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Lost My Little Soulmate and Worry that I'll Never Get Through This


ddsmum

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It's been over a month since I had to have my sister take my favorite dog in the universe in to have her put down.  My family was on vacation, thousands of miles away, and I couldn't be there with her.  It breaks my heart every day.

Her name was Dora and she was absolutely the best dog I could have ever imagined.  She was getting older, almost 15, and was showing the signs that creep up as one ages, and I knew that I'd have to let her go sometime in the near future, and that it was going to be difficult, but I had no idea!  NO IDEA!  I feel guilty that I wasn't there and that maybe something could have been done if I'd been there, that maybe I missed something.  I feel awful that someone she didn't know that well was there at the end instead of me. I know she was in pain and that her quality of life was rapidly deteriorating, but I still have a lot of "What ifs".

I can barely sleep.  Not a day has gone by without me crying at some point, sometimes even in public which is something I've rarely done. I feel sick, like I can't find a reason to keep going sometimes.  I have children and other pets and know that I "should" be able to find comfort in that, but it hurts so much! I just want the pain to stop.  I know that I have to go through it or it will just come out some other way or at some other time, but it's so intense.  

I've appreciated reading the posts of others because it makes me feel a little less crazy.  Thank you

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Dora is a beautiful dog, I can see why you miss her...I am so sorry for your loss.  I know it's tremendous, I know the pain you're in.  No matter how many times we've been through this, it never prepares you to lose another, especially the one dearest to our heart.  Every once in a while someone gets that "special dog" that they identify with, the one who is their soul dog.

All of the whatifs are common in grief, guilt that isn't deserved or earned but which we feel...it's as if it's our body's way of trying to find some other outcome, something with a different ending, only there is no other outcome, only this one, and it's hard to digest.  The pain is very real.

Having other pets or children doesn't negate the grief you feel for THIS one.  I am glad you re not alone.  I hope you will seek professional grief counseling if your feelings continue to the extent you can't function or it goes on longer than you think it should.  It can take a very long time to process our grief and it sometimes helps to have someone that helps us navigate our way through it.  Read the other threads that have been posted here recently, it helps to know your feelings are normal under the circumstances.  

Meanwhile let your tears flow as they will.  

I hope these articles will be of help to you..

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

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We're here to listen whenever you want to write.  I know the emotions are great.  :(

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Thank you, @KayC. 

It is still so hard.  I just miss her sweet face and silky fur.  And everything else. 

The guilt is also terrible.  I wish I could  go back in time and not go on the trip. I don't know if it would have made any difference, but I wish I could have been there for her.  She would have been there for me.  I feel like I let her down.

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I hope you read the links I posted for you, they help tremendously to understand what/why/how of this guilt...we often take it on when we aren't deserving of it.  The truth is we loved them and they knew that and they loved us too, they wouldn't want us feeling that way, they'd want us to remember what we shared during our all too brief years together.

Did you read David's post (lost his Doberman)?  He wrote a letter to his dog and read it to him at his grave, it can not only be therapeutic, but I like to think his dog heard him.  It might help if you tried something like that.

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Your avitar...is that a picture of your dog?  I love it!
I hope writing a letter helps you, it's good to express yourself, to get your feelings out.  I particularly like the link that's a PDF but both are good.

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Hi ddsmum,

First I am very sorry for the loss of beautiful Dora. She looks like a real cutie, with very loving eyes.

I know exactly what you are going through and carry guilt of shouting at my little girl when she relieved herself in the house, the day before we decided to put her down (last Friday August 3rd 2018). She was 14.5 years young. I did NOT put her down because of her "accident", rather she had a bad leg, poor vision, and had trouble standing up on her own. At least once a day I had to lift her up a bit to get her going. 

Last Friday, when I said goodbye to her, was so so hard. I am a grown man, 57 years old, and I can tell you, I cried like a 5 year old school girl.

Just yesterday while driving in my car, I burst out crying thinking of her twice. I am sure the other cars thought I was crazy, but I did not care. I have cried every day, multiple times a day, since last Friday. People who know me, would be shocked, as generally I am a very strong willed person. What a joke that "idea" really is.

Just today I told my wife "if only", if only I did this, if only I did that, what if we did this for her, or that for her.

The truth is my little girl (not so little) was ready to cross the bridge to get her new body, and to relish in her new reality that she has no more pain, she has new friends, and will be waiting for me, when I see her again. 

Reading the links that KayC provided REALLY helped me so much. Please click on the links. They will help you. One thing I read was to write a letter to your little girl, and to read it out loud. Explain how much you loved her, and how sorry you are for the mistakes you made. Ask her to forgive you, and to wait for you. Then when finished reading it out loud to her, bury the letter in her grave (if thats possible), or if not possible, light the letter on fire, and let the ashes fall where they may.

This seemed strange to me, when I first read this suggestion. But I did it anyway. It really did help, and I swear to you, I received a message in my mind, after finishing reading to her. The message that popped into my mind, was a message from her, telling me she heard me, and forgives me.

Reading this you may think I am a bit crazy. But I assure you, I am a very rational, and grounded individual". At least thats what I keep telling myself (smile).

But seriously, it did help me to purge some of the guilt of not being the perfect dad. I know in my heart she forgives me for my antics and mistakes over the 14.5 years we were together, and I am sure she will be waiting for me when my time comes.

Please write the letter to Dora, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sending you blessings and support...

David 

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Thank you, @David L.

I have been thinking about the letter and plan to write one.  Right now I'm dealing with the loss of my 18 year-old cat who died early this morning.  Two losses in less than two months.  I think I'm going to just shut down.

 

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@ddsmum  I am so sorry.  That is very hard, all the more so if you were not expecting it.  My heart goes out to you, sometimes there are just no words adequate.  sending you hugs...

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Very beautiful picture of her, she reminds me of Autumn, a cat I had years ago, she was very tiny, only lived to 14.

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Hi @ddsmum I just wanted to say I saw that you also lost your cat and I am so sorry. :( Another loss so close after your beautiful dog. I know you are in a lot of pain. We are here. Post when you need to, it can help. I wrote pages and pages to get all my emotions out (including anger.) 

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Thank you, @AJWCat.  It's so much right now that it almost doesn't feel real.

The house feels empty.  I feel lopsided when I go for walks with only one dog.  I keep expecting my cat to come running out into the kitchen.  I miss snuggling with Dora.  She's the one who would have helped me get through all of this.  She would always come to see if I was okay if I was crying. 

It's starting to feel a little less excruciating, but I sort of wonder if I'm just in shock since I lost them both so close to each other.  I guess time will tell.

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I can't imagine losing them both so close together, I can imagine your loss.  My dog and cat are elderly and could very well go close together when it comes.  I'd thought I'd end up with Miss Mocha but alas she died unexpectedly a couple of years ago and preceded them both.  My heart goes out to you, I know this is a lot to digest and take in.

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I do think you might be in shock. it is all so sudden. It is one big change (loss) with a million little changes to your everyday life. Time will heal I promise but time it will take time.   

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How could you not?!  This is the hardest thing to get through...loss of a spouse, child, close pet, they impact our everyday lives, they are our closest loves, it's very very hard to get used to.

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