Lost my best friend yesterday

[Chriseparent]

Yesterday my dog died, He was 18 and ready, but I don’t know that I am. He was not socialized when I got him 8 years ago, so I ended up living off grid in rural arizona for him to have a home. I had no bills and no worries- we had 8 years of nothing but walks and fetch all day, every day. I uccesfully removed myself from society- you know that’s not hard to do- and my dog was my life. 
A couple days after trump was elected, I was in a serious car accident and spent the first night away from my dog since I got him. I lost some mobility, but learned how to throw a ball and even a frisbee with my left hand, though walking was difficult. After a few months, I was able to function normally again, though walking would remain a struggle- we still walked and played a lot. But after being injured, two different women came into my life who were narcissists- I was obviously easy prey I guess- and they both left me drained, and I know my dog could sense it. 
So I’m at the point where I feel both sad that I wasn’t fully present for my dog here at the end because I tried to give the same unconditional love as for my dog to unlovable people and have been feeling sorry for myself, and the knowledge that I myself have lost the only thing that made me loveable, that gave me any love for life. He was such an awesome dog.

He died yesterday at 3pm, I thought it was just a normal day. He ate breakfast, he fetched for the ball even though his legs were weak, and he slept all day while I went to work for a couple of hours. I came home and checked on him, he was laying outside instead of the garage where he usually slept. I went out and pet him, told him he was a good boy, then went inside to practice some guitar. I heard the garage door slamming from the wind so I got up to close it and check on Jake, and there he was, laying dead by his water bowl. He was 18 and he chose to go.
I had him for 8 years, my neighbor sort of just gave him to me and I took great care of him every day I had him. He wasn’t socialized so I ended up living in the rural desert so he could have a home. It was rough living, but I had no bills, only an income, so I could devote all my time to Jake, and I did. I doubt there is another adult who could compare their friendship with their dog to what we had. Even though I was the one in charge, we were friends and I let him be a dog. We spent 5 years doing nothing but going on walks and playing ball (he was a golden retriever mix). I took him everywhere I went- he loved rides. If it involved a ball, he loved it. We played fetch, baseball, tennis, even basketball. He was such an awesome dog. He was hit by a truck 3 years ago and started to lose bodily functions 2 years ago, though he could still walk til the end.
For the last 8 years my life has revolved solely around my dog- 6years of no drinking, no smoking, no sex, never spending a night away from my dog... and then two women came into my life like gifts from heaven, but weren’t able to deal with my emotions of my dog dying and I’ve been left depressed and alone, the most recent breakup being 2 weeks ago. Writing helps but otherwise I am at a total loss. I’m putting off digging the hole to bury him, his dead body is all I have left, I feel like, in the world.

[Filly]

Hello fellow GLP'er!  I read your story this afternoon about your best friend and now checking in here, reading again.  I am so sorry that you have lost your best friend.  I know how bad it hurts and how it shakes you to the core.  Grief has many phases and I wouldn't wish any of those on anyone.  We know when we go into taking on a pet that most often we will outlive them, and that there really is never enough time, no matter the length of time that we are allowed to share with them.  It never makes it any easier though.

What a long life he had and obviously a very good one with you.  The last thing that you can do for him is to bury him and allow him to rest in peace.  Many of us have had to go through the "last thing we can do for our best friend," being that we had to euthanize them when they were suffering.  To be able to die on our own terms is something that most of us can only wish for, for ourselves and our loved ones, be they 2 legged, 4 legged, winged or scaled.  Even that does not make it any easier for you.  

Most of us have dealt with or are still dealing with the alone-ness, regrets or guilt for not doing something more to be of service to our friends and being too hard on ourselves.  I truly believe that your dog, my cat(s), and the animal friends of others in this forum would not want us to dwell too long on our guilt and regrets.  They are so pure of heart and their love is like no other, so I can only believe that they would want us to remember them in love and with love.

The only thing that I know of that will help is time and even then, we never forget.  It only gets a bit easier, life will go on and we can choose to do the same or not.  It will take some time to begin to accept that he left on his own, of his own choosing, in his own way and that he should be thought of, remembered and honored with love.  And just as your body has healed or is healing, so will your soul.  It's just going to take time and I wish you healing while finding your peace.



 

[JFournier]

As you said, he was your best friend and will always be your best friend. It just hurts so much when they leave us, my heart aches for my beloved Melly. Your puppy was given to you to love and cherish, which you did, that is all that can be asked of us owners of these beautiful creatures. If they had a choice they would be her forever because they love us so but they cannot and this is the hardest part of losing them. I am so sorry for your loss, I weep with you and know your loss. xoxo

[KayC]

Golden Retrievers average life span today is nine years, so 18 is truly amazing.  Mine is Golden Retriever/Siberian Husky and is 10 1/2.  I can relate very much to how you describe your relationship with your dog because my Arlie is everything to me and I can't imagine life without him in it.  I live in the country and retired a few years ago so also spend my days with my dog.

I'm very sorry your best friend had to die, that is so hard and I know the loss felt is keenly great.  RIP dear soul.  I truly believe we'll be together again.  Maybe it won't go quite as depicted here, but who knows, I believe it will be, somehow.

 

[Chriseparent]

That is truly beautiful.  I hope you cherish the time with your dog and aren’t worrying about the end until it happens.

[teresa cummings]

I so totally understand how you feel Chriseparent.  My best friend has been gone two weeks and it's killing me.  Hope we both reach a place of acceptance and peace.  Bless you.

[Chriseparent]

2 hours ago, teresa cummings said:

I so totally understand how you feel Chriseparent.  My best friend has been gone two weeks and it's killing me.  Hope we both reach a place of acceptance and peace.  Bless you.

Thank you.  I’m sorry to hear about that.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Chriseparent said:

That is truly beautiful.  I hope you cherish the time with your dog and aren’t worrying about the end until it happens.

Thank you, I enjoy him immensely.  I think once you've been through grief, the thoughts occur to you that you could lose them, but I try to push those thoughts away and stay in the moment.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[David L]

Hi Chris,  man my heart goes out to you.  I get what you are saying about people and over the years I myself have shed a lot of humans,  choosing to spend time with my dogs.  

I just lost my dog on Friday and share your pain brother.  I wrote a post on this forum tonight as well in the hopes that it would relieve some of the grief. 

Please know that you are not alone. Also know that there are other dogs looking for people exactly like you,  who are in need of love and care.  

When the time is right,  please try to adopt another one as a kind of a tribute to Jake. This will help heal your soul.  I am sure your precious Jake will approve. 

Hope my comments will in some way help in comforting you a bit.    

[Chriseparent]

Thanks David.  So sorry for the loss of your dog.