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ColIeen

I lost my boyfriend to suicide

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ColIeen

I'm new to this site but I guess I'm looking for ways to get through this and maybe hear how other people go through similar situations.

I lost my boyfriend to suicide at the beginning of this month. I knew he suffered from mental health conditions and he had told me he had attempted to take his life in the past. This was very hard for him to do as only his family knew and he had not shared this information with any of his friends, even those he called best friends. I was with him for a year and a half. I know this seems like a very short time but at 22 this was my first serious relationship, I grew to love him very quickly and he became my best friend over this period of time and supported me throughout this time. My boyfriend left two letters and one of them was addressed to me. This letter sometimes provides a bit of comfort for me but it brings me back to reality when I read it and my emotions and pain feel raw again. I find myself having to distract myself constantly or pretend like this hasn't happened to get through the day, but nights are the hardest - I often end up crying to sleep at night.  Everyone keeps telling me at least I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me and I know they mean to be helpful but this upsets me knowing how many moments I've missed out on with my boyfriend - also I'm not sure if it's still appropriate to refer to him as this but I'm nowhere near ready to let him go and continue to refer to him as my boyfriend still and have still kept this as my relationship status on facebook.

I try to stay strong for my family and try not to cry but I do find myself breaking down a lot particularly when I have to tell someone what happened for the first time. I've started counselling to try and help myself but I know I will continue to grieve for some time as this is all so recent. 

I've recently returned to university for a postgraduate degree in an attempt to give myself a better routine and something else to focus on but I find simple things difficult lately like questions asking how I am or how my summer was. I don't like to answers these with it went well but also don't feel like sharing this information with strangers and acquaintances is appropriate as it's difficult enough telling friends what has happened.

I don't really know how this site fully works yet but I guess I just at least want to write a bit about this and hope that it helps me feel a bit better again tonight - Fridays are always hard for me as they were are date night we made sure we had during busy periods like examination times.

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Miss♥Freddy

Dear Colleen,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know he was your everything, your best friend and the man you wanted to share your life with and losing someone you love and care for so much to suicide feels like an amputation and a shot to the heart. I remember every detail to this day from when I first heard the news of losing my partner and it’s hard to describe the emotions that came up.

You must be feeling devastated and shocked right now and I know the grief and sorrow that you feel must be overwhelming. I am still dealing with the grief 5 months down the line from losing my partner and it comes in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. It could be something small like a song that I hear on the radio, or a program that I see on TV and it triggers of every emotion in me from feeling angry at him to angry at myself from feeling broken inside to confused, from wanting to scream out loud to breaking down in tears. 

My partner too had a documented history of depression, but one that was well kept hidden by him. Depression is a very deep pit and one that can be hard to get out off. My partner would take himself off from time to time and not explain the reason why, but I know now that each time he went off it was because he had thoughts to end it all. I could never have imagined in a million years that his depression was so severe that he would take his own life. He left me a letter too but I have a hard time reading it, as I break down in tears when I do.

I don't have any words that'll make this any better but the emotions that you are feeling, the ones that are coming, let them. Allow them to run their course. In the beginning I tried to block it all out, but eventually the shock wears off and you still have to face up to what has happened: blocking it out will only make it harder to deal with in the long run.

I still refer to my boyfriend as 'my partner', once you lose your loved one, I don't think there is a window open to care for what's appropriate on how to label them. Do what makes you feel good and if it makes you feel better to call him your boyfriend, do it and don't worry for what others may think of it. I personally keep a journal as odd as it might seem to others, where I write to my partner. It enables me to express my emotions where I find it difficult to do with family members and with friends. Unless family members or friends have lost someone they loved to suicide, it can be hard for them to understand or comprehend your feelings. They try to offer support but 'they don't fully get it' and sometimes they don't understand that you just need space to be left alone to deal with the emotions.

I think it's good that you're seeing a counsellor, talking openly about your emotions with them can be quite beneficial. Stick with university, keep yourself busy, but don't burn yourself out. You need to take things slowly right now, be patient and take it a day at a time so that you can find your own path on this journey of healing. Try to avoid making major decisions whilst you're still grieving and stay strong x

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ColIeen

Thank you ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It truly is like a different kind of pain there's an emptiness too not having your partner here especially for big moments in life.  It's nearly an indescribable pain and it's awful how many people have to go through this pain. 

