maybe in a while I will feel like it is helping.  I went back to work very recently and it has been tough.  I feel like the world has become a dark place and nothing will ever be good again.  I don't want to plan anything because my husband and I had so many plans and they are all gone now.  We were going to start trying for another baby soon, but I had wanted to make sure he was really feeling better.  I didn't want another baby to stress him out more or make things worse.  Since he was feeling better we were planning on trying very soon, right about now.  Our house with rooms for other children is so empty.  I cry when I go in the room where we put all the baby clothes.  A couple of months ago we packed up all of our baby's clothes and I organized them by age so the smallest were on top so we could use them again.  We put them in the future baby's closet.  I go in that room and open the closet door and I just cry and cry while I look at all those tiny baby clothes I won't be using.  

I do feel blessed we had one child.  Our child kisses his pictures and so do I.  I call out his name.  I look at the door praying he will walk through it.  I imagine all the what ifs and possibilities.  I think of all the things we won't do.  I have a lot of cards from him and they all talk about us growing old together and sharing the rest of our lives together.  I had no idea that the rest of our life together would be so short!  I visit his grave and put flowers on it.  I cry a lot.  I hurt a lot.  I feel the loss of his love.  I had someone who loved me and understood me, but now I don't.  I had a best friend, but now I don't. People tell me I am young still and I have the rest of my life and my life doesn't have to be over too.  I hate hearing that.   I get that I am still young, but people don't understand I had everything I wanted.  I picked to marry my husband and he was the crush I had in my youth and I married him.  It was lovely.  We were extremely happy for the majority of the time we were married.  We had a few bumps, but that is marriage.  My husband fell into this hole called depression.  I cannot believe this has happened.  I cannot believe we argued and it ended on such a bad note.  I cannot take back the things I said and I feel awful, I feel extra bad that I was so close to doing just that, taking it all back.  I drive myself crazy thinking he would still be here if I had done just that.  The worst part for me is I had fully planned on just telling him I loved him and while I still thought we should go to counseling, I was going to just tell him I loved him.  I was ready to do that the following day, but I could not get in touch with him when I wanted to tell him.  I am filled with regret and just feel empty from the loss.  It seems like nothing can ever be good again. As the weeks go by I am not feeling any better. I am just living day to day and missing him.

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KalB

My heart bleeds for you.  I am so sorry to read about your loss.  I just happened upon your post (I'm under Loss of a Partner).  My situation is a little different than yours but there are some similarities and that's why I'm reaching out to you.  My husband was abusive throughout our 11 years together.  The physical abuse had been getting worse and one night (almost six months ago) we got into an argument.  He hurt me so badly (physically) I honestly thought I was going to die that night.  I have never been so frightened of anything in my life.  I got away from him and he slept in another bedroom for the next two nights.  On Friday we were supposed to drive together to do some shopping but we got into a major fight again because I just couldn't let it all go.  He turned the truck around and drove about 100 miles per hour back to our house.  I calmed down and told him I was still going to go shopping without him.  So I left for a good part of the day and on the way home, I just cried out, "Lord Jesus please save me!"  I've never really prayed to Jesus (usually just God) but that particular day I cried out "Jesus" and told Him I was so scared of my husband but that I would/could never leave him and I knew he was never going to leave me.  I surrendered my fate - my LIFE - that day, knowing that the next time I got beat up was probably going to be my last day on this earth.  After I got home my husband and I spoke a few words, kind of "made up," and I laid next to him as usual that night in our bed.  The next day he had an errand to run and he drove his motorcycle.  I tried to talk him out of running this errand the night before, as well as that morning, but my husband insisted on going and taking his bike.  I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and to drive safely.  Less than an hour later I found out he had crashed his motorcycle.  Long story short:  he died later that afternoon at the hospital.

Like you, I was so overcome with guilt because it was just the day before that I prayed to Jesus to save me from my wretched and dangerous situation and then the next day my husband dies!  Like you, my husband's death was unexpected so we had a lot of unfinished business, a lot of making up to do, a lot of forgiveness that was needed, etc.  My husband, like yours, was also majorly depressed but he wouldn't get help.  After his death people asked me if he may have crashed his bike on purpose . . . we'll never know.  It all appeared to be the result of an accident, but my husband had been riding motorcycles since he was eight years old and he had been in numerous crashes before and survived them all.  His death was the most painful experience I've ever had in my life, even more so than the beatings.

It took me months to work through the fact that it was not my fault, it was not my prayer to Jesus, that caused my husband's death. Fortunately we never had children together (he had two adult children from a previous marriage) but you have a beautiful child you must care for now.  How blessed you are to have that special baby of yours (I was unable to have children of my own).  Please try to find some comfort in knowing that depression is a mental illness and affects so many people.  I know you wanted to try to help him and save him but it's really up to each one of us to save ourselves.  My abusive husband had SO many issues dating way back to his childhood.  I tried for 11 years to save him because, despite the abuse, I still loved him!  I was really caught in a mess, as most abused women are.  

