My heart broke in so many pieces.

[Kana]

Pain is just too much.

When I was young it's always been me, my mom, my brother and my lovely cat Tsuki.
Eight years ago I moved to my boyfriend's city (which later became my husband) with my Tsuki. Barely three weeks after my move my brother died at the young age of 18... Suddenly. Pain was overwhelming. It was severe and it was very very hard to get through.
Somehow, I dunno how, but I managed to 'go on' through lots of years. Probably also thanks to my Tsuki which was the only 'piece of my family' that I could bring with me to my new home, kinda the only link I had to my previous life in my home city. (which is far from here) 

Time passed and two years ago me and my husband decided to take a dog, he especially wanted it so badly that I finally gave in (and I ended up loving this dog maybe even more than he did). We went to a shelter with the idea to take a puppy, like probably most of people does, but actually when we saw this adorable sweet 12 years old dog with her inseparable tennis ball, we just couldn't help it, we canceled the idea of the puppy and embraced Kira, this old lady. Our very best choice. Ever. I would choose her again over and over if I could go back in time. 

Last year, the year after we took Kira in, after 20 years together I lost Tsuki, my life companion and again it was painfully sad. Also because I had to take the horrible decision to give her the eternal sleep since her health was just too damaged.

Again, quite sure it was partly thanks to Kira, that helped me focusing on her needs and her love, and partly because spending 20 years together in the very last years I was already preparing myself at the idea that she couldn't live forever, so I managed to accept her death.

Around the same period Tsuki died, we started finding very bad health problems in Kira.. She had been discovered a not surgically removable damn tumor over the big vein that brings blood to her heart. We were powerless. The news of this health problem on Kira was huge on us.. but we didn't give up.
The minute we decided we wanted her, an already old dog (with normal life expectancy of 14-15 years, 16 at best for her race), we knew that health problems would have been part of the deal package, but THAT shitty tumor wasn't part of a normal elderly daily routine.
Initially it broke us.
Some vets said her current life expectancy wouldn't be past 5-6 months..
But a friend adviced me a better vet, so we changed twice, and the new one gave us a special diet (of a food that is supposed to 'feed the host first and the tumor last') and quite a few vitamins and stuff she had to take everyday.
6 months? Nope. An year has passed since that very bad news.
Til mid of July.. When she was starting developing few problems breathing.. I brought her right away to the vet and she told us our Kira was also suffering from Cushing syndrome. Of course. Because all the rest wasn't enough. But she couldn't prescript her any therapy for the moment because of other health problems she had, that we still had to deal with first. 
Along with that syndrome, vet also discovered from her x-rays that the shitty damn tumor shooted out some pretty nasty big metastasis into her lungs.. 
Vet said to keep her tongue color checked, that if it'd ever turn out towards blue or violet, we should bring Kira urgently to them to preferibly put her eternally sleeping.. Because the alternative would've been for her to die suffocated, which is probably one of the worstest deaths ever, vet said. And we of course didn't want that.
So summer was keeping on, the heat also wasn't helping with her breathing but she was strong. She was still holding on. And everyone that would see her would say 'man she looks fine, she doesn't look like having all the probs that she has..'

A couple of weeks past from the metastasis finding and her breath slowly worsened again, but her tongue color was still normal and breath itself still acceptable according to vet.
On the second week she started to have less appetite, which was quite unusual for her and this begun to ring the bell even more. We were very very worried. 
Meanwhile our holidays finally started, and on August 3rd we eventually managed to bring her to the lake, as she loved the water. And in fact, even if she was tired lately, the minute she saw the water she dived right in and stayed there, relaxing on the shore rocked by the small waves in complete peace. 

A bizzarre fact happened there. A black dog got near her, while she was bathing, he sniffed her, face to face and was quite curious about her for like a minute. (and it was quite weird, since she usually was scared of any dog, even puppies, but this time she didn't get away from him at all, she let him sniff her) After that his owner called him to keep on with their walk and he went away. However before that, his owner asked me if my dog was afraid of other dogs, because she told me that also his dog usually is always afraid of other dogs and it was very unusual for her to see him going near another dog by his choice. (Thinking back at this now it kinda makes me think that he maybe could have somehow felt that she was near her end, and maybe wanted to comfort her..) 

She stayed in the water like half an hour, she enjoyed her water time so much that we had to convince her to come out!
After that we were eating sandwiches and she showed us an appetite like she never did in the past few days.. So we gave her a few slices of ham (it was the only thing we had there) and she ate them in a very few seconds, very happy to eat.
This episode brought me some hope because it was a good signal her appetite returning...

