Nothing But Silence After The Funeral

[Nicole-my grief journey]

After my mother’s funeral everyone left. All the people, calls, food, visitors. I expressed to EVERYONE that it was fear that would happen. How my dad and me need help. How much I am scared about the way I feel. That I can barely take care of myself, let alone my dad. Everyone, no joke over a hundred people at the funeral saying to me “you have to take care of your dad”. Not even considering the fact that I was a puddle of broken mess inside. Not considering the fact that I don’t even live in this state and that i haven’t been to my apartment, car, belongings, healthcare or job in 3 months. Them not considering the fact that my brother and his family live 5minutes from my dad and the rest of the community does too. I was promised by many it wouldn’t be that way. We wouldn’t be alone. We would have a multitude of support. Yet, there it was...the gut wrenching silence of losing my mother and best friend. My father falling to pieces. Both of us surrounded by all her things and everything single detail of the beauty that she created a heartbreaking reminder that she is gone. Inside her house in silence. I’ve been sitting outside the house for days because it’s too hard to be in there. I’m not in the phase of feeling those blessings that she did and created so much. I’m not in the part of my grief where I can hear she’ll always be in my heart and how her spirit surrounds me. I know it does. I know all of that. I was the closest person to her. I came out of her for goodness sake! I feel her spirit, but long for her touch, her voice, her face, her smile, her light. I’m in the part where I’m angry that my brother and his wife didn’t check on us the last few days and left for a vacation. That they told us about it the night before they left. 12 hours before they got in the car! I’m angry and hurt that I straight up expressed my worry about our dad and my own mental state. Crying, asking them to stay...and they left. And now they have sent messages wanting me to co-sign their BS about going away and how they need it. I don’t care if they need it. The two of us are just trying to survive and make it hour by hour without losing all of our sanity. Unable to pull it together to go to the grocery store for food. Stacked with the fact, that I knew they would do that to us. I hoped it would be different. That they would do what I feel is the right thing. We’ve all done it for them. My mother and father were so good to them! Every time my mother had an emergency and even an hour before she was about to die, I had to tell my brother he wasn’t going to leave the room. Telling him, be here for and with our mother or you will have regret the rest of your life. Some have said “not everyone handles grief the same way”. To that, I say, NO SH**. I get it, understand it and that’s ok. But the rest of us, like me, are left holding the bag. Every time. This is the 3rd time with my immediate family I have done the “take care of it all, be the glue type of person”. Not getting to grieve in the way I need because SOMEONE has to take care of the immediate. I don’t have it in me anymore. But I won’t leave my dad and it hurts that all the people he, my mom and myself have helped have abandoned us. Except for a best friend who is overworked, over tired and needing to deal with her own heavy load. My friends are amazing actually, but they all have families and are overwhelmed and I can’t and don’t expect them to do more because they helped me with all of the funeral stuff and food right after my mom passed. Not my brother. He actually went away for days while we planned it all and then would put his two cents in with a last minute phone call trying to change things. I called 6 different therapists in 2 days to get help...only 1 replied to let me know they are booked for two months. Now I see why the people in this city are hopeless and dying by overdoses, mental illness and heartbreak. It’s because when they do reach out, no one is there. Healthcare fails them. I haven’t answered my brothers text because I have no idea what to say...I don’t have forgiveness in me at the moment. I don’t have understanding in me at the moment. What I feel like saying is, “Now I know who you are at your core and I don’t like it”. I won’t say that to him though because once you say it, you can’t take it back. And I’m praying my feelings will change about his lack of EVERYTHING. Unbelievable...he is almost a decade older than me and only sees what he wants. He is the last brother I have because I lost the other two and I don’t want it to be this way. I feel like I have to say to myself to forget him. Make him a non factor. I’m mad at myself for forgetting what he is really like and how he doesn’t handle things. I’m spitting fire and I don’t like myself for it, but it’s how I feel in this moment. I need prayers to gain a peaceful heart and forgive. Prayers and vibes to gain a different perspective on this. Thank you. 

[reader]

Dear Streaming the Light,

I'm very sorry for the additional pain and sorrow you feel after the funeral. Sadly it is so common. Many friends and family and colleagues are going back to their normal lives but we are still coping with your grief.

I'm also sorry to hear about your brother. I know its hard. There is so much to deal with.

Take care of yourself the best you can. Sending all my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you.