Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

I killed my mum


nuvar

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Im an only child - I live in a somewhat typical Asian Chinese family. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago. She had been in hospital for 3 months in ICU following an elective lung surgery that removed her right lung. We wanted the op in Oct/Nov -(i started a new job, we wanted to celebrate our birthdays in Aug/Sept and we wanted a holidays) but the doctor disagreed. She was already on targeted therapy that kept her condition under control and Oct/Nov would have been reasonable given her age (77yrs). Instead, as the doctor didnt agree, we chose to have the surgery on May 31 (she had a resection surgery in March and barely recovered) - this was after only a brief 15min consultation.

My mum was my pillar of support and the glue of the family. Im not that close with my dad and we tended to quarrel. My dad isnt highly educated but is a responsible father who cares for me, but we disagree on many issues and due to these we quarrelled often. Since he is unable to understand nor have lengthy discussions, I usually talk to my mother, who is more highly educated and able to hold conversations regarding different topics. In a certain sense she's my bff as I have personal issues (low self esteem) that I confide in her - my career was going nowhere and I was switching jobs pretty often (im 34). I also have few friends and never been in a relationship because I lacked confidence. 

I know I hurt my mum because she is always worried about my issues and had to reassure me daily. I found out that she wrote these down and also told some relatives. In 2017 I changed/lost jobs 4 times (perhaps due to both bad luck and my problem). Late 2017, father was first diagnosed with Alzheimers dementia, then 1 mth later my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer (that I only found out to be stage 3a). My mum was petite but a strong-willed woman who weathered storms for her family - she took care of her younger brother until he passed away when she was in her 20s/30s. 

My mum didnt want to go for treatment as she told me she has "lived enough" but she went ahead with it because she wanted to do it for me. This was the worst choice we ever made. Had she not gone through it, she would still be alive today. Instead, she went through more suffering than other cancer patients - fully conscious but bed-ridden for a whole of 3 months with recurrent infections that in the end, no antibiotics was able to cure. The medical team told me my mum was a fiesty and strong lady who fought back many times after crashing (BP dipped) - this really didnt help, it only made me few worse that she was fighting so hard but medical science failed her. I also felt she didnt want to let go because of me and her worries - how i would be able to take this, take care of my father who was sick (many chronic issues - bow legged, kidney issues, other old people issues and dementia) etc.

I could only make many promises to her while she was in hospital. She couldnt talk coz she was on ventilator - she had problems weaning off ventilator that caused her infections. I knew what my mum wanted but all these years I was stuck in a rut not moving on. I knew she wanted me to get better in life, have more stability and possibly get married. After my father was diagnosed with dementia, I already tried to be a better son by bringing parents out, buying food for them and spending time at home but I only had 6 mths to spend with my mum.

I had to make the choice to pull the plug in late August as her condition deteriorated. I cant forgive myself for agreeing to the operation (although she signed and consented but it was for me), making her feel bad and sad all these years and also making her suffer and prolonging the suffering. I cant move on. I know what I promised my mum - to live better and take care of my father, but I can only visit her and cry at the temple where her remains are placed. We never expected this outcome, we thought she would be still alive even if for 1-2 yrs or maybe only 6 months more. It was a mistake and we feel we have been misled (i asked my mum and she agreed during the time when she got a bit better around a month after her operation and we really thought she would have recovered) into having the operation and the doctor downplayed the risks and possible post-operative complications. I feel we were not given enough time to consider and reconsider after we voiced our doubts. I am currently pursuing a case with the hospital, but I know it's futile

This was totally unexpected, we didnt make any preparations at all. I told her to forgive me only after I fulfil the promises, she did nod earlier and in the later stages she managed to blink to let me know. I really want to join her.

Now I have to take care of my father who is deteriorating, do the chores, go to work and I keep thinking of my mum and Im unable to focus. I can only keep apologizing to her in the hospital and now talking to her photo at home and at the temple. She has not come to my dreams yet and it has been 3 weeks, I think she doesnt forgive me. I feel so guilty. My mind is unable to focus and I keep reeling back to what happened in hospital and when she was here with us. I know I was never a good son.

I had no choice but to agree to withdrawing medical treatment, I cant forgive myself for letting her suffer nor for pulling the plug. In the end she suffered more than any cancer patient and they did tonnes of medical procedures on her that caused her so much pain. I slept over at the ICU (when there were no one outside) for at least 2 months but I couldnt do anything more. I watched them do procedures, stick needles in her until she wailed like a little girl (giving me that painful expression and telling them to stop). I was helpless. Why did I let them do these. She was a strong woman, one of the strongest and would do anything for me. She was reduced to like a 6 year old afraid of a thermometer thinking it's an injection

If only I didnt agree to the treatments. I cant forgive myself. I told her not to forgive me. I dont know how to move on. I feel ashamed and I want to apologise to her. I wish to rewrite everything and turn back time. She totally didnt deserve all of these. I feel shes gone, can anyone tell me if theres afterlife. I really think I killed her. I wish she would take me with her. There's nothing I can do to right this wrong. We didnt manage to prepare. She left with a lot of regrets and worries, and possibly anger with the doctor (even though she has a very mild temper, my aunts could attest to this, that's shes the most mild tempered person they knew). She shouldnt have to leave this way

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 155
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • nuvar

    80

  • reader

    36

  • tessa

    11

  • Nicole-my grief journey

    5

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow you feel is very deep for your beloved mum.

From everything you said, I know you loved your mum a lot and wanted to keep her with you as much as possible. But also try and alleviate her suffering as well. I know its really hard right now with all the questions and looking back.

Please know you are not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I did this too. It is torture. We spend our whole lives caring for our parents and its hard to think one day they are not with us on this earth.

Take your time to mourn your mum. And know you truly did everything you reasonably could for her. Keep writing and talking it out. If you want to consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group in the community or through church.

