Loss my beloved 14 year old doberman Friday August 3rd 2018

[David L]

On Friday August 3rd 2018 at 11:45am I put my 14 year old doberman to sleep. She had problems with her hips, had a bad leg, and was unable to stand up with help as the days started to run out. Many times I had to help her lift her body off the ground to "get going". The constant diarrhea began about a week ago. She soiled herself a few times as the days passed, and on Thursday, had an "accident" in our living room, hallway, kitchen and porch that day. I was so angry I shouted at her really loudly. 

It was not her fault, it was mine, as earlier I let her outside to do her business, then brought her inside, thinking she was "ok". I was working in my home office for approx 1 hour and went to check on her. When I saw the mess I lost my temper. I put her outside, cleaned the mess and decided it was time to put her down as she was so sick, and had already survived her stomach getting twisted in December 2017.  Seeing her in her condition, I felt we were keeping her alive for us, not her. 

That evening she had two more accidents, and there was blood in her liquid excrement. We made an appointment for the vet to come to our house the very next morning to end her suffering. 

That dreadful morning my wife and I stayed with her, we said our goodbyes individually, and had our own private time with her. I asked "Maitai", [that was her name] to forgive me for sometimes shouting at her. I was with her until the very end, as the vet injected her, I was holding her and stroking her fur, telling her everything will be ok. I wanted her to feel my touch as the last thing she felt before she left this life.  I am happy I was there for her in her last 2 minutes of life, but the experience was so traumatic for me. It tore my heart out, but I held my emotions in, until the VET said she had passed.

I buried her in my garden as could not bare having her body "disposed of".  I have gone to her grave a few times over the past few days just to be near her.

I feel so bad for shouting at her on Thursday. The guilt is literally killing me. Grief stricken comes close to describing how I feel. I cant eat much, hard time sleeping, and am constantly thinking of her.

I love her more than words can express and only wish I could have her back just one more day to look in her beautiful eyes and hold her. My wife tries to reassure me, we did the right thing, but I feel so so guilty. I am 57 years old and cried all weekend, and today, like a 5 year old kid. 

For the past 3 years my wife and I did not travel together. We had a very limited social life as we did not want Maitai to be left in the company of others, as it would have stressed her out too much.

Some people suggest she is in a realm, somewhere in space and time, waiting for my wife and I to cross the rainbow bridge when our time comes to be with us again. I hope that is true, and so look forward to seeing her again. This time, I will never let her go, as we will be together, this time forever. I wish there was a way I could reach out, across space and time to tell her once again to forgive me, and to tell her how much I miss and love her. 

Hopefully day by day, I will be able to forgive myself and accept she is gone. There is a hole in my heart so big I don't think it can be filled, or explained.  As strange as it seems, I am looking forward to my own passing, just to be with her again. But for now I have my wife and two other dogs to think of, and to care for.

For anyone reading this post, know that I share your pain in losing your best friend, and hope you can manage the days to come, perhaps better than me. 

[Lg07]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had to put down my 15 year old chihuahua last Wednesday and I feel the same way. I hope you can feel better and Remember maitai with all the good memories you had together.

she was beautiful.

[chocko-cake]

I'm sorry for your loss, David. It is a gutwrenching pain, I agree. I don't think you should feel guilty at getting upset. Your were there for your beautiful girl when she needed it most and that's what you should remember. I do understand the guilt though. It is just awful. 

[KayC]

I am very very sorry you had to lose your Maitai.  I used to have a Doberman, many years ago, yours reminds me of my own.  Very sweet intelligent dogs.

My last dog that died was a whippet, Lucky.  She was incontinent the last two years of her life.  She was also a very anxious dog, scared, but so good, and very sweet.  She went through what your Maitai went through, her legs giving out from under her, and I can relate to your post.  I finally had her put to sleep, she was 14 and starting to whimper in her sleep.  Sure she could have lived a few months longer, but at what cost to her?!  I didn't want her to suffer any more.  And every time she was incontinent she felt bad, yet she couldn't help it.  She wanted to please so bad!  It's very hard to be the one in charge of making such a decision with someone you love so very much....and afterwards, all the what ifs, it's hard.

