Losing my Father.

[EmilyAlice]

I'm watching my father deteriorate in front of me. 

We found out around six years ago that he has a 'life limiting' illness that they called 'terminal' - but they gave him at least nine years left to live. That should have given me three more years with him but recently, he's beginning to lose his memory and I can just see him slipping away slowly, and it's breaking my heart and I don't know how to cope. He's forgetting little things that he's done every single day - like shutting the doors so the animals can't get out of the front door or even forgetting easy things like what day it is and how to tell the time. It's scaring me a lot, because I thought i'd have so much more time with him but now it's dawning on me that i'm not going to have a dad to walk me down the isle or have a father daughter dance with at my wedding. I'm terrified he's going to forget who his family is all together - I just don't know how to cope with it. I thought that I had prepared myself for the worst but it turns out I haven't - and now at a time when I should be sleeping it's just hit me that i'm going to lose him. I really don't know how to cope. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

EmilyAlice,

My heart hurts for you. I’m experiencing this with my father as well and just lost my mother. I was her caregiver and now I’m staying with my dad watching him deteriorate and do lots of things that make no sense, forgetting things, being frantic, panick attacks, devastated that my mom is gone and crying every day. I’m doing my best to help him, but feel it’s not enough. I wish I could offer good advice on how to cope, but I feel my adrenaline is what has kept me going. I try to compartmentalize as much as possible to get things done and feel like I’m spinning alot of the time. For me, I’ve been in emergency mode for months and just started the thoughts of my mom won’t be there for...EVERYTHING. All my moments and the things we were supposed to do together. I cry alot. I miss her with every cell in my body. I tell you that so you know there are those of us who feel it too. We care about what you’re going through. I listened to Louise Hay when I would get ready in the morning to try and focus on what I needed to do to help my family and myself that day. The best thing you can try and do is stay in the present moment and when you’re mind wants to go to that panicked futurizing place, try and refocus on th task in front of you. Just giving him care and love, even though your heart is breaking. Easier said than done, I know. Also, cry when you need to. It’s so warranted and you can’t hold that in. All you can do is your best, so when you look back on everything you know that you gave your all to him. Praying for you.