We then went home, she was very tired but she was breathing well after the lake day, way better than her breathe of the recent days.
But.. No. Neither four hours after our return home she passed away...
Her death was very traumatic on me, I was alone at home in that moment and I ran against time (to the vet) after seeing her collapsing.
Vet told me that there was nothing they could do to reanimate her, even though he tried. He said that she didn't suffer because her tongue color was still good, and that she died due to a combo of collapsing between her lungs and her heart (and brain) not receiving anymore air ad shutting down. So she basically fainted before completely dying.

It broke me apart. Her death destroyed me.
Three weeks have passed now, since she left us but I still cry every single day. I can't catch my breath, my voice always shakes and tears don't stop. It hurts so much. The home is so damn empty, and my heart as well.
I miss her every minute of every day.
I dunno, I think It hurts more than with Tsuki because we could spend only 2 years with Kira. Two wonderful years, but  still only two. 

Now.. Trying to transform this undescrible pain into something positive, me and my husband wanted to adopt some other pet, since there are so many fluffy souls in need of a family out there.. 
And since we have always said that with time, after Tsuki and Kira we would have brought home another cat and dog with the intention of letting them grow up together, we went to a cat shelter with this idea in mind. We thought to start with the cat.

It was our last day of holidays, maybe the pressure of 'the last day we can go together' (because we work every day the shelter is opened and couldn't go there together outside of this last holidays day), maybe the idea which we always had, maybe I wasn't ready, maybe all of this together. But I dunno. Something went wrong, or better, something is very wrong with me.
We went to the cat shelter a week ago. We chose a cat, a very sweet one, he always wants cuddles, but the minute we took him I started feeling even worse. 
The first two days we had him I was almost going into depression, loosing appetite, crying even more and every trouble he'd make I was feeling more desperate.
Also maybe with the last 10 years spent with my previous cat I sort of got used to an old cat and somehow 'forgot' how much can be challenging a young one (this one is a little more than one year old) but yeah he is challenging. 
I tried to pull myself together and snap out of it after a couple of days but this bitter feeling still remains nowadays on background, and I don't know what's wrong with me but as I said, I think something is wrong with me. I can't bring myself loving him as much as I did with my previous cat. Also I'm still desperate everytime he makes a trouble, and he does it lots of times during the day, everyday. (he also ruined something which was of my dog... Which made me cry.. Again. And besides the trouble he makes he's being challenging even more so because turns out he has quite a few health problems, between vet visits and medicines made me spend quite a lot already. In only one week. He also brought us fleas, which we are fighting, despite at the shelter they said it was impossible.) 

I don't know if it's because I wasn't ready for another cat yet, I thought I was, or if I'm just not fitted for cats anymore but even though (when he doesn't make troubles) he's all so cute and cuddle-cuddle and I like-ish him, part of me regrets having taken him in. I'm sorry, I'm probably a jerk but I don't know. Everyday I still mourn my dog, the loss is fresh. And the pain is just too big. 

Besides when no one is around in home he 'cries' and scratches the door, (cat shelter guys didn't tell me he was suffering the lack of humans presence this much) and of course both me and my husband work, so this part of the daily routine is not gonna change.
It's been a week now since we have him, and I still hope he will get used to this, but if he doesn't I don't know. (and frankly I'm not even sure if I can get use to him..) 
So now that I ironically suffer even more, I don't know if I did the right thing taking him in as he also suffers when no one is around.
I dunno what to do. I just know I feel helpless.
Did I do the wrong thing? Because part of me thinks I did. And I can't shake off this feeling. 
I miss my dog all the time... And when I look at the cat I feel like I can't love him as much as he'd deserve... Because he deserves lots of love, he's really sweet. I feel a horrible person.. 
What should I do? 

 

[KayC]

My last dog, Lucky, was highly trained and well behaved.  She died, and about 2 1/2 months later, I saw this perky dog smiling at me from the newspaper, a rescue dog.  I adopted him.  They told me he was age 2-7, housebroke, German Shepherd and Golden Retriever.  Nope, he's Siberian Husky and Golden Retriever.  They told me he weighed 63 lbs, which was 13 lbs over my limit, but I thought hey, what's 13 lbs.  The next day I took him to the vet and found out he wasn't even a year old and had four more years of growth and weighed in at 79 lbs, not 63!  He had Kennel Cough and Acute Chronic Colitis.  He also had separation anxiety.  And he wasn't house broken, he didn't appear to have any house manners and I doubt he'd ever been in a car or house unless you count the van he was picked up in.  He was very sick, he chewed on everything, even the trim on my house!  His chewing cost me well over $1,000 plus I paid $1,000 for someone to put a roof on his pen (he couldn't be in the rain with his being sick).  

