I don't know when will I ever feel better

[honeyyko08]

My baby sam died yesterday because of dehydration/ hypovolemic shock. It was so sudden. I have a newborn baby so I can no longer sleep with him but for the last 6 years, I kept on cuddling him and my attention was all on him. I felt guilty on losing him. After giving birth, i had given him only few times a day unlike before. It hurts so much. I cried so much but the pain is never lessened. I have moments with him in every corner of our house. 2 days before he died, we brought him to vet. He had several tests and was given with lots of medications. At night, he vomited everything he ate including the meds. The next day I sent a message to his vet about him throwing up everything I feed him until he vomited blood. We brought him to several vet clinics but unfortunately there were no doctors available because it was sunday. I decided to sleep on the floor with him that night. I monitored him and gave him water with ors every now and then. I kept on lifting him anywhere he stayed and placed him beside me. I hugged him all night but I  noticed that he can't fall asleep beside me. So I just let him stay where he  can be comfortable. At 2am I noticed him rubbing his tummy on floor like he couldn't walk anymore. I told my husband about it. At 2:20am I looked at him liked he was peacefully asleep so I was a bit happy knowing he was resting well but when i looked closer he was wet with his pee. I panicked and lifted him. He was still warm and soft but lifeless. My world fell apart. I cried so hard that I woke everyone in our house including my newborn. I can't let go of his body. He was my everything. My best friend, my love, my child and my soulmate. I don't know when will I ever feel complete again. I feel like a part of me was taken away. As if my heart was broken into pieces. It hurts soooo much. How will i ever get over with this feeling? I don't think i will ever feel whole again without him.

[Kastine]

I’m so so sorry for your tragic loss.  The loss of a being so close to our souls is unbearable.  There are no words that I can say to you now that will ease ur sorrow only that we, here on this forum are here for each other.  We all completely understand the feelings you are going through and are here to help you through this awful time.  My loss has been 2 months now and I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same as the day it happened...u will have better days to come, as the age old cliche rings...with time you will heal...but even though you couldn’t spend the time with him as u once did because of the baby... know that he knew how much you loved him ... continue to talk to him if that helps any...his spirit will carry on and u will be together again one day!

lots of love and light to you!

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you, I know how close you feel to him because that's how I feel with my dog and I know someday soon I'll be facing more loss again, it's very hard.  We are blessed to have had them in our lives with us, it's all too short, and grief seems to be the price we pay for that love.  Know you'll be with him again and he knows how much you love him.

 

[honeyyko08]

Thank you for your replies. I can never see life the same way again. He was my superhero and one of my inspirations. There is nothing that can make me feel better. My smiles and laughters with my daughter are all fake. I can never be complete again. I love him so much and i miss him so so much. It really hurts a lot.... Please please please tell me how to ease the pain. It hurts more and more each day...

[Eman]

Please take a look at my post i feel the same way u do i just lost my cat that was my everything i feel like my life ended 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, honeyyko08 said:

Thank you for your replies. I can never see life the same way again. He was my superhero and one of my inspirations. There is nothing that can make me feel better. My smiles and laughters with my daughter are all fake. I can never be complete again. I love him so much and i miss him so so much. It really hurts a lot.... Please please please tell me how to ease the pain. It hurts more and more each day...

I don't know of any way to ease the pain other than give it time.  We must bear with it, time does lessen the intensity as we begin to adjust to the changes it means to our lives.  I've had so many losses, not only my pets but my husband, parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, friends, it goes on and on.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  We carry our grief inside of us, we can (eventually) smile and enjoy life, I know it seems unbelievable to you right now, but we do in time, but always carry this grief with us too, kind of a sadness inside of us, a missing them.  Anything can trigger grief bursts, right now you're dealing with the triggers from changes in routines, which is a big trigger.  It takes time for those routines to change to where we no longer expect them to come through the door or feel it's time to feed them.  I lost my cat, Miss Mocha, June 3, 2016, it was the longest time before I quit expecting her to show up at the patio door.  I still miss her and it's been over two years.  The pain lessens with time, but I know getting through it in the here and now is hard.  Hang in there.

