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IAmBecauseYouWere

Numb after losing my little brother

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IAmBecauseYouWere

Hey everyone. It’s my first time ever posting something like this. I’m not really even sure how active this site is and if I’ll get any replies. 

I lost my little brother in a car accident on Christmas Eve 2017. He was 16, I was 20. Him and I were on our way to my dads house to celebrate with the rest of my siblings. I was badly injured (concussion, many broken bones including neck), and he was unfortunately killed. I have no memory of the accident, although when I woke up in the hospital I remembered my car sliding on a patch of ice. 

I go from feeling okay about everything, to numb, to excruciating heartbreak. I feel like I will never feel genuine happiness ever again. I hate what this has done to my family. There’s 7 of us siblings total, and it has just completely wrecked all of us. My mom is the worst. Her life was ruined by this car accident. 

I struggle with a lot of guilt over this. I wasn’t on my phone, wasn’t under the influence. But I still can’t help but feel responsible for his death. 

Its been 7 months and things don’t seem to be getting any easier. I don’t even have a specific question I’m looking to have answered. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Sonia92

Hi, nice to meet you.

Like you, I have never written on this forum before, but I decided to sign up here because I lost one of my older sisters last week (I have two older sisters). She was 36 years old and she was seriously ill of APS (antiphospholipid antibody syndrome): APS provokes blood clots (thrombosis) in both arteries andveins as well as pregnancy-related complications such asmiscarriage, stillbirth, preterm delivery, and severepreeclampsia. From the day of diagnosis to the day of her death have been only eight months, she'll go away in an instant.

I understand very well how you feel: I'm afraid that I'll never be happy anymore, that my family and especially my mother will never be peaceful and quiet anymore and that the life of my family members is ruined.

I don't have any real advice to give you, because I find myself in your same situation, but I think that all we can do is live day by day and accept all the feelings that we feel about our loss: there will be days when we will feel good and the days when we will feel very bad. 

There is nothing that we can do to change things. The affection and love of others can help us feel better, but I know that from now on I will have to learn to live with the pain of her absence.

My sister died very recently, so I don't know yet how it will evolve pain and how I feel about her absence in a week, a month, six months or a year, but I know two things: we will always feel the lack of our loved ones, but with the passage of time, year after year, we will accept their loss and we will go on living, even if nothing will be as before.

I'm sorry I can't help you more, but I hope that sharing my pain with you will make you feel less alone.

P.S: I apologize for all the grammatical errors in my text, but I'm Italian and I can't t write very well in English.

I send you a big hug, Sonia

 

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JudyS

I'm so very sorry for your loss! I just lost my older brother to cancer a few days ago and am quite honestly a bit numb right now so like your other responder I am not sure how things will go with me as time goes on. I just feel fortunate that I had so much time with my brother, you must be mourning not only the loss of your brother but the loss of what could have been in your brother's life as well as your own. Like you I also come from a family of 7 so hopefully your family will be able to come together to support one another. We are having some difficulty in that regard but one of the benefits of having a large family is that I feel like I can always find someone to connect with and so that we can support each other. My sincere condolences to you and your family, I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!!

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tricia moses

my brother died 6 days ago.  He was my baby brother and I felt like a second mom.  I was his caregiver and was alone with him when he died.  I still feel its a mistake . He should be with me now and I will cook his favorite meal.  I loved him as if I gave birth to him.  I think of the many thing we would be doing together.  Shopping for birthday gifts.  Checking out the latest movies.  He was my best friend and I cant stand this.  I know I need help.  I have seen him from the corner of my eye and heard him call me at the funeral home. please pray for me as I will pray for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lilian

I don't even know if you'll still read this since it's been ~2 months since your post, but maybe others will stand to benefit, too?

It was an accident. Accidents happen and sometimes, life really sucks and it's not your fault. But you have to keep going and try to fill your life with other memories and be happy without your sibling. So... in a way, for me at least, when people say "Time heals all wounds." It's not... healing, it's more like you fill yourself with other happy memories to dwell on instead of the loss and pain.

If you've ever thought, "I would switch places with him in a heartbeat" - ...You can't turn back time and if you died instead of your sibling, then it would be your sibling to deal with this grief, pain, and loss. I think the living has to deal with the suffering whereas the dead... are dead (if you're religious, you can tell yourself whatever you want in this aspect, though).

My little brother would have been 24 years old today if he hadn't died in a drowning accident 12 years ago. It sucks and I think, even now, I blame myself for it (I told him about that spot and I wasn't there hanging out with him, etc. etc.)

I don't think I cope with my grief the best - I tend to really bottle it up tightly and so do my parents. But, (wow, it's been 12 years) I keep telling myself that it's okay to be really fucking sad and that I will always be sad about my brother's death and I will keep on carrying that for the rest of my life. Maybe it's kind of weird, but I've started carrying his photo in my wallet as a way of sort of imagining him living his life, too (i.e. I wonder if he would have graduated high school, I wonder if he would have went to the same university as I did, I wonder what he would have majored in, I wonder...).

I went through the stereotypical stages of grief (and maybe I still go through them)... This sadness and pain will always be with me, but I'm going to try to live the best life I can, in lieu of my brother not getting to live his.

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