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nuvar

I killed my mum

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Hi Silverkitties, thanks for much for responding.


My mum would definitely be alive if she didnt go for the second op (the elective one). The third one was to try to remedy it and save her.

We were duped into doing the second op and they rushed us into making the decision. It's as close as murder as you can put it. They told us risk was 5-8%. We wanted to reconsider, they made us make the decision on the spot even when we wanted more time to think. They made us sign the death warrant there and then. It's utterly irresponsible. I cant even think of a monetary amount they should pay us honestly.

It was a decision made under duress for a very risky op. And we wanted time to reconsider. It was not an emergency op. The third one was more an emergency op than the second. We were conned into doing the second op. They didnt provide us with many other information like alternatives and staging etc.

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Hi. Nuvar I totally agree with silver kitties your relatives sound like assholes! They are not healthy for you.. I would talk to them as little as possible.  They are making you feel worse about yourself than you should! THEY dont know what they are talking about and you as silverkitties said did the best you could. If you can pursue money from the lawsuit without causing yourself to much stress or expense do so and pay them off asap and end the relatioships. You deserve better from family. 

You need to focus on your own life as well without feeling guilty of neglecting your parents or the past decisions you've made. I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone and possibly  think about more positive things for you and your future.  Build your own family..I'm sure your mom would of wanted hapiness for you!

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Nuvar, Kateu has made some excellent points: if you are absolutely committed to that lawsuit and you know you can do it without further financial stress, then perhaps you should pursue it.

But if you don't, you may find yourself in a deeper financial abyss. Would your mom want that? Would you be able to deal with the expenses, particularly since you say you are already having difficulties? You've mentioned that doctors usually win: that's much the same in the US too. Over here, you'd have to be really wealthy or well-connected to win. Be prepared for a very long battle too.

I know I thought about it very briefly. As I may have mentioned, I  had thought about taking action since my mom's primary doc did not choose the most suitable oncologist for her even though the latter had superb academic credentials. But then I realized that I myself should have been more proactive about finding other oncologists--and tat none of the ones at that hospital had credentials as good as the one assigned. I had thought of bringing her to the other hospital. But what if she had the same bad luck? In fact, one of my parents' Taiwanese friends was there for his cancer treatment and he didn't last much longer than my mom. He was 20 years younger too.

Do you have other friends nearby that you trust? What do they say? What about friends or acquaintances who are doctors?

I'm wishing you more happiness. Believe me, I know how it feels--and it's been more than 4 years already. This Oct. 4th will be the fifth. Yet sometimes the sadness feels just as raw. I know if my mom were alive today, I wouldn't have some of these absolutely miserable days.

 

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Thanks both, greatly appreciate everyone who read and replied.

Yes I will be meeting with the doctors end of this month. Im very sure I have a case, it's only how we are going to settle it.

All my life, my mum was there for me and I have turned out to be quite the failure in all aspects. She told me before she's nv seen me in a graduating garb even though I have a university degree. I wanted to bring us all for a photo session. I wanted to bring her to China, celebrate our birthdays. All these would have been fulfilled if we were not pressed into making a decision by the doctors. These were not impossible dreams but they pushed us into making the decision in a span of 15 minutes when it's an elective procedure

If it were that highly risky, we should have been allowed to consider and reconsider and told of alternatives........ but no, they just pushed us down the path they wanted - so they can do their experiments. My mum was a very strong person, she kept fighting back. She gritted her teeth until in the end she gave up and wailed like a baby because she knew it's over. It hurts me every day and night just having these flashbacks. They killed her. They murdered her. No matter how much they pay me it's not going to bring her back. I dont want a hundred million billion. I just want her back, but it's no longer possible. They didnt disclose all information, risks and alternatives. If im not getting anything at all, apology, compensation and change in SOP, be sure I will show everything on social media and online and I will dedicate to creating websites to chronicle the entire matter and blog extensively about medical negligence and lack of accountability in the healthcare system.

