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I killed my mum


nuvar

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Hi Silverkitties, thanks for much for responding.


My mum would definitely be alive if she didnt go for the second op (the elective one). The third one was to try to remedy it and save her.

We were duped into doing the second op and they rushed us into making the decision. It's as close as murder as you can put it. They told us risk was 5-8%. We wanted to reconsider, they made us make the decision on the spot even when we wanted more time to think. They made us sign the death warrant there and then. It's utterly irresponsible. I cant even think of a monetary amount they should pay us honestly.

It was a decision made under duress for a very risky op. And we wanted time to reconsider. It was not an emergency op. The third one was more an emergency op than the second. We were conned into doing the second op. They didnt provide us with many other information like alternatives and staging etc.

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Hi. Nuvar I totally agree with silver kitties your relatives sound like assholes! They are not healthy for you.. I would talk to them as little as possible.  They are making you feel worse about yourself than you should! THEY dont know what they are talking about and you as silverkitties said did the best you could. If you can pursue money from the lawsuit without causing yourself to much stress or expense do so and pay them off asap and end the relatioships. You deserve better from family. 

You need to focus on your own life as well without feeling guilty of neglecting your parents or the past decisions you've made. I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone and possibly  think about more positive things for you and your future.  Build your own family..I'm sure your mom would of wanted hapiness for you!

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silverkitties

Nuvar, Kateu has made some excellent points: if you are absolutely committed to that lawsuit and you know you can do it without further financial stress, then perhaps you should pursue it.

But if you don't, you may find yourself in a deeper financial abyss. Would your mom want that? Would you be able to deal with the expenses, particularly since you say you are already having difficulties? You've mentioned that doctors usually win: that's much the same in the US too. Over here, you'd have to be really wealthy or well-connected to win. Be prepared for a very long battle too.

I know I thought about it very briefly. As I may have mentioned, I  had thought about taking action since my mom's primary doc did not choose the most suitable oncologist for her even though the latter had superb academic credentials. But then I realized that I myself should have been more proactive about finding other oncologists--and tat none of the ones at that hospital had credentials as good as the one assigned. I had thought of bringing her to the other hospital. But what if she had the same bad luck? In fact, one of my parents' Taiwanese friends was there for his cancer treatment and he didn't last much longer than my mom. He was 20 years younger too.

Do you have other friends nearby that you trust? What do they say? What about friends or acquaintances who are doctors?

I'm wishing you more happiness. Believe me, I know how it feels--and it's been more than 4 years already. This Oct. 4th will be the fifth. Yet sometimes the sadness feels just as raw. I know if my mom were alive today, I wouldn't have some of these absolutely miserable days.

 

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Thanks both, greatly appreciate everyone who read and replied.

Yes I will be meeting with the doctors end of this month. Im very sure I have a case, it's only how we are going to settle it.

All my life, my mum was there for me and I have turned out to be quite the failure in all aspects. She told me before she's nv seen me in a graduating garb even though I have a university degree. I wanted to bring us all for a photo session. I wanted to bring her to China, celebrate our birthdays. All these would have been fulfilled if we were not pressed into making a decision by the doctors. These were not impossible dreams but they pushed us into making the decision in a span of 15 minutes when it's an elective procedure

If it were that highly risky, we should have been allowed to consider and reconsider and told of alternatives........ but no, they just pushed us down the path they wanted - so they can do their experiments. My mum was a very strong person, she kept fighting back. She gritted her teeth until in the end she gave up and wailed like a baby because she knew it's over. It hurts me every day and night just having these flashbacks. They killed her. They murdered her. No matter how much they pay me it's not going to bring her back. I dont want a hundred million billion. I just want her back, but it's no longer possible. They didnt disclose all information, risks and alternatives. If im not getting anything at all, apology, compensation and change in SOP, be sure I will show everything on social media and online and I will dedicate to creating websites to chronicle the entire matter and blog extensively about medical negligence and lack of accountability in the healthcare system.

Just when I was turning my life around... in Singapore we can buy a flat once we turn 35 (which would be this year for me). That's one of the biggest life goals. Yet because of this negligence and con, she cant witness it. She had been waiting for me to buy a place, get married, get established in career/business. It really feels like I've failed her all her life. She has prepared so much for this "exam" and for her project (me) but will no longer be able to witness the fruits of her labour. I only brought her pain, misery and disappointment throughout her life. Im terribly guilty for having a hand in getting her killed. I honestly dont know how to move on

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Dear Nuvar,

Please know we are all with you. I know you loved your mum so much and want justice for her.

I know your beloved mum would not want you to berate yourself. Live your life as fully as possible in her honor! Make her proud. Be a reflection of her belief in you.

I felt terrible guilt too and still do. And wish so much I could go back in time to make different choices. We all do...so desperately. I do think it is only with more time does the intensity lessen.

Thinking of you.

