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maze

My Mom Died and Few Months Later My Dad Died

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maze

It’s been a year almost two since my mom died, on January 11th, due to Overdoes. Although the older I get the more I realize she was an abusive and manipulative parent... I still miss her so much. There are so many things I remember, but only a few are good. I remember when it was just my sisters, me, and her at the house she told us stories. I remember us being so poor that we all shared a bed and waking up beside her before she was doped up. I loved my mother, but I think her being gone isn’t unexpected. My dad had custody and she got us on the weekend, and often times she’d disappear— of course I know this time it’s forever and not just two years.

Before I talk about my father's death I feel the need to mention that my parents were divorced when I was a baby. My mother had countless men in her life and my dad remarried his girlfriend of nine years(he divorced her too before he died and then had many girls over the span of the year and a half before his death)

A few months after my mom’s death my dad committed suicide. On July 21, 2017 He was found in a motel bathroom by the woman he was with at the time. My dad was my best friend... I have social anxiety and I grew up only wanting to follow him around. When he wasn’t home (I recently found this out) when my sisters were playing I’d stay in my room and play by myself. I don’t believe there is anyone I connected with more than my dad. I never ran out of conversation and I could be myself around him. Both my parents were diagnosed with depression, which is apparently genetic. When I was a few years younger than I am, I self-harmed. I don’t anymore(occasionally the temptation is there, but I can avoid it); I remember one day I was wearing a long sleeve and he grabbed my left wrist and pulled up my sleeve; the reason the specifications on left wrist is I’m left handed and I didn’t harm that arm(not really sure why to be completely honest). The pain in his eyes when he was beginning to look at my arm caused me to stop. There was so much pain in his eyes... I told him later after I have a month streaks and we mended it... but now that he’s gone, I don’t know why my brain goes to anger. Not at him, but at his actions... I love and miss him... and I just really want him back.

Before they died I imagined what it’d be like to lose them... either my naturally morbid thoughts or just me trying to figure out how would someone sympathize with something like that. It’s so much worse than I imagined... i know that should be a given, but... it’s just so much worse... My anxiety has worsened as well as my depression— I found out at the doctors it’s now “severe depression”... I’ve also developed trust issues... It’s different from when you think no one understands you, then when quite literally no one around me does... I don’t like the way people look at me... I don’t like being told I look sad... and I desperately want to be happy, but it’s like I’m bad luck... or that sadness is my norm... I don’t want it.

 

 

i just need someone to say something... I’m so tired of feeling alone... I know hiding behind a screen isn’t any better, but it helps a little.

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StreamingTheLight

Maze,

you have truly been put through the ringer. I am so sorry for your losses. My heart empathizes with the past hurts you’ve experienced. I have the trust issues, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment because of my past. I too have the anger and it’s confusing for me. I also have ups and downs of hurt, sadness, confusion, feeling lost, trying to find the light. I have so many other emotions too where I feel like I will burst and no one understands. They inly understand if they’ve gone through it. Yesterday I felt straight panic like I’ve never had before. It scared me. I went back to not believing she was gone, realizing she is, not knowing how I can survive this. I kept using the cooing skill of trying to get myself back in the present moment. It took everything in me to do. I am/ was immeshed with both of my parents. I often feel like the grim reaper because everyone around me dies. My brothers, my mom and several friends in the last year and a half. No joke. I feel like no one will want to be around me because of my losses and feelings.

I just lost my mom a few weeks ago and right before that my brother (to an overdose, he just turned 41) that was like a twin to me. I found him on the floor in his apartment. I knew when this second brother died that I was going to lose one of my parents. It was just too much for them to lose two children, in the ways that they did. My other brother died twelve years ago (terminal cancer at the age of 33) and it took me over 10yrs to feel like I was finally in a more peaceful place with my grieving. Now I’m back to too painful and so much heartbreak. I thought the loss of one of my parents would come from grieving those losses. It ended up being terminal cancer for my mom and it happened in the blink of an eye. I was with her every day during the entire process and watched her last breath. I’m completely decimated. And now in watching my dad, I know that I will lose him soon too. He is beyond devastated. There were together for over 50yrs, since she was about 15 and he was 17. I too imagined what it would be like to lose them...I thought that in knowing that;  maybe I would make peace or be able to cope better...but that’s not the case. It’s raw, painful and every cell in my body feels it and I yearn for my mother. Uearn to speak and lean on my brothers whi aren’t here anymore. To see her and be with her and feel her touch, hear her laugh. I don’t want to be in my depression, but I am and it’s hard to fight. I too want to be able to smile, or be happy and not feel like people are staring at me, waiting to see how I will react. Everyone keeps telling me “you look sad”, “you’re too skinny”, “you need to eat”, you need to this...you need to that...and I feel like...NO sh**! I’m doing the best I can. Help me with actions people, not just words, or saying let me know if you need anything. Then others times I want to be left alone. I don’t know what I need. It’s different everyday. And I am all over the place. What I want is my mom and brothers back. To not have gone through such trauma...but that’s not possible. And so, it’s ok for me to feel what I feel. It makes sense why we are like this. You too deserve to feel what you do. We have lost our compasses, our anchors and it takes time and grieving fully to get to what people are suggesting. You are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. I have them too. 

Hugs and understanding,

Nicole

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KarenSunshine

I am overwhelmed by the massiveness of the losses I am learning about here.  It is truly a wonder that we find a way to go on a day or moment at a time. Today is an okay day for me but I've been busy.  This weekend little is planned and I know it will be very hard - as it was last weekend.  Let me share in this forum something I wrote to support myself:

I WILL KEEP HOPE

I will keep hope, however slight it is; hope for a good week, hope for a good day, hope for a good moment.

Hope for more ease. I will keep hope through all suffering and loss and darkness.  

I will keep the last hint of hope close to my heart.

Hope for simple comfort, for peace, for acceptance.

I will hope for those left behind, hope for all life

I will hope that tomorrow is yet a chance for more hope.

 

11/2018 for cancer and repurposed in my mind for grief 2/2019 

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