Guilt as a Man

[JBSC01]

I know guilt is a big topic in this journey and pretty much everyone here is dealing with or has dealt with guilt on multiple levels.  Now what i'm referring to is guilt specifically as a Man. Generally in our society it is felt that the man of a family is supposed to be the protector, the one that should take care of his wife, kids, etc..and never let anything bad happen to them at all cost.

I seem to struggle with that a bit.

Even though my family, her family and friends, all thank me for taking care of her, sing me praises for sticking by her through everything, thick and thin, and never giving up on her once for the whole 4 years we were together up until the end, i still cant help but feel I failed, like no matter how much i did, bent over backwards for her, put her way ahead of myself, etc it was all for not because i couldn't save her, it all still ended in the worst possible way. I know deep down inside i gave everything i had to her, to our relationship, to the point of exhaustion sometimes, it wasn't enough.  

Although we were trying, we didn't have kids, so it was just me and her. So i had just one job as the man to keep her safe and i failed, that is and going to be really hard to live with.

I had her Mom thanking me in the hospital for taking care of her daughter as my baby (and her baby) was lying there in a medically induced coma. Her siblings thanking me for sticking by her. And the kicker was her Dad after the memorial service thanking me for taking care of his baby girl. While i really appreciate all the thank yous its really hard for me to hear because i feel like noooo dont thank me! i dont deserve it! i failed her!, myself, everyone that loves her.  As the protector I failed to do my job in the worst way.

Thanks for reading

God help us all! 

[KayC]

But you didn't fail her.  You FEEL like you did.  And your feelings are normal.  While men may feel the role of protector, women have the nurturer role...we both feel this guilt at being unable to stop the force of death.  Trust me, if there was anything that could have been done to save her, you would have done it.  If walking across the earth on hot coals would have saved her, you would have done it.  If giving her your organs would have saved her, you would have gladly been the first in line to donate yours.  But some things we can't stop, can't fix, can't change.  Does it make us feel like failures?  Yes.  Have we earned that?  No!  We are the ones that loved them, more than anything in the world!  It is the most frustrating thing in the world to give your all and have it feel like it was not enough.

And yet...DID we fail?  We loved them with all our hearts, we had a beautiful relationship, they were happy with us in their lives, we understood each other, had faith in each other, trusted each other!  What is a failure about that?!  That they stopped breathing?  That their physical body gave out?  That was not ours to give, nor to take away.  Their spirit lives on, they haven't stopped being, it didn't obliterate them, they are in what is next for us...we will follow them there someday.  That thought, that hope, that keeps me going.  Knowing we'll be reunited!  I know, not everyone believes the same, yet most of us believe there is something beyond this realm that we know.  They say we are energy and energy doesn't die, it merely changes form.  My George was such a vibrant person, he had so much zest for life, I often said he reminded me of a young pup, wagging it's tail.  He can't just not exist!  He was too dynamic to just "die"!  I think of him rather as transitioned.  He's out of his suffering, no longer limited by this mortal body...his perceptions broadened, his body infinite and a timeless existence belongs to him now, just as it will to me someday.  

Our feelings of guilt are because our expectations of ourselves are unrealistic.  We aren't superman.  We aren't magic genies.  We don't have medical degrees, yet we expect the impossible from ourselves.  How realistic is that?!  These guilt feelings are part of our grief.  Read on here:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[LeannC45]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

But you didn't fail her.  You FEEL like you did.  And your feelings are normal.  While men may feel the role of protector, women have the nurturer role...we both feel this guilt at being unable to stop the force of death.  Trust me, if there was anything that could have been done to save her, you would have done it.  If walking across the earth on hot coals would have saved her, you would have done it.  If giving her your organs would have saved her, you would have gladly been the first in line to donate yours.  But some things we can't stop, can't fix, can't change.  Does it make us feel like failures?  Yes.  Have we earned that?  No!  We are the ones that loved them, more than anything in the world!  It is the most frustrating thing in the world to give your all and have it feel like it was not enough.

