Lost my girl and I'm not coping

[JellyBean04]

Five days ago I said goodbye to my girl and I am really not coping very well.

She was over 15, and recently she had lost weight and seemed less energetic.But she was eating and drinking normally. I have never had a cat reach her age before, so I thought that weight loss and less energy was normal for an older cat.

I took her to the vet on Monday, with a urine sample and the results from that showed blood and protein. They seemed to think it could have been hyperthyroidism, but wanted to do blood tests check her kidneys and liver as well. That was booked in for a couple of days later.

Around 2am Tuesday morning I woke up to her vomiting and she had diarrhoea. Later in the morning, she did not want to eat, but was still drinking. But she wasn't using the litterbox. I called the vet back, but was not able to see a vet until later that night. She hadn't urinated all day, wasn't interested in food but was still wanting to drink. She was moving around a bit, but most of the time she seemed a bit out of it. Distant. Deep down I felt like I was losing her, but I didn't want to admit it. I kept telling myself she would be ok.

We were finally able to see the vet later Tuesday night, they said they could put her on fluids and do a blood test but it might only buy her a day, maybe even only a few hours. The vet said the best thing to do was euthanise her. I knew it was coming. Before we left, I said goodbye to her, told her I loved her and that I was sorry.

I thought it was the right decision, but now I don't know. If I had her put on fluids and done the blood test could that have saved her? Did I give up on her too soon?

I have lost pets before, and each has been painful. But this is unbearable. I can't stop crying, I haven't eaten and I've barely slept. I've had her for half of my life and haven't been away from her for more than a week. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I somehow missed the signs that something was wrong. If I had then maybe she would still be here. I feel it's my fault and I let her down.

I also have another cat, but now I am having trouble showing any attention to her. I feed her and pat her, but somehow it makes the pain worse.

I don't know what to do.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, JellyBean04 said:

they said they could put her on fluids and do a blood test but it might only buy her a day, maybe even only a few hours. The vet said the best thing to do was euthanise her.

Go back to this.  We take them to the vet because they are the ones that had the medical training.  They are also the ones that see animals in distress all the time and know what certain signs indicate.  That she wasn't urinating was not a good sign.  She would have ended up in severe pain and suffering had you not euthanized her when you did.

Losing weight is a sign also that they're going downhill.  My King George (cat) did that and he'd been overweight all his life, suddenly he was underweight...turned out he had cancer.  I had him euthanized asap as he was suffering.  I wish I would have a month sooner, he didn't deserve to suffer like he did, but the first vet misdiagnosed him with a sinus infection.  Infected alright, with cancer.

My current cat, Kitty, has lost a lot of weight too and I reckon I haven't a long time left with her, but as yet she doesn't seem in pain and is still eating, still using the litter box, so I'm letting nature take its course (she's 23) unless/until something else presents.

In my opinion, it sounds like you did the kindest thing you could for your cat.  It's just always hard to let go.  And we second guess ourselves, feel guilty, ask all the what ifs, it's part of grief.  We can't spare them, much as we wish we could.

It'll be important to give your remaining cat extra attention, sometimes they grieve too although cats don't always show it, they still can be inwardly.
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Beatriz]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

And we second guess ourselves, feel guilty, ask all the what ifs, it's part of grief.  We can't spare them, much as we wish we could.

Precisely, Kay! And we all go through it, wondering what we could possibly have done to change this dreaded outcome, losing them. I am so sorry for your loss @JellyBean04. When I lost my first cat I thought I could not go through anything worse and yet when it came to my second cat, it was much worse and I only managed to get some control of my crying my soul out because I developed a sinus problem as a consequence and that was painful too. It is devastating. I did not know Kitty was 23 @KayC, what a blessing to have her this long.

[KayC]

7 minutes ago, Beatriz said:

I did not know Kitty was 23 @KayC, what a blessing to have her this long.

I didn't get her until she was 10, she had a very hard life up to that point, abandoned over and over again.  I promised her a forever home.