I know I can feel myself blocking it out a lot of the time especially at the beginning to try and cope with normal life but I've started to embrace my emotions a bit more lately the counselling sessions take a bit of a weight off me,  it takes away this heavy feeling in my head. 

That's good to know others still refer to their lost partners as partner or boyfriend etc. I have some family who have lost partners at a young age which can help them relate to some aspects of what I'm going through but I definitely feel speaking with my counseller is the most helpful at the moment for me. 

Yes. University is working for me still at the moment even if there's some days I'd rather not get out of bed I know it'll be better for my health in the long run to keep going but to know I can walk away or leave for the day if it gets too much.  Try to stay strong yourself. ❤️

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Miss♥Freddy
On 10/3/2018 at 10:53 PM, ColIeen said:

Thank you ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It truly is like a different kind of pain there's an emptiness too not having your partner here especially for big moments in life.  It's nearly an indescribable pain and it's awful how many people have to go through this pain. 

I know I can feel myself blocking it out a lot of the time especially at the beginning to try and cope with normal life but I've started to embrace my emotions a bit more lately the counselling sessions take a bit of a weight off me,  it takes away this heavy feeling in my head. 

That's good to know others still refer to their lost partners as partner or boyfriend etc. I have some family who have lost partners at a young age which can help them relate to some aspects of what I'm going through but I definitely feel speaking with my counseller is the most helpful at the moment for me. 

Yes. University is working for me still at the moment even if there's some days I'd rather not get out of bed I know it'll be better for my health in the long run to keep going but to know I can walk away or leave for the day if it gets too much.  Try to stay strong yourself. ❤️

It's okay Colleen ❤️ I am trying to stay strong also :blush2: some days you may find yourself angry, confused, and some days you may spend the whole day crying and asking why. I just hope that wherever your boyfriend is now, that he is happy and free from his sadness, depression, anxiety and that his soul is at peace.

I know that you're hurting but take assurance that your pain will ease with time and it will become a bit easier to cope with. Focus on the happier moments that you both shared (Even when the happier moments bring us down at times because we miss them) and try to live your life to the fullest even with your broken heart and in time when you feel stronger and are ready, find a way to honour his memory by reaching for your goals, I think your boyfriend would want you to pursue your dreams.

And know that you are not alone on this journey, if you ever need to talk, rant, scream or express any feelings of how you feel, feel free to do it on here, there's always someone on here that relates to our pain, loss and grief xx

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ColIeen
On 10/5/2018 at 9:54 PM, Miss♥Freddy said:

It's okay Colleen ❤️ I am trying to stay strong also :blush2: some days you may find yourself angry, confused, and some days you may spend the whole day crying and asking why. I just hope that wherever your boyfriend is now, that he is happy and free from his sadness, depression, anxiety and that his soul is at peace.

I know that you're hurting but take assurance that your pain will ease with time and it will become a bit easier to cope with. Focus on the happier moments that you both shared (Even when the happier moments bring us down at times because we miss them) and try to live your life to the fullest even with your broken heart and in time when you feel stronger and are ready, find a way to honour his memory by reaching for your goals, I think your boyfriend would want you to pursue your dreams.

And know that you are not alone on this journey, if you ever need to talk, rant, scream or express any feelings of how you feel, feel free to do it on here, there's always someone on here that relates to our pain, loss and grief xx

I hope the same for your partner, I hope their mind is at peace now and that that does bring you some form of comfort--at least sometimes. 

I know he would, he did write for me to keep going with my dreams. It's sometimes difficult imagining achieving those dreams without him by my side but I know that I'll have to keep going for my own sake too and push through those tough days. 

Yeah it's sad that people can relate to these circumstances but I think it's lovely people coming together to help eachother through this also  xx

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ColIeen

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I honestly don't know how anyone feels truly okay after losing someone they love so much. But I have learned to deal with my preventing "what ifs" from spiraling out of control and bringing me down.

I try to be happy because I know that's what he'd want but there's not a day goes by where I don't feel the loss of him. I guess I have managed to deal with my grief most days lately but other days I'll fall apart and everything is just too much - I just have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to feel like this but it's also okay to feel happy.

I hope that your grief has gotten a little easier to deal with too although it hasn't even been half a year for you. They do say it gets easier but it's probably more of a rollercoaster of emotions a lot of ups and downs but eventually I'm sure we'll learn to feel the downs a lot less often.

I don't know if you use this account  still but look after yourself, you seem like a lovely person and I'm sure you're loved and valued by many people x

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