I believe you're on the right path by sharing your experience with someone.  It's really crucial to process your feelings (so many feelings!) over your loss, especially when it's from a suicide. I am seeing a therapist and I found this forum less than a week ago.  There are a lot of supportive people here that have gone through similar experiences and so far we're all still breathing.  We are here to support you and I found by reading other people's stories I could relate to their experiences and try to help them as they are helping me.  I'm also going to seek out a support group in my local area.  Perhaps this is an option for you, as well.

You're on a difficult journey but you will survive.  My dad died in a plane crash when I was four years old and my mom had to take care of my sister and me (this was in the 60's).  It was very difficult for her but she made it through and you will, too.  Surround yourself with people who love you, support you and whom you trust, and just know you'll always have a special part of your husband within your beautiful child.  And I believe that someday you will find love again.

My prayers are with you.

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loveofmylife

Thank you for your comments KalB.  I appreciate knowing someone else is out there and believes in me.  I find myself looking out my windows now that it is dark and looking in on the families in the houses surrounding me.  My heart is broken.  I just want my husband back.  I just want to see his smile and hear him laugh or see him turn to me in bed and look into his eyes.  People keep telling me to stay positive.  I am not trying to be negative, but I am not ready to be positive yet.  I don't even feel right in my home anymore because it is just not home without him.  I always felt safe with him and loved and right where I was supposed to be.  I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin because this life does not feel like mine.  I just don't know what to do.  I cannot seem to accept his death.  I have no peace in my heart right now.      

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KalB

Right now it's too difficult (and an unrealistic expectation really) for you to stay positive because your grief is so heavy.  People around us mean well by trying to encourage you but if they haven't experienced a loss such as you have they have no idea what you're going through and the journey you need to take now.  It's been almost six months since my husband died and I finally got to the point where I needed to find a support system of others who have experienced what I have, which is why this forum is really important and again, maybe there's a grief support group where you live that focuses on loss from suicide, sudden death, etc.  Griefshare.org has some wonderful resources and there's a website called meetup.com, which has lots of different types of groups including people who are grieving a loss.

My own grief journey as been the epitomy of hell.  I've never cried or screamed or had so much anger at something in my entire life.  You have to allow yourself to do that, to feel all those horrible feelings.  I think it's important to let them flow through you and get them out.  Your life does not feel like yours right now because half of you is missing, right?!  I literally felt like my husband took half of my heart with him when he died.  It hurt just to breathe - for months - and some days it still does!  You just have to go THROUGH it and not worry about other people's expectations of you to be positive right now.  I couldn't be positive about anything at first so I focused instead on being grateful . . . grateful that I still had a home, that I had my family to help support me, that I had the financial means to pay for everything, that I woke up every day, etc., - anything and every little thing I could think of to be grateful for.

Here is an article I found recently that really helped me a lot:  https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/08/5-ways-to-get-your-life-back-after-trauma-ptsd-partner/.  Also, since my husband and I had a lot of "unfinished business" I read a LOT about what happened to him (and all of us) after he died.  It really helped me gain a greater understanding of why he "left" me that fateful day and why really all of us are here on this planet.  I needed to understand that since I survived this NOW WHAT?  WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE?, because I just wanted to die myself after my husband died.  Once I saw and understood the greater picture I could at least accept my husband's death but the grief?  STILL HERE!  This is truly a process and one that you just need to move through, day by day, sometimes minute by minute. We are here for you.

Again, my prayers go out to you and everyone who is suffering.  We will survive this, that I know for sure.  May you find some peace and gratitude in your day today:)

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Miss♥Freddy
On 10/3/2018 at 5:10 AM, loveofmylife said:

My husband fell into this hole called depression.  I cannot believe this has happened.  I cannot believe we argued and it ended on such a bad note.  I cannot take back the things I said and I feel awful, I feel extra bad that I was so close to doing just that, taking it all back.  I drive myself crazy thinking he would still be here if I had done just that.  The worst part for me is I had fully planned on just telling him I loved him and while I still thought we should go to counseling, I was going to just tell him I loved him.  I was ready to do that the following day, but I could not get in touch with him when I wanted to tell him.  I am filled with regret and just feel empty from the loss.  It seems like nothing can ever be good again. As the weeks go by I am not feeling any better. I am just living day to day and missing him.

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are going through and experiencing. I too lost my partner to suicide in May; he had only turned 37 a few months before. We had an ongoing argument that escalated and many horrible words were exchanged back and forth. Never in my life did I imagine that I'd wake up one day and he'd be gone, and worse with us on a bad note... without me being able to put it right...without me being able to tell him that I still love him, without me being able to tell him how much he meant the world to me.

