I killed my mum

[BlueGalaxy]

Please accept my deepest condolences for your profound loss.  It's interesting because my mom passed from a blood infection going septic just last year.  My mom and I were exceedingly close.

I completely understand your frustration regarding your mother's doctor...it was a feeling shared by my father when my mom passed.  Though she was only 58 years old when she passed, my mom had actually been hospitalized for blood infections on a few occasions previously and had always successfully beaten it with a course of heavy IV antibiotics.  The doctors, despite all their tests, could never quite tell my dad and I where her infections were coming from.

In fact, the last time my mom became ill and was transported to the hospital, I sent my dad ahead with her and opted to stay home because we had a dog recovering from a broken leg at home, and I was positive that my mom would fight off the infection yet again.  How wrong I was.  By the time I was informed that my mom's condition was critical and went to the hospital, she was already in the ICU, unresponsive at that point.  She had to be connected to a ventilator, as she had the last time around, but the infection was too severe this time, and there really wasn't enough time for antibiotics to work.

I feel compelled to tell you OP, that in your original post, you indicate that you now struggle with and regret some of the choices you had to make regarding your mother's medical care.  I hope sharing my own experience here might help in some way.  My dad and I were forced to decide my mom's medical care as well.  We opted not to "pull the plug" so to speak.  We asked the doctors to maintain all life saving measures even after we were advised that her organs were beginning to fail and that even if she survived at that point, she'd never be the wonderful woman we knew again.  Ultimately it did no good.  Despite every life saving measure, my mom went into the hospital on Saturday afternoon and by midnight on Sunday, she died on her own.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that while I understand your natural instinct to blame yourself, I hope you'll try to also forgive yourself for your perceived mistakes...there is a chance that no matter what course of action you chose, your mom may have arrived at the same place regardless.  

I truly hope things get easier for you soon!

 

 

 

[nuvar]

im so tired of all these

now my father is getting worse with dementia and i got no one to help and support

he's driving me mad, i feel like killing him

sounds so weird that i even typed that out. im obliged to take care of him and i should be, since he has been a responsible dad by paying the bills, working etc. but it's so hard.

im losing it at times

[Neer]

Dear Nuvar , My Godess mother went to heaven in Dec 2017 and my views are almost similar to you that I am responsible for my Mother's death...I made grave mistake in her treatment and also did not show to Doctors on time ..Neer

 

[nuvar]

i really hate my relatives. they bullied my parents.

then i had to beg them for help, which they did. they claimed my dad won lottery around 15 yrs ago (50,000 SGD, roughly equivalent to 35k USD?) but didnt tell them nor share with them.

They claimed it was 100k and not 50k. I mean what the f? Why should anyone tell u they won the lottery at all? They used that to smear my parents' reputation. Even in dire times they tried to pry some truth from me. And that was the exact truth. At first they claimed it was 500,000. But after I told them it was split between 10 people, they went back with someone or in their minds they came up with 4 people and not the 10 that my dad told me.

Now i owe them 10k for the funeral because my folks have literally nothing left. I hate to owe them money. Im trying to borrow from banks etc but Im afraid of overleveraging. But it feels terrible to owe them money.

Im really sick of life. If I die, they will get my insurance and my CPF (Im a Singaporean, so it's forced savings) of 100k. My parents' current place would also fetch them near 300k. Probably in total of 500,000. That's the lottery they want. Whoever heard of people having to share their monies when they win the lottery? Jealous a-holes when their kids are all doing far better than I am. 

Im totally sick and tired of life. Im going to try all means to make money by hook or by crook

There they go, they can have all the freaking money. I just want to return them everything that we dont owe them and move on in life or death

[nuvar]

I suddenly cant see any hope in my life

my dad has alzheimers, my career is going nowhere, i have no friends, no girlfriend

pretty much on the path to dying

i really feel everything is pointless. so what if i get compensation. so what if i achieve success, nothing matters anymore

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I am so sorry to hear of your terrible pain and sorrow. I know its very hard to carry on without your beloved mother.

Please know you are not alone. It doesn't always feel like it but there are good people. And though its tough, keep living each moment and the next and try and be there for your dad.

We all have to carry on through the dark times. Do it for your beloved mum. She would want you to have more faith in yourself.

Take care and please know we are with you. Keep getting your feelings out, but try and do something good for yourself each day as well.

[nuvar]

Not a day goes by without me crying... am I too weak? I depended too much on my mum and when she needed me most I wasnt able to help.

Now I feel so helpless I wish she was here just to listen to me and make me a hot drink... I know I gave so much trouble all these years... I feel so guilty for all of these and how I indirectly caused her death

I dont really know how to move on with life

I cry everyday at home, at work I move away to somewhere and think and cry. Sometimes during meetings too..... Im really lost, I dont know how I can carry on. I would want to follow my father when he's gone. I cant find another meaning to life honestly

[tessa]

Hi Nuvar, Don't be so hard on yourself. You are fine just the way you are.
Just take one day at a time. One step at a time, one day at a time. Don't try and do too much, don't expect too much and the rest just falls into place.

[nuvar]

i really feel lost and have no motivation, drive or direction left.

just going through motions and awaiting for inevitable end......... there's no hope left honestly

theres not 1 day where i dont dwell in guilt, sadness and regret... and cry over what happened...........i dont know how or what is there to live on for anymore. everything has come to an end because it's so pointless. i merely function for the sake of fulfilling what i told her......... i cant really move on

i still have my low self-esteem..... and using medications to cope. i cant see any light at the end of the tunnel because i have no friends

my dad is deteriorating and so am i. i need the money to repay my friends/relatives but beyond that i do not know what to do.......... if i get the compensation it's probably going to be low - a life in exchange for this paltry sum

then the money will go on to my dad's medical fees

all my friends and relatives heck care and moved on, no one else bothers

im suddenly thrown into this situation that has no way up, only down

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is but please don't give up on yourself or your dear dad.

