Members Sunflower2 Posted August 19, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 I'm posting in the midst of raw emotions.....they started at 6 with the visual of him dead....started laundry and thought I had the grief wave managed! Not so! This is the most difficult journey that I've experienced. Seriously!!! Regardless of my strengths and my profession...this journey is the worse. This is down and dirty and primitive!!!!! there are triggers !? the 1 year? not as numb so memories flooding every cell in my body! good memories yet the good memories have me curled up in a ball with such intensity that I'm being hit with the magnitude of the loss places and events bringing memeories the memories making me realize that now everything are just memories. He is really gone and I have nothing. yet that part of me knows I have much it just doesn't feel like it at this moment. all I had with him and what I myself created for myself seems so lost. poof gone!! no one sees me anymore in this intense grief moment except me and the therapist> I don't even know at this moment if he sees me or is with me because the pain is so intense. You read and hear and often believe they are with us. Well im not experiencing it this morning!!!! Suffering! I know there are no answers so Im not even asking. This suffering is to guide me to a new purpose? I understand in time...but not feeling it right now!!! Balancing out when to push or be still with the grief, For now what I know this is where I sit with the grief and feel it. The day may still blossom into a much lighter day one filled with a calm and gratitude. For now im sharing this dark space so those beginning this journey know we do feel lightness but we still have these moments, hours and days where we simply have to feel it in all its intensity, even my journaling experienced the tears the deep pain. My journal received the whys....knowing there are none...and I know the journal wont try to explain anything because it doesn't try to fix ...or explain,,,,it makes me feel and an bring awareness. If not today the awareness I allow will surface somtime today tomorrow next week a year from now. so what I believe is happening is the acceptance...an acceptance that kept figuring if it was time to surface..if it was time I was going to allow it to surface if not I stayed in numbness because that's where I needn't to be, I can distract with purposeless distractions but purposeless is not how I live so not starting now, this is what you all can read. its raw...no intellectualizing...im sure its in need of much editing but that would be purposeless at this time. I can revisit the edit button another time xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JBSC01 Posted August 20, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 Thank you for sharing, yes i totally feel you, it is the worst thing imaginable, the magnitude of this and pain is extreme, and the suffering is all too real. Lots of triggers. Yep even all the good happy memories hurt bad at this point. I dont know anything about lightness or acceptance as im only 4 months in and dont feel that part yet. Please never edit this, you should never edit your feelings or emotions, let them flow with all there glory. Let it be what it is RAW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenn4 Posted August 20, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 The journey really is tough because everything reminds me of what I lost... yes, some days I can be “happy” but no one sees me at my lowest. I save the hard cries when I’m alone at night and I don’t understand how I am in this situation. the good memories hurt, the bad memories feel like I’m being stabbed with a dull knife ... I hope you find some peace and know that you are not alone. This horrible journey we are on... one I wish none of us had to go through... sending you some positive vibes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 20, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 I'm sorry...we all are, we all know how those moments/days feel, been there! I live alone so others didn't see me "at my finest" either! Except when it hit in public, thankfully it was people I didn't have to see again. I'm sure they wondered about me. We can't know when those triggers will hit, not like we get advance warning, just have to ride them out. Like JBSC says, letting them flow, rawness and all. it doesn't feel like it's accomplishing anything, but it is, even this is part of our processing our grief. if it's any consolation, by the time you get as far out as I am, they rarely hit with this intensity...more like kind of a sadness we carry within us, even when we're having good moments, not that we're sad all the time, hard to explain unless you've been there, but more like you really do coexist with your grief. You are always conscious that they are gone, that your life has changed, it doesn't leave you. But I can still enjoy good moments, even with it, pretty hard to explain! And now, the good memories are just that...good memories. I can remember them now without the pain, it wasn't so in the early days/years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 working through grief....we each move through it differently. we have days of hope and even days of excitement and pleasure. in time the memories of our loved ones will sustain us as the memories become part of our ongoing lives. For now memories are painful but a few are beginning to bring that smile. I feel gratitude that I had such a person in my life yet it is partnered with such intense sadness and despair. I'm trying to get it to that place where I can release the fear when the feelings are turbulent. I are learning to be patient with the chaos surrounding me and within me. Again I'm learning. The death for a love, for most of us, will be the most profound emotional experience we will ever have to endure. Yet there are those dark holes we feel we won't be able to crawl out of. I could feel this hole opening up this morning. I did reach out to my one most dearest friend. She brought laughter into those feelings. Joyful laughter that didn't dismiss the feelings but calmed the storms and thoughts that were not productive because they were fear based. I completely revamped my day! Did my soak, showered and washed my hair. total pampering. dropped yoga and scheduled a nature walk with a friend after I do my necessary adulting. Banking and a simple marketing, I even treated myself to a good quality shampoo and conditioning that had been set aside for the past year. I was aware of the fear triggers which helped me move through them. sometimes I'm not aware of the immediate trigger or fear. the awareness may follow during that day or the next day or maybe a few days later. To have seen me at 7 am I would not thought this possible. My options were to sink deeper or reach out and move. This morning I had to nudge myself and move. Which brings us back to the balancing of being still yet being moving. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 22, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Good for you! For realizing what you need and giving it to yourself! I hope you enjoy your nature walk, I'm about to go on one myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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