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My dad is causing me problems for now. Everyday I feel so drained. I cant get to sleep because of the guilt also. Im feeling the physical and mental torture.

My bloody neighbours are assholes I feel like killing them. I cant stop shouting at my dad. My relatives I want to disown them. All bloody hypocrites saying I killed my mum and my dad needs care, Im not doing enough but no one is helping. All they can do is talk.

They tell me to spend time to rest, workout, go out with friends but at the same time ask me why Im not taking care of dad, putting him in a home, working well, or doing all the household chores. They think I can split myself up and do everything at once.

Im utterly sick of all these assholes

Life has become pointless just running through the motions......... trying to find money to pay my relatives back and to keep my father alive. That's all.

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Hi Nuvar,
Why don't you just disown your relatives for now. You can always re-own them in the future.
I'm thinking - if you forget about your relatives, it'll take the stress off, which in turn will make it more easy to cope with your father which will in turn reduce/stop you from shouting at him which in turn will stop the neighbors annoying you and the whole circle starts to unravel.
My father disowned one of his brother's after their mother died. He never spoke to that brother again. I'm no longer talking to one of my sisters. Disowning realtives is a common practise.

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On 2/20/2019 at 6:38 AM, tessa said:

Hi Nuvar,
Why don't you just disown your relatives for now. You can always re-own them in the future.
I'm thinking - if you forget about your relatives, it'll take the stress off, which in turn will make it more easy to cope with your father which will in turn reduce/stop you from shouting at him which in turn will stop the neighbors annoying you and the whole circle starts to unravel.
My father disowned one of his brother's after their mother died. He never spoke to that brother again. I'm no longer talking to one of my sisters. Disowning realtives is a common practise.

My father's dementia and incontinence is getting worse. If I only had problems with my dad, my mum would have been able to cope and help and I would have more peace of mind than the traumatizing guilt shiat Im feeling now. And I would be on Alzheimer's forums.

Thanks for your advice though, yes Im practising that. Only damn thing is the social worker contacts my aunt to come over every Thursday. I dont want her/them to help

Instead Im here.......... whoever is up there hates me a lot

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its 410am. im tired after writing a letter. trying to get compensation but its a longshot. otherwise i will have to file an official complaint and possibly law suit.

im really tired. i dont even know if i can achieve anything. i dont know what im living on for.i just rewatched one of the videos i took of her frying french toasts. i miss you mum. i rly do. im sorry for causing you nothing but pain and your eventual death. i hope u know i rly love u. i miss u so much. i can never forgive myself

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I really hate my father. His brains has gone bonkers. He doesnt even know what shiet he is doing and now has a second based memory. He forgets what I tell him and I foresee in near future I will have no capability to take care of him

Im getting frustrated at work and I simply cant cope.

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Dear Nuvar,

I'm terribly sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I know how much you love and miss your beloved mum. It's so hard.

I know being a caregiver to your father every day is taking its toll. Try to understand your dad's brain is broken. I know its frustrating but he doesn't mean it. My father was grumpy too and it took its toll on me.

Just know there are people who care about you. Moment by moment is all any of us handle. I truly hope you will consider reaching out and getting some help in the community or through church.

Thinking of you.

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im suddenly being thrown into disarray because of this medical negligence... we were misled about everything. no alternatives, no advice on life expectancy with/without surgery, risks of surgery understated even though she was already in mid/late 70s

my mum should still be alive. she was one of the nicest people around, most would agree. yet she did not have a good life. i caused a lot of her misery but she just kept quiet.

i've already started to change and make improvements. my mum was hopeful and looked forward to it, yet we decided her fate in 15 minutes. i feel i destroyed her life and killed her. the doctors also have to be responsible for this yet they are just "sorry but not sorry". i spoke to them in a family conference, they agreed i made many valid points.

i dont know if i will ever get compensation. if i dont, i dont know how to cope financially and to take care of my dad. if i get the compensation it seems like im trading her life for money. frankly, even if i do get compensation, i doubt i would be able to move on. she died a premature death. i've accomplished and achieved nothing in life. even if i do so now she'll never know. i took my mum for granted but i had turned over a new leaf. i dont understand how someone as good as my mum would have a son like me and how she didnt deserve her shiatty life and eventual death.

her life was slowly taken away from her - she kept fighting back but medical science let her down, i kept having flashbacks day in day out of how she looked. how depressed, disappointed and tired she looked. how she literally gave up. i cant forgive myself. i can only go to the temple and ask for forgiveness. everyday, i can only cry at work. i cant fully concentrate on anything. it feels like she made the decision because of me and not only the doctors and medical science failed her, i also had a big part to play

a big part of me longs to join her. i really dont know how to even move on. it seems pointless to move on

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Hi Nuvar, yesterday, I was faced with an issue that I did not know how to handle.
So I asked myself, what would my mother do, what would my mother want me to do, what would my mother expect me to do. And that is what I did.
So, what would your mother want you to do? And go and do just that.

