Members bambina Posted August 10, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 10, 2018 Very very depressed tonight. Drove by my boyfriends house today (big mistake) and just knowing he is no longer there sent me into spasms of grief and I couldn’t stop sobbing. Had to make emergency trip to eye doctor today for a sudden issue and just knowing Brian wasn’t around to comfort and support me put me into the pits of depression. I woke up feeling ok this morning. This afternoon and evening are a different story. I’m in so much pain and there is no one here to comfort me. I feel all alone and life just feels dark and miserable and as if it will be interminably painful. Such a horrid wretched feeling in my heart . Why am I still here? Why did my wonderful amazing bf have to die? Why was he brought into my life, making me so happy, only to be snatched away? I dont ever want to fall in love again. I’m better off alone. I cannot go through a loss of this magnitude ever again. I am already derailed and longing for death when the pain is this great. Please somebody help me. I am drowning in misery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JBSC01 Posted August 11, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2018 @bambina I feel that exact same way, so i cant offer much help other than to say i really understand you and feel you. Yeah i wont go anywhere near where we used to live together, i had to just give up our apartment just a week after she left and not look back, its just toooo painful to be there and even in the same city. This is hell, pain,misery, loneliness, emptiness,a broken life now, but somehow we must learn to navigate through it one baby step then eventually larger steps at a time i guess idk. One moment that a time. I just really hate being here without her as you do him, but what can we do? Jump off a bridge? or try to live the best we can for our loved ones and ourselves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 11, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 11, 2018 bambina, I have been where you are, what you are feeling, it's hard...being alone and knowing that one person that truly got you, truly loved you, truly cared, is gone. I don't think there is a "why", I don't personally feel someone is up there orchestrating events and taking people away like a puppetmaster...no, rather that life seems rather random how it happens. I do feel lucky that I met my husband, but like you I wonder why some get to grow old together while some of us are left all too soon, that life is unfair is an understatement. I'm sorry your eye is having problems, been there myself. Some do go on to love, I can't imagine finding anyone even close to being right for me like my George was, he was perfect for me, so I don't even look. It's not because of fear of loss that I don't go there though, I wouldn't let fear stop me, I've learned to look it in the face, more just that I haven't met anyone I'd even consider! I will be facing loss again, I'm worried about losing my sister right now...and I lost my oldest sister a few months ago. I know I'll be facing losing my dog and cat within the next couple of years or so as they are old. I guess if we live life to the fullest, part of it is experiencing the loss that comes with it, but I wouldn't do anything different because I wouldn't want to miss one moment with those that I love. Praying something comes your way to lift your spirits... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 11, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2018 I’m teally sorry all your losses KayC and for you too JBSC01. Right now I found out I have what’s called posterior vitreous detachment in my right eye, which has caused what looks like something floating in front of my right eye. Started yesterday afternoon and I was so scared and made appt with my optometrist. Now I’m gonna go see an opthamologist. My biggest fear is that Some of these cases lead to retinal detachment which causes blindness. So last night I slept poorly and today I could barely leave my room. I am so scared and praying that my eye will be ok. And knowing that Brian is no longer here to support and comfort me has put me into a deeper. I feel so scared now for my health. God these last two months have been a nightmare and it seems to be continuing. I lost Brian and now I’m praying that I don’t lose my vision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 12, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 12, 2018 I am praying that for you too bambina. My eye surgery was for a cyst on my eye, it was the size of a large pea and hurt all the time and caused continual eye infections, the drops they prescribed were $425 and the insurance wouldn't cover anything, it was all out of pocket, even the surgery, so much for obamacare. It kept me from sleeping and the infections and drops cause permanent eye damage so I had no choice but to have surgery on it, it was the best thing I could have done. Is there anything they can do to arrest the detachment? I hope you get some answers and hope from the opthamologist. Don't give up fighting, I have a friend that would have died if he'd settled for what the eye doctors told him, he researched it himself with his last bit of vision, turns out he had a brain tumor pressing in on his eye, he got one of the leading surgeons in the country and has had no problem since. I realize all our eye problems are of different origin, but the point I'm making is never lose hope or give up, fight to keep your vision and I pray for divine help for you along the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 14, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2018 Thank you Kay C, went to opthamologist yesterday and fortunately there is no retinal tear or detachment. Just have to monitor my symptoms over the next month to make sure symptoms do not worsen. Apparently the same thing will happen in my other eye within a year but hopefully it won’t affect the retina. I was so nervous on my way there that I took 1/2 Xanax. Today I’m feeling better, rather relieved and thankful and hoping the eye stays healthy. So I’m relieved and happy about this, but of course still missing Brian. I guess it’s just a process that one must go through. This past Saturday was one of the worst days I had ever experienced, depression-wise. I just lied on my couch and could barely get up. Fear and anxiety about my eye coupled with grief over Brian made me feel like the pain would never end. Just sheer feeling of despair and hopelessness. I’m still really sad and not one minute goes by that I don’t miss him, but I’m grateful that I received good news about my eye. I guess I just need to stay busy because otherwise the feelings of loneliness make me feel kind of ill. I’m sure you and others can relate. Thanks so much for reaching out to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 15, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 15, 2018 bambina, I could so relate to your concerns because that is one of my gravest concerns also...our eyes affect our lives 1000%! I'm so glad for your good news! I pray it doesn't touch your retina, that you have your vision with you your whole life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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