Thinking of you during this difficult time. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks so much. I appreciate you reading through the junk I wrote

I still regret my actions and decisions deeply. It was an elective op and she was old. We should either have delayed it (as we wanted, and sought relatives' advice or another medical professional's  advice), or not go for it.

It was simply wrong to make us decide on the very day when we were unsure

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

What you wrote is something that many people can relate to. Please know everything you are writing about is part of your grief. It is so hard to look back. Two years later I still do this to myself as well. We both saw our parents every day and felt so responsible. It is only natural to think back and say...but if only.

Take care of yourself the best you can. I hope you will consider reaching out and get some additional supports in the community or through church during this sad time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
  • 27 minutes ago, reader said:
    • 27 minutes ago, reader said:
      • Dear Nuvar,
      • What you wrote is something that many people can relate to. Please know everything you are writing about is part of your grief. It is so hard to look back. Two years later I still do this to myself as well. We both saw our parents every day and felt so responsible. It is only natural to think back and say...but if only.
      • Take care of yourself the best you can. I hope you will consider reaching out and get some additional supports in the community or through church during this sad time.
    •  

yes I am trying to find help with counselling. and i am trying to move things along like in job and starting out something. social wise trying but not easy to make any steps ahead. still settling some issues and trying to get help for my father.but im also overwhelmed

but i feel what i mentioned above is what makes me feel so angry. we lost time, she was gone prematurely. none of us thought of what to do in the worst scenario. it simply never came up to us because the doctor downplayed the issue. the entire thing feels more like an accident that happened out of the blue, rather than an elective operation that we have prepped ourselves for.

it's just totally unfair. she's gone prematurely because of our decision. because we were duped and misled. i feel a lot of anger and hatred towards the dr and the hospital and total guilt towards myself.

i am rational in that the doctor is a good doctor and he is kind and helpful, but we wanted to reconsider and he didnt give us that opportunity. it was obviously a high-risk op based on what was to be done and her age and not a moderate one. even if it were truly a moderate op, we wanted to reconsider he should have let us done so. he also did not explain the other alternatives and what would happen if we dont do the op(the time left) and also many other information was not given to us.

i just feel, it could have ended better. we would have an additional 5 mths should we have chosen to delay (definitely the case if we knew of the post-op complications and risks etc). instead we got conned into doing this and killed her and screwing my life and finances.

i really want to dream of my mum and talk to her but i cant get her in my dreams. now im also psychologically screwed and on medications.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

im gradually losing my father also. his dementia is getting from bad to worse and he is stubborn and does not want help. he forgets anything he does within a 5 minute span. i find it really hard to believe in god, buddha or any higher being

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Nicole-my grief journey

Nuvar,

I identify with you so much. My mom was our keystone. Our rock and the one who kept us all together. Medically they failed my mom too and I had to make so many decisions and explain things to her they the oncologist and surgeons should have, but didn’t. I felt responsible for so much and what she had to go through even though it wasn’t my fault. It’s not logical the guilt and pain I feel because I’m not a doctor and didn’t do the things to her, but I still feel pain, guilt and an overwhelming amount of responsibility. My dad won’t get help for his medical stuff and gets angry, irritable and can’t talk to me for more than a few minutes without losing concentration. He can’t head and forgets things, loses things and it’s so hard for me to go through and watch. I really empathize with you. Sending love, healing thoughts and hugs. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i keep tearing up at work when i get reminded of her. thinking what she would be saying and the advice she would give.

thinking how i've disappointed her all these while and how guilty i am in causing her death

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

its really hard to let go. i cant forget how she looked and how they tortured her. her death was totally unexpected and premature. it was supposed to be an planned elective surgery but we werent given enough time to think and reconsider. it seems more like an accident than a planned thing. the risks were also downplayed. i basically sent her to her death.

 

she would definitely be still alive today. damn the doctor. i know the laws and insurance and the hospital would protect themselves. shes so old and fral and barely recovered and he said the op would be slightly higher risk than the first one? i call it bullsht. he said risk was 5-8%. i checked the rates online its much higher given her age. i dont know what other avenues can i seek help from. i rly just want justice done. i lost my mum prematurely due to bad advice from doctor. im feeling so aggrieved that i cant sleep at night. this was not the outcome we expected. it was the post operative complications that killed her. the doctor should have known from his experience. this is just so fcked.

that look on her face, being resigned to fate and feelings of being betrayed and lied to, by the doctor. now thinking back im fuming. they killed my mum and lied to us... used her as a lab rat. they didnt tell us everything about the operation so we were all caught unprepared

i wish i could kill the doctor

And now no one rly cares coz its not their mums and i have no mood to work and still have to take care of my dad who has alzheimers. i rly wish to take a break and call a long stop to this. i can only think of my mum and weep..

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know it is deep. And there is a lot of anger for the unfairness of this unimaginable loss.

Keep taking it moment by moment. What are you questioning and feeling is part of your grief. Grief is a long road. It has been two years for me and I still go back and think but if only...it is extremely hard. There is so much on you as an only child. All the responsibility. All the judgment.  I know its a lot easier said than done, but you did what was best in that moment. If you had any idea of the outcome, I'm sure you would have said no. We all would.

Keep talking it out with us. Please know we are with you.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Nicole-my grief journey
On 10/1/2018 at 2:05 PM, nuvar said:

its really hard to let go. i cant forget how she looked and how they tortured her. her death was totally unexpected and premature. it was supposed to be an planned elective surgery but we werent given enough time to think and reconsider. it seems more like an accident than a planned thing. the risks were also downplayed. i basically sent her to her death.