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Dear Nuvar,

I know its horribly hard. Missing your beloved mum and wanting justice and compensation and dealing with your father's care. Try to hang in there. And know you do have people that care and want you to keep going.

Trust me. I have those moments too and its so hard.

We all just have to do what we can to honour our parents. And keep taking it moment by moment. I cry, I start again, I cry and start again. It's been two years and I keep telling myself have to keep going.

Take care my friend. And now we are all here with you.

 

 

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Thanks Reader, Thanks Tessa.

Im just really very lost. As Im an only child Im really close to my mum. I called her nearly everyday at work when I meet with problems or am frustrated with myself. All of a sudden Im totally alone.

My relatives are not helping and I dont want them to help. My dad is getting worse. Everyone just looks on.

I can no longer find any motivation or drive in life because my dreams were centered about my parents. Now that mum is gone and dad has become demented, I can no longer function or find the point to function. What's the point of becoming successful, what's the point of buying my own place, what's the point of trying to start a family?

I feel that life has not just lost it's lustre but all the meaning altogether. I dont know what am I living for.

I used to tell my mum pessimistic, downtrodden things and pour my problems to her but at the end of it I know she is there. She's the one Im fighting on for. Now I feel so guilty about telling her things, making her sad, and causing her death.

Im truly alone now and everything doesnt matter anymore.

If I dont get the compensation, I dont know how to take care of my dad and finances. If I get the compensation it seems like Im trading her life for compensation and even with compensation everything seems bleak and pointless. There's no one to share the news with. Same goes for saying, become successful, winning the lottery etc.

Im just confused and tired and dont see the point in doing anything. I already let my mum down and I tried so hard to get up when she got sick and because of me she fought her way back in the hospital but everything was pointless. I made so many promises to her in the hospital but I dont know how Im going to achieve, whether Im going to be able to achieve and what's the point in doing so.

I really wish to know she is somewhere, but I cant find out. I wish she would take me with her.

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Dear Nuvar,

I know grief takes us all down this very black hole and its hard to see any light.

We all have moments of hopelessness and despair.

I know its not easy but you have to hang on and keep the hope. I know I tend to isolate myself as well, but you can do it. Keep reaching out and keep thinking about your beloved mum. How much she loved you and would want you to carry on.

Talk to her as if she is in the room. Write to her. She is there in every cell of you.

Thinking of you.

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i really dont think anything can bring closure... for my mum suffered a fate worse than any cancer patient and any relatives i knew

and she was among the nicest people from what others said, yet i failed her so many times

there's no way i can bring her back, theres no way i can say sorry to her, there's no way i can know whether she is out there..... to me it's over, quite clear as that

i lived my dreams for her and i was so close to success and everything just disappeared because of us being misled by the doctors...... i dont know how to live with this guilt. i dont even think i can move on, when she was around i caused her many problems and worries. the moment she got sick i tried to become a better person but everything was too late

it's so unfair to her. i dont even think theres any point left because my dad is also demented. i just want to be alone, yet not be alone......... 

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im sick of everything, my father is deteriorating so rapidly, now he has incontinence 2-3 times at night and at least once in the daytime

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i have to clean up after him and if i send him to daycare, i have to pick him up and drop him off near the bus stop in the morning. which is nearby but i need my sleep in order to work

if i ask for escort service (to send him up and down), it costs 10 bucks per day which is ~ 7USD

the daycare service with transport and escort service costs ~500 USD (700-ish Singapore dollars)

with escorting (up and down) service, it costs $10 per day and it's about $940 SGD. which is maybe around 700USD

Im finding it very hard to sacrifice sleep, plus he has incontinence at night which means if i wake up at night i have to take a cloth to clean (though I use my legs to drag the cloth)

Im really thinking whether it's better to put him in a home, because of his multiple chronic illnesses that I cant contend with. Hiring a caregiver (foreign domestic worker) at home, costs roughly the same as putting him in a home, and I get the luxury of sleep and my dad gets to stay home but there's no place to let the FDW/maid sleep because we live in a small apartment

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Dear Nuvar,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with caring for your dad. I know its really hard.

Does your dad use adult diapers? This might help with some of the mess.

I think given how burnout you feel which is totally normal that maybe a nursing home is a good alternative.

If you are tired, angry and stressed and still grieving your mom....its so hard. Day in and day out caring for an elderly parent is hard enough as it is.

Please know people are thinking about you and wanting you to find some support.

Keep doing the best you can.

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yes he is wearing adult diapers but it still seeps. and i have to make him change/wash and he gets angry and i get angry

speaking of which, i need to buy new diapers also. and that costs money

and im thinking i probably cant afford nursing care nor a FDW at this moment.

the FDW's monthly salary would be around 500-800 SGD (375 - 600 USD?)

but there's the security deposit of 5.5k SGD which is around 4.5k USD? crazy man.