[honeyyko08]

Thank you @KayC...you are a great help here. I tried to lift my mood today a lot of times but still end up crying. I had to undergo every stage of grieving to be fine again. You are right, I got used to our eveyday routine esp. when he stares at me asking for food or when he wants me to lift him up and rub his tummy. I know someday, I'll get better. I will deal with the pain now.no matter how hard it is..i believe that he will be reincarnated and will come back to me. I know i sound crazy but that thinking makes me feel better and hopeful for the next day.

[Beatriz]

I am terribly sorry for your loss - as KayC said above we just have to go through this devastating pain, there is no other way. We are changed, our lives are changed forever. I was prostrated for a long time before I managed to respond to daily duties. What I did was to lower my expectations that I should be properly functioning - yet there were things I had to do and other people depending on me. I used the old and silly trick of “fake till you make it” and I gave people plenty of warnings so that they too would lower their expectations towards my performance. I do not know if this can help you, but it helped me to some extent. And I also shamelessly resorted to distractions - they did not always work ( I developed a very short attention span ) but when they did, I experienced some relief. How can we not miss them and the joy they bring? Sam, Miss Mocha, my Preta and my Tripps - the love is the same and so is the grief.

[honeyyko08]

Thank you @Beatriz .i am sorry for ur loss too. This forum made me realized that soon i'll feel better than today thought it may seem so impossible for now because of too much love that i have for him. I prayed that he's running free now in heaven with all other dogs. Our pets loved us unconditionally and they have pure hearts and souls that made me think they have a better life now and pain free. I still miss him so much and still trying to get though day by day. Hopefully i will be free from pain someday. 

[KayC]

Five years ago September 1st, I lost my granddoggy, Skye.  I don't know how to describe Skye but he was special.  He was simple but so happy-happy!  So guileless.  And he loved his grandma!  He lived with me half his life, with or without my son, there were times my son would be working for months in NY and I'd have Skye with me.  I also had him a whole summer when my son had his honeymoon.  So to say we were close is an understatement.  Skye would feel upset when my son was gone too long and he'd get into the mail on the table and shred it, so I got a box and filled it with wadded up newspapers.  These were for Skye to tear up his aggressions on, and he caught on quickly!  My son rolled his eyes at it, but I chided him and reminded him would he rather have torn up mail or newspapers?!  When I'd come home from work to shredded newspaper on the floor, never mind, scoop it up and throw it in the fireplace, no harm done!  And I'd known Skye had a hard day.  

Now when I see wadded up newspaper it tears at my heartstrings.  I'd give anything to pick up those shreds again.  I miss my grandbaby, he was a wonderful dog.  I have him buried out back in my yard and got him a tombstone.  I've loved my other granddoggies, but there will never be another Skye.

We can adjust to our new life in time where the pain doesn't cut us so great, but there is always that missing them.

[honeyyko08]

@KayC i think the length of time with our pets doesn't matter on how much we are attached to them. It's the memories we had with them that made the relationship stronger and unforgettable. I still can't function normally. Sam is buried at our backyard too. So everytime i open our kitchen window, i say hi to him then will start crying again. Everyday is still a painful day. I wonder how my mother deal with this loss too. I hope she'll get over with this faster than me.

[KayC]

Ahh, my heart bleeds for you.  I know the pain.  I think about Skye too when I look out on my back yard.  It's where my dog Lucky and cat King George are buried...and where I scattered my husband's ashes.  My kids call it "the family burial plot."  It's where I want my ashes scattered someday too.  This is the place where I have a million memories with those I love.

[Eman]

Hello @honeyyko08 just found this video and I think it will help u understand some thingsas it did to me 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7QGpX66tbUg&t=0s&list=LLdQaWUexw9mKOlCxDerBnXw&index=2

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss of Sam. Your story was so painful, of course you're in shock. All of it happened so fast. I won't go into my story but I know the gut wrenching grief you are in. It is incredibly painful and it takes our minds a while to deal with the loss. I did not function for a few weeks well at all. I can't imagine having a baby to take care of so you have extra added needs for your time. 