There is hope. All us posters are a testament to the fact we continue to survive and keep going forward as best we can.

I know your grief is still very raw and its so hard without your dear mom.

Try to give yourself some credit. Its a lot easier said then done but maybe some kind words to yourself every day will help.

I think this website Tiny Buddha might have some articles or quotes that will help.

Please take care the best you can.

[nuvar]

i realised actually there's nothing in life that i am looking forward to.

i already had so many personal issues that my mum helped me with and we promised we will get through. now it's all over.

it really feels more like an accident than a planned elective operation... we were outright conned, duped into doing the operation by the doctors who told us there's only a 5-8% risk when it's actually 10-24% risks.

my mum died with grievance and possibly vengeance. i cant live with this, cant live with my guilt and i cant live without her. this entire saga was so wrong. had it been a planned op knowing full well the high risks we would have had a heart to heart talk and planned ahead. there was none of these.

we were farked by the doctors. i rly want compensation, im rly baying for their blood. to them my mum is nothing but a lab rat, an experiment that went wrong, this is not ethical, this is not the right way to do things. they made my mum suffer and caused her death ahead of time. we did not agree to such a risky procedure....... we were fooled into doing this

if they dont agree to my demands for compensation i will spill all the beans everywhere online

i really have nothing more to lose, my mum's gone, my dad's half gone, im also partly gone. there's nothing left in my family, none of my relatives nor friends care. i just want to return all their monies and cut off all contacts

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I know your grief is deep. I too wanted to blame the doctors and myself over and over again. If you think it will help to talk to a lawyer and possibly another doctor about your mom's condition and the options at that time, then do what you think is best.

But please know even with compensation that I think you what you want the most will not be realized. You want your beloved mum back....we all do.

I don't know if any shaming and blaming of the doctors will make you feel better during this sad and difficult time.

What you are saying about being cut off from relatives also sounds familiar. I would keep saying please keep taking day by day. And if you can don't do anything for at least one year. I feel like the first year was the hardest in my grief journey.

We are all thinking of you and wishing you as much peace and comfort as possible.

[nuvar]

10 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Nuvar,

I know your grief is deep. I too wanted to blame the doctors and myself over and over again. If you think it will help to talk to a lawyer and possibly another doctor about your mom's condition and the options at that time, then do what you think is best.

But please know even with compensation that I think you what you want the most will not be realized. You want your beloved mum back....we all do.

I don't know if any shaming and blaming of the doctors will make you feel better during this sad and difficult time.

What you are saying about being cut off from relatives also sounds familiar. I would keep saying please keep taking day by day. And if you can don't do anything for at least one year. I feel like the first year was the hardest in my grief journey.

We are all thinking of you and wishing you as much peace and comfort as possible.

Yes I know and thank you. Im just thinking, so what if I win. Like what you said, what I truly want is my mum back. However, at the same time I know something has to be done. I know I shouldnt just stop and bow down and wait for the medical bill when I have a case.

I would rather all these never happened, I would rather have debts piling up than this.

In a way I am seeking the justice for the suffering my mum had to endure due to this negligence and malpractice... im just not sure how far I would go to do that.

Thanks for your advice

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I wanted you to know we all hear you. I know how much you loved your mum and hate losing her in this way. I too had terrible dealings with nurses, doctors and other healthcare professionals. I wish so much that everything could have gone differently. But reading others stories on this site, I realized there is no such thing as perfect all the time. I kept talking it out and I was grateful for the support and patience I received on this site and others.

Grief is something that we all have to go through and it is horribly painful and torturous in the moment. But I truly hope by the one year mark you feel the pain lessen in intensity. Keep hanging on and hanging on and hoping. Take baby steps to improve yourself and your situation if you can. I try but even I don't feel too successful 2 years on...but I keep going.

Take care.

[nuvar]

actually in my situation everything is pointless and i also no longer need to answer to anyone anymore

coz no one is there for me and my father's sanity also gone

none of my friends nor relatives and since im the only child everyone else can just ignore or bully me. no one has time for me haha. they are only waiting to collect inheritance

it's truly alone......... truly forever alone

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I know that is how it feels that no one cares, but please know we care. And we want you to keep going and carrying on for yourself, your mum's memory and for your dad as well. His memory might be gone but try and be his advocate, his champion, his lifeline.

Please know we are with you! I know it feels horribly lonely going through grief and having to deal with all the thoughts racing through your mind. Please try and be kinder to yourself if you can. I really think these websites might give you some hope.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Tiny Buddha

Aging Care

By reading these sites, you will know...you are never alone.

Thinking of you.

[Neer]

Salute to Reader for the tireless efforts to console the grieving. Souls...May God Bless You.....Neer

 

[nuvar]

today, i suddenly realised i dont know how to continue living..........my entire family's gone and my relatives dont care

i have no friends... it seems that im holding on to fulfill the promises made to my mum - take care of my dad and repay the debts... im not actually living. i dont feel like living

yes, i think im weak.i really cant find any reason to carry on living. i really feel life is becoming a chore, just very pointless

i've built my dreams around them, now it's pointless. i really dont know how to rebuild my life. it's kind of pointless. i just met a social worker yesterday and said i wouldnt commit suicide....... haha now it seems like that's a possibility

 

anyway im taking this somewhat as a blog to rant, thanks for all the advice. 

