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Found out husband was still cheating after he died


Lost99

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My husband died 3wks ago and 2mths up until his death we were working past his infidelity.  After death, I found out not only did he NOT stop seeing this chick but there were also others stemming back at least 2 years...  i am SSSSOOOO mad at not being able to get answers.  I feel like sometimes my anger and disappointment at him prevents me from crying and feeling sad.  He was PERFECT in everyone's eyes and I'm over dealing with the pain of his imperfections.  I want to remember the good we had because we had plenty but all I ever think about is WHY and now I'll never know.  Its like I'm suffering twice, his death and his infidelity.  Will the anger of his infidelity ever go away????

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Lost, we are only human and all of us are subject to temptation. Some of us are strong enough to withstand temptation, but many are not. Just be aware that your husband's cheating was not your fault, rather it was an inherent flaw in his character. That didn't make him any the less a good person and a good husband, just a flawed one, a weak one.

 

In our 30-year marriage, my wife and I each had a close call. It would have been so easy to give in, and in my case it was past experience with the negative effects of cheating on a girlfriend, years before I met my wife, that gave me the wisdom to take a step back and say, no thanks. In my wife's case, it was support from me, her friends, and counselors that led her past the crisis.

 

Don't condemn your husband. Feel compassion for him. Not all of us are strong, and you had some good years with him.

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@Lost99  Hi, welcome here.  You are indeed going through complicated grief and so fresh in your grief.  To find things out AFTER they die is so hard to deal with because we can't ask them what the hell they were thinking or beat on their chest!  We don't have them to comfort us or give us answers.  But sometimes in real life we don't get those answers either.

One thing I have learned in processing my own husband's death (he wasn't cheating but he did go visit an XGF after we were married and she called a year after his death to talk to him) is to take the WHOLE of the man, not merely the part.  It's okay to feel anger, it's okay to miss him and love him at the same time, because ALL of your feelings are valid, even when they seem to be at odds with each other at the same time.  He wouldn't have stayed with you if he didn't have feelings for you.  I realize his cheating is unacceptable, and it's okay for you to tell him that now.  Many times in life we're called upon to forgive someone for something they haven't told us they are sorry for...it helps to understand that while it would make it easier to have their true repentance, we don't always get things in nice neat packages like that.  Sometimes we do it for us, so that what they did doesn't hold power over us or the ability to change us.

I encourage you to get grief counseling to help you navigate your way through this process and to help you heal.  

My husband came to me three weeks before he died and told me he'd been using Meth.  His boss got him on to it so he'd work faster.  I'm sure it didn't help his heart any, it thins the lining of it.  But with drugs comes lies and theft...in his case he stole from our household, leaving me $72,000 in debt and in the following year as I put two and two together I figured out the many lies he'd told me.  It made it really hard to deal with after his death.  I do thank God he came to me of his own volition and confessed to me, but even so, it was still hard as the full magnitude seeped in after his death.  I had to process and deal with each and every lie, each and every theft.  I had to remortgage my house to deal with the debt myself as I no longer had his income to help dig our way out of it.  I will be paying on my old broken down worn out mobile home and property until I am 80 years old, at a time when I'm retired and now everything is needing replaced on my home, roofs, ramp, stairs, supports, paint, flooring, etc. and I can't begin to pay for it all.  I have to do what I can and prioritize (roofing and repairs).  I previous had this home paid off before we were married.

I hate even talking about this now because I have processed it and let go of it by now...it's been 13 years since he died, and it's not how I want him remembered.  But I will do so if it can help someone else going through something similar.  

Understand that people are multifaceted and have all of these different things about them...most of those things may be good, but sometimes we do discover things about them after they pass that hurt us or change how we view them.  It's very tough to deal with.  My advice is not to saint him or villainize him either one, but realize him as a real human being that was both wonderful and lacking at the same time.  Cherish the good, try to forgive or let go of the bad.  It's neither simple nor quick, but it can be done, especially with professional help.

And keep coming here.  We get it.  We understand your feelings.  As Spengler so graciously pointed out, but for the grace of God, goeth I...