 

she would definitely be still alive today. damn the doctor. i know the laws and insurance and the hospital would protect themselves. shes so old and fral and barely recovered and he said the op would be slightly higher risk than the first one? i call it bullsht. he said risk was 5-8%. i checked the rates online its much higher given her age. i dont know what other avenues can i seek help from. i rly just want justice done. i lost my mum prematurely due to bad advice from doctor. im feeling so aggrieved that i cant sleep at night. this was not the outcome we expected. it was the post operative complications that killed her. the doctor should have known from his experience. this is just so fcked.

that look on her face, being resigned to fate and feelings of being betrayed and lied to, by the doctor. now thinking back im fuming. they killed my mum and lied to us... used her as a lab rat. they didnt tell us everything about the operation so we were all caught unprepared

i wish i could kill the doctor

And now no one rly cares coz its not their mums and i have no mood to work and still have to take care of my dad who has alzheimers. i rly wish to take a break and call a long stop to this. i can only think of my mum and weep..

I share your feelings. Truly. Thinking of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
56 minutes ago, StreamingTheLight said:

I share your feelings. Truly. Thinking of you.

Thanks StreamingTheLight and reader, for reading this.

My mind just keeps replaying scenarios with my mum, like how she would react, what she would have said... and i keep tearing up thinking of her crying and feeling painful... the crying part was when she cried due to me (before she got unwell).

I went to her resting place again today to talk to her. In my culture/faith, we burn things to those who passed on... I wrote a lengthy addressed to her... I really hope she gets to read it... I told her to take care of herself and tell her how sorry I am... and I remember things from the past

Frankly everything feels so different, now i no longer have any motivation, but I told her I will fulfill what I told her in hospital, to take care of my father, myself and become a better person, achieve better things and get on in life so she would forgive me... and I hope to be able to see her again some day... I told her to visit me whenever she can, and to guide me along which was what she had always done but I always took granted for

  • Angel Wings 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Nov 2017 - Father diagnosed with Alzheimers (we already guessed though)

Dec 2018 - Mum formally diagnosed with lung cancer

Feb 2018 - Mum went for first surgery on left lung, it was successful

Late Apr/Early May - We went for consultation, within 15min told us to decide on surgery

Late May - Surgery and Hospitalization

31st August - She's gone

Everything really just 6 months. If she was still on medication she would still be here today, possibly only doing surgery in Oct/Nov. If she went on medication all the way and later other medications/treatments she could still be here 1-2 yrs down the road. She's just gone prematurely, tortured worse than any other cancer patient. She couldnt even talk because she had to be on ventilator... we werent told the full fricking details to make the right choice

Now I cant get back myself. I really wish to say sorry to her, I dont think I can ever forgive myself - she put so much trust, confidence and hopes on me. I dont think I can ever get on normally in life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is. As an only child you carried a lot on your shoulders. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. I did the same thing and still do. I go over the time line and think and wish and think again. Why??? Why didn't I make another choice?

But from what you write, I know you loved your mom and truly did what you thought was best in the moment. There was a lot of stress on you and lots of pressure. We all just try and do what we think is right.

Keep talking it out with us. Grief takes a toll and will slowly evolve over time. But the first weeks, months and first year will feel like an eternity of what ifs. But know that is normal.

Thinking of you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

im really finding it really hard to cope and my psychiatrist isnt useful... im merely using lorazepam to cope

day in day out i cant focus on work

i feel really guilty and that i cant have any closure, im just living by day and going to talk to her, im not even sure if she knows how sorry i feel. i just dont know how or where to move on... i have no friends

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I’m so sorry for your loss Nuvar.

I too am an only child and come from an Asian family.  I lost my mom on August 28th of this year.  My mom passed away from a brain bleed.  

The Sunday I took to the emergency room, she told me she was nauseous and light headed.  She said it might have been something she ate the day prior.  

I didn’t think anything of it and thought she would be ok in the days to come.  She was sleeping a lot, so I thought she was tired and needed rest.  I tried not to disturb her. 

The following day, I told the doctor she kept rubbing her neck and to look into it.  7 hours later after the Ct scan, I was told she had a massive brain hemorrhage and inoperable.  

They told me she was brain dead, and gave us 3 options.  1. Have the surgery but she would most likely die during surgery, or come out successfully and 2. be in a vegetative state her remaining days with life support or 3. remove life support and let her die.  

My dad and I had the hardest decision to make and we told the doctor we will discuss the issue  and give him our decision in the morning. 

We chose to remove her life support.  That is not a way to life.  My mom wouldn’t have wanted that.  

My mom took her last breath after 7 long agonizing hours.  I held her hand and brushed her hair with my finger tips the entire time.  

When she took her last breath, I felt part of me died with her.

That was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.  

I feel so guilty for not talking to her more and wished the day prior to her ct scan I hadn’t left her side for 3 hours to run 2 errands as I thought she was resting and doc said she might have had s viral or bacterial infection.  

I wasn’t there when she was semi conscious and she was always there for me when I needed her.  

I just moved my elderly father to live with my family. I can’t leave him alone by himself.  It’s what my mom would have wanted.

My guilt is eating inside me daily. 

I pray you find peace.

 

  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Nicole-my grief journey
7 hours ago, Howsadiam said:

I’m so sorry for your loss Nuvar.

I too am an only child and come from an Asian family.  I lost my mom on August 28th of this year.  My mom passed away from a brain bleed.  

The Sunday I took to the emergency room, she told me she was nauseous and light headed.  She said it might have been something she ate the day prior.  

I didn’t think anything of it and thought she would be ok in the days to come.  She was sleeping a lot, so I thought she was tired and needed rest.  I tried not to disturb her. 

The following day, I told the doctor she kept rubbing her neck and to look into it.  7 hours later after the Ct scan, I was told she had a massive brain hemorrhage and inoperable.  

They told me she was brain dead, and gave us 3 options.  1. Have the surgery but she would most likely die during surgery, or come out successfully and 2. be in a vegetative state her remaining days with life support or 3. remove life support and let her die.  

My dad and I had the hardest decision to make and we told the doctor we will discuss the issue  and give him our decision in the morning. 

We chose to remove her life support.  That is not a way to life.  My mom wouldn’t have wanted that.  