Just when I was turning my life around... in Singapore we can buy a flat once we turn 35 (which would be this year for me). That's one of the biggest life goals. Yet because of this negligence and con, she cant witness it. She had been waiting for me to buy a place, get married, get established in career/business. It really feels like I've failed her all her life. She has prepared so much for this "exam" and for her project (me) but will no longer be able to witness the fruits of her labour. I only brought her pain, misery and disappointment throughout her life. Im terribly guilty for having a hand in getting her killed. I honestly dont know how to move on

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Dear Nuvar,

Please know we are all with you. I know you loved your mum so much and want justice for her.

I know your beloved mum would not want you to berate yourself. Live your life as fully as possible in her honor! Make her proud. Be a reflection of her belief in you.

I felt terrible guilt too and still do. And wish so much I could go back in time to make different choices. We all do...so desperately. I do think it is only with more time does the intensity lessen.

Thinking of you.

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My dad is causing me problems for now. Everyday I feel so drained. I cant get to sleep because of the guilt also. Im feeling the physical and mental torture.

My bloody neighbours are assholes I feel like killing them. I cant stop shouting at my dad. My relatives I want to disown them. All bloody hypocrites saying I killed my mum and my dad needs care, Im not doing enough but no one is helping. All they can do is talk.

They tell me to spend time to rest, workout, go out with friends but at the same time ask me why Im not taking care of dad, putting him in a home, working well, or doing all the household chores. They think I can split myself up and do everything at once.

Im utterly sick of all these assholes

Life has become pointless just running through the motions......... trying to find money to pay my relatives back and to keep my father alive. That's all.

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Hi Nuvar,
Why don't you just disown your relatives for now. You can always re-own them in the future.
I'm thinking - if you forget about your relatives, it'll take the stress off, which in turn will make it more easy to cope with your father which will in turn reduce/stop you from shouting at him which in turn will stop the neighbors annoying you and the whole circle starts to unravel.
My father disowned one of his brother's after their mother died. He never spoke to that brother again. I'm no longer talking to one of my sisters. Disowning realtives is a common practise.

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On 2/20/2019 at 6:38 AM, tessa said:

Hi Nuvar,
Why don't you just disown your relatives for now. You can always re-own them in the future.
I'm thinking - if you forget about your relatives, it'll take the stress off, which in turn will make it more easy to cope with your father which will in turn reduce/stop you from shouting at him which in turn will stop the neighbors annoying you and the whole circle starts to unravel.
My father disowned one of his brother's after their mother died. He never spoke to that brother again. I'm no longer talking to one of my sisters. Disowning realtives is a common practise.

My father's dementia and incontinence is getting worse. If I only had problems with my dad, my mum would have been able to cope and help and I would have more peace of mind than the traumatizing guilt shiat Im feeling now. And I would be on Alzheimer's forums.

Thanks for your advice though, yes Im practising that. Only damn thing is the social worker contacts my aunt to come over every Thursday. I dont want her/them to help

Instead Im here.......... whoever is up there hates me a lot

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its 410am. im tired after writing a letter. trying to get compensation but its a longshot. otherwise i will have to file an official complaint and possibly law suit.

im really tired. i dont even know if i can achieve anything. i dont know what im living on for.i just rewatched one of the videos i took of her frying french toasts. i miss you mum. i rly do. im sorry for causing you nothing but pain and your eventual death. i hope u know i rly love u. i miss u so much. i can never forgive myself

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I really hate my father. His brains has gone bonkers. He doesnt even know what shiet he is doing and now has a second based memory. He forgets what I tell him and I foresee in near future I will have no capability to take care of him

Im getting frustrated at work and I simply cant cope.

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Dear Nuvar,

I'm terribly sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I know how much you love and miss your beloved mum. It's so hard.

I know being a caregiver to your father every day is taking its toll. Try to understand your dad's brain is broken. I know its frustrating but he doesn't mean it. My father was grumpy too and it took its toll on me.

Just know there are people who care about you. Moment by moment is all any of us handle. I truly hope you will consider reaching out and getting some help in the community or through church.

Thinking of you.

