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How do I move on from her death?


Noah

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 I recently lost my first love, who I thought was going to be my one love.... to braincancer... She was only 23 and we had only met a year ago and a half ago.... and since that time we have grown extremely close to eachother. I felt like we had a relationship that was truly and uttermostly genuine, and that she was truly my one and only soulmate. It was by accident that we started out as friends and then we ended up falling in love with eachother, at the time I wasn't even interested in finding a Gf yet, as I'm only 19. But, that first feeling of heart-warming love she gave me when she told me how much she really liked me...is a feeling that I cannot forget; and now it's a feeling that I can never get back.

It was in June where she was planning on visiting me for the summer, that she passed away without my knowledge to brain cancer. She was apparrently diagnosed with it in January and it was deemed terminal and she had only 6 months to live. And yet... she didn't tell me she had cancer!! I didn't even know she had it until she was gone. I cried for days upon days questioning why she had to go at such a young age, and why did it have to be her? Why didn't she tell me??  Why do I have to live without her? Yes, I even thought about suicide myself... but I got a lot of suicidal support... thankfully I am still here. 

Her loss is nothing like I have ever felt. I didn't think dealing with the death of someone you love so much would hurt SO much. Even 3 months later... there are days where I feel like my life is nothing if I can't share it with her, and there are days where I think the pain has healed... but it has not.

I just feel like I can never have a relationship ever again, because she fell in love with me because of who I am..... I just feel empty.. and alone.  I don't really have much friends, and it's really hard for me to talk to people... I am just tired of putting a "happy face" on the outisde, when everything on the inside is pure sadness... I just miss her so much. Everyday, Every minute, Every second....  I don't mean to say this out of dissrepect to her, but my big question is... will I ever meet someone like her again?  

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I know that the loss of a loved one no matter what age you are is hard to deal with. I lost my husband 7 months ago and had he lived Oct. would have been our 22cd anniversary. I fully understand the struggle but at your age please don't give up on the idea of having a wonderful life with a wife and children in the future.

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Jeff In Denver

Without (hopefully) sounding trite, I'm sorry to hear about your loss and what you are going through.  You're in good company here.  While no one knows exactly what you're feeling, we're all dealing with horrific loss in our own way,  Will you meet someone like her again?  Well, we're all pretty unique.  You could very well meet a really good person would would be terrific in other, similar ways.

As far as moving on, that means different things for different people.  To some people, "moving on" means that they want to meet someone new and move their life in that direction.  For others, it means that they (we) have ruled out that direction and our goal is to just make it through each day.

There is no right or wrong.  Water finds its own level, and I have a feeling that this kind of thing does, also.  You can't force it. 

In the meantime I hope you'll use this forum to share your thoughts.

 

 

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Noah,

I am so sorry you met someone you grew to love and lost her to death all too soon, very very hard.  I believe wholeheartedly that you could possibly meet someone you could love again...I can begin to understand why she didn't let you know she had cancer, maybe she just didn't know how, maybe she was in denial herself, it's conjuncture at best to try to figure that out.  I have learned to take the good and continue with it...to know the good things she brought to your life and savor those things within you, those are the things that changed us because of having had them in our lives.

Jeff is so right, we're all unique, we traverse this in our own unique ways.  

I wrote this from what has helped me in my journey, and am hoping you'll print and read it every few months because something will hit you now and something else on down the road, and though it may not all speak to you, don't rule anything out just yet, some of it may stay on the back burner until you're ready.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 9/9/2018 at 7:56 PM, KatB said:

I know that the loss of a loved one no matter what age you are is hard to deal with. I lost my husband 7 months ago and had he lived Oct. would have been our 22cd anniversary. I fully understand the struggle but at your age please don't give up on the idea of having a wonderful life with a wife and children in the future.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband (I read your thread as well). At one point in the early beginnings I did give up on that idea, but now I am somewhat hopeful that there still might be someone out there (thanks for the wonderful reply btw), but I'm certainly not going to rush things of course, I'll just see where time takes me this next couple years and let things happen as they happen. 