My mom took her last breath after 7 long agonizing hours.  I held her hand and brushed her hair with my finger tips the entire time.  

When she took her last breath, I felt part of me died with her.

That was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.  

I feel so guilty for not talking to her more and wished the day prior to her ct scan I hadn’t left her side for 3 hours to run 2 errands as I thought she was resting and doc said she might have had s viral or bacterial infection.  

I wasn’t there when she was semi conscious and she was always there for me when I needed her.  

I just moved my elderly father to live with my family. I can’t leave him alone by himself.  It’s what my mom would have wanted.

My guilt is eating inside me daily. 

I pray you find peace.

 

Howsadiam,

My heart reaches out to you and your family. I’m so sad for your loss. I was with my mom when she took her last breath in July. It was also traumatic. I too brushed my moms hair and held on to her. I have stayed with my dad since. I go over every second, all our moments and although I know she is gone, I can’t stop yearning for her. I pray for all of us. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

Please don't give up hope. If this doctor is not helping you or if you feel disconnected, please don't hesitate to look for another doctor. Get a second or third opinion if necessary.

I know its really hard. Grief makes us all feel lonely.

Know that you are among friends here. We will be here to listen and offer any support we can.

Take care of yourself. Your mom loved you and knows you did the best you could. She can hear you. She can, my friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

actually i was and still reliant on mum all the while (psychologically) more than anything else. i poured my problems to her and she was my best friend even though it caused her to worry and be sad.

at least i knew someone would be here for me. all these happened too suddenly.

i would rather she be around and i keep my problems to myself... and work doubly hard on all aspects. maybe it's God/Buddha/The One Above who feels i've bothered her too much, even so, she need not have to suffer so much

life is unfair and i cant get on with life myself... now i have to work, cook, wash and care for my father and deal with my own psychological issues and acting strong to others, faking a front and lying that issues dont exist. they still do and are in a way magnified now. but i cant gain back my self esteem or take a rest because they need to take a back seat as i deal with financial issues and other issues (like my father's care) etc.

frankly speaking, im not sure if anyone here has the same problem but my self-esteem/psychological issues are quite profound. i face them everyday and im finding it impossible to cope

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

Be kind and gentle with yourself. The first weeks and months and year of grief is very hard. It does take a toll mentally. I don't want you to feel you are alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Being from a Chinese family I know its extremely hard. And right now you still have to care for your father while grieving. Are there any friends or family? Any resources in the community you could access to help you. Any resources through church?  I was too proud to ask for help, but that was a mistake. I tried to shoulder everything on my own and that only made it worse.

I know your mum meant everything to you. It is a huge loss.

Keep writing to us and getting your feelings out.

I found these websites in helpful in helping me cope with my sadness and grief.

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog.

I know others share your pain and will be able to add their own experiences.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

I too struggle with feeling I did the wrong thing right before my father died. I always tried to take care of him as best I could, but feel like I let him down when he needed me most. I just didn't realize it was near the end for him...I should have known...

But I know that he knew I loved him and would do anything for him, and I do not believe that he is angry or disappointed with me.

We are only human and do the best we can. Your mom knows you're suffering, and I don't believe she would want you to feel such guilt, when she loved you so much.

Please try to forgive yourself, and I hope things get easier as time passes.

Gem 27

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel my mind is terribly broken now im just barely holding together. i already have low self esteem and lots of problems and my mum was my pillar of support.

she really forced herself to go through all the crazy procedures and stayed alive, gritted her teeth coz she knew i needed her and the family needed her. could you just imagine 3 months wide awake in the hospital's ICU battling recurrent infections and fighting so damn hard to stay alive until all the doctors were amazed at her spirits. 

i think it's because she knew i couldnt cope with life and my dad........ the amount of pain she had to go through i just cant imagine. can u imagine urself sleeping on a bed with sores for 3 freaking months and the most terrible thing is u cant talk and cant scream and she bore with it.

when she got slightly better she smiled at nurses and she nv pressed the bell at all, until i told her to. and i think she pressed it less than 3 times so that she wouldnt have to bother the nurses and doctors. she was so self-less. she suffered needlessly for me and my dad. i killed her. 

if we did not treat the disease she would have suffered less and lived longer, if she had been on the drugs only she would still be alive today and months or even a year later. if we had the operation in Oct/Nov she would still be alive today and we would have 4-5 months more to do things together

she fought so hard to live and they killed her. she fought so hard for me because she didnt want treatment.

i made her suffer.... actually i cry everyday and i ask her to take me with her. the only reason im still alive is that im trying to fulfil her dreams and to take care of my dad. then i will join her. i will not kill myself on purpose but i will wait for god or whatever powers, or nature to take me along... frankly im really still so preoccupied by my personal issues. she strove on so hard for me and i only let her down. i really cant deal with this grief and guilt........

im pretty much living for nothing now, i think i will not feel anger or pain if i were to have my life taken away from me this very second. no regrets at all

im really having problems coping at work.......... my relatives and friends are already moving away from helping because it's the 7th week.

im really breaking down...... im visiting her later

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

Please know you are not alone. I'm so sorry for your terrible pain and sorrow. I know how much you love your beloved mum. Part of grief is replaying all the things that could be different. Keep writing and expressing yourself.

Please know we are all with you.

Thinking of you.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks reader.

I really cant believe we went ahead with the op, i am someone who never forgets and i can be guilt-stricken over the smallest things that others would forget. i dont think i can ever get over this.

It's made worse by how fast the entire thing was and like a farking bad dream. We went ahead with the doctor's recommendation in 15minutes. My mum suffered for whole 3 months.