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Dear Nuvar,

I know the choices are not easy. And financial burden can be great.

Please know we are to listen.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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8 months on... and I still weep daily for my mum. The way she suffered was the worst ever. I never really made her happy for the past few years. I feel I failed her and caused her to suffer. I cant forgive myself, I have as much blood on my hands as the doctors who wrongly advised us.

Currently we are going for mediation/arbitration and there might be a small chance of compensation. Even if we do get it, I feel confused and pointless. The money will only help with resolving current issues and repay loans but there is nothing to be happy about. My life has lost its lustre and meaning.

Im only whiling my days working but my heart isnt here. A big chunk of me has died along with her. Im not sure what other good would it do and if there's any point left to move on. I hope, if there is an afterlife that she will not get a useless son like me as her child. I feel terrible everyday. I dont think I can ever stop feeling this. Everytime I think of her, I think of the wrong I've done, the misery I've caused her and the pain I caused her at the end. It's unforgiveable

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I met up with my aunts today. Started off ok but they kept quiet, so I began asking them what my mum told them.

They said my mum cried and asked them to check with me once in a while to see if Im alright. Then I went on to talk about the past, about how my other cousins didnt help. They told me to expect less of others, to help people without expecting help back. They said that's what my mum said.

I agreed, but the situation was different - I told them I was desperate. I said I could not have been able to do everything myself when both parents are sick at the same time. They kept quiet.

Then I told them how I was pursuing the case with the hospital - they told me they didnt want to know. They told me to move on. They said I was the one who said I would take responsibility. They didnt want my mum to go for the op which was trying to fix the first op that went wrong. I gave my consent. My mum did as well. I thought she would get well. I would trade my life for hers, anytime. In the end she was killed by the op that was trying to save her. I blame myself and my relatives blame me too. But the doctors are not culpable? They recommended the first op. The second op was to try to fix what the first op screwed up. I know I have blood on my hands and will forever feel guilty. I will never be able to forgive myself.

They wanted me to wait out for the second op due to superstition of the Chinese ghost month. They wanted my mum to wait 1.5 months more when her condition was already bad and critical. 

Deep inside they blame me, one of my uncles who dabbles with the supernatural and believes in all these hocus pocus kept saying Im sending my mum to her death. They want me to move on and say they dont blame me yet they are really blaming me in their hearts.

So the doctors arent liable? I told them the doctors are admitting liability and we could possibly get some mediation and money. There was really a screw up, but they didnt want to listen to me at all. I need the money. I need to hire a helper or send my dad to daycare/nursing home which costs about 1k per month.

They told me, when they met me, they had expected me to move on, not dig all these shiats and they wanted me to tell them happy things. What happy things? Like my boss owing me salary? Like my clients hating me? Like my dad is recovering? (POSSIBLE? FROM ALZHEIMERS?). Like Im having a good life now? I said I wanted to pursue justice for my mum because it was true that we were misled - they didnt want to know/hear. I said I need money, they didnt want to know/hear. They asked me to go to social worker/services

All the things they disliked my other cousins and their father/mum in the past are now no more. Now they are all on good relationship and nice people. Everyone moved on. Except me, the murderer.

I caused my mum's death indeed. I have blood on my hands and no one else is responsible. I deserve nothing good.

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I've been having so many flashbacks of the time she was in hospital. It was the most terrible I've ever seen. I cant wipe those images off.

Although I did tell her to forgive me and asked her if she would - if I fulfill my promises - she nodded. but I cant forgive myself. I cant find closure. I dont think I can find closure even if I manage to get compensation (which would be very tough). My previous meetup with my aunts only made me feel worse.

Been having sleepless nights, sometimes waking up abruptly. At work I cant concentrate, either I feel sleepy, or I get emotional thinking about what happened. I cant eat well, cant sleep well, dont have the mood to work nor exercise. I cant find the excitement or mood to do anything. I imagine 5 yrs from now - I dont think I would be any better off

Does anyone even know how I can get help? Went for counselling yesterday, helped a little by ranting. Seeing my psychiatrist this Saturday to replenish my meds... dont see myself making any progress or headway from here

I also struggle with my dad and am feeling helpless and guilty that I have to send him to a home. Then I would be alone, I dont know how to deal with these

How to know if there's another place where her spirit/consciousness lie? How do I know if she has forgiven me? How do I apologize to her?