[nuvar]

my dad has to go for blood/urine tests on friday

but his stupid shiat dementia problem and stubborn-ness will cause me problems, because hes not supposed to eat after a certain timing at night

he would forget and get angry if he doesnt get to eat his nightsnack if he gets hungry - he can tell u hes not hungry 10min ago then goes to the kitchen to find food 10min later. i rly have the urge to throw him into a home. i totally have problems caring for him

hes rly a big burden to me. he doesnt care that my mum's gone, he still wants to go on tour even though he has all the problems all your parents got (chronic kidney disease, alzheimers, hypertension, bow legged, eyesight, ear problems, rheumatism, arthritis, gout - u name it. im rly sick and tired of him. i dont know how to care for someone like him rly im done

i really see no future for the current situation, not even when i get my new place...... that itself is a hurdle and problem

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

The suffering is great with the loss of your beloved mum. And caring for your dad is not easy. But try and keep hanging on.

I don't know where you live but I wonder is there a social worker who could help you access resources and give you additional support?

I know it feels like there is no hope, but hopefully seeing all us here after a year or even more that we all somehow get through to the other side.

Thinking of you. Sending you strength and peace.

[nuvar]

I just wrote a entry in the blog. I guess maybe I should post there instead of flooding this thread.

http://remeander.com/2019/01/01/ma/

[reader]

Please know Nuvar, you are welcome to post here too. I know how important it is to get one's thoughts and feelings down on paper during this raw time.

Keep working through your feelings and know we are all with you.

Take care.

[silverkitties]

Nuvar, I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading your posts over the past month or so--along with other people's posts.  I have wanted to respond to you for sometime, but couldn't because I've been so busy working on my book, searching for a job, and cleaning up. But perhaps more to the point,  I also did not know how to respond to you either because so much of my life is also up in the air.

The reason why I am replying is because your situation is so eerily similar to mine--even though you are probably much younger: like you, I am also of Chinese origins. Like you, I also had a great mother and a lousy father. Like your family, my mom was the one who held it all together. She took care of all the finances, housework, and helped move us across the country several times. On the other hand, my father was a complete POS (aka Piece of S**t): he not only made my life a complete misery by unnecessarily pressuring me, wrecking my career in the process (long story, so read some of my earlier posts), but he also broke my mother's heart many a time by cheating with his cousin.  He could have been much more successful, but instead of working on his OWN career (rather than just pressuring ME), he wasted a lot of time by sleeping and traveling with his cousin. In fact, he and mom wound up moving to Taiwan so that he could take a position at a much less prestigious university there more or less IN ORDER TO CHEAT WITH HIS COUSIN. And if that weren't enough, he has also ruined us financially by allowing his greedy parents and younger brother to steal all of our resources. And now, my POS dad has dementia--just like yours. I now have to find a full-time nurse for him because he is crazier and dumber than ever, but I also have no full-time job: thanks to my dad's destruction of my career from an early age. The only reason I was able to finish my textbook last month was because my dad had to be hospitalized and sent to rehab. Otherwise, it would remain undone!  Not one day goes without my wishing that he were dead; my prayers that he would die before his 88th birthday--just 3 days ago--have obviously not been answered. (DEAR GOD, WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL THIS POS INSTEAD OF MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER????) To add to all of these woes, my roof is on the verge of collapsing and I need to find a few extra thousands to get it repaired before it sinks on us. Talk about a perfect metaphor!

As such, I don't know what to tell you. I have called the suicide hotline more times than I care to admit because I didn't want to bore my friends and relatives. I've contemplated it and admittedly, am only refraining from offing myself because I still have two cats I love and cherish. Who would take care of them? Certainly not my jackass dad. If I were to die, they would be yet two more victims of my dad. I can't let him kill so many in our family. God knows, he's already killed mom by taking her to Taiwan which is grossly unhygienic and unsanitary and he's already on the verge of killing ME by making me feel suicidal. 

I can only give you the advice that others have given me: hang in there. You never know what may happen--for better or for worse. I know that there have been times when I expected the worst or felt that nothing I was doing was paying off: and yet a miracle would take place every once in a while.

I also try to remember what my mom would have wanted for me. Because she knew that she was my sole source of comfort and that she did so much for our family, she was afraid I wouldn't be able to manage our family. Every day, I try to live up to my mom's standards--it's a way for me to keep faith: PAYING MY BILLS, HOUSE BILLS, AND MY DAD'S BILLS, TRADING STOCKS, MAKING SURE THE HOUSE IS FUNCTIONING PROPERLY ETC. (sorry for caps) That;s why I forced myself to finish my textbook even though it probably won't make any difference in my career; I wanted to be able to dedicate it to her because it was she and only she who helped me get a doctorate in literature at Oxford, teach, and become a writer even if I am still a "loser" in many people's eyes because I only teach part-time. (Thank you, JACKASS , FUCKFACE DAD!) That's why I still try to see my idiot, good-for-nothing father when I can. I know she loved him--god only knows why--but I'm trying to do my best not to disappoint her if she can indeed see me from where she is.

Btw, I just read your other post on your blog. I think you should post it here not only because it is so poignant (it brought back my own memories), but it might just help others who are feeling the same way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nuvar]

hi silverkitties, thanks for responding

yes our plight is somewhat similar, but my dad was more responsible and he did work and pay for everything. he didnt fool around (as far as we know). Hence, it's harder for me to take harsh stances.

I will reply again tonight... what book are you writing?

Perhaps we can all connect somewhat just to support each other

[silverkitties]

My book is on poli sci/history textbook on the history of rights in the 18th century, particularly the ideas of Thomas Paine.

It's not that my dad didn't work, but he wasted a lot of time and made plenty of poor decisions. .He basically did not think of himself as a husband,father, and provider. He just pursued what interested him with no regard as to how it would inevitably affect the family.

That wouldn't be entirely bad in itself--if he hadn't pressured me from the age of 10, when he turned into the biggest asshole father ever. He NEVER cared about my interests: he was obsessed on my becoming a doctor, or at worst an engineer. He wanted me to attend the best universities. As such, he put enormous pressure on me. Our entire conversations revolved around how I did on my science and math tests. Now, my best subjects were history and English, but he didn't care. He didn't care that I was a top student in both subjects or that I consistently got the best marks in the entire class. He didn't care that I won prizes for writing.  If I did poorly or mediocre, there was hell to pay. He would blame not only me, but my mom as well. That hurt me even more.