Im also thinking I probably wont ever get justice for her, the hospital is NEVER going to admit wrong-doing. Im going to call them again. They told me the case was still under investigation. I think it's highly likely they will close this case and said nth was wrong

Even if they admit, compensate us or whatever, it's not going to bring her back. and the chance of that happening is 1%

I feel really sick at myself, she suffered consciously for 3 months. My mum suffered her whole life and gave her everything to my family and her brother and was a nice lady. I really find it hard and nearly impossible to believe in god, higher being that they will help me/us.

i've never had a good day in my life too, and that caused my mum to be sad all her life. and my dad is now stricken with dementia and i have to juggle everything. im really feeling helpless because people are all generally forgetting us already. i dont know how long more i can cope.

It pains me to see everyone having things so much better. i practically have no one to cling on to.

Everything is so broken now and im in debt and shambles........ i dont know how or where to pick up myself from or if i am keen to do that

 

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

I know its really hard to look back. And I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

I wish you could be kinder to yourself. We all make so many decisions in our day. I know you only agreed to the surgery because you thought it would help your mum. I too had to make all the decisions for my mom and dad. It is a lot on a person. And you had the added stress of caring for your dad as well.

Grief makes us all feel like nothing will be right again, but try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself more time.

I don't know where you live, but always know there are supports. I wish family members and friends were better sometimes at reaching out. But don't give up...there are meet up groups, support groups, government resources, church resources...keep taking it moment by moment.

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Nuvar,

I know its really hard to look back. And I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

I wish you could be kinder to yourself. We all make so many decisions in our day. I know you only agreed to the surgery because you thought it would help your mum. I too had to make all the decisions for my mom and dad. It is a lot on a person. And you had the added stress of caring for your dad as well.

Grief makes us all feel like nothing will be right again, but try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself more time.

I don't know where you live, but always know there are supports. I wish family members and friends were better sometimes at reaching out. But don't give up...there are meet up groups, support groups, government resources, church resources...keep taking it moment by moment.

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.

 

thanks so much. everyone of my relatives are at a wedding of a relative now. they nv add me to facebook, i didnt too... everyone is enjoying themselves

i always feel lowly and ugly and i have psychological issues with these... (body dysmorphic disorder), im barely coping. my mum knows and she worries and cries for me. this was why i was never in a relationship

i tried hard to function, although i had worked all the while, i didnt rly manage to do well nor focus. i was my mum's main worry........ afterall, all my mum wanted was for me to be happy and because i wasnt, it made her sad

i tried to rly push for things before she got diagnosed, as i said - tried to find help for dad, became more driven.... started a new biz, new job and wanted to take qualifications and stuff, trying to get things back in order

but i didnt manage to accomplish anything to let her feel relieved and at peace.

frankly speaking now i keep thinking - so what if i succeed and so what if i dont? im really alone already and im not close to my relatives and have few friends, everyone is moving on - establishing their families and careers

very soon i'll be off their thoughts........ u know my only wish is to repay the monies i owe and the favours i owe and go quietly into the night..... or to some place alone. this was what i told my mum before and i think this made her really sad. i cant believe this is rly all coming true now........ i made her worry and i made her so sad and i didnt change anything and i cant change anything now

what's the point? im rly just ranting

i really wish my mum would talk to me and that i could apologise to her, and she would egg me on to succeed. i told her in the hospital that i would try my best to fulfill my promises before i meet her. i told her not to forgive me until i do. 

all these years i took her for granted, i didnt realise she was getting old. i thought i would have 3, or 5 more years. we went to the hospital taking things easy and this became the outcome

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

Your feelings are understandable.

Please no worries about the rant. It is important to keep talking things out and letting our minds go where it needs during our grief.

So many of us struggle with the same things. It all feels so surreal.

Try to do what you can for yourself and your dear dad.

Take care of yourself. And know you can always write to us on this forum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

the days when she was in the hospital kept replaying.

she has such strong will. she thought she would survive and that's the toughest part. imagine u are her. she fought back so many times and we bought her false hopes. u know i feel so bad about it. i go to her room and cry to her everyday. i think my life should be taken.

it's just so terrible. even till the last days when she was so sick she was thinking about me and what i was saying. she couldnt reply coz she was on the ventilator. wide awake but couldnt do anything. everyday when i was there we bought her false hopes, all i could do was hold her hand. all i could do was watch her wither away. i really want her to take me away. in fact that would make me feel better. i told her i will try to fulfil what i said. but if she feels im responsible then take me with her........ i'll be waiting

why did i put her through the op..... she really suffered more than any others. i wish i could speak to her but shes no more. i dont even know if there's the other side. she too, doubts that. i wish i could see a ghost or god or see her. at times i rly feel like killing myself

it has been less than 2 months. i wonder how long more can i live on with this guilt. i think professional counselling/ psychiatric treatment isnt doing any good to me. i had so many issues previously and it's even worse now. my relatives and friends have got on with their lives

 

frankly i dont know how long more can i continue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

I know its horribly raw and difficult losing your beloved mum.

Please know there are good people in the world that do want to help and listen to you. Your mum loved you very much and would not want you to berate yourself in this manner. Its all part of the grief and its hard.

Trust that you will continue to get through each day moment by moment. I too felt as you did and I am here to tell you, it will slowly get better. Please believe me.

And know we continue to be here with you.

Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks all who read. I just cant see the point of living on anymore. I basically cant find the happiness in any future. Im quite socially awkward, low self-esteem and rather estranged from relatives since some are more distant ones.

I really dont see anything moving forward that would bring me happiness or anything at all. It's like my life is in a standstill now. A large part of my life revolved around my parents, specifically my mum and I have no social network to fall back on.

I used to play some sports but stopped altogether, dont really participate in any social activities/volunteering activities coz I feel rather weird......... somehow I dont know how to pick things up from here. I've stopped harbouring thoughts of having a normal relationship and establishing a new family.......... so things are like pointless already.