[JellyBean04]

Thank you for your replies. I'm of two minds right now, I knew and felt that she really was unwell, and the last thing I would want is for her to suffer. In her last couple of days, deep down I feared that it was the end. I guess I will always have doubts about whether I did the right thing, especially when I don't know what happened, and because she had never had any health problems. Except for the beginning of this year when she had a UTI. I'm wondering if that could've been a symptom of something else?

I had 15 years with her and all I can think about is those final days. Her getting sick and ultimately the end.

I can't help randomly bursting into tears. It hurts so much not having her around, and when I'm home there's a constant reminder that there's something missing. And I feel that even when I'm not at home.

I also fear that people think I'm being silly, because "she was just a cat". But she was much more than that. I loved her more than anything.

Although today I found myself thinking about happier times. Like when I bought her a new scratching post earlier this year, put it together and she preferred the box it came in. The thought still made me cry, but it made me smile first. The first time I've genuinely smiled.

 

[Beatriz]

They just love boxes ❤️ Don’t they? She is gorgeous. They say that with time, more of the happy memories surface. But this loss is so devastating that in order to process it our minds seem to need to replay the last moments unending, mine did. It is painful indeed. And we cannot help wondering what else could have been done and how events that led to this end could have been avoided. But you must remind yourself that you gave her your best and that she was healthy and enjoyed the best possible quality of life with you for 15 years. She knows how much you love her, and always will.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, JellyBean04 said:

I also fear that people think I'm being silly, because "she was just a cat". But she was much more than that. I loved her more than anything.

Not everyone recognizes our pet grief, but that is on them, not us.  Try not to concern yourself with what others think, just because they haven't experienced this close relationship with a pet and don't understand pet-loss-grief, that's their ignorance, it doesn't take anything away from YOUR grief and YOUR feelings!  Your grief is very real, your feelings very valid!  You experienced a very close relationship with her and they say our grief equals our love.  Is it any wonder this is hitting you hard?!  I have experienced so many types of loss in my life...the hardest was my husband, the closest to hitting me that hard were my pets.  They are the family members that I lived with, the ones in my life on a day to day basis, the ones I developed the closest relationships with, their love so pure, so unconditional!  Loss of pet doesn't hit us in all the ways loss of husband does (they didn't do half the chores, pay half the bills, talk over our day) BUT they are VERY VERY CLOSE, we derive so much benefit and pleasure from them, their love is so pure, so real!  Don't let anyone talk you out of your grief, or tell you your grief isn't valid!

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201703/my-pet-died-and-i-cant-stop-crying
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-counseling.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/02/pet-loss-disenfranchised-grief.html

[Liz4daze]

Great pic of the cat. It’s adorable and she was beautiful. 

I’m going through the same emotional struggle, we are not alone. 

Hugs

[AJWCat]

So sorry for your loss, reading your story, I can't help but know (objectively) you did the humane thing. You could have prolonged her life but she was not well and cats hide symptoms until they can't any longer... so it is a sure sign she was really ill. That is no quality of life is it? Does not make the pain go away though. But hopefully you can set aside any guilt and allow yourself to really grieve. Be patient with yourself, it is not easy.  

[JellyBean04]

Thanks again for your replies.

I picked up her ashes today on the way to work, and had a bit of a moment while I was driving there. I even went back to my car on my break just so I could sit there with her.

KayC, thanks for the links, they have really helped. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and while I still have guilt over what happened, I know that I did my best for her and made sure she had the best of everything. I would often go without things so that she could have her favourites such as roast lamb and chicken, and as a vegetarian I didn't like preparing them very much!

It has only been 11 days, while I am starting to let go of the guilt I felt over what happened, I now feel guilty for my grief. A couple of family members have said they are worried about me because I'm not talking very much and that I don't feel like eating much. They say I'm worrying them. "Don't worry me like that again" I was told. Now I have that as well. I feel like I have to put on this "happy face". I do when I'm at work and it takes a lot of effort, and when I'm not at work I just can't. It's draining.