Every day, I heard, "what did you get on that quiz?" "So and so is going to Harvard." "So and so is going to Yale." Oh, and so and so's daughter just got into med school. You get the picture. My dad NEVER bothered to consider that the Ivies prefer students from the East coast--at least at that time. And many of the kids he was talking about either had a father teaching at an Ivy or attended a prep school with a direct route to the Ivies. In other words, their parents knew how to prepare their kids to gain acceptance into the Ivies--unlike my idiot father who actually gave up a chance to teach at Columbia because he thought NYC was "too competitive." How interesting that he made me compete--but wouldn't compete himself! I also hated that decision since I loved NYC, having grown up there. And just recently, I read an article stating that kids who grow up in large cities like NYC, San Fran, and LA tend to become more successful because larger cities offer more challenges. It's no coincidence, btw, that many of the full-time faculty members who teach at my university were born and raised completely in NYC.

Incidentally, my cousins were pressured too--but not to the same extent. Their fathers only wanted their kids to do well: they did not push them to become X or Y or attend an Ivy. That's why so many do not understand my plight.

My dad began sleeping with his kunt cousin when I was a junior in high school: this is when he was pressuring me the most. I recall hating my science courses so much and pretending to read my chem and physics textbooks when I was actually reading my novels, LOL! He insulted my mother and blamed her for my poor performance in my science classes, telling her she was a stupid, uneducated saleswoman and that he feared I was following her path. In the meantime, his kunt cousin whom he started sleeping with was even less educated than mom: whereas mom at least had some college, this woman didn't even attend junior high. In retrospect, I find it interesting how my dad, a;ways bragging about his Princeton Ph.D. , could sleep with such an ignorant whore. This only shows how uneducated my father truly is.  At least, other professors I know who cheated on their wives usually found a more educated woman. It's worth pointing out too that whereas most professors use their sabbatical to write a book, my dad spent it banging this kunt. (One reason I was especially determined to finish my book was to tell my dad, haha, I have a book published by a reputable publisher. YOU HAVE NONE!!!)

I still remember that Xmas day in my junior year. Dad had not called at all and mom was real worried. He finally called the next day and said that he was staying at a soldier's house so he wasn't allowed to make calls. At this time, neither of us knew he was cheating on mom. It wasn't until the following summer when we were visiting Taiwan that the beans were spilled by both my mom's and dad's relatives. I felt so sorry for my mom when she found a love letter that he wrote to his cousin.

My dad promised he would quit, but he never did. When I was entering college, dad was supposed to return and bring all my belongings up to MA. Well, he missed his flight because he was fooling around with his kunt! Fast forward to 25 years later, when he finally returned to the US with my mom. When he suffered a heart attack in 2004, my mom nursed him back to health. They both went back to Taiwan for visits in 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013: all this time, my dad continued to have affairs. I'm not sure if it was still with that kunt the entire time, but he was told by her neighbor that she died. This meant either that he went to visit her or that neighbor went all the way to visit my dad in order to tell him that. Finally, when my mom died, my dad did not even bother to write an obituary for her in Taiwan as he promised. His student wrote one for him but he somehow misplaced it and said he could therefore not make any revisions. I have a feeling my dad did not write in order not to upset whatever mistress he had at that time.

Now, throughout my teens and twenties, my dad and I had continual conflicts over my studies. My dad refused to speak to me when I said I wanted to major in English. When I won the election as arts editor at my college newspaper--it was very competitive with over 17 people applying for the position--he wanted me to quit! As it turned out, I didn't and got the highest grades I ever got in college. He also didn't want me to take a certain music class. Well, I took it and wound up winning a prize for the best essay in music. To make a long story short, he finally let me pursue graduate study in English. I think he did so in order to have bragging rights that he had a daughter at Oxford. I started at the age of 31. By the time, I finished, I was 37: that is already very old for someone finishing a Ph.D. Most universities prefer to hire younger people. And when race is figured into the equation, hiring becomes even more difficult. In contrast, the vast majority of people I know who succeeded had supportive parents: their parents let them study what they wanted. If anything, they were encouraged.

These were not the only problems. While most fathers move to bigger and better houses, my dad did not. It was like he had no pride in his family. He also drove the smallest, ugliest car ever: I believe he did this in order to have me and my mom killed so he could marry his cousin. And unlike other fathers, he never gave us gifts, and never had any family pictures taken. Meanwhile, he wasted a lot of money, always sending $200-300 every month to his asshole father and stepmother even though they had a HUGE house and nice car: it's not like they were starving!  In fact, I was unable to attend one prestigious university I'd gotten into as an undergrad because we didn't have enough money according to my dad. Note that his jackass parents are so different from American grandparents who usually have trust funds for their grandchildren and/or prepare for their grandchildren's college expenses.

This is why I hate my dad and his entire PHUCKING family. I hate his dumb mother for spoiling him. What a prostitute! This is why he is such a gutless wimp. I hate his father and stepmother for being greedy pigs. I hate his younger brother for getting the latter to make the entire estate to him. One day when my dad was irritating the crap out of me, I took a large picture of his dad and ripped it right in front of his face. He tried to stop me but I shoved him away. I was going to pee on the picture too but didn't want to waste time mopping up the floor because I had already done it the previous day. I'm trying to find a picture of his mom so I can rip it in front of his face too--but he seems to have hidden it away, LOL!

When I tell my dad what a horrible father and husband he was, he said "What's past is past and I can't take it back." It's like he has no sense of remorse.