Anyone has any idea? I feel I cant ever get out of this. I finally know why some people decide to kill themselves

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Hi Nuvar, don't feel guilty about sending your father to a home. It's impossible for you to care for him and work at the same time and you need to work for the money.
I come from a family who would never send their parents to a home, yet, in my father's final days, my mother and I talked about sending him to a home because we were not capable of caring for him even though we wanted to have him at home.
We had the same discussion a few weeks ago with my uncle. The doctor recommended a nursing home for my uncle because it was too much for one person to take on.
Let go of the guilt. You did your best. Your mother had lung cancer. If she didn't have the operation, she could be suffering now. Death can be merciful.
Forgive yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing to do. You can only do what you think is the right thing to do.
I too have regrets with my parents but I forgive myself. I'm human, I can't know how to do the right thing in such situations.
One thing I do when I'm feeling guilty about something - when I go to bed, before I fall asleep, I repeat the words "I forgive myself". Sometimes I do this 3 times, sometimes I keep doing it until I fall asleep.
I lost my uncle 2 days ago. there were things I could have done better. But I am only human so I forgive myself for not caring for him as well as I could have had I known.
Work on letting go of the guilt. You can also visualize in your mind, going up to your mother and asking forgiveness. I also use this technique when I go to bed before I fall asleep.

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Thanks tessa. 

I've been having terrible sleep since my mum passed, guilty over the things I did and things I didnt do. Now, I just wish to pen these all out

So, I've been in debt before my mum passed, due to 2017 being a bad year and me changing 4 jobs. She had been worried.

I have been a bad son all along, making her worried due to my lack of self-esteem and flamboyant dreams, not having a stable career nor savings. I guess she did sound out her worries or hinted that shes really worried about me to some people. 

I really feel terrible.

So, quite recently I borrowed money (or tried to) from some people to tide me over as my boss owed me salary and I had to keep up with loan repayment. I had this childhood friend whom, I didnt meet in like 17 years. His mum came to my mum's wake and said - your mum has been worried about you. But she hid the whole thing from him until it was over. He felt bad at missing the wake.

He's in a better shape than I am financially - has a career, a family and kids. He has had a lot of opportunities which I never had and I was jealous of him. He was way taller, better looking, smarter academically and nearly better than me in most aspects (save 1 or 2). I had been alone all these while, shying away from friends and relatives, all these years due to my lack of self-esteem and perhaps jealousy. He had all the luck and love and won the genetic lottery, while I didnt. Sometimes I cried and made my mum sad and there were times I said things I shouldnt have. I admit, Im a terrible kid and really, no one else would have tolerated me apart from my mum.

But I can never right those wrongs anymore. It seems like, I must suffer and grit my teeth through this destiny and for making my parents suffer too. This is probably retribution.

As the story goes, I met him and we caught up. I let him on some secrets and I believe even though I told him not to tell his mum or wife, he did. At first, he was ok with lending me the money without any preconditions even though I wanted to give him an IOU. Then after a day of considering (which I believe he spoke to his wife and mum), he told me he would lend me the money but with conditions - to be able to visit my father (i never said no), to give him a promissory note, and recently - that this would be the first and last time that he would be lending me the money ($2,000, around 1.5k USD).

I feel utterly humiliated. Yet he is right. That others have better luck shouldnt be a justification for my failings nor excuses for my wrongdoings. I feel terrible, yet at the same time this came somewhat as both a slap to my face as it was a dawning to my thoughts. I always thought I had a backup plan - to get my own place, rent it out and take care of my parents then inherit their property and then retire or work minimally. That I was always blaming everything in life - while it's somewhat true, it's pointless to blame because it really does nothing to help.

And I overspent and have no savings. And I have been holding on to the hope even though I refuse to say so, on the possible compensation from the medical screwup to fix my problems (father's nursing home expenses, my debts and starting a business). Even till this day, when my mum's gone that Im relying on her for that glimmer of hope to restart my life.

I shouldnt. I think it is time that I take back control. It is time that I wise up, be more mature and find my own direction without relying on anyone. I dont know how this "streak" of eureka moment would last, but I hope it would bring me back to the right track.

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today is vesak day... the day we sent her in

i cant believe it's been a year...... i still cant forgive myself

 

apart from wishing that i die a terrible death i cant rid myself of the sin... im alone

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Dear Nuvar,

Its a very tough day. I know you loved your mum so much and wished for a different outcome. Please know you are not alone and we are with you. Thinking of you. 

Its very hard missing our beloved parents. I know I have cried an ocean of tears. It takes a lot of time to mourn and work through our thoughts and feelings. I hope you will be kinder to yourself and know your mum would not want you to feel this way.

Keep writing out your feelings and  know your friends on this site care a lot about you.

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Thanks Reader, and everyone else who is reading. I greatly appreciate this.


Now trying to mediate with the hospital/s. Because they are under the same "umbrella" but operate as separate entities. Frankly they will not pay much at all. They tried to lowball me at <10k. I told them not to waste my time. Now we are going to talk again.

I just feel, even if I get 100% of what I want (nearly impossible), I will not be able to move/live on. A part of me has died. Im only seeking compensation hoping to do the things I promised my mum - take courses, volunteer, take care of dad, continue working, doing biz, perhaps getting a family or something. However, I also feel everything has become pointless, even if I get some money that can help.