You know what?  That dog turned out to be my "soul mate in a dog"!  He is the best companion, it was wonderful to come home to his smiling face, he has such a wonderful disposition.  My son, who owned Huskies, taught me some tricks about walking him (he got up to 140 lbs) and bought him a Halti.  His Colitis worsened over the years and we tried all kinds of dogfood, even the gastrointestinal dogfood from the vet, nope!  He couldn't tolerate the antibiotics they usually give for this either.  So I cook for him.  I found out what works for him and stick to it, he's lost down to his goal weight of 110 and maintains at that now.  Now he's 10 1/2 and I can't imagine my life without him.  I can assure you that first week I felt like giving up, I came down with the flu and I felt overwhelmed...I'm sure he felt the same way.  My son and best friend talked me in to giving him more time and I shudder to think now how I could have missed out knowing my soul mate and companion.  He's a good dog, he has separation anxiety and he sometimes gets over-stimulated outside and I've learned how to handle him when that happens.  We're a good team.  I'm so glad I didn't miss out on my goofy boy!  He's the smartest dog I've ever had, so funny, so sweet, so loving!

I want to encourage you to give it the effort...make sure you aren't judging because the new one is different from the one you lost.  It helps to get to know and love them for the qualities THEY bring to the table, even though they're nothing like the other one was.  It takes opening your heart and letting them in.

But if, after a month or so, you're no further along, it might be best to re-home, after all, every animal deserves the best home where they can be loved and cherished for who they are.  Kittens and puppies are more work than an older one, but the rewards can be great too.  I wish I'd been able to have my Arlie when he was younger.  It only took me two weeks to housebreak him, a year for him to quit chewing everything in sight.  Yep, he got my furniture too...but there's no furniture in the world worth as much as he is!

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  I know how painful it is losing our pets, it takes time to heal.  Maybe you jumped the gun in getting another one, but if you give it a chance, it could turn out alright anyway.  Do let us know how it goes and what you decide to do.  You're not a horrible person, you're grieving, and maybe feeling a little overwhelmed too.  (((hugs)))

[Beatriz]

I am so sorry for both your losses, Kana. And I do not think you did the wrong thing and trust you will do no wrong by this cat. But he ia a different cat and this is the beginning of yet another relationship. There is no way you can compare it to your previous relationships. Before my second cat died we adopted two kittens. We had lost one cat before, the one we still had with us was being treated for kidney disease and we thought the house was too sad and he would appreciate the company. He did not and died two weeks later. I was devastated - still am and missing both my cats desperately. My son took charge of the kittens. They have been with us for four months now. I used to say how sorry I felt I’d never love them the way I loved my cats whom lived with me for 18 years - I could not believe how messy and agitated they were ( they destroyed a carpet my cats kept intact for ten years and one of them broke my Preta’s favourite pot) and all I could see were the obvious differences between them and my cats. I also wondered if we had done the right thing bringing them home - I could not have done it after my Tripps died - I could see they sensed I was grieving and did not approach me much. This is gradually changing and I would say Kana, it will change for you too. I like having them around and wonder how my son would have coped if they weren’t. A week is too short a time to tell and he has not had a chance to settle in as yet.  Both you and him just need more time to adjust. Love grows, Kana. Do not put too much pressure on yourself and take a day at a time. I have faith in you.

[Kastine]

Oh kana... it is so difficult losing such a close soul and then getting another... I completely empathize.. I lost my soul dog on the 5th of July and have grieved over him so tremendously that my life with my partner starting failing... 2 weeks ago we decided to go to a shelter and a week ago we brought home max... my soul dog was an ‘older’ dog when I picked him (or should I say when he picked me) off the streets 4 years ago... max is also an ‘older’ dog at approximately 5 / 6 years old and Has lived his entire life in a shelter... this first week had been so difficult... I questioned the decision over and over again and felt that I had just disregarded the love of my life and the guilt was so bad all I wanted was my sweet boy back... max is a lot more hard work although very bright... over the passed couple days however I have become closer to max and it’s almost like my poopa gave me permission and now I feel it is okay for me to love max... he will never be my poopaloopa but he has so much love to give and is so appreciative of his new home and family... he is currently lying asleep on the bed with me... it took me a week to start having feelings similar to love (I haven’t yet been able to say I love you to him) and even though I miss my boy so terribly... I know I’ve done the right thing...

it will all work out for the best and perhaps to get you going in the right direction you should think the thought ‘at the very least you have given this cat a new ‘lease on life’ and be at peace with that... the rest will come... it worked for me anyway. 

love and light, all the best to the both of you!

kastine

[KayC]

Kana, 

How's it going?  I do remember how hard it was at first...you're in my thoughts.

[Kana]

Thanks everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your advices and encouragements..

Right now nothing changed, and yes as you guys said I feel overwhelmed. 
I decided to follow your suggestings and giving him more time for both me and him to settle in.

Meanwhile we went again to the vets (because apparently what the shelter guys told us, that he was feeling OK and all, was not true. Same with 'it's impossible he has fleas') turns out he has quite a lot of health problems already.
It's been a little more than a week now and between vet visits, medicines and anti fleas stuff, I already spent around 300$. The vet prescripted to feed him a few meds and antibyothics everyday for about a month, so for now I decided I'll give both of us another month and see how it goes. At least while we heal him. 