I guess this is the problem: had my dad not pressured me, I might be more forgiving of him otherwise. But because he screwed over my life while cheating on my mom in front of his colleagues and students in both the US and Taiwan, I hate his guts. He totally humiliated us IN EVERY WAY.

 

[nuvar]

gosh... i think u have the right to dislike or be unhappy with your father.

my dad is much better, the only problem is he is stubborn as hell and has bad habits and dementia is making everything worse. i cant monitor him 24/7 and i get into quarrels with him very often because he does things like dumping things, mixing soups together, anyhow hanging dirty clothes to dry etc.

my mum knew i would have problems hence she forced herself to try to come back. i really feel we were duped by the doctors. im having personal problems which is self-esteem issues and now im rather knee deep in debts (around 15k sgd which is maybe 11k USD). not a lot actually if i didnt have issues on my own.

i really feel i let my mum down and i have issues with anger management myself. i really cant find closure. i dont know how to take care of my dad. i dont know how to take on the hospital management and try to get compensation. i feel even if i manage to wring some money out of them it's not going to be a lot. im thinking whether i should try to call a bluff and ask for more (not that they would pay any at all)

doctors always win lawsuits, esp where i am (in Asia). Also, I feel like im trading my mum's life for money. I simply cant find closure because of the intensity of her torture and how her life ended prematurely based on bad advice. i cant come to terms with it. My life is really in shambles... no friends, no spouse, quite estranged from relatives despite them lending me money.

i feel i've failed all my life and i was just about to get things up, my mum left with so much hopes and things she didnt get to see. she just wanted to hold on to see if i could fulfill the promises. now i feel a lot of contradiction and hate for myself, the doctors and relatives, friends etc..... i cant reconcile with many things. im feeling that i dont deserve to live. i dont deserve to be successful in life (which im no where at and was what i promised her while in hospital), because she will never see it. i feel i owe my life to her and i deserve a more torturous death, perhaps only then i can be exonerated.

i have no mood to work but i have to because i need to pay the bills and the debts to my relatives and bank. i have to work so that i can buy another place next time and for my own future (if i dont die first) and to care for my father. i have to work for things that i had in mind.......... it's very contradictory. i wish so much to drop everything and quit.

i really feel i hate my cousins........ they caused us problems but now im indebted to them. and my maternal cousins, they said so many bad things about me and say that im such a loser. i really tried so hard to do so many things and i ended up fulfilling nothing. and now that my mum's gone she'll never be able to see. 

i really feel i drew a bad lot in life, so did my father and mum...... especially my mum. now im just lost. alone and without support. i dont want others to see me as a weakling but i cant cope. i wish to quit my job but i also am afraid of losing my job....... we have no assets nor savings to dip into. im frustrated the whole time. i dont even know what am i living for anymore. in the past it was for my parents. now? i dont think i will ever get friends or get to be married and i also dont see the point. basically i feel that my life ended the moment my mum was gone. it's going downhill only.

i had my "fortune" read in 2017/2018 and the person told me my luck would be better in 2019. i told my mum (that was before the diagnosis) and it lingered in her mind. I think it's one of those thoughts she had in the hospital

i really find it impossible to forgive myself or the doctor. i dont know what im trying to achieve by getting the compensation - to pay off debts and bills? and use the rest to care for my father and for downpayment of property? isnt that profiting on my mum's death?

i dont think even if i get any compensation it would make me feel better and less guilty

 

 

[tessa]

Hi Nuvar, with your father annoying you with dumping things, mixing soups, hanging out dirty laundry, remind yourself that he is ill. It's a sad illness and they don't mean to do crazy things. They just can't help it, that's the illness.
It's difficult. When we are stressed out with so many issues like you have, it's hard to be patient. Try and remind yourself that he is ill and see if that can help you cope.
I had similar problems with my father in his last 2 years of life. I just went about and cleaned up after him or fixed what he broke etc. It's like looking after a child. It requires patience and one way I find patience is to keep reminding myself that they don't mean it, they can't help it. They are sick.

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

Tessa is right. Please try and remember that your dad is sick. I know its hard right now. But I learned the painful way, it will feel a million times worse when they are no longer on this earth.

Thinking of you, my friend. I know life is not easy and so many people are dealt a very cruel hand but know that you have the power to make it better.

Sending my thoughts and prayers for a better 2019.

[silverkitties]

Sorry for the delay in my posting, nuvar. I have had a really bad cold and am just getting over it. I can relate very well--as I'm in much the same position you're in. Btw, thank you for understanding my positionwith my father: while many do"get it," there have been some here who have not.

I agree with Tessa, providing you don't have other issues with your dad, that  you're probably going to have to accept things as is,even though that sounds tough. I understand your frustration because my dad is also hallucinating, babbling in Japanese, refusing to listen (well, he's always had this problem).

Once the nurses at the hospital explained to me that he had serious dementia, I became somewhat less irritated--realizing that much of this was out of his control. All of a sudden, I began to understand his issues over the last 2 years.

It sounds like your dad was OK to you. Try and think about all the good times you've had with him or the times he's supported you.

As for your continuing regrets about your care for your mom, let me state that we are always going to have regrets because hidnsight is always easier than foresight. I know I had many doubts--but when I thought it all over carefully, I realized I did my best in the circumstances back then with the knowledge and biases I had. For instance, my parents had long brainwashed me into believing that Ivy-educated and trained doctors are the smartest people. It was as such that I stuck with the hematologist that my mom's primary doctor had assigned even though she should have had a gastro-intestinal oncologist. I recall being ripping mad when I discovered that there GI oncologists: why didn't the doctor assign them instead? But since none of them attended famous universities, I doubt I would I have swapped my mom"s oncologist for them anyway. Yes, I am a snob: but that's how my parents trained me--unfortunately.

