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My Girlfriend Committed Suicide 2 and a 1/2 months ago

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My girlfriend of three years had moved in with me at the beginning of the year. For the last couple of months before she died our relationship had been going through a rough patch. I wasn't being affectionate to her or showing her that I loved her, in truth I was having second thoughts about our relationship because she seemed to be drifting through life and not focused on any goals for the future. I guess it was one of those phases that relationships go through where you find yourself getting a bit bored of the relationship and your partner.

But things went back to normal and I came home from university one day and found her looking down, she said she was feeling sad and lonely, when I asked her if it was because of me she said that it was in part but that mainly she just missed her family. I figured that as she was going to see them soon that that would fix it and she would be back to normal. There were other warning signs, she would lock the door behind her during the day even when I was in the house and she started drinking regularly. She had also dragged the fold out couch to a spare room and had started living in another room giving the reason that she slept better in that room and worked on her assignments better at night. Another week went by and I came to find her moping around the house, I told her that she needed to get out and exercise, to pick up a hobby and to go and see people if she didnt have enough work to do for university. I had also told her not to take the anti-depressants she had been given unless she absolutely had to and not to drink alcohol on them. I have the feeling that she wasn't taking them as perscribed and was taking them as she saw fit.

Apart from this I never came home to find her in tears or visibly upset and she never again talked about how she was feeling. And she definitely didn't say she was feeling suicidal. Because she didn't seem to have more than the winter blues and because I was so busy I never followed up again about her mental health. The last day she was alive I knocked on the door of the room she had moved into and I could hear her rustling around in there, she refused to open the door to let me in because I was getting annoyed she wouldn't unlock it for me.

That night we met at our house, she cooked dinner and we watched tv together and had a glass of wine each. I had to get up early the next day so she kissed me goodnight, told me she loved me and and went off to her room. While I was asleep she crawled out the window and went out to an unused garage and hung herself. I found her the next day when I was worried about her and crawled back into the room and found a suicide note in the form of a diary she had left saying where she was and what she had done.

I feel so guilty that I wasn't loving enough to her in the last months, she could tell that I had fallen out of love with her a bit and I feel so guilty that I couldn't help her. I know I wasn't the cause of her misery but it doesn't help with the sadness and loneliness I feel now.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward with life? It feels like her suicide and and me finding her dead has taken something from my soul.

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Hi there,
I've never contributed to a forum before, but I've never been in this situation before. I'm going through something somewhat similar- my boyfriend hanged himself just over three months ago. I still can't believe it when I put it in writing. I'm shocked at how prevalent suicide is- I never knew. Never even thought about it.

I think your attitude is healthy as you know you were not the cause of her decision to ultimately take her life. You clearly haven't chosen to check out, and I bet you have had other relationships that didn't work out, arguments with others, setbacks in school or career or finance or friendships. No one has ever worried that I would end it all if they fired me, broke up with me, criticized me, fought with me.... I have come to realize that you cannot stop holding people accountable for their actions due to their fragility.

How to move forward with life? All I can do is share with you what I am trying, and I think it is starting to work. :-) The sadness and devastation is still here every day. I can't believe I can get out of bed every morning and focus on work. This reality seems unreal. BUT, my philosophy is to focus on making my life amazing. I am using this awful loss to propel myself forward, because I know he would have done the same thing. He would have been crushed, but would have found a way to keep on moving. You can and should honor her life, and do everything you can to make the best of yours. You absolutely cannot let this slow you down; no one lives forever and some people choose their own way out. We can't stop them.

I really hope this helps. I've only got three weeks more experience than you, but every day brings new insights!

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