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I killed my mum


nuvar

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Same here nuvar, same here. I feel you. I am just learning, the hard way, what it means to grieve while someone is still alive. My father has dementia, still lives alone, and is completely creating nothing but chaos every day. He is absolutely not my loving dad anymore, just a stranger in his body who yells and screams at me every day. How do you grieve someone who is still here? There is a word for it, I cannot remember.

Putting your dad in a nursing home is big step, probably unavoidable. I hope you are at peace with the decision. May it give you a bit of your life back. 

Best wishes to singapore!

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my dad is actually ok. his dementia is not disruptive type (yet). just that he does some things like spitting, wandering back and forth and throwing rubbish. waking up in middle of night and confused/lost

but because of these and other hygiene things.......... i cant cope as an only child

and it's taking a toll on my health. and my apartment is a bit too small to hire a domestic helper

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Dear Nuvar,

You are a loving son and you are doing the best you can. I know it's not an easy decision to let your dad go to the nursing home. Take it day by day and see how it goes. Your dad might appreciate the routine and company more than you know.

Thinking of you.

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time flies. it has been almost 4 years.

 

im thinking of bringing my father back but am worried of the finances and also whether the helper will be good (which is tough these days).

i need to juggle with my work, hopefully career and other aspects. but i feel guilty and that i am letting him down right now, while he is still manageable. without a windfall from lottery or somehow, i will be chalking out close to 60k(Singapore dollars), roughly equivalent to 45k+ USD if i hire a helper and bring him home

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thinking of bringing my father back from the nursing home, which will require hiring a helper

but after i did a calculation, it will cost about 1.5k SGD or more per month. and I still owe some loans. if my dad stays with me for 3 more years it will cost me close to 100k SGD

he is not really ambulant, so needs a helper as he has dementia, im really destroying my own life, if i were to bring him back, based on costs and because of his dementia, he is giving issues + being old gives more issues over time

 

he has been at a nursing home for about 1 month now. due to covid measures being tightened cant visit for long and often or bring him home using home leave. the nursing home only allows 30min visit

 

at the nursing home he is placed on wheelchair because he has bow legs (knee issues) so they are afraid he will fall so they do not let him walk or exercise. they make him wear diapers because cant keep bringing him to toilet.

tomorrow going to bring him out to observe if he is able to understand that he needs to go toilet to relieve himself, since they dont allow him to do so and has been making wear diapers this whole month

 

but with my father at home i have to hire a helper, at my already small apartment (2 rooms and 1 small bathroom 1 small toilet). i will not be able to save any money at all nxt 3 yrs ( i am currently in debt) and no social life. i will essentially and definitely be killing myself, since i am 38 this year with no savings

been having sleepless nights thinking of this - bringing him back makes me go broke and have to deal with a stranger + no social life, no need to exercise or rest. not bringing him back makes me feel damn consciously stricken and guilty and feel terrible inside.

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