However, among the rest, he often cries during nights too, thankfully my husband has deep sleep and doesn't hear him but mine is quite a light sleep so I do hear him, he wakes me up and then I often can't sleep for quite a while (like tonight for example) and I'm so tired during the day. 

Other than that, troubles he makes are still quite a lot in the daily routine, which are definitely not a bright side also considering the gloomy mood I still am in, plus we used anti fleas products on both the cat and almost all over the home but right yesterday we found out he still has fleas. So we are still fighting against these too. 

Problems looks like piling up because besides all of this, today my mother in law also was brought to the hospital, again. She just got out from it a few weeks ago after three months in hospital and now the same bad situation again. 
I feel like I can't do it. So many damn problems one after the other at the very same time.
All of these concerns, all of these problems is like they never end. They are just completely draining the little strength I still had left in me. 

At least before, when similar stuff were happening, when I was returning home, my Kira was there welcoming me back with a huge smile on her face and her tail wagging just too fast to be seen and would fill my heart with happiness so that I could forget about any problem for a moment. I miss her too much. 
Now every place I go, every thing I do, remembers me of her and points out how she is not here with me anymore and breaks my heart all over again. 

And I have to go to work (working in a shop) everyday with all the customers saying stupid things about the happy holidays they think I had. And I'm not even correcting them anymore because when I do I either burst out crying or they are pretty insensitive and say stuff like 'it was just a dog'.
I need a damn break.

[Beatriz]

Kana, I am so sorry to hear about your trouble. First I’d say the best way to get rid of the fleas is by combing him? My cat could not have the anti fleas, it was too risk so the vet taught me to use the comb and I did so more than once a day. Despite the disgust of seeing and killing the fleas by pressing them against cotton with alcohol, this relaxed me particularly in the end when no fleas could be found. And my cat adored the combing. Maybe you’d give it a try?

Grieving is hard work and consumes all our energy. I was myself quite prostrated for months and found chores and conversations meaningless, mere trivia by comparison. Everything made me miss my cats more. It is amazing how much I came to rely on them also as sources of motivation to get by. Love is nourishing and love’s loss leaves us starved. Be gentle with yourself, it does get better but yes you need a break, if you can afford it. Giving people warnings may seem unkind but sometimes it is necessary. I resorted to it plenty.

You are not alone, Kana. ❤️

[KayC]

When I adopted Lucky, she was infested with fleas and right away they were hopping all over our carpet and we were all bit up.  I had to call Fleabusters to come out and do our house, it was a bit of expense but worth it, they eradicated the fleas and I've never had problems like that since.  Kitty is allergic to fleas and can't even tolerate one piece of flea dirt or she'll break out in scabs all over her body, not 1/4" untouched, so I'm pretty careful about it.  I use Advantage on cats and Comfortis on dogs...Spendy but it works.  I paid $18/pill for Comfortis from the vet but got it cheaper on eBay, only thing I know that keeps them away, Frontline stopped working on my dog.

Of course you're not going to feel the same with this new one as you did the one you lost, it takes a while for us to train them (or them to train us) and to feel that "fit", but as frustrating as it can be at first, it's well worth the effort in time.  At least that's how it's worked for me.  I've never had a dog that was more work and expense than Arlie was as a puppy, but oh gosh, I've never had a dog I was so close to or loved any more than him!  He is my soulmate in a dog and exactly what I needed...I'm very thankful I didn't give up on him.    He was a chewer, that's for sure!  I sleep in the living room so am near both my animals, I don't sleep "with" them, but in the same room and I think just having me here makes them feel safe and secure, but I'm older and do better sleeping in a recliner, breathing wise.  I wonder if you tried that for a while until he's used to it being home?  This is such a huge adjustment for him, he doesn't know what's going on or what to expect.  Have you tried putting a stuffed animal with him when he sleeps?  I've heard of some who had a hot water bottle in a furry cover, might try that, kind of like his mom.

[Kastine]

Hi Kana

im so sorry again about the utter heartbreak over your babies and I know how so very difficult it is to readjust to another one (all of us here do which makes this forum awesome in a sad way).  I was lucky that after I lost my soul dog my partner took me away for a week... oh gosh did that help... I can’t imagine what it would have been like had I had to go to work! It’s been only almost 2 months for me...really not a long time but I can assure you that the pain does subside gradually over time. I have found meditation to be a great healer for me as well. We go max just over a week ago and he is so different to my poopa ... so naughty in comparison and it had taken me this long to know that I am allowed to love him...here I am... heart completely shattered but able to still give another dog a loving warm home to live out his days in... give it some time .

we are here for you so please reach out whenever you’re feeling bad and we will help you as much as we can.

love and light to you 

kas