 

On 9/9/2018 at 8:58 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

Without (hopefully) sounding trite, I'm sorry to hear about your loss what you are going through.  You're in good company here.  While no one knows exactly what you're feeling, we're all dealing with horrific loss in our own way,  Will you meet someone like her again?  Well, we're all pretty unique.  You could very well meet a really good person would would be terrific in other, similar ways.

As far as moving on, that means different things for different people.  To some people, "moving on" means that they want to meet someone new and move their life in that direction.  For others, it means that they (we) have ruled out that direction and out goal is to just make it through each day.

There is no right or wrong.  Water finds its own level, and I have a feeling that this kind of thing does, also.  You can't force it. 

In the meantime I hope you'll use this forum to share your thoughts.

 

 

I don't meant to say this to sound rude, but it is comforting to know that I'm not alone in this whole... losing somone dear to you. I was well aware that other people lose someone everyday.. but to actually talk to people who have lost their dear ones; does provide me some insight/warmth. 

I'm glad to have found such a forum; as I was looking for somewhere to get some added support/help, and this seems like the right place to do it. 

You're right, while I won't meet someone who's exactly like her, I can hopefully someday meet someone just as special. But, it's just hard that if I DO meet someone years down the road, trying not to recreate what you had; since you know, they're a completely different person than the one you lost. Does that kind of make any sense? 

I guess moving on for me would be to not think about her constantly all the time in a sad way; but moreso be at peace with her death and accept that she's not alive in her body, but alive in spirit and still with me. It's really easy to type out my "goal" but to acheive it is very much harder than it sounds.

Thanks for you reply and help! It seriously means a lot to be on these forums and talk to other people going through similar situations. 

On 9/10/2018 at 11:44 AM, KayC said:

Noah,

I am so sorry you met someone you grew to love and lost her to death all too soon, very very hard.  I believe wholeheartedly that you could possibly meet someone you could love again...I can begin to understand why she didn't let you know she had cancer, maybe she just didn't know how, maybe she was in denial herself, it's conjuncture at best to try to figure that out.  I have learned to take the good and continue with it...to know the good things she brought to your life and savor those things within you, those are the things that changed us because of having had them in our lives.

Jeff is so right, we're all unique, we traverse this in our own unique ways.  

I wrote this from what has helped me in my journey, and am hoping you'll print and read it every few months because something will hit you now and something else on down the road, and though it may not all speak to you, don't rule anything out just yet, some of it may stay on the back burner until you're ready.

 

 

I should most definitely print this out!! Thank you for providing these!! 

Thanks for your reply as well, it is definitely the most difficult thing I am having to face. I'm at the point in my life where the young arrogance is there and says "Nothing bad can happen to me, this is the beginning of my life and I am young! " But, I took for granted my time with her, and never thought something like this would ever happen because we were both so young. It's just a reminder that we should all appreciate the gift of life everyday, and not to take it for granted. 

I also hope I can meet someone again, since again, I'm just at the beginnings of my journey. But, I think you're right in the way that she didn't want to let me know. I also think it was because she didn't want to worry me (she was a very selfless person) and she just wanted to spend the time with me while she had it. I guess if she would have told me, things wouldn't have been the same between us and I would always be thinking/saying about how much I'm going to miss her, or there has to be something we could do, or things like that. We would be focusing too much on those kind of things; rather than spending genuine time together. At least that's my theory. 

I just wish it wouldn't have happened, but there's nothing I could do obviously. You're also right in the sense that it is a good thing to do to embrace the things she has given me. She definitely taught me skills and things I won't ever forget. 

I hope to share more thoughts of mine in the forums, and to continue to get help when I need it. Thanks to you all and many hugs.

