Guilt over putting my cat to sleep despite vet wanting to do more tests.

[PrincessTilda]

My heads a mess so this is likely to just be word vomit.

My beautiful baby tilda was put to sleep yesterday. Over the last few days she had become suddenly very sick. She stopped eating, drinking, was moving as though she was in agony. We took her straight to the vets where her temperture was taken which was 36.5. The vet was shocked as she said thats a temperature of a dying cat. She gave her antibiotics and said to bring her back first thing. She got worse overnight and retreated under my bed and just stared into space, she stopped blinking it was heartbreaking to see her in such agony, i dont think she slept as i cenrtainly didnt as i kept checking she was still breathing. 

The vet kept her in the next day and we agreed to do blood tests of which all came back clear apart from her being a little dehydrated so she was put on a drip. She had all the symptoms of a dying cat and her suffering was horrendous to see. The fiesty tilda had gone. The vet seemed keen to keep going with tests and xrays. But my baby tilda was so unwell it seemed cruel to put her through all that surffering. It was beacuse she was only five the vet didnt want to put her down. But tilda was clearly suffering i feel their was a conflict of interests. We her family loved her to bits and couldn't watch her suffer so the vet could try and find what was wrong through endless test. She wasnt eating or drinking how could she of gone on for much longer, the tilda we new ate everything in site she was a little piglet. I relise the vet felt she still could find out what was wrong but how many more tests would that invole and the likely hood was it was something very serious as she was so ill, then she'd have to go through the treatment.  She got so stressed everytime at the vets, her favourite place was our garden chasing butterflies!! Tilda didnt deserve to suffer all that.

Tilda came into our lives at 8 weeks old, i was 19 and very depressed and she gave me joy when no one or nothing else could. She was my best friend, the love i have for her is so strong my heart feels like it may break. I pray to god i haven't let her down and that i did right by her. I see her everywhere. I would of liked to bury her in the garden but my mum and dad didnt feel comfortable with this. I feel sick to my stomach of having to leave her their. She will be cremated and we will collect her ashes. I hope her sprits not lost. What if shes still suffering. So many emotions, so much pain. It was such a shocked it all happened over three days, she went down hill so quickly.

I stayed with her until the very end. She had the injection through her drip but it didnt work the first time so she had to have another one straight in her vein, then shes was gone. A little foam from her mouth and some blood from her nose but her eyes looked just as glassy as they had done over her last couple of days.

I cannot stop crying and the guilt it awful.

.Baby tilda i hope your safe and at peace and thank you for blessing my life in ways you will never know or understand. Im sorry it ended like this i imagined you becoming an old lady. My beautiful baby tilda i'll carry you in my heart forever. Be free, fly with the blutterflies and visit me in between your wild adventures. My heart is full of love for you. Forgive me Matilda, i only ever wanted to do whats right for you we all did. 

 

[Beatriz]

Your posting is so moving, your love for Tilda overflows with your tears - and mine. I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Tilda spirit lives on and your memories of her as you write about her are duly honouring and paying homage to her and the Joy and healing she brought to your life. Those wonderful creatures that we could not help but love overmuch - life’s wonders and gifts. I know exactly what you mean by seeing her everywhere. I do see both my cats each in their favourite places around the house they made a home of and for me. I believe Tilda is free from suffering now. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Vets do tend towards tons of tests, of course, that's how they make money!  When you've read enough threads here, you realize that usually after all is said and done, we lose the animal, regardless of the thousands of dollars of tests done.  And the pet doesn't like going through all of them.  That's not to say there's not a time or place for tests, but you know when your animal is suffering and at the place of no return and of course we want to spare them that.

I'm sorry she didn't get more years, that's hard.  Something was clearly wrong.  Guilt is part of our grief response, we ask all of the what ifs, but the truth is, we were good parents and didn't earn guilt, it's just part of the grief.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I firmly believe we'll be with them again when our time is come.