I am very sorry for your loss and for all you are going through.  (((big hugs)))

 

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@Spengler @KayC your responses have helped me tremendously.  Thank you for taking the time out to give me your input.  I felt so lost at first and now I'm in a better place with this part of the situation.  I love and miss my husband and now the happy memories are all I think of.  

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It takes much time for us to process this...don't be surprised when the grief strikes in waves.  I've learned to ride them out, let the tears flow, smiles will come again.  This is a complex journey but we'll be here with you to see you through it.

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My husband died on June 11. On July 1 we would have been married for 41 years. He had a heart attack and while he was in the hospital I was in such pain and grief. He had to be taken off life support. After he died I went home and started going over his computer. The first thing I came across was a yahoo account with a version of his name. There were all kinds of dating and sex sites. He, too, was the kind of person that everyone thinks is so wonderful. Now I find out that he spent 20 grand in 15 months on sex sites to talk to other women. TWENTY GRAND! In May he told me he didn't have enough money to pay for my prescriptions yet he was spending $399 at a crack for this stuff. There are all kinds of pics of him on his computer that were obviously taken for these sites. He signed up on dating sites and said things like he was widowed. On top of that, he totally destroyed our financial situation. I would ask and ask for him to sit down with me and work together to see where we were at. He always had an excuse and he changed everything to online billing using his passworded computer. He had 12 credit cards - all but one were maxed out. He had loans I didn't know about. I had to let the bank take his car as I can't afford it. Most everything was in his name so at least I am not on the hook for it but it has been a mess clearing it up. There are financial medical bills from years back until recently and, in my state, my lawyer says I am responsible for these bills. I found out my name is not on our mortgage loan. I am on the deed but not the loan. I found papers where it looks like he refinanced and forged my name. Then there are big messes all over our property because he would just leave junk everywhere. The garage is unbelievable. He told me he had a lot of life insurance but that turned out to be incorrect. Every time I start to look into things I find something else. It is like - who IS this person? So I get it. I start to feel sad over something we shared but right behind that is extreme anger. My degree is psychology with a master's in thanatology (the study of death and dying) plus we lost a son many years ago so I am very familiar with grief and coping mechanisms but this goes beyond grief. It is betrayal. I just sit and cry with the pain of it. I was a very good wife in so many ways so this is just devastating. If he hadn't died when he did I am sure we would have lost our house and had to declare bankruptcy so from that point of view I am better off without him but 41 years is 41 years. He isn't here for me to ask why or to express my anger to his face. I am so exhausted in every way: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. It is enough to have to deal with the grief part of this loss but this other stuff just pushes it way over the edge. And when I think of maybe finding someone else someday I realize I will never be able to truly trust anyone again. And I wasn't being stupid - he really didn't show any signs of this stuff. He always talked about me like I was a great wife to everyone and we did things together. We didn't have a sex life but that he had had issues with ED and really had never been a very sexual person. I really feel he was having some kind of mental issues such as a sexual addiction to spend that kind of money (which we didn't have - he was off work a great deal of that time) but that doesn't excuse what he did and it doesn't help me cope with it either. I have many friends who are being very supportive but in the end here I sit alone wondering what on earth happened. 

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I don't know what state you're in, but in Oregon, if you didn't sign on the dotted line, you aren't responsible for it.  If the credit cards are in both your names, however, you are.  But there is always bankruptcy.  If it's with the IRS you can try to file to be exempt being as you didn't know what he was doing.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.  You're not only grieving the loss of your husband, but who you thought him to be.  You may never know what was going on in his mind.  To spend all that $ on other women and tell you he couldn't afford your Rxs, he sounds extremely selfish.  Addictions do that to people.  

I hope you will get some professional grief counseling as this is very complicated grief and it would help you greatly in figuring out how to proceed.  Even though you have the degree, it's a very different thing to go through.

