Cancer took my brother and I'm angry

[AnnaLis]

My brother battled cancer for 2 years. It started in his kidney but by the time it was found it had spread to EVERYWHERE. He battled so courageously and with such class and dignity.

He died on the 4th of July. 

I'm so angry and I just can't seem to get past it.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

AnnaLis,

It’s so painful to lose your sibling. Especially in the way that you did. Your anger is warranted. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. I know it. I lost my brother 12 yrs ago to adrenal cancer. It’s something like 1 in 2 million get the type he had. He went in to doc for stomach pain and they found the cancer and told him that there was nothing they could do. It was everywhere. He died three months later. I was angry for years. My brother was courageous like yours. He was a healthy individual with 2 toddlers. His death caused my other brother to spiral out and lose his life to an overdose the day before my birthday last November. And then, just when I thought things couldn’t get worse...my mother was diagnosed with colon cance metasis to her peretoneal area, liver and lungs. Again, cancer everywhere. Zero answers and no transparency from Dr’s. We fought hard for three months. We did everything that we could and it wasn’t enough. I thought it would make me feel better knowing that we fought it so fiercely. But my questions and the lack of information, even though I asked for answers everyday to make her more comfortable wasn’t rightly given. I was there everyday for 12 hours a day, learning the chemo and medical language, learning woundcare and about taking care if her ostomy with zero help from the oncologist and other doctors. Everything I learned how to do and translate with labs and fighting insurance and EVERYTHING was from online studying and making them physically let me work on her wounds with them and help her to PT, the bathroom and everything else they weren’t taking care of the entire three months she was in the hospital, all the way to her last breath. It was cruel, painful stuff and she was the sweetest, bravest, purest soul I have ever known. I am broken. Her and my brother that died of cancer were so much alike. Beautiful souls. It truly tears me up inside. To watch the ones we love the most suffer. I am hoping if I talk about my anger, hurt, dismay and pain that my circling thoughts will subside. I hope yours will too. Mine did after three years and a lot therapy when my first brother died. I thought if I can survive and work through that, that I could survive anything. And then the loss November and my mother three weeks ago has been unbearable. I just want tou to know that your anger and emotions make sense to me. Under that anger will be other kinds of grief too and then there will come a day when all of the beautiful memories and relationship that you shared will be your mainstay instead of only the anger. I pray that comes through for you as soon as it can. I hope for me too. You’re not alone. I often eat my brothers favorite foods often, visit their favorite places when I can and honor them by fishing at their favorite spot once a year. I talk about them as much as I can and keep their memory alive. I know you will too. His courage is in you. In every cell  of you. I love hearing you witness his class, courage and dignity. He sounds like the kind of human being that was special and I’m sure touched the lives of everyone he knew in a special way. I often take my anger to the batting cages, ferociously clean the house, scream and cry into a pillow, and scribble my anger out in a notepad and rip it up after. It always helps, even if it’s only for a moment. 

Hugs to you,

Nicole

[Mr. Nice]

My heart goes out to both of u. I’m angry too and it is justified and completely normal. We all fought for our families. I lost my brother yesterday due to cancer. It’s a seemingly cruel thing to happen to families. It makes no sense. Why? My brothers cancer wasn’t brought on by bad habits either. He had multiple myeloma. I miss him deeply and I can’t stop thinking about seeing him go in front of me, our dad, his wife, and oldest daughter. It’s a weird thing to witness. I’m glad that I was there with him during his last moments. It’s going to be a tough journey. Some good days, some bad ones. We all cope and grief differently but I’d say feel your feelings as much as possible. There is no panacea for loss. I’d start with a grief counselor and see where that goes. My dad said he couldn’t even walk down the hallway yet because of the photos on the wall. I’m the opposite...please show me pics when he wasn’t sick. My biggest problem is the anger and what to do. I want to visit one of those break rooms and throw things. Instead I’m going to take harder hikes, longer climbs, and run to relapse my energy. Talking and some sort of outlet(s) are good to explore. The batting cages, pillow screams, and art are also great ones. Just try a lot of things to see what sticks. I have a new outlook and motivation....my brother can no longer be here so I have to work/play twice as hard...for the both of us. 

Sending you positive vibes and thoughts