Im just running through the motions and ticking the checklist which I promised her. Nothing holds any importance to me now, it's like everything has become pointless and Im totally unmotivated. I dont know how long more can I take this

 

it feels terrible honestly. it's been a year. the things i told her are still unfulfilled. my relatives blame me, to me that's a big part because I already blame myself..........

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Dear Nuvar,

We all know this feeling well. It is part of our grief when we don't have our beloved mums and dads with us.

Try to get as much money as you can. Take care of your dad. Look after yourself and remember there is a point...your mom cared about you and wanted what was best for your future. Please make her proud.

I know how hard it is, but keep taking it moment by moment. I know you'll get there.

Thinking of you.

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The more I think the more I cant let go. I just feel it's utter torture and even typing these out hurts me.

Imagine not being able to talk, or eat for 3 months......... the suffering my mum endured was out of this world and unacceptable. We were misled into doing it. Im arguing on it based on Montgomery Test because we were not provided staging, alternative treatment, life expectancy details.

I dont think they would settle with me for much but I really dont wish to settle for anything less, not just because I need it but thinking of the pure torture just eats me from within

There's so much guilt that I totally cant let go.......... it weighs down very heavily on me. I dont think I can ever let go of this and this will impact me forever. And because of this I will not be able to live a normal, fulfilling or successful life. Even if Im able to get my own family, or become well to do, I just feel I cant let go of the guilt.

Not trying to downplay any other suffering cancer patients got or how anyone's parents were gone in their "respective" ways....... but I think about the torture...... and how I am responsible........ even if I get settled for half a million or 1m or 100k or whatever amount. The guilt stays forever.

Im so lost, I dont even know if I can seek forgiveness from her ever

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Dear Nuvar,

I hear you, its very hard. Being Asian there is a tremendous amount of guilt on first born sons and daughters to look after their parents. We don't know a different life because its so ingrained in the culture.

You are still very early in your grief. I can't tell you how many times I was in your shoes. Hurts so much and I wish there was way to make it better. Keep writing to us and know that you we all care about you and want you to be able to get what you can to care for your dad and yourself.

Try to be kind to yourself and know you only wanted what was best for your mom. None of us know how any decision will play out...its only 20/20 in hindsight. It's torture. But I hope with time things will get a little better for all of us.

 

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On ‎10‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 8:15 PM, nuvar said:

frankly speaking, im not sure if anyone here has the same problem but my self-esteem/psychological issues are quite profound. i face them everyday and im finding it impossible to cope

This sentence stood out to me. I am having the same feelings these days. Yesterday I was thinking that I now understand more clearly why people kill themselves. I thought before that it was because they had overwhelming sadness and they just wanted it to stop. But now I feel it is more likely a crushing overwhelmed feeling. Like you have no idea how to deal with the most everyday aspects of life anymore. I too am struggling with self esteem. And anger. And with the feeling of inadequacy / not good enough. Not being a good enough parent. Not being a good enough friend. Not being worthy of love because I so don't have my **** together. And not knowing how to fix it. or how to make anything better.

I lost my mom a couple months ago, and she was also my go to person. The one I went to when these feelings were overtaking me. And now she is gone and there is nobody else that I want to share these feelings with. I take anti-depressants, but they clearly aren't working at this time. But I don't want to take any more medication, so I just "tough it out"

I found this site today after two months of suffering silently. I hope it's helping you. And I hope it will help me a little too.

I do have faith, and I do believe in the afterlife. The trouble I'm having is with believing anymore that someone who's passed over has much interest in those they've left behind. Why should they linger here, when there is all this pain and sadness? And that thought makes me miss her even more.

Thanks for sharing your deepest feelings. it really does help others to feel less alone in this agonizing grief.

NIkki

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10 hours ago, f440girl said:

This sentence stood out to me. I am having the same feelings these days. Yesterday I was thinking that I now understand more clearly why people kill themselves. I thought before that it was because they had overwhelming sadness and they just wanted it to stop. But now I feel it is more likely a crushing overwhelmed feeling. Like you have no idea how to deal with the most everyday aspects of life anymore. I too am struggling with self esteem. And anger. And with the feeling of inadequacy / not good enough. Not being a good enough parent. Not being a good enough friend. Not being worthy of love because I so don't have my **** together. And not knowing how to fix it. or how to make anything better.

I lost my mom a couple months ago, and she was also my go to person. The one I went to when these feelings were overtaking me. And now she is gone and there is nobody else that I want to share these feelings with. I take anti-depressants, but they clearly aren't working at this time. But I don't want to take any more medication, so I just "tough it out"

I found this site today after two months of suffering silently. I hope it's helping you. And I hope it will help me a little too.

I do have faith, and I do believe in the afterlife. The trouble I'm having is with believing anymore that someone who's passed over has much interest in those they've left behind. Why should they linger here, when there is all this pain and sadness? And that thought makes me miss her even more.