I hope you're able to reach the point where you can realize that other men are not the same as your husband.  My daughter has been going through the breakup of her marriage, learning her husband is nothing like who she'd thought him to be, he's changed drastically, and she said if it wasn't for her brother, who has exemplary morals and character, she'd lose faith in men altogether, but thankfully she has one man she knows and looks up to that she knows is a true blue person.  Perhaps there's a man in your life, a father, friend, brother, who also is upstanding that can help your faith restore in men.  Whether man or woman, there's both good and bad in both, we just have to be so careful in figuring out which is which.  

If you can't trust at face value, check people out.  I've learned a lot from marriagebuilders.com about restoring trust.  I'm just so sorry you're going through this, I know what you are facing is beyond grief, it IS betrayal of the worst kind.

 

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Tom died May 25. He had a sex addiction. He was honest about it from the beginning of our relationship but it caused us ALOT of heartache. About 10 days before he died I asked him if he was acting out. The conversation did not go well and I was hurt...yet again. My reaction to these confrontations was to shut down. After a few days we went back to our normal. I intended to approach the subject again but he died before that could happen. My son found the porn on his computer and deleted it hoping to spare me. But he was honest when I asked him, which I was grateful for. Then I found the hidden creams and alcohol. I felt so betrayed. And furious that he wasn't here for me to confront. After a few days I could process better. I was fortunate in that I was aware of his struggles. This behavior was not new to me and I could have the conversation in my head that we had too many times in the past. I'm sorry for this lie that you found. I know the gut wretching pain of finding the man you love betraying your love with this kind of crap. This is very deep. Tom constantly told me this was not about me. And it's not. It's is about him and the means he used to deal with life. It's beyond unfair that he's not here for you to confront him. And that YOU may have the financial burden of cleaning up his betrayal. Please be kind to yourself right now. 

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My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

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I am so, so sorry.  This is the hardest thing in the world for someone to put you through.  My husband confessed to me he'd been using drugs (his boss got him onto Meth so he'd work harder/faster).  It may be what hastened his death, he had just turned 51.  I am thankful he came clean to me of his own volition.  He was getting help.  But the whole year after his death I was still discovering lies/thefts from our household $...at the time he died we were $72,000 in debt (including medical left after ins.), prior to that I had no debt.  

It's on him that he didn't come clean with you or apologize.  He may have been trying to avoid hurting you but gaslighting you did NOT help!  I think it's important you get professional help for dealing with this.  How old are your kids?  Are you through with college yet?

You took the high road, even while he took the low road, you can always be proud of yourself for that.

I think it's important you confide in someone, perhaps a sister, a close friend, your mom?

I got a call from George's XGF a year after he died, she told me he'd traveled two hours to see her.  They just talked, like friends, this was after we got married.  I was working, I know he had a huge adjustment, moving away from everyone and starting anew in a different town, but it hurt and he wasn't here to talk about it with.  I couldn't beat on his chest and cry out to him or have him hold me!  

It took me time but eventually I was able to realize him in the WHOLE of him, not just the part, or the few things he did that hurt me.  It's easy to feel that everything you had was negated by the horrid thing they did on the home stretch.  It wasn't right, but in time I forgave him.  I wish it hadn't happened, but it did.  I did know he loved me, there was no doubt about that, but he did make some bad decisions.  I pray that you, too, will be able to reconcile it, for YOUR peace.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to express yourself, and know you're heard & understood, we want to be here for you.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

On 8/16/2018 at 2:08 PM, adventure said:

And furious that he wasn't here for me to confront.

I get it, I truly do.  There's nothing fair about any of this!

