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My boyfriend is taking out his anger on me...


Henrietta G

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Hello!

My boyfriend (we're both 21) lost his father June 28th 2018. He has been in tremendous pain, which is completely understandable, and I have been there for him in every way that I have been able to. However, he uses his fathers death as an excuse to treat me badly. He doesn't treat his two sisters badly, or his friends or his extended family or anyone else from what I can tell- he only takes out his anger at me. When I tell him I don't appreciate it and it seems like he's taking me for granted and treating me badly, he simply makes excuses and says that he's entitled to say and do whatever he wants to me because his father died, and he tries to guilt me into apologizing. He says ''You would be mean too if you saw your father die right before your eyes.'' The thing is, I have shown a lot of compassion to him, I have helped him a lot. Now my patience is running out, because he doesn't behave this way with anyone else. He goes out for coffee, he takes day trips to the mall with his sisters, they go out to dinner at restaurants, he was in New York for his cousins wedding this weekend and from what I could tell he got drunk and had fun, they went shopping, he hangs out with his friends, etc. But when it comes to me he's silent, moody, says that it feels ''pointless'' to even have a conversation with me. Most of the time he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, everything I say ticks him off and makes him passive aggressive and hostile. I told him I feel taken for granted and like he makes an effort with everyone to at least be nice, but with me the facade is gone and he's mean and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Another thing worth noting is he has behaved very badly towards me before, we've been on and off for two years and he's consistently behaved badly towards me, but now it's gotten worse. I told him how I feel, about him taking me for granted, how he's treating me poorly while he seems to be treating everyone else just fine, how just because he's grieving doesn't mean he can be abusive towards me. He wrote this to me over text after I wrote my feelings to him: ''You're fucking disgusting and horrible. I can't believe how fucking disrespectful you're being towards me right now. You're behaving like a petulant little child, everything always has to be about you and you can't stand it that it's not.'' I called him up after that and he hung up the first time and threatened to block me, but I managed to get in a ''No need, I won't be talked to that way, we're breaking up.'' and he just laughed. My question is: Is it okay for him to treat me this way because he's in pain? I'm starting to doubt myself, what if I am just horrible and selfish and that he has every right to behave this way? Should a good person and girlfriend be patient and take it? I'm at my wits end, I don't know what to do. I feel horrible, but at the same time I have to look out for my own well-being, right? I would love anyones advice or if anyone has had a similar experience to share it with me! Edit: I understand that it comes across as if I'm cold and heartless, but suffice it to say I have literally been there for him day and night, I have done everything for him. I haven't just brushed it off and expected him to be ''normal'' again after this short time. I've been there when he wanted me, I've been patient and given him space when he's pushed me away. I would love to help him through his grief and to be there for him, but I don't see how it's going to work...

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Dear Henrietta,

Sorry to hear of the loss of your boyfriend's father. I know you are doing everything you can to support him during this sad time. It's hard when people get angry or say regrettable things.

You sound very mature for your age. Sometimes as much as we all want to help someone they are not ready. Maybe let him know you are there and give him additional time. I find I was very raw for the first year. It wasn't till the second year I felt more in control of my emotions. The stages of grief are not linear. I too was very angry at the world and no one could say or do anything to make me happy.

I hope your boyfriend will consider grief counselling or joining a support groups in the community or in church. Being with others who share the same loss sometimes help.

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Just because someone is grieving doesn't excuse this type of behaviour. You seem to be a pretty supportive partner and don't deserve to have his anger taken out on you.

Set boundaries and let him know you understand he has gone through a loss, yet that support does not include being treated with malice. The grieving process is difficult and anger is apart of it, yet anger directed towards someone else isn't acceptable. You are being a support and do not deserve mistreatment. Just because his father is gone doesn't mean everyone else is. For myself, my loss has made it even more clear how life is short and precious and how important it is to treat those who you love with respect. 

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