Thanks for sharing your deepest feelings. it really does help others to feel less alone in this agonizing grief.

NIkki

Hi Nikki, I share your thoughts and I dont know how Im supposed to feel too.

The hopeful part of me hopes and believes there is afterlife of some sort or reincarnation (regardless whichever, whichever belief/s we subscribe to). The logical perspective of me feels somewhat otherwise, is life just like energy whereby it converts from 1 form to the other? Somehow I feel it's easier to be destroyed (sadly), than to be recycled.

From the Buddhism perspective there is the reincarnation/rebirth perspective while for Abrahamic religions they talk about God and eternal happiness and afterlife with God. I think Im more of an agnostic than a true Buddhist or Christian.

I take antidepressants too but mine arent those like sertraline, prozac or whatever. It's some new stuff like valdoxan which seems more like a placebo or helps with sleep cycle than anything. The good thing is, it doesnt give me the buzz when I stop taking, the bad thing is it's more expensive and I dont even know if it works.

Im on benzos which is bad. And self-medicating to cope........ using things to sleep and numb my mind. Not sure if Im ever going to get out of this.

Are you working or studying by the way? I find it hard to work with all these stresses of coping with guilt, my father, and fighting the hospital and other stuff yet I must say it does help sometimes. It's contradicting...... I want to work but I also wish to rest. I really dont feel like working but then I would be sleeping most of the time or just lazing around and then money would be a concern...

Please feel free, anyone to come in and chat here.

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When I was listening to Buddhism on Youtube, I learned that they Buddhist believe in reincarnation and it happens on average 49 days after death. 49 days sounds just too quick. I do't want to come back 49 days after I die. I don't even want to come back 49 years after I die. I don't want to come back.
But if we do come back in 49 days, then why is it that people talk about going to join dead relatives when we die. How can we go join them when we die when they have already come back and for a long time.
Maybe we are just energy and when we die, the energy which was us just turns into something else like dust or a mass of electrons or something.
I'd like to think that there is a meaning to life and I used to think life had meaning. But I'm now of the thinking that life is meaningless. We're just pets of the universe or God and like pets, we are supposed to just use up the time we are giving to go nowhere, achieve nothing, just like pets.
 

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almost a year on. im still feeling the same somewhat but more of being lost. my dad is getting worse and im trying to get him to a home. now he has incontinence and hygiene issues, doesnt interact with anyone else.

as for my mum, i still get sad and cry at times. still trying to thrash things out with the hospital. but sometimes i wonder, can i truly close the chapter if i get compensation? it would help financially. i also doubt they will offer much, maybe nothing at the start or at all.

i have no friends, relatives. i find myself very lost. i dont have a goal in mind anymore. after all ive seen and been through, i dont trust relationships. i dont trust myself.

i dont wish to find anyone to spend my life with, or even friends for many reasons. would i burden my kid/spouse? what if my kid was as bad or worse than i was? would i trust him/her to make decisions for me and be able to forgive if things go wrong? what if im a bad father? i think i would be one. what if my kid feels guilty after im gone? whr do we go when we are gone?

my dad would definitely hate me for sending him to a home. he crosses the road haphazardly as he wishes. i have so much on my plate. financial problems. my personal issues. i dont rly know whats the point of living. i have not yet achieved what i promised my mum. my sleep cycle is a mess, im losing weight. not a day goes by whr im not sad, frustrated, angry, lost, depressed, guilty. i cant see the point. ive never been happy

 

i dont deserve to be happy for making my parents sad. i dont know what to do. typing on my ipad at 3.30am now

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Dear Nuvar,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow...I know its terribly hard. Please keep doing the best you can to carry on and be there for yourself and your dad. Honor your mom's memory with a life well lived.

Thinking of you.

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I keep having flashbacks. And I remember my mum telling others that she didnt want to be treated but she knew I wanted her to get well so she would be here and I can fulfill what I told her.

She was willing to sacrifice quality of life so that it would buy me time to do the things I wanted to show her

Never did we know this would be the outcome

We didnt plan on this, the doctors misled us

Because of what she said, my relatives feel I caused her suffering and death

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Dear Nuvar,

                Please stop blaming yourself, you are not to blame, you made a decision that you felt was for the best at the time and that’s all any of us can ever do . I feel the anguish of your tortured mind and I wish that I could help you to move forward and one day find some peace . 

You seem like a beautiful person to me. I will include you in my prayers . Take care dear Nuvar 

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Dear Nuvar,

I know the Chinese culture is very hard only children and the oldest child. There is a great burden to care for our parents and to be their advocate as well. Its not easy to stop. But I hope you will one day and know that things do happen even when we have the very best of intentions. No one wants to suffer. Its easier in hindsight to go back and say if only. I did what you are doing and and almost three years later...I still have those thoughts. It takes times, my friend.  