I too felt like my heart was broken (I swear if a heart could literally break mine would have). I am just over a year now from the loss of my wonderful cat and to continue the analogy my heart is healed but there is still a big crack in it. You just never "get over" that bond and that love. You learn to accept and deal with a life without them. I am there now, and I wish you peace and I promise it will come. 

[KayC]

AJW, it doesn't seem a whole year since I met you and heard your story...but then it's hard to believe it's been over two years since my Miss Mocha disappeared.  Somehow we get through this, one day at a time.

[AJWCat]

I know @KayC it is crazy. I have learned so much in this year. I also didn't realize Miss Mocha was only gone that short of time when I came here. 

[honeyyko08]

Thank you so much @Eman, @KayCand @AJWCat .i don't think I will ever get through this. This evening a friend asked me how's my Sam ( he doesn't know what happened) and all the pain came back. It is still so painful that even crying for hours won't lessen it. I'm still trying my best to stay strong and act normal for my newborn baby. The pain still lingers. There's always this feeling that there's something wrong or lacking. The feeling of being incomplete. Will that feeling fade away with time? I miss him soooo bad...

[Eman]

@honeyyko08 same I can't do anything just cry for him.my friend took me to the animals store to buy some things and food for her cat and I couldn't buy anything I told her i feel guilty if i buy things while my booboom is not here anymore but I did bought food for my two cats .Also my mom want me to adopt a new white cat but I feel like I'm cheating on him by taking care of the new cat while I left him died

[AJWCat]

I remember that incomplete feeling. I had a whole range of crazy emotions: fear at first, a dark dark sadness... it does diminish... a tiny bit, very slowly... one day at a time. You do not think it is possible to live without them and certainly not be happy. You just learn to live with the grief and it somehow subsides.

I really hate seeing so many of you like this, I know right where you are because I was there.   

[Pam@Ilovemybeagle]

Hello Honeyyko08,

I felt so compelled to email you regarding your baby angel Sam. What a lovely little angel. He is so cute. I never refer to our little ones that passed away in past tense, because I do feel they are still with us, we just can't see them because they are in heaven (higher realm). I feel exactly as you do. It has been about a month and a half since I lost my little angel, Heidi (beagle). Everything in our home is as it was since she died. He kennel, her bed, her food and water dish and blankets are still where they are. I often smell her blankets  just to get her scent. I hold them and cry on them. I miss her so much that I cry every day and many times a day. Sometimes my chest hurts. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I ache for her so much. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Everyone here understands you and what you are going through. We are all here for you. Everyone says that in time, the pain will be more bearable. I am hoping so. 

Please know that your little Sam is watching over you and your newborn, and is patiently waiting to eventually see you on the other side. So much hugs!!

[honeyyko08]

@AJWCat thank you so much. I really hope it will diminish. Everyday is a challenge for me not to cry but I can't help it. I get so weak whenever I think about him. The love i have for him is unparalleled. But yes,one step at a time.

@Pam@Ilovemybeagle

When sam died, i asked my husband to throw everything that will remind me of him. Thank God, my mom saved his clothes. I took one of his stuff toys and put on his clothe on it. Every night I hug it and sometimes I talk to it as how I talk to Sam. I know I sound crazy but it makes me feel better somehow.

[Pam@Ilovemybeagle]

Believe you me, you don’t sound crazy!! You have to do whatever it takes to help yourself through this grief. Also do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. I still talk to my Heidi out loud. But I do it when I am alone as some people do not understand. Grief can be so profound and devastating. The love I feel for my Heidi is the only way I can describe it is as if I personally gave birth to her. We share a bond that will last into eternity. You are not alone, big hugs!

[KayC]

honeyyko08

It's not crazy at all.  It's just one of the things we do when we grieve.  On my other grief site today a lady was mentioning she talked to her husband in the form of a cloud, but he didn't answer back...I told her to keep talking to the clouds and just because they have a hard time getting messages to us doesn't mean they don't hear us, they're trying.