Be kind to yourself...she would be.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

And here's your rainbow bridge, where she waits for you to join her:

[David L]

14 hours ago, Lg07 said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had to put down my 15 year old chihuahua last Wednesday and I feel the same way. I hope you can feel better and Remember maitai with all the good memories you had together.

she was beautiful.

Thank you so much for your kind message. I really appreciate it. I am very sorry for your loss as well. Many people cannot relate to people like us.

In time I hope both you and I can forgive ourselves. I made a lot of mistakes in caring for her, and so wish I could relive the past 3 months to make it up to her. I cant. But at least I was there for her until the bitter end. Thats what I am trying to say to myself. Thank you once again for reaching out. 

I hope you heal quickly, and the pain gets less each day from now.

[David L]

9 hours ago, chocko-cake said:

I'm sorry for your loss, David. It is a gutwrenching pain, I agree. I don't think you should feel guilty at getting upset. Your were there for your beautiful girl when she needed it most and that's what you should remember. I do understand the guilt though. It is just awful. 

Thank you for your kind words. They are very comforting. I keep saying to myself, "we will be together again, when the time comes". I also talk to her throughout the day and night in my mind. I find that comforting a bit. Not sure if she hears me, but I sure hope so. 

[David L]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am very very sorry you had to lose your Maitai.  I used to have a Doberman, many years ago, yours reminds me of my own.  Very sweet intelligent dogs.

My last dog that died was a whippet, Lucky.  She was incontinent the last two years of her life.  She was also a very anxious dog, scared, but so good, and very sweet.  She went through what your Maitai went through, her legs giving out from under her, and I can relate to your post.  I finally had her put to sleep, she was 14 and starting to whimper in her sleep.  Sure she could have lived a few months longer, but at what cost to her?!  I didn't want her to suffer any more.  And every time she was incontinent she felt bad, yet she couldn't help it.  She wanted to please so bad!  It's very hard to be the one in charge of making such a decision with someone you love so very much....and afterwards, all the what ifs, it's hard.

Be kind to yourself...she would be.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

And here's your rainbow bridge, where she waits for you to join her:

Hello KayC,

Thank you for the wonderful links. I cannot tell you how important the articles were to me regarding coping with my guilt. One recommendation I read was to write a forgiveness letter to Maitai, to read it out loud over her grave and then to burn the letter. 

15 minutes ago I did exactly that. I asked her for forgiveness for all my mistakes, told her how much I loved her, thanked her for coming into my life, and for accepting me as her Dad. 

I asked her in my letter to wait for me, and when we are together again, we would never be separated again. 

Writing the letter, and reading it out loud over her grave really helped me to relieve at least some of the terrible pain and guilt I am carrying. I hope somehow, someway my words have reached her and are a comfort to her in knowing just how much I love her.

Again, thank you for the links and caring enough to reply to my post.

[AJWCat]

Hi David, I am sorry for your loss, she was so beautiful too. My cat's end, like yours, was pretty sudden. The one thing I hang onto, that many people do not get, is that we were there. I can't imagine coming home to him being gone. I know how guilty you feel, but that one moment did not, could not, replace the years of love and companionship for her so don't even let yourself start thinking that way.

I wish I could offer something to help you, there are no easy answers. When we lose such a love in our life it is heartbreaking. Every day we wake up - we miss what we did with them and for them. We want them back. And then we go through crazy waves of emotion often unpredictable: sadness, disbelief, guilt, anger, you never know.

Just be kind and patient with yourself as it was a big loss for you both. Time heals I promise. My "one year" is almost here. I have found peace. I have good memories now. (Although my heart still has a crack in it from almost breaking.)

[David L]

22 minutes ago, AJWCat said:

Hi David, I am sorry for your loss, she was so beautiful too. My cat's end, like yours, was pretty sudden. The one thing I hang onto, that many people do not get, is that we were there. I can't imagine coming home to him being gone. I know how guilty you feel, but that one moment did not, could not, replace the years of love and companionship for her so don't even let yourself start thinking that way.