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On 9/9/2018 at 10:21 PM, Noah said:

 I recently lost my first love, who I thought was going to be my one love.... to braincancer... She was only 23 and we had only met a year ago and a half ago.... and since that time we have grown extremely close to eachother. I felt like we had a relationship that was truly and uttermostly genuine, and that she was truly my one and only soulmate. It was by accident that we started out as friends and then we ended up falling in love with eachother, at the time I wasn't even interested in finding a Gf yet, as I'm only 19. But, that first feeling of heart-warming love she gave me when she told me how much she really liked me...is a feeling that I cannot forget; and now it's a feeling that I can never get back.

It was in June where she was planning on visiting me for the summer, that she passed away without my knowledge to brain cancer. She was apparrently diagnosed with it in January and it was deemed terminal and she had only 6 months to live. And yet... she didn't tell me she had cancer!! I didn't even know she had it until she was gone. I cried for days upon days questioning why she had to go at such a young age, and why did it have to be her? Why didn't she tell me??  Why do I have to live without her? Yes, I even thought about suicide myself... but I got a lot of suicidal support... thankfully I am still here. 

Her loss is nothing like I have ever felt. I didn't think dealing with the death of someone you love so much would hurt SO much. Even 3 months later... there are days where I feel like my life is nothing if I can't share it with her, and there are days where I think the pain has healed... but it has not.

I just feel like I can never have a relationship ever again, because she fell in love with me because of who I am..... I just feel empty.. and alone.  I don't really have much friends, and it's really hard for me to talk to people... I am just tired of putting a "happy face" on the outisde, when everything on the inside is pure sadness... I just miss her so much. Everyday, Every minute, Every second....  I don't mean to say this out of dissrepect to her, but my big question is... will I ever meet someone like her again?  

Noah,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems I'm not the only one who's lost a partner at such a young age to something that couldn't be helped recently. I'm about a week in after my partner passed, and I have to admit that I'm going through the exact same thing as you, alongside many others here.

As part of grief, we will often ask "why, why them? Why me?" and do delve into thoughts of suicide. I'm glad that you used your intuition and sought help. Your partner wouldn't have been pleased to see you so soon! Especially if she knew that you deserve a life worth living. Perhaps your partner didn't want to worry you; mine certainly didn't with her ordeals she was dealing with behind closed doors. But don't think it's ever your fault, ever. There are just some things that cannot be helped nor answered, no matter how many times you ask "why?".

I'm feeling the same, feeling like there's nothing I will not and cannot do without my partner; that emptiness and not having many close. You will find days where you're fine throughout the day, and then you wake up feeling lost. I want to tell you that this is normal during grief, and it will soften with time. It ebbs and flows, going one step forward, and then one step back another day. But after that, you can walk yourself forward steadily.

Allow yourself to grieve, be sad for as long as your body, mind, heart and soul needs. There is no time limit to how long you grieve, but if it affects your daily life more than it should, for example where you're struggling to do even the simplest of things, or becoming more accident prone and lethargic, I highly recommend you see a specialist so that they can help you through. 

As for finding someone else, your partner would not want you to shut your heart off completely, and would not settle for anything less than the way she loved and cared about you. It will take some time to heal, and it may be months, years, Noah, but you must remember that it's going to take time. Remember to breathe, seek help, support and comfort wherever possible. I've found that the community on this forum are very helpful and considerate, as they are going or have been through the same as us. They will offer their support and things that you can do, and what we are experiencing is nothing out of the ordinary.

Take everything slowly, steadily, and as my partner would say, "take one step at a time". 

All my thoughts and prayers.

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DutchessWithaT
39 minutes ago, Noah said:

 

Thanks for your reply as well, it is definitely the most difficult thing I am having to face. I'm at the point in my life where the young arrogance is there and says "Nothing bad can happen to me, this is the beginning of my life and I am young! " But, I took for granted my time with her, and never thought something like this would ever happen because we were both so young. It's just a reminder that we should all appreciate the gift of life everyday, and not to take it for granted. 

