So much grief - overwhelmed by loss (Pepe the cat - updated with photo)

[JulieBMrsK]

Hello

I had to have my dear cat Pepe (age 15) put to sleep on Thursday.  I've never been keen on the tags 'fur baby' etc but he was my true companion and that of my husband.  Pepe was the cat who really wanted human company, he loved a lap to sit on and for the 10.5 years we had him, apart from holidays he was on our laps.  He could always find the sunniest spot and even the warmest (which occasionally was the printer in our home office!).  When we sat in the garden for dinner or a cup of tea he would join us, always wanting to be where we were.

He was being treated for thyroid and kidney disease and he had lost some weight but two weeks ago he had an op to have a nasty tooth removed.  He was really good for a couple of days afterwards but noticed he was less inclined to eat as the week progressed.  We thought his tooth might have been painful.  My husband took him last Monday for a check and they gave him a painkiller.  On Tuesday morning his head was at a tilt and he had stopped eating completely.  We took him back and they did more checks and he had symptoms of pancreatitis.  The next day we got a call to say he was doing well but later that day we received another to say that his red blood cell count (anaemia) was dropping and they were concerned.  We drove him to an emergency overnight vets for monitoring.  The vet was initially surprised how perky he was and said he had a strong heart but the next morning the same vet was much more sober - his red cell count was dropping more and it was getting at a dangerous level.  On Thursday morning he was given a scan and they discovered a large tumour on his liver which was high up and wasn't palpable when doing the usual checks.  His kidneys were packing up drastically too and he wasn't eating and was fading fast.  We decided to take him home for 24 hours but after half an hour we could see how seriously ill and weak he was and so we arranged for Thursday afternoon for him to be put to sleep in our back garden in the sunlight he loved with us there.  I had religiously treated him with his medicines for 3 years for kidneys and more laterally thyroid but had no idea he had cancer and feel I've failed him.  I know logically that liver cancer in cat can develop no major symptoms until too late but up to two weeks ago he was jumping over a 6 foot fence into the fields behind our house.

I knew he was getting older and was losing some weight but it happened all so fast and what I am shocked at myself at is how physically I miss him - in the house, his presence, his ways.  The realisation that each day that passes I am further away from the last time I had him with me.  I can't stop crying and I remind myself how lucky I was to have this clever, handsome cat.  The vets were amazed that even when he was so ill he still pressed up against them with his head to get comfort.  

I miss him so much, I don't know what to do with this grief.  I look a sight (puffy eyes) and have gone around today in a daze.

On some level I know that I will recover to some extent but it's the knowing I'll never have this cat again in my life that is killing me.

I apologise for the long note, I know others are suffering too and thank you if you read this.

xx

 

 

[Beatriz]

Hello Julie, I read you and am so sorry for your loss. I do understand what you are going through and have read it confirmed here many times about the Pain we feel being as you describe. Pepe reminds me of my Tripps, whom when ill sought comfort from pressing his head against me. You are right to consider yourself lucky to have known and loved him. I heard from more than one veterinarian that cats are very resilient and non-symptomatic (mine were elderly but only what we thought of as normal decline showed) for as long as they can bear with it. Normally when it shows the disease is advanced. It seems too sudden to us. Both my cats’ conditions deteriorated very fast. It is the hardest thing to part with such adorable and lifetime companions. You treated Pepe for kidney disease for three years, that can’t have been easy nor was it in vain. I cannot see how you can possibly have let him down but of course we all wonder if there was something anything else we could have done to prevent and further postpone this Loss. Because we cared for them and attended to their every need all their lives it is difficult to accept that it is eventually out of our hands when their lives come to an end. Julie my heart goes out to you. It is indeed such a Huge Loss. The enormity of it takes a while to process and grieving is the only way to go through it. Know that you are not alone in experiencing it. Please do write here and let us know how it goes. 

[JulieBMrsK]

Dear Beatriz

Thank you so very much for your considered and heartfelt response.  My grief is coming in waves.  I believe you are right, not all diseases show themselves clearly and yet we went to every vets appointment and had his abdomen examined but it was in a place that hid it well - as did he.  Thank you again Beatriz I will re-read your words many times as I start to heal. x

[KayC]

Julie,

Your cat is beautiful and sweet looking.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm sorry for his pain, you took such good care of him, sometimes life just isn't fair at all.  I know you're missing him, and I wish there were some words of comfort I could give you but alas I know grief all too well, it's hard, we try to bear it and there's no escaping it's pain.  You are right though that it will lessen, the process is just all too long and hard, but we do get through it.  I've lost my husband and many pets, my mom, my sister, niece, nephew, friends, it goes on and on.  Grief has become part of my life.  The hardest next to my husband were my pets, because they are in your everyday life, very much a big part of your existence, and they love unconditionally, the connection with them is just so strong.  I know it's hard getting through this, but I hope it helps to know that those of us here, we get it, and we feel for you.  Praying for a bit of comfort to come your way.

 

[Beatriz]

Thank you Julie and for Pepe’s photo. Beautiful being! And wanting to sit on a lap all the time - how sweet and when we had to wait for heavy winter here to have Tripps and Preta to briefly honour us with doing just that...! 

[ddsmum]

What a sweet cat!  

I'm sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing your story, @JulieBMrsK.

[JulieBMrsK]

Thank you KayC for sharing your experience and I'm sorry for the losses you have experienced.

It seems that we are sometimes shocked (as I am) at the depth of the feelings that we experience, how messy it all is this grief.  Today I started off well and then experienced that feeling that all is not well in the house, not complete and that is hard.  Thank you again, Julie

[JulieBMrsK]

Thank you ddsmum for taking the time to post.  I also wish you the very best, Julie

[KayC]

Their absence is the biggest reminder of all...

[Beatriz]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Their absence is the biggest reminder of all...

Exactly, Kay ❤️ 

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss, what an adorable sweet kitty. He reminds me of my guy too. I was where you are right now just over a year ago. We lost our "child" of a cat who we had for 10 years. He was 15 and not of perfect health but we lost him very suddenly and awfully too. I am so glad to read of the peaceful end you were able to give but that does not make it any easier to deal with - the loss is the loss. And the absence, not having him around is something you can never prepare for. You mind and heart can never be ready for it. I wish I had better things to say, some deep wisdom to make you feel better. Only time can heal a loss like this. That is what I learned dealing with my grief (and all my other emotions too.)   

[JulieBMrsK]

Dear AJWCat thank you very much for your response.  I feel in limbo at the moment.  One moment I feel ok(ish) and the next I'm in floods of tears again, really experiencing problems understanding how quickly it all happened and that I'll never see him again.  You are right you can never prepare for this.  It was really comforting for you to let me know you were where I am now, which by it's implication means you are somewhere else now (obviously I know always with the loss in your heart).  You don't need more wisdom than that .... that is the wisdom!  Thanks Julie x

 

[AJWCat]

You are welcome. Those waves of emotion do hit out of nowhere - but they will come a little fewer and further between. I remember thinking I'd taken one step forward and 2 back. Be patient, your mind needs to accept and it will as painful as it is. I know you gave him such a wonderful life, such a happy content little face in that photo...  and you were lucky to have him. Try to focus on that.