Brother Passed- How to deal with in laws

[jentay]

I'm so sad about everything in my life right now. The biggest thing is that my brother just passed away. It has been so hard on all of us and I cry just about every day. The thing that has kept me going is all the love and support I have received from friends and family.... except my father in law and mother in law. They have yet to extend their condolences to me. He passed away 3 weeks ago. And they know about his passing because of facebook and of course because my husband told them. The first thing out of my mother in laws mouth (it's my husband's step mom) was "was he gay?" My husband said yes, and she didn't say anything more. He said that his dad asked, so her brother passed away? and he said yes, and his dad did not say anything else. I couldn't care less what someone's views are. It's sad and it hurts, but to have your views control your kindness toward others, especially your daughter in law is beyond words. I'm just at a loss. I have written an email about 3 or 4 different ways but keep deleting it. I cannot let it go, but I just don't know what to do. I'm a mess. I'm angry. I'm sad. 

[reader]

Dear jentay,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry to hear the loss of your beloved brother.

I know the lack of compassion and empathy from your mother and father in law is very hard to take. I know you want their acknowledgment but none of us can get blood from a stone. I fear they will only hurt you more if you force the issue with them. They have already shown their true colors.

During this very sad and difficult time it is better to be with others that do understand your deep pain and sorrow. Please consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church. Be with people who can support you the way you deserve.

Take care. Please know we are all here with you. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[jentay]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your kind words. I have reached out and will be speaking to a therapist on Monday. I really hope it helps me work through my feelings and frustrations. I need to realize there are just cold people in this world. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear Jentay,

My most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your brother. I have lost two and it’s life altering to say the least. I feel for you that they are not reaching out to you in the way that you need and with the unawareness of the hurtful things they’ve said. I’ve learned that people say the most off things when we are grieving and it’s baffling and confusing. Every emotion of ours is amplified during our grieving process and others don’t always take in to account how their words and actions/ or lack of actions affect us. I had a close friend say the word “wallowing” to me the other day and I wanted to completely flip on her. I didn’t though. I took a deep breath and found the courage to say that it hurt me that she would say that. I let her know that what she said isn’t true, or my reality. That she doesn’t know what this is like for me and that’s ok, but to try and be more thoughtful before she speaks to me about something she knows nothing about. She has her parents and brothers. I’ve lost half of my family in a year. I told my therapist what happend and he said it was good that I let her know how I felt and what I needed. He said because it’s a close relationship that I should now see how she proceeds forward with me. She can get on board, or I can sever the tie if she continues to be unsensitive. Maybe they have feelings you’re unaware of (confusion, loss for words, or just don’t know how to handle this) and they are in shock trying to understand and will catch up and give you what you need. Most people have no idea what to do for us that are grieving. If not, you don’t have time for that. Focus on the good people that you spoke of that are there for you. I too write emails and then wait before sending them so that I can see if my feelings change. Most of the time, when I wait until my feelings are less amplified, I’m happy that I didn’t send the email. I gain clarity and realize that I don’t need them to witness, validate, or try and receive emotions from them that they’re not capable of giving. That’s their loss and they have to live with their choices of being cold. You are strong individual with emotional intelligence. You are going through one of the hardest things in your life. I am too and I feel a mess, so I talk to my therapist and get it out. I’m angry, sad, and every other emotion and that’s ok. It’s ok to feel everything you feel. We’re here and we understand and care. Hugs to you.