I also hope I can meet someone again, since again, I'm just at the beginnings of my journey. But, I think you're right in the way that she didn't want to let me know. I also think it was because she didn't want to worry me (she was a very selfless person) and she just wanted to spend the time with me while she had it. I guess if she would have told me, things wouldn't have been the same between us and I would always be thinking/saying about how much I'm going to miss her, or there has to be something we could do, or things like that. We would be focusing too much on those kind of things; rather than spending genuine time together. At least that's my theory. 

I just wish it wouldn't have happened, but there's nothing I could do obviously. You're also right in the sense that it is a good thing to do to embrace the things she has given me. She definitely taught me skills and things I won't ever forget. 

I hope to share more thoughts of mine in the forums, and to continue to get help when I need it. Thanks to you all and many hugs.

Noah , ( that's my 3rd sons name too but he's 31) I am very sorry for your loss at this young age but I see a blessing here too in your words . That even though this earthly connection was brief look at all you learned . I am proud of you . 

 Some people never make it past the stage of thinking nothing can/will happen to them and actually miss out on what life is all about ," She taught me skills and things I won't ever forget " So even though she is not here in body she IS here in all that she gave you in lessons and skills . I see the word hope also , which is a good thing . You are going to go down a lot of paths in this life and she will be there as those skills grow and you have to use them . You relationships with people will be better and deeper because at such a young age you are now very aware of how fragile life is and how every day should count .

 One day at a time and don't rush yourself  , we are all going down this rough road together and it takes a lot of plain old time to relearn how to adjust to our new normal .

Love and light to you 

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I love how you are all helping each other, even in the depths of your own pain, that is what this forum is all about, going through this together.

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On 9/11/2018 at 12:16 PM, MumbleBear said:

Noah,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems I'm not the only one who's lost a partner at such a young age to something that couldn't be helped recently. I'm about a week in after my partner passed, and I have to admit that I'm going through the exact same thing as you, alongside many others here.

As part of grief, we will often ask "why, why them? Why me?" and do delve into thoughts of suicide. I'm glad that you used your intuition and sought help. Your partner wouldn't have been pleased to see you so soon! Especially if she knew that you deserve a life worth living. Perhaps your partner didn't want to worry you; mine certainly didn't with her ordeals she was dealing with behind closed doors. But don't think it's ever your fault, ever. There are just some things that cannot be helped nor answered, no matter how many times you ask "why?".

I'm feeling the same, feeling like there's nothing I will not and cannot do without my partner; that emptiness and not having many close. You will find days where you're fine throughout the day, and then you wake up feeling lost. I want to tell you that this is normal during grief, and it will soften with time. It ebbs and flows, going one step forward, and then one step back another day. But after that, you can walk yourself forward steadily.

Allow yourself to grieve, be sad for as long as your body, mind, heart and soul needs. There is no time limit to how long you grieve, but if it affects your daily life more than it should, for example where you're struggling to do even the simplest of things, or becoming more accident prone and lethargic, I highly recommend you see a specialist so that they can help you through. 

As for finding someone else, your partner would not want you to shut your heart off completely, and would not settle for anything less than the way she loved and cared about you. It will take some time to heal, and it may be months, years, Noah, but you must remember that it's going to take time. Remember to breathe, seek help, support and comfort wherever possible. I've found that the community on this forum are very helpful and considerate, as they are going or have been through the same as us. They will offer their support and things that you can do, and what we are experiencing is nothing out of the ordinary.

Take everything slowly, steadily, and as my partner would say, "take one step at a time". 

All my thoughts and prayers.

This is a very comforting and wise post MumbleBear. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your partner merely a week ago! It is definitely not a very good feeling when your partner leaves you at a young age; mainly because you have an entire life to go through that you thought you were going to spend with them...

I see now that she wouldn't have been too pleased to see me so soon huh? All I kept thinking about was being with her in some way, but of course, now I see that is definitely not the right thing to do nor think about. There are times though, that I just wish I could hear her voice... or see her in some sort of way. Definitely there was nothing I could do, and things like that just happen, there were times where I blamed myself, but as of now about 3 months in, I am realizing that it had nothing to do with me; that it was just something bound to happen no matter what I did. 