I also thought to myself,why didn't I research the hospitals better? I should indeed have done that. But previously, my parents had had no problems. Not only that, but one of our Taiwanese friends went to another hospital for his cancer and still died within 6 months.

Not least, I've also read articles written by doctors themselves who question the decisions they made when their parents died. They too wonder if they made the right decisions.

I guess my point is this: none of us really have the answers--not  even the docs themselves. We just try to do what we think is optimal for that situation based on what we know and sense. You obviously wanted your mom to thrive and you were willing to do anything--including that surgery that turned out to be fatal. The fact is that you could have been a doctor yourself and still have made that decision. So don't beat yourself up. Perhaps my mom would have lived longer had she not gotten chemo. But I thought it best because my cousin's mother had chemo and she wound up living far longer. The fact is this: many times, we just don't know.

 

[nuvar]

This was what my aunt said in whatsapp - 

"All doctors have tried their best n she is just too old to go thru all these. Don't waste your time on these. You have a choice to choose not to proceed with any procedures but you want all these to happen n saying u will hold responsible for all these decisions.."

"Whether to go for op or not, ultimately,  your mum will pass on. Bcoz of her age n she is in the 3rd cancer stage.  Drop the case."

This is a recent article - https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/health/new-hope-for-lung-cancer-patients?utm_source=ron&utm_medium=dc-banner-lbimu&utm_campaign=a1-0028148

It said that survival rates - "Patients who are treated with chemotherapy and targeted therapy have median survival rates of 21/2 to three years, compared to just 12 months from only undergoing chemotherapy treatment."

We were misled by the doctor who told us it's 5-8% risk when I checked it's 10-24% risk and we wanted to delay the op but he wouldnt let us. They also didnt recommend us for other forms of therapy nor alternatives. A lot of all these are considered as with-holding information and also misleading us into having the operation. He told us to have the op in 1 months time, what the fark? It's not even like plucking a tooth! I absolutely have a case!

My aunts they just want me to not pursue the matter when it's outright negligence or even malpractice. I've sought help from experts also. My aunts dont support my decision nor want me to meet up with the doctors.

If I dont pursue the matter, I'll never get justice nor compensation. AND I will have to pay the remaining hospital bill which would be at least 15,000 SGD (or around 11k USD) onwards. Im already in debts of 15k (total would be 30k - just an estimate, although the hospital bills could be higher). My mum had insurance but it would pay maybe 80-90%, im not totally sure yet coz of my complaint and they are investigating hence with-holding the bill. 

Apart from that, I think my aunts are selfish because one of them have a daughter who is a doctor. Hence she is afraid this would affect her daughter's career (my thought). Another aunt has a son who is a scholar. Hence she would need to rub shoulders with elites and doesnt want to compromise his future. Also it's because they are afraid of being involved and getting entangled in law suit which would cause me to borrow from them - or if they ever need help from doctors in the future, the case would be raised.

My mum's case is totally different from other cases, it's very obvious I have a case yet no one is on my side except for a few friends and family friends. Im utterly disgusted.

I wont want to borrow any more from them or anyone.

Now all of them are quietly agreeing with each other (paternal and maternal sides of relatives - my mum's case brought them together) that I killed my mum (evident from the whatsapp msg above) and my dad's 2nd elder bro also told me that I killed my mum and I have no right to complain or bring up the case

Im utterly flabbergasted and disgusted. I cant stand up for myself or my mum or parents.......... and I still owe them money. I had no other means of paying for my debts and funeral costs otherwise. I really regret asking my aunt - "Im bringing this case up and there may be a meeting with the hospital personnel soon", she outright rejected me from the message you see above. I cant believe how selfish people are, really.

I have to find my money somehow, by hook or by crook. Be it through legal means, begging or flouting the law. I dont want to owe them anymore money or favours

[nuvar]

I feel it's very obvious both sides of my family came to the unanimous conclusion that I killed my mum. It's pointless to refute. Indeed I cant forgive myself for agreeing but we were misled by the doctors

They told me not to pursue nor sue the doctors because they are not at fault. Well done, Asian mentality.

This lunar new year im going to find some place to spend the day and have to leave my dad at home because I dont want to see my relatives. Im really sad, sick and tired of them. They are helping me because of moral obligation and that my mum asked her distant cousins to help. I had the urge few days ago to msg them to not care, but I realised that would have defeated the purpose... it would become a cry for help instead. They would take it as whining.

Since they've already decided that the doctors and hospital are faultless and that Im to be blamed for everything, the only way for me is to pursue it on my own, find money to repay them and cut off relations to them. Then I will do up a will, if I should pass on anytime soon, I will repay them in due for the efforts they contributed to helping my family. I never want to have anything to do with them anymore

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I am so sorry to hear how your aunt's message is distressing you further. It is very raw to lose a parent. I too had moments when I wanted to cut off all relations with my own family.

It's obvious you loved your beloved and cherished mum. No one loved her more. And as a good son you only wanted to help her and see her get better. We all cling that hope. I know its a lot easier said than done, but you did what was best in that moment. And of course 20/20 is hindsight. I wish so much we all could go through life with this knowedge, but we can't.

I know it was part of my own grief journey. The back and forth, the ruminations, the depression and the family fights. Keep trying to care for yourself and your dad.

Please know we all continue to be here to listen and offer any support we can.

[nuvar]

I have anger management problems and low self esteem problems. My mum was the one i poured my troubles to. I think she did tell some relatives, but not the full story. Im taking lorazepam and some medication to keep my mood in check. I cant really take other anti-depressants coz I react badly to them.