It's taken me a while to accept but I do know now that if my partner were still alive, we'd have made up because we always did. We argued a lot but each time we found a way to forgive each other because we loved each other, and that is why we lasted as long as near 6 1/2 years. I also do believe that wherever he is now, that he knows how much I still love him.

I hope it brings you a little comfort to know that no relationship is perfect, all couples argue and every relationship has its ups and downs but you survived 10 years with your husband; the love that you shared for each other carried throughout your marriage, 10 years of marriage is a strong bond. A few arguments compared to a lifetime of joy that you shared together wouldn't have put a doubt in your husband's mind of the love that you carried for him.

It's very rare for someone in a relationship to argue with their partner and think in their mind that tomorrow that that person they love will no longer be around, if we knew what tomorrow would bring, we would never have argued with them right? We'd have held them tightly instead and told them how much we loved them. The reality is, we can't predict what the future holds, that is why you cannot blame yourself or keep your heart filled with regret. I know it's easier said than done because I still feel the regret in my heart at times but you have to find a way to stay strong dealing with the grief, as the different emotions will come in waves and be like a continuous whirlwind.

Suicide is awkward compared to other deaths and can be enormously difficult for anyone to deal with. We can't blame our partners, so naturally we put the blame and regret on ourselves. When you lose someone to suicide it is normal to feel intense guilt being caught up in dwelling on what you could/should have done differently but the tragedy is that your partner suffered from depression, an illness that isn't always curable, one that we cannot always fully comprehend as the issue goes deeper than we realise. If you, me or anyone else could have prevented our loved ones from suicide, I am sure we would have jumped the chance to save them but even with them showing the mildest signs to the strongest signs, we can't always prevent the outcome. We can't always save them, even though we feel we could/should have.

I know you miss him and it's hard to stomach and to accept that your husband has gone; it may take a while for the shock to settle down even. Sometimes, its still a shock for me, to say that life is hell since my partner died is an understatement. Even after 5 months, I am still sad, miss him so much and my heart hurts. Grief is a lonely business but I have to try and stay strong for my family, as you need too. Do take things slowly right now and be patient with your journey of healing, though the hole in your heart will always be there, the pain will eventually lessen over time but only because you learn and adapt with how to survive it. Take care of yourself in the meantime and know you're not alone though your grief. 

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loveofmylife

Time is passing very slowly and almost meaninglessly to me.  I am starting to have problems sleeping.  I had a few days where things were very busy and my child was sick and now it is like the grief is catching up with me.  I am feeling paralyzed again and terrified of the future, which seems so bleak without my husband.  I miss him so much it feels like this is breaking me.  I am still going to work, but I feel broken and I just try not think about what happened.  Whenever I do think about it during the day I just cry.  I am so devastated and I miss him so much I can't move.  I am just going through the motions trying to hang on.  I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I just cannot bring myself to be thankful or grateful.  I am so lost without my husband.  I miss him and I miss our love.  It really does feel like a part of me died with him.   

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KalB

A part of you DID die when your husband died.  I swear I lost half of my heart when Ed died.  I think that's why I almost died myself of a heart attack.  We will always miss our loved ones - forever.  What's difficult for me is the loss of not only my husband but what I THOUGHT we were going to have and do together.  He left me too soon, but then again, because my situation was different due to the abuse, I do believe he "left" me just in time.  He was spinning out of control and it had become too dangerous for me.  So if I choose to believe everything happens for a reason it provides a little reassurance and comfort but yet I still miss him because my love for him was real.  The love between your husband and you was real, too, and you're going to miss him for a long time.  I'm so sorry.  Hang in there and when it gets really tough just remember to keep breathing.  Many times throughout my day I literally have to stop and take several deep breaths and just let the pain flow through me.  I know if I don't it's going to get buried somewhere inside of me and that will ultimately make me sick.  Just keep breathing and taking the best care of yourself that you can.  Time won't completely heal our wounds but it will help.

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loveofmylife

It has been about three months since he died.  I have recently reached out to one of his friends that I did not know to learn more about him.  it was nice.  I will be getting together with his close friends and their partners soon.  I am still utterly heartbroken.  Thankfully I do not feel like I am in physical pain every second of every day anymore, but it is not loads better.  I still have terrible panic stricken moments, but I suppose I have accepted that is pretty much how it goes.  I miss him terribly and think of him all the time.  I cry on my drive to work and on my way home from work every day.  I used to hate the drive and I don't particularly like it, but at least it affords me time to cry and sob.  I still cannot really believe this has happened.  It is so hard to accept.  My baby thankfully knows who "Dada" is still and points to him in pictures when I ask.  We look at his pictures all the time.  I put one above the crib.  My life still has a horrible cloud over it, I really hope one day I don't feel this way.  I suppose this is as good as it gets for now.  I am feeling terribly lonely and wish we could go out on a date.  I feel like I am starved for his attention.  I can't believe I have to be alone like this.  There is not much that can be done though because I don't want to meet someone else.  This road we are on is a long one.  

 

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