For sure I get those same feelings as you do, so I understand what you mean when one day feeling lonely and empty, and other days are fine. This whole grieving process gets tiring after a while, so when the days where the pain is softened come around, it'll be a relief in some sort of way. 

I'll definitely keep that in mind, as before I used to deny myself the time to greive; that I should be happy and just forget about it. But, boy was that harder than just actually taking the time to greive. 

The last paragraph you wrote hit me where I live most. Because I can remember Mila (that's her name) sharing with me to always be happy...., like she never wanted to see me sad or to never shut myself out from people and to keep my heart open and cheery. So I can pratically hear her saying not to close my heart off for a possible relationship years from now, because she wouldn't like to see that.. 

Thank you for your message. It really means a lot. 

On 9/11/2018 at 12:52 PM, DutchessWithaT said:

Noah , ( that's my 3rd sons name too but he's 31) I am very sorry for your loss at this young age but I see a blessing here too in your words . That even though this earthly connection was brief look at all you learned . I am proud of you . 

 Some people never make it past the stage of thinking nothing can/will happen to them and actually miss out on what life is all about ," She taught me skills and things I won't ever forget " So even though she is not here in body she IS here in all that she gave you in lessons and skills . I see the word hope also , which is a good thing . You are going to go down a lot of paths in this life and she will be there as those skills grow and you have to use them . You relationships with people will be better and deeper because at such a young age you are now very aware of how fragile life is and how every day should count .

 One day at a time and don't rush yourself  , we are all going down this rough road together and it takes a lot of plain old time to relearn how to adjust to our new normal .

Love and light to you 

(really? Cool! =) ) 

You make very very true points Witha; things that I didn't even realize. This is a very heart warming message!! I really agree with that she may not be here in body, but she is most definitely still here with the life lessons she gave me. It is very sweet to know that she will be there with me; to help guide me...  I seriously do hope that what I learn now will help me in the future, and that she'll still be here with me in my toughest times. Life is definitely something so very precious. It's comforting to know that we're all in this together, as this is a very very hard road to travel. 

Thank you all for the love and prayers! It seriously means a lot to someone like me. 

 

 

But, I am going to admit that today is an especially hard day for me. As today is her birthday.... And I don't know if I should be happy for her... or sad without her, because I can remember giving her birthday presents a year ago today.... which seems like an eternity ago... What really gets me down at the moment is.... I just wonder where our relationship would have been today if it were still here.. That's the part that brings tears to my eyes; like it just seems like such a big loss, and such a tragety at the moment. I bought a peice of cake to eat tonight, since she was a really good baker to help "celebrate" her birthday... but again, it just seems empty and hollow. But, I am doing my best to think of her Bday as a positive day. 

 

 

 

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Noah,

I like to think our loved ones are close by watching over us and I wrote this about it.

 

I Am Always Here.

When you feel the smallest of breezes it comes from my wings as I

come close to give you a kiss. I may not be here in person but my

spirit hovers close by as I watch over you. Remember you are loved. KB

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On ‎9‎/‎9‎/‎2018 at 9:58 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

There is no right or wrong.  Water finds its own level, and I have a feeling that this kind of thing does, also.  You can't force it. 

@Jeff In Denverbeautiful!

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3 hours ago, Noah said:

This is a very comforting and wise post MumbleBear. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your partner merely a week ago! It is definitely not a very good feeling when your partner leaves you at a young age; mainly because you have an entire life to go through that you thought you were going to spend with them...

I see now that she wouldn't have been too pleased to see me so soon huh? All I kept thinking about was being with her in some way, but of course, now I see that is definitely not the right thing to do nor think about. There are times though, that I just wish I could hear her voice... or see her in some sort of way. Definitely there was nothing I could do, and things like that just happen, there were times where I blamed myself, but as of now about 3 months in, I am realizing that it had nothing to do with me; that it was just something bound to happen no matter what I did. 