Just earlier i was in such a bad mood (Im under medication) coz my dad left his trousers in the shower (and I threw it out), while opening the door, it jammed on my toe and i bled. My shower is very small. Possibly 1.8m x 1.8m and there was no space inside

I was so pissed off that I shouted and cursed and threw his trousers out. The next door neighbour heard me (I knew I have been loud for many times but I couldnt help it because my father always does all the stupid things that he doesnt know he's doing) and came over to warn me. My elder aunt came over as well to resolve the issue

He said Im unfilial and loud and he said I would have retribution. I answered back. He said he was sleeping (yea it was 11.30pm) and he had to wake up early and I was disturbing his sleep. That's true and I knew it was wrong of me. He told me my mum and heaven would punish me for being insolent, I told him Im waiting. Then he challenged me to go outside and he wanted to punch me. He said he had been waiting for a chance for so long. I wanted to go out but my relative and dad pulled me back.

He's not filial too, he's in his late 50s though. When his dad was sick all of them had help (there were many of them) and they hired a maid. His father spat on my grounds and the maid didnt wipe, he used to smoke right outside my house and we kept quiet too for 20-30 years. My mum didnt want to cause trouble, she has always been meek, quiet and friendly. I dont have any plans to play. I cant afford a maid, I owe debts (to relatives) and my job is shaky. I have no place in my small apartment for a maid to stay. I cant get any subsidy

I really want to let him punch me. Im sick of my life. I wanted to let all my relatives punch me. All those who said I killed my mum, being unfillial to my dad. I wanted all of them including all the neighbours to punch me as many times as they like.

I really drew a bad lot in life. I didnt win the genetic lottery, I always have this self esteem issue coz Im small sized, and ugly while my father's nephews were all tall for Asian. My mum's side were shorter but all were pretty smart people. 

Im just stuck in between of nowhere and I feel Im going to die soon, or at least inherit a few of their diseases. I didnt inherit their good genes but only the bad ones.

I really wish they would beat me to death somehow. I know I shouldnt flare up shouldnt shout shouldnt lose my temper but I really cant cope. At this stage, no one is helping. Not the govt too. I have to go to work and Im facing issues at work too. I have no friends nor any support.

My genuine wish is to die. 

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

I'm sorry for all the pain and frustration you are feeling. You are under tremendous stress. There is a lot on your shoulders. Are there any government resources that can offer you support? Would you consider asking for some supports through a church organization? There are good and kind people in the world that hopefully can lending a helping hand or an ear to listen and support you.

I know it feel so hopeless and desperate. I want you to know, we all have to try and do the best we can.

A website I found helpful for caregivers is AgingCare.com

There are many caregivers there that will understand your frustrations. And hopefully offer you some moral support and tips on how to cope with your dad's illness. My own dad's care was increasing...I feel I had no one to help me too. I know its hard.

Thinking of you.

[tessa]

Hi Nuvar,
Do you have access to a counsellor or psychologist, someone to talk to to let out your frustrations.
You're under a lot of stress and over-stress can lead to anger, bad moods, shouting, impatience, feelings of despair etc. The people around you - relatives, neighbors, they don't understand what pressure you are under so they judge you falsely.
You're not unfilial, you're just under a lot of pressure and the stress of it all is causing your outbursts.
You mentioned you're Buddhist. Are you part of a Buddhist community? Do they have any monks that you can talk to?
Can you talk to that nice aunt and tell her you're not coping. Maybe her church has people that can help.
I was in a similar situation when my father was ill. I was under a lot of pressure with father being ill but still needing to work for money. I was constantly in a bad mood. I couldn't see at the time how life could get better. Looking back, I see that it was all stress. I needed to remove the stress and learn how to cope with stress.
You're not a bad person and it doesn't matter whether you're tall or short, fat or skinny or ugly as long as you are healthy. Ugly is subjective anyway. In some cultures, people desire to be big and fat because it is a symbol of wealth. In other cultures, people want to be skinny to the point of anorexia. It's subjective.

[nuvar]

Thanks both. But my neighbour mentions he wants to beat me up so Im waiting. If he doesnt try to hurt me or even talk to me I will let it slide.

But I want to return them their bereavement money. If he hurts me I will not hesitate to retaliate.

I dont want to have anything to do with my relatives, I only want to return them the money that is all. I spoke to hospital staff (a counsellor and geriatric doctor for my father), they did try to help. But I told them I feel angry and murderous.

They offered to take my father away for respite care for time being to sort out my issues but that wouldnt help since the main problem are my worries which cant be fixed immediately. 

My job in jeopardy, the guilt, the ongoing case of compensation with hospital, my dad's issue and my own future I cant see the light. Somehow everything has become pointless

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

Please take up the offer of respite care. It is  a good option. Give yourself a break. Help your mind clear a little and starting looking at different options.

I know its hard to see the light. But there is one...you have to keep talking and seeking.

Take care the best you can. Please know we all continue to be here with you.

[nuvar]

Actually my murderous part is not directed at my father... dont worry

it's just wanting to fight someone. hopefully i meet a robber or something that's all. I know that I have to curb my emotions though

[tessa]

I agree with Reader regarding taking up the respite care. When we are under a lot of stress, we can't see straight, we can't see the light.
I look back at the time when I was under a lot of stress and I made bad choices simply because I couldn't see straight because of the stress.
Respite care will give you a break, a breather to enable you to clear your mind and sort out the issues
The anger will disappear on it's own without you needing to do anything about it when the stress goes away. That's what happened with me, the bad moods disappeared on their own.

[reader]

Dear Nuvar,

You are in the thick of grief right now and its a heavy toll but Tessa is right. The intensity, the anger and hopelessness will lessen over time. Keep writing and talking and seeking support where you can.

Thinking of you.

[Kateu]

Dear Nuvar... I'm so sorry for all of your struggles ....your horrible loss ..your father ...your self esteem and career issues... I wish you the best and wonder if you would just take a moment each day and think of one positive thing about you and your situation... Each time you feel frustrated or sad or worried ...start to train your brain to think of something good. I hope you try it.  I would love to help you recover from your situation...many people here care about you as i do. This is why I ask  of this. Please let me know if you try.