Previously I cant stick to a particular job and that was what got my mum worried, it seems to be the same for now, Im worried about my job but I think of my mum too often. I really see no future in sight. Can someone help me and tell me how I should move from here? I dont want to use the word "move on" but it's like my life story ends. I dont see any chance of further development. Im like so lost and so troubled and dont see any hope nor point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i really cant forgive myself. it's a saturday and i went to close her bank account.

when she did the surgery (this time round, not the first), she told my aunt she did it for me. i knew deep inside her heart she worried about me because i most likely wouldnt be able to cope emotionally, mentally. 

physical wise or monetarily wise or just purely doing stuff, perhaps i can, but they have also proven to be much harder than expect.

i watched my mum writhe in pain, after the second surgery for a while she got really bad then so very much better... then we convinced her to have the third surgery to fix the second surgery (which was the screwup - she shouldnt have done it or we should have delayed). you should have watched the sparkle in her eyes when i said we will fight and win the battle together and that i might be getting into a r'ship soon (that was then)

she never once complained, im always a whiner

i told her i probably wouldnt get married as i feel and know im not good enough, so just to please me she kept quiet. she was always the nicest lady the person person u would approach. no one had anything bad to say about her but i was a terrible son. even my ex-classmate's mum (who was a friend of my mum) said she worried about me. i really dont know how i can move on. All of you are probably in a much better shape in all ways than I was, or am.

i cant believe i talked her into having the third surgery that killed her eventually. like i said, towards the end she begged not to have anymore procedures. i wish i could kill myself or do something to atone for my sins. basically we wanted to fix what the second surgery screwed up and the third one ended up aggravating her condition and killing her. Can you imagine a son egging the mum on and bought false hopes for his mum? And the mum signed her own death warrant because of the useless son.

i do know that the second surgery was a mistake from the start. i have complained and am now trying to sue the hospital and doctor for duping us into having the procedure by downplaying the risks

 

it's different when it's an emergency surgery or something that couldnt be delayed vs this condition, when she fought her way back because she couldnt let go of me then infections slowly took her away while she was conscious all the while for 3 whole months. i know some posters have not had the perfect mums but my mum really gave me her everything. i cant believe i took her life away in this manner, in the worst, most insufferable way. trust me i wouldnt last 3 weeks..... i cannot imagine what goes through her mind and they couldnt let her talk. and even so, when she was better, all she was worried (she managed to write a few words in Chinese), was whether i had my meals and whether i cooked at home

 

im rly merely living on. i dont know for what purpose. if my mum wants me to join her i will do so without second thought. that's how much of a failure i am. i really dont know how i can right the wrong... this is too grave a mistake. losing an arm or a leg sounds so "small" a matter in comparison. we all thought the worst would be that she would be paralysed and continue to live on for 1-2 yrs. i just dont how to live on and what to live for - i only know i made terrible decisions that cannot be reversed, and compared to most of you i would probably be the worst type of child, i spend my days crying, even sometimes at work. such a fcking weakling

most of you did not have a hand in making any decisions that killed your parent, i did. i feel more than terrible. i made her worry more than any of my peers, friends or relatives... i hardly ever took her advice and was always worrying that made her worried - the more i wish to achieve something the more i worried and in the end i accomplished nth. i hope i can accomplish something but she will never know... i only hope she will, in that i will try to fulfill as many of the promises that i can to her

i apologise again for ranting the same thing over and over, im rly just taking this as a blog i know most people wouldnt read this repetitive wall of text.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

and now i have to deal with my dad. my stubborn dad who never admits fault

he's got dementia and he's the worst type of patient you have to deal with. he will do stupid things like dump stuff away when ure not looking. really hard to take care of him. i cant afford helper also nor put him in a home. frankly, he's one of the biggest problems my mum was afraid i will have to deal with because i have a bad temper and am impatient plus i have to work and deal with my own issues

really everything crashed for my family

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think purpose will come back. It took me 3 month to not feel like I wanted to die  everyday after my father past away 3 years ago, I would even do things like stand in the middle of a busy street way too long, hoping a car would hit me and then it wouldn't have been my fault. I didn't want to kill myself though, because like you, I knew it would be a slap in the face to my single father who raised me by himself, and put up with me, always supported me and was my best friend by far. I also blamed myself for his death, because I was in the other room when he was having a heart attack and should've been more perceptive to the signs. He was supposed to go to the doctor that day, but decided to wait till the morning, I let him, knowing he was clearly in a bad condition. I even heard him coughing, I asked if he was ok from the other room, he said yes so i then closed the door, and sometime before the morning he had a heart attack, I'm almost positive it came right after the coughs I heard. I still feel guilty, but its a level of guilt that I can now live with, It gets worse sometimes but its not as consuming as it was the first year. When thinking about it rationally, what matters is I had the best of intentions for my Dad and he was a grown man and even in bad shape I have to try to convince myself that his life was not in my hands, it was still in his, just like your mom was a grown woman and although you feel guilt for being selfish, just as I feel the same guilt for pretending like my dad was in better shape than he was in, we have to try to give our parents some credit. 

I've been in a relationship for 8 months now, my first real relationship. At first it was great and got rid of all the feelings of loneliness and self pity I felt brought on by my Dads passing, now its still great, but now when I'm not with her the sorrow comes back and I go into a dark place. But it is still a step in the right direction, we have to try to remember that these feelings to the extent we feel them are all temporary! You won't feel the way you feel right now for ever. Neither will I.

  • Like 1
  • Angel Wings 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I do agree with you Lucas, somewhat. However, I did make some decisions on her behalf when she was warded/hospitalized in ICU. Like when the doctors recommended changing of lines nearly once near 10 days.

She was really tortured so badly, like they took her as a lab rat based on the procedures they did.