I know in time I'll be okay, but in the meantime I need to feel how I feel. I miss her, I had her for over 15 years, I can't get over losing her in a week.

 

[KayC]

Of course you can't, and you should be able to just be without worrying about what someone else thinks.  It's hard enough getting through the work day!  I hope you tell your family what you've said here, that you can't get over her in a week, that's insane to expect!

[Liz4daze]

I am there with you. I picked up my boys ashes today, and I cried and cried holding them on the way home. I even laid down with them for a little bit. He seemed fine, and while there is no point in obsessing over what happened, how, and why, I still am broken and it makes me feel alone. I worry that my family is worried. I hate knowing I am causing my mom stress. He was such a high maintenance dog, and without him I do feel lost - my entire routine has changed. I try to be logical, kidney failure happens to humans too, and takes them quickly without notice... but the seering pain and confusion of having him ripped out of my life burns very deep. I miss him, and I have moments of calm but for the most part I am not myself right now. We just need to do the best we can with what we have and do our best to celebrate our fur babies lives. Honestly it’s easier for me to say than to actually do... 

Your cat was so beautiful, I hope you are taking care of yourself! I’ll try to do the same. <3 

[KayC]

Liz4daze,

Having a high maintenance animal like that means you have more changes to your routine now, which is all the more reminder...it is very hard to get used to their being gone.  I'm glad you have his ashes, but picking them up is very emotional, so final seeming.  Try not to worry about your family's reaction, you have your hands full just making it through the day right now.  (((hugs)))

[AJWCat]

It's so hard. And regarding your relatives, they just don't know what to do or say... maybe remind them at some point by saying, I'm sorry I'm not myself I just need a little more time. I will be okay I just need your understanding. Or say nothing if they "don't get it" as many don't!!

Your loss though you kind of knew was on the horizon, was still sudden. So much changes about our day to day without them.

I guess I was lucky even though my "vacation" was ruined, that I had several weeks to grieve ... and I used them believe me. I was not myself for the first few weeks after. A zombie pretty much not interested in anything. Be patient. I am so sorry for what you are going through it is really sad.  

[JellyBean04]

I am so glad I found this forum, I thought  I was alone in this.

Liz4daze, I am so sorry, in a way it feels good to get their ashes back to feel like you have them back home where they should be, but it’s also so final. It brings everything back. My old girl wasn’t exactly high maintenance, but I always said goodbye to her before I left for work, and  the first I said hello to when I got home, I still do. I am glad that I took a couple of weeks annual leave a few weeks before she died, because I got to spend those couple of weeks home with her. This is really hard, I hope you are taking care of yourself too.

AJWCat, I’ve decided to not say much about it all. I think most people expect me to be “over it” by now. Though they have been giving me my space but occasionally asking if I’m okay. My mum asked me if I was depressed. I paused and said no. Bit of a lie there. But I think they do understand that my old girl was very important to me.

My next worry is that my other cat, Pepper, 10 years old, has a lump on her head, has been there for a little bit and has got bigger. So I have to take her to the vet, and into the room where I lost my old girl. I felt like I was going to vomit when I walked in the building to pick up my girl’s ashes. I don’t know how I’m going to get into that room again, and especially when I expect them to tell me that Pepper has cancer and then I’ll lose them both. I’m petrified.

[KayC]

JellyBean,

Not exactly a lie...grief symptoms can mimic depression symptoms but the cause is different.  If it goes on a really long long time it can change the brain pattern like depression, but it hasn't been that long.  It takes much time to process this and get used to them not being here, although we continue to miss them and feel sad when we think about their absence.

OMG, I'm sorry you have to go back to the same place so soon, that's going to be hard...like when I had to go to the hospital where my husband died, really hard.  I couldn't stop crying!
I hope everything will be okay with Pepper, let us know how she is, okay?  (((hugs)))

[JellyBean04]

Hi KayC, you're right they are similar but different. I had depression 12 years ago, took me a while to become well, which is why I think people were a bit concerned about me. For a moment I was too, but I know this will get easier.  The pain isn't as raw so that's a start. It has helped coming here & being able to talk about it.