For sure I get those same feelings as you do, so I understand what you mean when one day feeling lonely and empty, and other days are fine. This whole grieving process gets tiring after a while, so when the days where the pain is softened come around, it'll be a relief in some sort of way. 

I'll definitely keep that in mind, as before I used to deny myself the time to greive; that I should be happy and just forget about it. But, boy was that harder than just actually taking the time to greive. 

The last paragraph you wrote hit me where I live most. Because I can remember Mila (that's her name) sharing with me to always be happy...., like she never wanted to see me sad or to never shut myself out from people and to keep my heart open and cheery. So I can pratically hear her saying not to close my heart off for a possible relationship years from now, because she wouldn't like to see that.. 

Thank you for your message. It really means a lot. 

I'm glad that you're finding the supportive community helpful here, and that you're actually still doing well. What we are all going through is rather courageous, and these instances often make us a little more wiser, stronger, and allows us to do a wee bit of soul searching. I'm currently in that phase of grieving - yes I still miss Kelly (partner/wife), a few mementos do sink my heart a little bit, but it's about learning to pace yourself with such things. I'm craving her mind and soul still, and that's when I look at things that pertain to her. If it's too much, I stop. But the good news is I'm smiling at photos rather than feeling down-trodden. I hope that you're finding your way through too, Noah. With things like that, though, it's about pacing yourself. Little bits at a time.

Be safe.

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6 hours ago, Noah said:

But, I am going to admit that today is an especially hard day for me. As today is her birthday.... And I don't know if I should be happy for her... or sad without her, because I can remember giving her birthday presents a year ago today.... which seems like an eternity ago... What really gets me down at the moment is.... I just wonder where our relationship would have been today if it were still here.. That's the part that brings tears to my eyes; like it just seems like such a big loss, and such a tragety at the moment. I bought a peice of cake to eat tonight, since she was a really good baker to help "celebrate" her birthday... but again, it just seems empty and hollow. But, I am doing my best to think of her Bday as a positive day. 

It's so hard to know how to do those days...even though I've been at this 13 years, I still don't feel I know what to do with our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and his death day will always be hard for me.  But I'm inclined to want to celebrate his birthday even though he's not here with me to do it, because it's the day he came into this world, so that makes it very special to me.  Unfortunately, five days later is his death day and that's always on my mind.  Sigh.  Alas these days may always be hard, but I carry special memories with it too...if he were here, we'd be camping on his birthday.  

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On 9/16/2018 at 12:33 PM, KatB said:

Noah,

I like to think our loved ones are close by watching over us and I wrote this about it.

 

I Am Always Here.

When you feel the smallest of breezes it comes from my wings as I

come close to give you a kiss. I may not be here in person but my

spirit hovers close by as I watch over you. Remember you are loved. KB

Now that is definitely wonderful Kat! ^^ You write some really pretty things!! Sometimes knowing that she's an angel out there, warms my heart. 

On 9/16/2018 at 3:26 PM, MumbleBear said:

I'm glad that you're finding the supportive community helpful here, and that you're actually still doing well. What we are all going through is rather courageous, and these instances often make us a little more wiser, stronger, and allows us to do a wee bit of soul searching. I'm currently in that phase of grieving - yes I still miss Kelly (partner/wife), a few mementos do sink my heart a little bit, but it's about learning to pace yourself with such things. I'm craving her mind and soul still, and that's when I look at things that pertain to her. If it's too much, I stop. But the good news is I'm smiling at photos rather than feeling down-trodden. I hope that you're finding your way through too, Noah. With things like that, though, it's about pacing yourself. Little bits at a time.

Be safe.

Definitely, this community for sure was more awesome than I was expecting.

I agree with your words, greiving was/is so much more difficult than imagined it. I do still think of her in almost every situation; whether it's in a happy way, or a longing way; almost to the point where I'm just tired of thinking about her in all honesty. It's great to hear that the pictures you have of Kelly are starting to bring a smile to your face; rather than sadness! I suppose I'm still in the middle of things, sometimes they make me happy, but other times I still wish I could have her beside me. 