I got a reply from the hospital that they are looking into this but I dont know what sort of reply would I get. I really want justice done, an apology as well as compensation. No doubt no amount of compensation would bring her back and I do feel guilty for "profiting" on her death but frankly, I will never be able to get her back nor erase the guilt of both passively and actively killing her... I can only do what I promised her and hopefully I can fulfil those promises before I meet her. There's a part of me that feels doubtful on this (fulfilling the promises and meeting her)

Im now on benzodiazepines to cope. I was weaning myself off them previously when she was ok

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

my fucking dad has fucking alzheimers im barely able to fucking cope barely able to drag myself to work and barely able to work like 50% and when i comes home the first thing he asks me is

 

"where is your mum"

and then i end up shouting at him and said, "she's dead already, i killed her"

 

sorry guys im too emotional. i apologise to everyone whos offended

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Nicole-my grief journey
On 10/18/2018 at 8:15 AM, nuvar said:

Thanks reader.

I really cant believe we went ahead with the op, i am someone who never forgets and i can be guilt-stricken over the smallest things that others would forget. i dont think i can ever get over this.

It's made worse by how fast the entire thing was and like a farking bad dream. We went ahead with the doctor's recommendation in 15minutes. My mum suffered for whole 3 months.

Im also thinking I probably wont ever get justice for her, the hospital is NEVER going to admit wrong-doing. Im going to call them again. They told me the case was still under investigation. I think it's highly likely they will close this case and said nth was wrong

Even if they admit, compensate us or whatever, it's not going to bring her back. and the chance of that happening is 1%

I feel really sick at myself, she suffered consciously for 3 months. My mum suffered her whole life and gave her everything to my family and her brother and was a nice lady. I really find it hard and nearly impossible to believe in god, higher being that they will help me/us.

i've never had a good day in my life too, and that caused my mum to be sad all her life. and my dad is now stricken with dementia and i have to juggle everything. im really feeling helpless because people are all generally forgetting us already. i dont know how long more i can cope.

It pains me to see everyone having things so much better. i practically have no one to cling on to.

Everything is so broken now and im in debt and shambles........ i dont know how or where to pick up myself from or if i am keen to do that

 

Yes, all of that. I empathize SO much. I have chosen for now, not to go after the hospital legally because I’m already under so much stress. I have to put my focus on my health and my dads. And since I’ve realized no one is going to help me with all of the hard stuff, I have to compartmentalize and figure it out myself and not completly continue to fall apart. It’s more than traumatic and upsetting, but I talk to a therapist and he is helping me to try and gain focus and rewire my thinking. I have also decided to take the suggestion of a mild antidepressant inder my doctors care to see if it will help. I didn’t want to, but I have to keep trying to put the pieces together. We have more life to live. I wish this for you. Don’t give up. We care. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i just feel useless and indebted to everyone. in asian/chinese practise they give some money for bereavement and many people gave me big sums (rather big in certain context) of money.

because i overspent on business i did tell my relatives and some friends and my mum was truly worried, esp since we are not well to do and my dad has medical problems and her issues cropped up.

i just told my mum i will improve, live on and do all the necessary things but it's tearing at my heart. i really cant move on. im just rly hoping to work and also start a business and win the lottery....... that's one of my real wishes to repay everyone else who tried so hard to help. i rly dont want to feel indebted to anyone or everyone

my wish is to repay everyone and that would be what i promised my mum and then i will disappear from their lives. somehow i feel im going to die soon as well, im just afraid i wont be able to fulfill that part of the promise. i wont actively seek death but i feel my health is declining.

i really hate to leave this world owing people money, even though my dad/mum's place can be sold (or when im dead), and we should be able to return with no problems. it's just me feeling frustrated and empty and helpless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm sorry Nuvar. I know how raw grief is and its such a difficult time.

Please don't give up my friend. Try and do your best for your dad and for yourself. And know that your mum would not want you to be this way.

Everything is easier said than done, but try to be kinder and gentler with yourself.

Grief heightens all your emotions and thoughts and feelings. Please keep talking it out and now you are not alone.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i feel at this point i've come to terms that my mum's not coming back. but regressing between not able to accept it and unwilling to accept it

i just feel im in such a shiat situation whereby i tried to turn it around in 2017 (before and during diagnosis of mum's LC and dad's dementia)........ i really tried so damn hard doing everything i could, going out with them, buying things and food for them...

finding a job, starting a business and having more concrete plans........ it was going somewhere and mum was on medication that was helping and could extend her life and we could wait for op. until everything fell apart....... right now im starting to face issues at work too

basically im caught in this situation theres no solution (coz i cant outright solve it) and i've got so many things running on all at once but nothing is rly being fixed.

my job - in a mess, i cant focus and project is overrun (it was overrun even before i joined) - boss was understanding on my personal issues and i felt bad really even now. but now he's starting to get pissed off (but not my fault entirely) and is asking stuff thats not rly my fault

my social life (practically none since the time when things were ok. i have low self esteem and feel ugly and mum was helping me with it. i was still able to work, do sports and some stuff). now when my mum is gone suddenly i dont know what to do, the relatives and friends that helped are slowly moving away and im contradicting myself - do i want them to be around? yes... and no.......... yes when i need to talk and hope someone can help, no when i see them being rly happy with their families and friends and also because i dont want to bother them

my father - getting worse, gradually... even tho i did get some social help for him... and if he progresses fast i will have to put him in a home which i will not be able to afford

my health - in a mess, im using medications to keep myself moving. sleep pattern is messy. i dont exercise and eat enough (underweight)

my house - messy and crappy

financial situation - same, work and business going nowhere because i cant focus and trying to put things in order...

 

as u can see, my mum was the pillar of my life. it's not that i cant handle day to day issues like washing, cooking, cleaning, earning my keep etc........ but more like shes my mental and moral support. and she helps with everything my dad does.

now i have to play the role of mum, dad, son, caretaker, breadwinner and everything... what really affects me most is the guilt, emotions and mental part of it including my self esteem rather than physical commitments

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Nuvar,

Please know that grief is not a linear journey. There are so many ups and downs. Its all baby steps and then going back and being angry with our new reality.

It sounds like there is a lot on you and its really hard. I hope you will consider reaching out and getting more supports from the community or through church.

Everything feels so overwhelming and its hard to even get out of bed each day. But keep writing and sharing and doing the best you can.