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im suddenly being thrown into disarray because of this medical negligence... we were misled about everything. no alternatives, no advice on life expectancy with/without surgery, risks of surgery understated even though she was already in mid/late 70s

my mum should still be alive. she was one of the nicest people around, most would agree. yet she did not have a good life. i caused a lot of her misery but she just kept quiet.

i've already started to change and make improvements. my mum was hopeful and looked forward to it, yet we decided her fate in 15 minutes. i feel i destroyed her life and killed her. the doctors also have to be responsible for this yet they are just "sorry but not sorry". i spoke to them in a family conference, they agreed i made many valid points.

i dont know if i will ever get compensation. if i dont, i dont know how to cope financially and to take care of my dad. if i get the compensation it seems like im trading her life for money. frankly, even if i do get compensation, i doubt i would be able to move on. she died a premature death. i've accomplished and achieved nothing in life. even if i do so now she'll never know. i took my mum for granted but i had turned over a new leaf. i dont understand how someone as good as my mum would have a son like me and how she didnt deserve her shiatty life and eventual death.

her life was slowly taken away from her - she kept fighting back but medical science let her down, i kept having flashbacks day in day out of how she looked. how depressed, disappointed and tired she looked. how she literally gave up. i cant forgive myself. i can only go to the temple and ask for forgiveness. everyday, i can only cry at work. i cant fully concentrate on anything. it feels like she made the decision because of me and not only the doctors and medical science failed her, i also had a big part to play

a big part of me longs to join her. i really dont know how to even move on. it seems pointless to move on

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Hi Nuvar, yesterday, I was faced with an issue that I did not know how to handle.
So I asked myself, what would my mother do, what would my mother want me to do, what would my mother expect me to do. And that is what I did.
So, what would your mother want you to do? And go and do just that.

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Dear Nuvar,

I know its horribly hard. Missing your beloved mum and wanting justice and compensation and dealing with your father's care. Try to hang in there. And know you do have people that care and want you to keep going.

Trust me. I have those moments too and its so hard.

We all just have to do what we can to honour our parents. And keep taking it moment by moment. I cry, I start again, I cry and start again. It's been two years and I keep telling myself have to keep going.

Take care my friend. And now we are all here with you.

 

 

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Thanks Reader, Thanks Tessa.

Im just really very lost. As Im an only child Im really close to my mum. I called her nearly everyday at work when I meet with problems or am frustrated with myself. All of a sudden Im totally alone.

My relatives are not helping and I dont want them to help. My dad is getting worse. Everyone just looks on.

I can no longer find any motivation or drive in life because my dreams were centered about my parents. Now that mum is gone and dad has become demented, I can no longer function or find the point to function. What's the point of becoming successful, what's the point of buying my own place, what's the point of trying to start a family?

I feel that life has not just lost it's lustre but all the meaning altogether. I dont know what am I living for.

I used to tell my mum pessimistic, downtrodden things and pour my problems to her but at the end of it I know she is there. She's the one Im fighting on for. Now I feel so guilty about telling her things, making her sad, and causing her death.

Im truly alone now and everything doesnt matter anymore.

If I dont get the compensation, I dont know how to take care of my dad and finances. If I get the compensation it seems like Im trading her life for compensation and even with compensation everything seems bleak and pointless. There's no one to share the news with. Same goes for saying, become successful, winning the lottery etc.

Im just confused and tired and dont see the point in doing anything. I already let my mum down and I tried so hard to get up when she got sick and because of me she fought her way back in the hospital but everything was pointless. I made so many promises to her in the hospital but I dont know how Im going to achieve, whether Im going to be able to achieve and what's the point in doing so.

I really wish to know she is somewhere, but I cant find out. I wish she would take me with her.

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Dear Nuvar,

I know grief takes us all down this very black hole and its hard to see any light.

We all have moments of hopelessness and despair.

I know its not easy but you have to hang on and keep the hope. I know I tend to isolate myself as well, but you can do it. Keep reaching out and keep thinking about your beloved mum. How much she loved you and would want you to carry on.

Talk to her as if she is in the room. Write to her. She is there in every cell of you.

Thinking of you.

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