 

[PrincessTilda]

20 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Your posting is so moving, your love for Tilda overflows with your tears - and mine. I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Tilda spirit lives on and your memories of her as you write about her are duly honouring and paying homage to her and the Joy and healing she brought to your life. Those wonderful creatures that we could not help but love overmuch - life’s wonders and gifts. I know exactly what you mean by seeing her everywhere. I do see both my cats each in their favourite places around the house they made a home of and for me. I believe Tilda is free from suffering now. 

Thank 

 

20 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Your posting is so moving, your love for Tilda overflows with your tears - and mine. I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Tilda spirit lives on and your memories of her as you write about her are duly honouring and paying homage to her and the Joy and healing she brought to your life. Those wonderful creatures that we could not help but love overmuch - life’s wonders and gifts. I know exactly what you mean by seeing her everywhere. I do see both my cats each in their favourite places around the house they made a home of and for me. I believe Tilda is free from suffering now. 

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. She truely was a gift. Its comforting hearing from others who understand my pain. Im sorry for you losses too, i hope you've found peace.

[PrincessTilda]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  Vets do tend towards tons of tests, of course, that's how they make money!  When you've read enough threads here, you realize that usually after all is said and done, we lose the animal, regardless of the thousands of dollars of tests done.  And the pet doesn't like going through all of them.  That's not to say there's not a time or place for tests, but you know when your animal is suffering and at the place of no return and of course we want to spare them that.

I'm sorry she didn't get more years, that's hard.  Something was clearly wrong.  Guilt is part of our grief response, we ask all of the what ifs, but the truth is, we were good parents and didn't earn guilt, it's just part of the grief.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I firmly believe we'll be with them again when our time is come.

 

Thank you for your kind response and the links you sent are very helpful. I've never experienced grief before. Ive been going through all the what ifs endlessly, wishing i'd notice the subtle signs of possible illness.

I havent really found anyone saying they decided to go against the vets advice which makes me feel even worse. That was my main fear for her that she'd suffer through loads of tests and then die anyway. 

[Beatriz]

19 hours ago, PrincessTilda said:

havent really found anyone saying they decided to go against the vets advice which makes me feel even worse. That was my main fear for her that she'd suffer through loads of tests and then die anyway. 

This is what happened to both my cats. They undertook a number of tests and invasive treatments. And both certainly suffered a great deal going through them. Before that, there  were only a few visits to the veterinarian besides the annual vaccination. Very few and they were treated for minor ailments and healed fast. I have always believed that, as much as possible, we should try and not interfere with their natures. But when Preta stopped eating and we took her to the veterinarian clinics and she was diagnosed as terminal, we did not hesitate a second and resorted to every available means to keep her alive. She herself fought for her life like a lion, carrying us all behind. Looking back now I do wonder if I did right by her. She died anyway. What I mean is, we wonder one way or another. We certainly always want to do the best as we understand it for them. I think they can tell we love them and mean it. This is I think maybe more important than being right or wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, PrincessTilda said:

I havent really found anyone saying they decided to go against the vets advice which makes me feel even worse. That was my main fear for her that she'd suffer through loads of tests and then die anyway. 

I'm sure there have been plenty who have though...and you have to remember, you knew her best, you did what you felt SHE would want.  That is the main thing.

[KayC]

16 minutes ago, Beatriz said:

This is I think maybe more important than being right or wrong?

Yes, that makes sense.

[PrincessTilda]

On 8/20/2018 at 3:04 PM, Beatriz said:

What I mean is, we wonder one way or another. We certainly always want to do the best as we understand it for them. I think they can tell we love them and mean it. This is I think maybe more important than being right or wrong?

Your right, we made the decision out of pure love for her. Thank you so much for sharing your story its such a comfort hearing from others who have lossed a beloved pets. 

 

[PrincessTilda]

On 8/20/2018 at 3:20 PM, KayC said:

 you knew her best,

Thank you for reminding me of this. We knew should would of hated every minute of having all those tests, her favourite place was our garden. We loved watching her go scatty chasing everything that moved!!!