Thinking of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
A.W. Montgomery

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your dear mother. I understand that you feel an immeasurable amount of guilt for what happened, but I hope that you can find comfort in the scripture Ecclesiastes 9:11 "because time and unexpected events overtake them all." Things in life happen that we often cannot control or predict.  I'm sure had you known the outcome, your decision would've been different. You didn't kill your mother; her health condition did. I know you did your best for her, and please remember that her death was by no means at your hand. I had to pull the plug on my mother almost two years ago and I felt the same guilt like I could've done more. Thankfully, I was able to turn to the Scriptures and some very good friends for comfort.  If you need to talk, please feel free to reply.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

yesterday was really bad. they didnt put my mum's photo on the urn, only did so yesterday

it's been 3 months... yesterday i just lost it when i saw her photo

i kept kneeling down, bowed over to cry and touched the urn (in a temple). i miss her, i really do, so i knelt down and spoke to her telling her i missed her. i went to the temple because i dreamt of her briefly yesterday night/morning... i saw her sitting/standing (cant remember) and i asked her "why are you here" and that "I missed her"

then she replied "that's why im here" then the dream faded and i woke up

odd, so i decided to go to the temple during my lunch time and saw they put her photo up (all the while i was thinking maybe that's why she came to my dreams)

i lost it, i cried the whole day at work and after going home. then i fell sick... im down with flu/fever now and went to see a doctor but im back at work and leaving for home again, i work really close to home (around 10min) away. this would have been ideal if she was around and i could always shuttle back during lunchtime to look and care for her, but now it's pointless. my dad's dementia is still getting worse... i shouted at him yesterday when the first thing i reached home and he asked me "your mum has not come home"

yesterday at work i also told my boss i need some time off and he said ok reluctantly (coz i took total of 1mth unpaid leave and around another mth of half-working days) due to my mum's hospitalization. im just going crazy or already am but i really am having problems coping and dealing with this

at the same time im really so afraid of losing work, i dont even know wtf im doing

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

my grief is really odd, first week yes sad but not till this point. 

 

then sometimes on and off i get really sad and that is all. all the while there was no photo on my mum's urn as mentioned above. somehow this is rly odd. i didnt realise the gravity of this or that she's gone? because i've also been "talking" to her at home and in my mind.

but just yesterday when i had this feeling they finally put her photo up and i got the dream from her, i went down and indeed i was right.

since yesterday i've been crying, bawling like mad...... knelt down in front of her and at home...... telling her im so sorry and how unfillial and how i was going to make up to them and now she's gone. and that if i had known this was the outcome i will never have let her go through this

i dont know why, but it's been almost 3 calendar months but i feel worse now than the first weeks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Nicole-my grief journey

Deaf Nuvar,

Today I experienced the thoughts and so many emotions again about being in the hospital with my mom and what we went through and the choices I made. That I HAD to make. I know how painful that is and hard that is. Someone actually said to me last week “You know that never should have happened to her, right?! You can probably sue”. As if they knew the situation or were there or went through any of it. And it stirred me up agajn and made me think, shoukd I do something more? Should I be going after the hospital...All of the stuff I felt back when you and I started writing to each other. But...after all the pain that it stirred up from me, I realized: NO. I don’t need to add more stress and put myself through more. It won’t bring here back. I already made the decision months ago to focus on myself and my dad and so I have to let go of those thoughts. They no longer serve me and pull me down.

Only you know what’s right for you. Whether you go after the hospital or not. So, I don’t write that stuff to try and influence you either way, but just to share where I’m at in my process as you and I have some similar things happen. 

As for your dad, I think you are loving, strong and courageous. I think a one hour group meet up with others in the same situation is a great idea if you can find an hour to go to one. My dad loses things everyday and repeats himself, forgetting what he tells me. I came home last night to the garge door being up and open for 4hours and him asleep in the house (with no clue). He left the gas leaking on the grill for an entire week last week. I kept saying “Something smells like gas” and he kept saying no and to leave things alone. He was snappy and irritable and so I did. Everyone around me ignores my concerns about him and leave me with the situation.

It’s hard, it’s sad and my heart is still with you. Wishing you peace in your heart.

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I never realised our predicaments were quite similar, thanks for your input

but the circumstances somewhat differ, i feel i have a case and i wish to get some compensation and justice

i cant fully concentrate on my father, i've never been that close to him. and he has lots of really bad habits and dementia is making them many times worse. im easily frustrated at him because i have no social life and my job is not going well. and i did say i have my own personal self esteem among other issues, hence i relied too much on my mum... might have caused her cancer or aggravated her condition too since shes constantly worrying

im really at the brink. i really think the easiest way out is for me to die so that my relatives will get some payouts and the payout would be enough to put my dad in a home. it's the easiest way out of a very tough situation

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Nuvar,

I truly believe this is not what your mother would want for you.

We can honor our lost loved-ones memories by trying to live our lives as they would have wanted for us, because they would only want the best.

If you are feeling desperate, please find some support or counselling, or change up who you have been seeing if you've already been.

Your life is precious, and I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

my life is in such a mess now...

my room is messy too and i cant find time to clean up. i see my mum's stuff and i dont know what i should do too. i feel im regressing.

 

can anyone please help advise me how to pick up the pieces? im very lost now. apart from joining church coz im not a Christian

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Nuvar,

Take one step at a time. Don't try and deal with everything at once. It will be too overwhelming. You need to firstly cut the stress level.
Can you put your business on hold for the time being?
Do you have to deal with your mother's stuff now? My mother has been gone for 1.5 years and it is only now that I am dealing with her stuff.
If it doesn't need to be done straight away, postpone it. Do it next year or whenever but not now.
Just deal with the absolute necessities for now until you are better able to cope.
Cut the stress level. Stress makes things look worst/harder than they really are.
One day at a time, one step at a time. Slowly, slowly.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.