Thank you for your input! I'm slowing finding a way, it will of course take a large amount of time, but one day I hope to be at peace with her! 

On 9/16/2018 at 6:55 PM, KayC said:

It's so hard to know how to do those days...even though I've been at this 13 years, I still don't feel I know what to do with our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and his death day will always be hard for me.  But I'm inclined to want to celebrate his birthday even though he's not here with me to do it, because it's the day he came into this world, so that makes it very special to me.  Unfortunately, five days later is his death day and that's always on my mind.  Sigh.  Alas these days may always be hard, but I carry special memories with it too...if he were here, we'd be camping on his birthday.  

I more or less spent her birthday in a mixture of happiness/sadness. I knew that she would most definitely like to see me happy, but it is of course, much easier said than done. 13 years, gosh, that's a very long time, and I thought 4 months felt like eternity because I can still remember, on these days last year, what we were doing and I never would have known that a year later I'd be alone. 

That sounds sweet to camp on his birthday. I get those thoughts all the time too, like what would we be doing if she were still around? I think I'm more in a phase where I'm more saddened by what we never got to do; rather than her actual passing at the moment...because I had so many many things I would have loved to do and experience with her. I just still feel so alone. But, I am trying my best to meet some new friends so I can have some company; I'm usually an introverted person that likes my alone space, but now it helps give me comfort; whether it's in person or online, I don't like to be bymyself too often anymore. Sometimes, I am really scared to share my pain with others though... because I don't want to look like some person that's begging for attention, or just using her passing as a way to get attention... 

 

But, anyways, I guess the reason I am late on replys is that a great/ also really teary thing happened this week or so. You see despite me being a sterotypical broke college student, I donated $150 of my money to the American Cancer Society in honor of her. So then, I got a letter in the mail from them; and it stated that the letter I received was for Mila and that a donation has been made in remeberence of her life. Two thoughts came into my mind at once. My first thought, was a happy/proud feeling, in that I was able to at least give to her still in someway, while helping many others who have cancer. Of course, the letter ended making me cry.... because a letter can't bring her back, a letter with her name on it, instead of me saying her name, a letter that signified she was no longer her. And I guess the reality of the situation really made me break down. Luckily I had a friend over at the time, and he gave me lots of comfort; but gosh... it's just really.. meloncholic to think about.

That here I am holding a letter with her name; when just a year ago I was holding a rose to give to her. 

But, that's why I am trying to focus on the positives and the great things that she has given me in her life; rather than just being depressed about it. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions these past couple of weeks, but sometimes it just doesn't hurt to let them out every once in a while. 

 

hugs for all! ^^

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1 hour ago, Noah said:

 

I more or less spent her birthday in a mixture of happiness/sadness. I knew that she would most definitely like to see me happy, but it is of course, much easier said than done. 13 years, gosh, that's a very long time, and I thought 4 months felt like eternity because I can still remember, on these days last year, what we were doing and I never would have known that a year later I'd be alone. 

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn't matter how long you know someone if you love them. Remember I told you about my husband and I married after being together for 4 months and it lasted 21 years. Love does not have a time schedule or limit, it just happens. One day you will be able to look back on those memories you have of her and it might even make you smile.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. 

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Noah, this is indeed very emotional and no surprise that you teared up!  That was very sweet that you did that, it hasn't been that many years when my son was a broke college student, it takes some creativity to make it through college!  So your gift was sacrificial and meaningful.

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On ‎9‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 1:33 PM, KatB said:

Noah,

I like to think our loved ones are close by watching over us and I wrote this about it.

 

I Am Always Here.

When you feel the smallest of breezes it comes from my wings as I

come close to give you a kiss. I may not be here in person but my

spirit hovers close by as I watch over you. Remember you are loved. KB

@KatB perfect. I just care across this after posting "and grief hits."  I guess that was the signal with the rain this morning.  

Your writing is beyond exquisite!!! The poetry! 

 

 

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