And yet...DID we fail?  We loved them with all our hearts, we had a beautiful relationship, they were happy with us in their lives, we understood each other, had faith in each other, trusted each other!  What is a failure about that?!  That they stopped breathing?  That their physical body gave out?  That was not ours to give, nor to take away.  Their spirit lives on, they haven't stopped being, it didn't obliterate them, they are in what is next for us...we will follow them there someday.  That thought, that hope, that keeps me going.  Knowing we'll be reunited!  I know, not everyone believes the same, yet most of us believe there is something beyond this realm that we know.  They say we are energy and energy doesn't die, it merely changes form.  My George was such a vibrant person, he had so much zest for life, I often said he reminded me of a young pup, wagging it's tail.  He can't just not exist!  He was too dynamic to just "die"!  I think of him rather as transitioned.  He's out of his suffering, no longer limited by this mortal body...his perceptions broadened, his body infinite and a timeless existence belongs to him now, just as it will to me someday.  

Our feelings of guilt are because our expectations of ourselves are unrealistic.  We aren't superman.  We aren't magic genies.  We don't have medical degrees, yet we expect the impossible from ourselves.  How realistic is that?!  These guilt feelings are part of our grief.  Read on here:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Thank you for this response, I know that we all need to let this sink in. I have found the guilt paralyzing at times. There is so much to learn about how to handle grief and all of the stages you go through. This is hard on the heart, body and mind. I am thankful for all of the people who share their stories so that we have a way to learn and cope.

[Azipod]

I think you are a tad bit too hard on yourself.  You did not fail her.  While we all wish that we can be the protector and save all of those who we love, the truth is that we cannot... nor can we predict the future.  I didn't experience much of the typical survivors guilt during my grief process, but I learned quickly during my ugly grief days that we are all vulnerable.   Like many of those out there, I had this false sense of security believing that if my family and I did all the right things by going through each day being mindful about our future, that everything will be OK.   Little did I know that not only is Death inevitable, it can come at ANYTIME and without warning.    Be kind to yourself and try to release yourself from blame.

[Spengler]

I fully understand the guilt. I feel it, too. I was strong for her, oh so strong. But, I wasn't strong enough.

[JBSC01]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

But you didn't fail her.  You FEEL like you did.  And your feelings are normal.  While men may feel the role of protector, women have the nurturer role...we both feel this guilt at being unable to stop the force of death.  Trust me, if there was anything that could have been done to save her, you would have done it.  If walking across the earth on hot coals would have saved her, you would have done it.  If giving her your organs would have saved her, you would have gladly been the first in line to donate yours.  But some things we can't stop, can't fix, can't change.  Does it make us feel like failures?  Yes.  Have we earned that?  No!  We are the ones that loved them, more than anything in the world!  It is the most frustrating thing in the world to give your all and have it feel like it was not enough.

And yet...DID we fail?  We loved them with all our hearts, we had a beautiful relationship, they were happy with us in their lives, we understood each other, had faith in each other, trusted each other!  What is a failure about that?!  That they stopped breathing?  That their physical body gave out?  That was not ours to give, nor to take away.  Their spirit lives on, they haven't stopped being, it didn't obliterate them, they are in what is next for us...we will follow them there someday.  That thought, that hope, that keeps me going.  Knowing we'll be reunited!  I know, not everyone believes the same, yet most of us believe there is something beyond this realm that we know.  They say we are energy and energy doesn't die, it merely changes form.  My George was such a vibrant person, he had so much zest for life, I often said he reminded me of a young pup, wagging it's tail.  He can't just not exist!  He was too dynamic to just "die"!  I think of him rather as transitioned.  He's out of his suffering, no longer limited by this mortal body...his perceptions broadened, his body infinite and a timeless existence belongs to him now, just as it will to me someday.  

Our feelings of guilt are because our expectations of ourselves are unrealistic.  We aren't superman.  We aren't magic genies.  We don't have medical degrees, yet we expect the impossible from ourselves.  How realistic is that?!  These guilt feelings are part of our grief.  Read on here:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Thank you, i know thats all true. I know these feelings might be irrational and not healthy to put it all on me but its there. I'm always in the middle about God and an afterlife, all i can say is i really really hope there is. 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

I think you are a tad bit too hard on yourself.  You did not fail her.  While we all wish that we can be the protector and save all of those who we love, the truth is that we cannot... nor can we predict the future.  I didn't experience much of the typical survivors guilt during my grief process, but I learned quickly during my ugly grief days that we are all vulnerable.   Like many of those out there, I had this false sense of security believing that if my family and I did all the right things by going through each day being mindful about our future, that everything will be OK.   Little did I know that not only is Death inevitable, it can come at ANYTIME and without warning.    Be kind to yourself and try to release yourself from blame.