I wish I could offer something to help you, there are no easy answers. When we lose such a love in our life it is heartbreaking. Every day we wake up - we miss what we did with them and for them. We want them back. And then we go through crazy waves of emotion often unpredictable: sadness, disbelief, guilt, anger, you never know.

Just be kind and patient with yourself as it was a big loss for you both. Time heals I promise. My "one year" is almost here. I have found peace. I have good memories now. (Although my heart still has a crack in it from almost breaking.)

Hi AJWCat,

Thank you so very much for your kind words and time spent writing your message to me. I am grateful to you and everyone else who have responded. Thank God I found this forum. Its so comforting to know that there are people out there that "get what I am going through". Most people don't understand. Sure they get the loss of a parent, child, etc. But have a hard time relating to a "pet" loss.

We know don't we, that we don't accept this word "pet". Maitai was not a "pet", she was a part of my inner essence. Something greater than a companion, friend, or whatever.

I am sorry for your loss as well. Know that by making an effort to come onto this forum and taking the time to write others in an attempt to ease some of their suffering is a wonderful gift you impart  on mere strangers. I plan to do the same, as a tribute to my angel "Maitai". She is waiting for me, and eventually we will be reunited. 

Once again, thank you for your kind message.

[KayC]

We do use the term "pet" loosely for lack of better words, to us they were like a child, definitely a member of our family, but also our companion, someone we loved and cared for very much, who also loved us.

I'm glad you wrote that letter.  I've heard it said that their spirits sometimes linger for a while, so maybe they hear us.  so much we don't know about what is to come, but some things are widely accepted, and that is that they continue to exist and we will be with them again.

Just working through this, it's quite an experience, it's all a process.  I pray for peace for you and your beloved Maitai.

[David L]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We do use the term "pet" loosely for lack of better words, to us they were like a child, definitely a member of our family, but also our companion, someone we loved and cared for very much, who also loved us.

I'm glad you wrote that letter.  I've heard it said that their spirits sometimes linger for a while, so maybe they hear us.  so much we don't know about what is to come, but some things are widely accepted, and that is that they continue to exist and we will be with them again.

Just working through this, it's quite an experience, it's all a process.  I pray for peace for you and your beloved Maitai.

Thank you KayC, your support, and the support of others of this forum, have helped me immensely.

I am planning to also try and help others that have gone through a similar loss and are in pain.

Its my way of "giving back" to the folks that helped me, and to honor my dog.

[KayC]

It's much appreciated...AJW has also stayed on and helps people from her experience.  I've had constant losses for years, family members, many of my animals, my husband, friends, grief has kind of become part of my purpose, helping others with what I've learned...others were there for me in my grief, I want to be there for others going through it.  I think one of the most important things needed is to be heard and understood, to know our feelings are normal, to have them validated.  We can't fix people's situations, but we can be there for them as they're going through it.

[AJWCat]

Agreed David, it has been my way of honoring my cat. I really felt like I was going crazy with grief. There is nothing "to do" and no way to "fix it." But coming here was the one thing that gave me some solace. Not to be alone. 

Sadly, we do hide a bit when it comes to pet grief. Like it is not the same as a person, so you don't deserve the feelings. Lots of people out there don't get it. I have no desire to convince them, I am sad for them actually. But here we can admit losing a pet is often worse than the loss of some people in your life. It was for me. 

[David L]

7 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Agreed David, it has been my way of honoring my cat. I really felt like I was going crazy with grief. There is nothing "to do" and no way to "fix it." But coming here was the one thing that gave me some solace. Not to be alone. 

Sadly, we do hide a bit when it comes to pet grief. Like it is not the same as a person, so you don't deserve the feelings. Lots of people out there don't get it. I have no desire to convince them, I am sad for them actually. But here we can admit losing a pet is often worse than the loss of some people in your life. It was for me. 

Truer words were never spoken AJWCat.