I've booked an appointment at the vet for Pepper in two days, I'm worried about going back there & what they will say, but I know it has to be done. A few deep breaths ☺ I will let you know how she goes

[KayC]

JellyBean, it might be a relief to find out what you're dealing with, even if it's hard news, I prefer to know what I'm facing than the unknown, my mind can conjure up the worst imaginable.  I just hope it's something they can do something about.  Do let us know!

[AJWCat]

Crossing my fingers for Pepper as well. I hope you are doing okay. 

[JellyBean04]

Well Pepper is booked in for an operation tomorrow. The vet said it's a strange lump that she'd never seen before, but doesn't seem to be painful and it's probably not harmful, but because it has become bigger it's better to remove it now. I suppose they'll test it to find out what it is.

So that is a bit of relief. However, I'm hesitant to get my hopes up, I did that with my old girl and things turned out extremely bad. I know though I'll feel better once the operation is over & I can bring her home.

[KayC]

We're all sending our hope and prayers for Pepper tomorrow...let us know how she's doing, okay?

[Liz4daze]

Sending good vibes over for Pepper  

[JellyBean04]

It was diffucult to take her there and walk out without her, brought back recent bad memories. I was worried I wouldn't see her again, after being told of the risks of anaesthetic  (though I already knew).

But there's good news about Pepper. Her surgery went well, and the lump was just a cyst, they didn't need to test it. She did have to have dental work, a clean and 3 teeth extracted. So a shaved head, 5 stitches and 3 missing teeth was a good outcome. 

She still has a few side effects from the anaesthetic, but is pretty much back to normal.

 

[KayC]

I am so glad it came out well for her, and the dental work will undoubtedly prolong her life.  So thankful it was just a cyst!

[AJWCat]

Good to hear about Pepper. We all love good news here that is for sure. 

[JellyBean04]

Thanks Kay and AJWCat, it was really a huge relief with Pepper.

I was focused so much on her well-being, I wanted her to get through the op and be okay. Now that's happened, my focus is back on my old girl , Frank. It has been almost 7 weeks since she's been gone. I can't believe it's been that long. I've been looking at her photos, video,  and it's like she's never been away. But I turn around and she's not there.

I've been dreaming of her a lot lately. I can see her walking around playing, but I know she's dead, but she's there like always. It's so real. I don't want to wake up.

Do cats know that they're dying? For the last week or so of My Frank's life, she would sleep right up next to my face, she hadn't done that for years.

I have been doing better, but, I don't know, it's hard to put into words. I haven't moved Frank's bed, her food dish, her favourite blankets. I just can't.

I miss her more than i can express.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I think they know, but I don't think animals view it like we do, they don't know the ramifications in quite the same way as they aren't geared towards "time" like we are.  They take things in stride.

[AJWCat]

Don't do anything until you are totally ready. It's been well over a year - I still have some vet paperwork for my cat - I see it once a month and can't let it go. I actually drove near our old neighborhood - the last place we lived (before we went on our long vacation and lost our Cat then) with our sweet guy and I burst into tears. Have not cried in quite a while. It's a process and takes a good amount of time. 

[KayC]

I agree, no hurry or rush to change their things.  They can sit there forever or wait a year, it's up to when YOU are ready.  When my husband died, a coworker detailed and sold his car for me, I needed out from under the payments, and he got a really good price for it.  I wanted to give him his trailer so his family could use it that summer, and I went out and cleaned it out by myself.  It was WAY too soon, and WAY too hard, but I pushed myself.  I wailed, you could hear me crying out a block away!  I never should have done that so soon, nor should I have done it alone, I should have waited for my daughter to help me.  The pain was excruciating!  

I lead a grief support group now and I tell people...no hurry.  What'll happen if you wait ten years?  Nothing.  Wait until you're ready, you'll know when.