Thank you.  Yeah i know i am very hard on myself and shouldnt be. I'm trying to release myself from blame but who else is there to blame besides her and i cant and wont put that on her, even though not going to lie occasionally i do blame her for leaving me. Yeah i learned that harsh reality too, no one is ever promised tomorrow. 

 

5 hours ago, Spengler said:

I fully understand the guilt. I feel it, too. I was strong for her, oh so strong. But, I wasn't strong enough.

Thanks for understanding, yeah feeling like no matter how much we did or how strong we were it wasnt enough is really defeating and unbearable hard. 

[KayC]

Did you read the article I posted the link to?  It explains it better than I could.

[Azipod]

14 hours ago, JBSC01 said:

 

Thank you.  Yeah i know i am very hard on myself and shouldnt be. I'm trying to release myself from blame but who else is there to blame besides her and i cant and wont put that on her, even though not going to lie occasionally i do blame her for leaving me. Yeah i learned that harsh reality too, no one is ever promised tomorrow.  did or how strong we were it wasnt enough is really defeating and unbearable hard. 

I know, it's normal to feel guilty.  All of us wish that we would be the best for our partners.  And when they didn't receive the best, we tend to look back at ourselves and wonder what we did or did not do.    Like you, I also had some blame for my partner as well during my earlier days.  Not really blame per se, but I recall in the early weeks I would question why she left me (as if she had a choice!?) during my crying spells.   Its very interesting to see all of us go through the same feelings, but in our own different ways during grief.  Some of us linger on particular feelnigs for a very long time, while others go through it quickly but spend more time on other challenges.  Rest assured that all of us will get to experience all the facets of grief ... we will not be left short handed.

[Jamiei]

You are being to hard on yourself... I understand how you are feeling but it sounds like you took care of her for years! You should be proud, I’m sure she was so thankful she had you! I lost my boyfriend to a sudden heart attack and I did cpr till rescuers arrived but I did beat myself up for not being able to save him!! I talked to a doctor shortly after and he told me there was nothing else I could have done! I relive that day over and over! It’s horrible but my guilt has lessened some! Now it’s just the terrible pain of him being gone! Try not to beat yourself up if you can!

[Marcel]

It's difficult. I tried to do everything for my wife. I quit my job to stay home full time, taking care of her, doing household chores I'm so ill prepared for, but in the end, I couldn't do anything more than letting her go. The last four years took it's toll on my own health but still I wonder what I could have done or said to keep her fighting spirit up just a little longer.
I'll never know. I just hope she knows how much I loved her, that alone would make it easier.

[JBSC01]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

Did you read the article I posted the link to?  It explains it better than I could.

Yes I did, thank you, a lot of good info, and lot of other good articles on that site as well. 

13 hours ago, Jamiei said:

You are being to hard on yourself... I understand how you are feeling but it sounds like you took care of her for years! You should be proud, I’m sure she was so thankful she had you! I lost my boyfriend to a sudden heart attack and I did cpr till rescuers arrived but I did beat myself up for not being able to save him!! I talked to a doctor shortly after and he told me there was nothing else I could have done! I relive that day over and over! It’s horrible but my guilt has lessened some! Now it’s just the terrible pain of him being gone! Try not to beat yourself up if you can!

Thank you, i'm trying to be easier on myself. Its just nothing makes sense and its easier to put it all or most of it on me. 

11 hours ago, Marcel said:

I just hope she knows how much I loved her,

I'm positive she knows. All of our loved ones have to know how much we loved them and still do, always and forever!

[KayC]

7 hours ago, JBSC01 said:

i'm trying to be easier on myself. Its just nothing makes sense and its easier to put it all or most of it on me. 

Maybe we do that because we don't know where else to put it.  I looked for answers to "why" and never got any.  I don't think there ARE any!

In time I learned to accept what is rather than fighting it so hard or beating myself up over it, nothing I could say or do would change anything anyway.

Praying for peace and comfort for all here.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I feel all of this too❤️Thank you all for sharing your feelings.