Kate

[Kateu]

Three great things about you are

1.  You are sensitive

2.  You care 

3.  You try

[Kateu]

I can't stop thinking about your pain. You have to forgive yourself for allowing the surgery in which your mother also chose to go thru... You have no control over it now....I'm not sure what  Buddhism after life belief is so i don't feel right in stating my belief.  I hope there is a good in your afterlife.  You made the decision to do the surgery to prolong your mom's life and hoping she could be healthier.  You did something good then.  You are good then. You never consciously wanted to hurt your mother. I hope you find someone to help with your dad.  I dont know if you reside in u.s.a. but there is help for him here. Please feel good about who you are it is your way thru to being happy.  You are allowed to be happy. My thoughts and concern are with you.

Kate

[nuvar]

Thanks everyone for your care and concern. Im really blessed to have you guys and some other real-life angels appearing in my life right now. Perhaps you guys and they were sent by my mum.

I just met up with an old primary school (elementary school) friend. He told me his parents didnt tell him until after the funeral (they were superstitious sort). His parents came but told me he was at home looking after his kid.

He was very sad and we reminisced over other issues - things that happened more than 2 decades ago. He loved my mum and he knew my mum loved him. He told me he envied me that I had my mum - he would loved for her to be his mum. I lost it at those words. We spoke about my problems and he wanted to help me resolve my financial issues - so i would no longer owe my relatives money, because they were adamant that I killed my mum and should be responsible and not take action against the doctors nor negotiate.

He also wanted me to get back my life, I told him about my plans and he wanted to include me in some activities. Im really grateful but again I told him I will try to resolve my monetary issues on my own. Well, he has a family now, it made me think a lot of how much I owe my mum - she didnt get to enjoy many things or at all. She wasnt happy because I wasnt. I've always told her my problems and made her sad.

I also got to know other online friends in Singapore, they were supportive also and tried to help with my dad's problem and financially etc.

However, Im still caught up in this rut. I still think of my mum and weep. Right now Im at work and Im planning to visit her later. I dreamt (I think) of her last night and I told her I was going to wash the bed linen and stuff before Chinese New Year or something and she agreed. I really wish she is somewhere looking after us and not just gone. I feel guilty, depressed and know that I've failed my duties as a son. I failed her

[nuvar]

really hate my father man. i cant deal with him and his stupid dementia. im not getting any support from govt or anyone.

fark all these shiit

rly hard to deal with all of the household matters, household chores, taking care of him and i still have to work

[tessa]

Hi Nuvar,

Do you go to the gym? A good workout or a run might help you deal with the frustration. It won't solve your problems but a good workout helps us process the stress, give us some relief so we can better deal with things.

[Kateu]

I'm sorry Nuvar....im sure its awful to be alone in having to care for him...I have no idea how that would feel like very stressful im sure.  It is important to take care of yourself or you can't care for others .... I would do whatever possible to get assistance for him. I can't advise as I dont know country. Please know you are being thought of and i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers .

Kate

[nuvar]

i really hate my neighbours

my father cant rem he's eaten 15minutes ago. well done, i think just about time the entire family ends

[nuvar]

i hate my relatives. they dont care and they are scheming behind and gossiping.

now the paternal and maternal sides all ganged up

im all alone facing these. they say i killed my mum. they said im such a dumb ass for trying to complain and sue the doctors/hospital. they said i shouldnt do so coz i caused my mum's death.

i hate that i owe them money, i wish i could repay them all at once then disappear

i wont want to contact them anymore. im grateful that they helped but they pinned all the blame on me

today i went to the temple again, every week i would go over and seek forgiveness from my mum. I dont know what Im trying to achieve at all, to make myself feel better? Would she even know? Does she even know? She told me she doesnt know what happens after one is gone (when she was alive), she doubted many things too. Now Im doubting myself. I cant erase the guilt, I cant ask for forgiveness.

im so alone, this was what i prophecised to my mum (yea im a pessimist). she told them to look after me and take care of me, now they are leaving me in lurch and blaming me for my mum's death

they dont even bother to find out the reasons and why im doing so. im only staying alive for the promises i made to my mum - to take care of my father, to continue living and to repay the debts. i dont see any other reasons to live for

[silverkitties]

Hi Nuvar,

This is how I see it: you did  the best for your mom in the circumstances. I think it will be very difficult to sue the hospital if only because no one knows what the exact outcome would be if you didn't do the surgery--she may still have died. I think the doctors themselves don't even know. Even if the chances of her dying with the surgery were more around 25% rather than 10%, it's still hard to predict.

For instance, I could have gone without giving my mom chemotherapy because some folks actually did very well without it.  But who's to say that if she didn't get it, she would still be alive? These things are all hard to predict.' I might then be beating myself up for not giving her chemo.

Please know you did the best  under your circumstances.  You were willing to try anything--and that in itself is a sign of love.

Your relatives sound like assholes, however. My mom's side is probably better than my dad's, but I just had an idiot cousin refuse to believe that I was abused by my dad. She even unfriended me on FAcebook. Then later on, she sent me an Xmas gift and tried to friend me on Facebook. I refused. I'm very busy and don't have time to waste with morons.

I also get how frustrated you feel with your dad. Mine is the same way--he keeps talking about food; it makes me so sick! You would think my dad was exceptionally uneducated because that's al he ever talks about! Then to top it off, he babbles in Japanese so I have NO IDEA what he's talking about--and he's extremely stubborn too. He keeps asking me for gigner ale even though I've told him 10 times we have NONE. Then he goes on about how he already bought it and it's downstairs. The sooner he dies, the better!

The best I can suggest to you is to keep writing here. That's what I did for almost an entire year. I always felt better after I posted--even if no one responded.