I wish you peace one day.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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5am in Singapore. im still seeking redress from the doctors and hospitals who wish to test my patience and wear me out. my dad is getting worse. i have not visited my mum in about 3 weeks.

 

i wish she would take me with her. for the pain and suffering i caused her when she was alive and the bad decisions i made.

 

im still trying hard to fulfill my promises but at times im so very tired from juggling work and my dad who is deteriorating. ive recently taken on a part time job as well. but im not getting enough rest and food.

 

if the hospitals and doctors dont want to mediate, i will protest, post on social media, make a formal complaint and/or go to court. i have spoken to lawyers

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So now the doctors+hospitals are willing to mediate and hopefully settle

but my mind is in 2 places... i have to write down the case (again) for mediation and revisit everything again

these few weeks have been turbulent and since im going for a mediation with them in October, my mind is devastated having to think through so many things

my job isnt going well too (owed 1 month wages) and I may have to quit if this goes on. My father's dementia is deteriorating. I still keep thinking about my mum and how i let her down and how we got tricked and she got tortured and i got blamed and all guilty

I cant let go, been having 3 hour sleep nights.

i dont know what im looking for, for closure........... i cant even be sure if i can accept compensation. and the compensation isnt likely to be big. should i go for civil litigation/protest? i dont even have the mood to work

i feel estranged and alone, im really very tired.

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Dear Nuvar, 

Regarding your frequent job changes, don't be too hard on yourself.  For years, economists have been predicting and obersving

that frequent job change is going to become the norm. It is also true in much of the world that many middle class and lower class persons

are now forced to work more than one job simply to survive.  With the huge economic recession arriving early next year, things will only get worse.

As for not having had any relationships, this is also more common than you might think.  

Nature never intended for there to be very many males.  One male is enough to produce babies with many females.

Males are supposed to fight and kill each other off so only a few survive and breed. This is simply biology, not my idea.

The "confidence" you say you lack is something that a certain type of man has.  These are often manipulative, self-centered men.

Women are attracted to them, then later after the men have used them, the women complain.  Well, that is what they chose, and will

keep choosing.  They claim to want a "nice guy" but the reality is, they will always go for the vicious callous hunter type, who has confidence, and all the negative traits that go with confidence.

 

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thanks for the replies.

2 years plus on. and im still here.my dad is deteriorating slowly and i feel bad. i want to keep him at home but i applied for nursing home. that day will come.

everyday i think about the ifs and whatnots, that we've been tricked and lied to and my mum was betrayed... i sent her there, i killed her directly and indirectly

still working but getting wages owed.

i think the doctors are assholes and scums. they just want someone to be a test subject, they are the embodiment of evil.

 

i cant forgive myself. i cant move on. i really dont know what im doing, just hanging around. a lot of my dreams were built upon trying to care for my parents, making them proud but they didnt come to fruition in the past and they are pointless now, dreams like working a good job, or starting a biz, getting married etc. these are all pointless dreams. im still struggling with my  life and personal issues

 

i am filled with anger, envy and jealousy when i look at friends and relatives, sadly none of these dreams matter anymore

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Hey Nuvar, how are you doing these days? I read through a lot of your posts last night from 3 yrs ago and wandered how you are doing these days? Are you still here from time to time?

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oh hi. im barely ok. i guess being in a job and paying bills and taking care of my dad helps

 

but im relapsing back and forth........ recently had many episodes of waking up in the middle of the night, shouting at cursing at my relatives, or crying thinking of the events

 

now trying to pay my debt to banks and a friend

 

but quite frankly i still am preoccupied with my issues as well. my mind is broken but i pretend to be alright in my job. i manage someone who has depression and other stuff at work. it's funny because im the one with most real issues but i end up having to act like nothings wrong

 

im really tired of living. still feel guilty, still wants revenge but no way to prove myself. i guess the debt is the only thing keeping me alive

 

i do take prescription drugs (prescribed of course) to cope. and supplements but somehow i feel with this episode it does not seem everything is working

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Hi nuvar,

we are in the middle of the zoom support group right now. We are just talking about feelings leike guilt. ;y mother was killed by a doctors mistake as well. I feel very guilty about it. Feel free to join us. WE are currently just talking, without camera. Very casual. Only three people. Feel free to join us, or we can set up another time to talk or chat, if you rather like speaking or writing one- on -one.

All the best, Anna

Here is the zoom link:

Anna (sie) lädt Sie zu einem geplanten Zoom-Meeting ein.

Thema: Grief Support group
Uhrzeit: 17.Juni 2022 08:40 PM Amsterdam, Berlin, Rom, Stockholm, Wien

Zoom-Meeting beitreten
https://us05web.zoom.us/j/82110253518?pwd=L2RqYU9tUHFZenlqa1RIZVRoTExGUT09

Meeting-ID: 821 1025 3518
Kenncode: 94cd8A
 

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