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On 12/25/2020 at 12:05 AM, Glady said:

My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

Thank you for sharing this. I noticed your post is from 2020. So recent. When I read your post, I could relate 100%. My fiance just passed unexpectedly Jan 30, 2021 at the age of 39. I just turned 51 in Feb. Yes, he was younger we had been together for 7 years. Whenever I would confront mine, he would tell me I'm going out to left field with things and he never did anything. I could also see things, or call it intuition, but he always made me feel like I was being ridiculous. Now after I look thru phone and text records from the phone company, I am trying to piece things together. There were definite "trys" of hook ups with other women. Not too frequent, but every couple months. But since I cannot see details of texts, I don;t know if he succeded or not. I'm still in the stage of investiagting. There is one number I am not sure if I will ever find out, but I am thinking he may have recently started an affair with someone, possibly at work, based on the times and dates. Makes me think she may have been married also, as the times and the number being so hidden from doing background checks. I am torn, because I feel so betrayed, as there were things I found, but feel guilty if I am being so mad, without any concrete proof, that he did have sex. It makes me mad enough, knowing he reached out and "tried" to have sex with another woman, thats enough to make me mad, as he always made me feel ridiculous for thinking something was going on. But because I don;t have 100% proof that he actually went thru with anything, I almost feel guilty being mad, because I don't know if he just tried and changed his mind out of guilt? I don;t like to see myself as stupid, but it's like I am grasping at he may not have actually had sex with another woman?!?! 

Am I being stupid? I know it's so hard to see and judge yourself when your in it, but maybe from someone else looking at it from the outside.

This is driving me crazy. I want to cry and miss him one moment and then be mad at him the next "if" he was cheating. But because I haven't seen 100% proof that he did have "sex" with another woman, Im driving myself nuts with wondering if I am wasting my time I could be grieving with the thoughts of if he did cheat. I wish I had the answer so I know how to really feel. I feel like it is something I can forgive him, if he did do it. He was kind of freaky and that is one of the things I loved about him. He is human and we are all tempted with things, some able to resist more than others. I've been telling myself, he wasn't perfect, but he was mine. But for my own knowledge I want to know what I am dealing with. 

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I am so sorry, but I really am glad you found this place.  I have been through so much in my life, there's not much I can't relate to, so when I read your story, it hits my heart.

Whatever he did or didn't do, it's not the details that matter, although it's natural for us to want to know exactly what happened.  He cheated.  Whether he actually had sex or not, he cheated.  The big thing is the secrets, lies, cover ups.  And gaslighting.  Oh how I hate gaslighting (where they try to make you feel YOU are crazy when you're actually spot on!  All to cover their tracks...)

NO YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!  

And it's okay to grieve even if he was a liar/cheat.  You see, people are complex.  They can have good points and bad points at the same time.  We grieve the good even while despising the bad.  What he did is NOT ACCEPTABLE, not in any circumstances!  If he were alive and you discovered all this, you would have a decision to make.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  Would you leave him?  You don't need to answer that now because  it's a moot point, thankfully.  But knowing all this may make it easier to leave in the past, I don't know, I really don't.  Or it may continue to bug you.  Honestly, I would see a grief counselor, this is complicated grief IMO.  

I too have had to forgive my husband his lies/theft from me for his drug use...to his credit he came clean three weeks before he died and he was in rehab.  I have hope we would have made it, but I also know it would not have been easy.  Perhaps it's that way for you, perhaps you would have made it over this hump in spite of all that he did.  In the end, we're left alone to deal with these hard things, without the benefit of talking it over with them or getting all the answers we feel we need.  

I hope you've read my response to OP above as I think it's applicable here too.  Also my "TIPS" article above.  I wish you the best going forward and hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  (((hugs))) 

 

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I finally figured out how to respond, lol.

KayC, thank you so very much for taking the time to respond and your wonderful advice. You have lessened my anxiety and going down the rabbit hole I was feeling. I was so caught up and needed something, reason for my reaching out on here. You kept it simple and straight to the point. Not mean, not one sided, exactly what I needed to hear.

Again, thank you so much for being here and sharing your pains and strengths xoxo

 

 

 

 

On 12/25/2020 at 12:05 AM, Glady said:

My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

Thank you for sharing this. I noticed your post is from 2020. So recent. When I read your post, I could relate 100%. My fiance just passed unexpectedly Jan 30, 2021 at the age of 39. I just turned 51 in Feb. Yes, he was younger we had been together for 7 years. Whenever I would confront mine, he would tell me I'm going out to left field with things and he never did anything. I could also see things, or call it intuition, but he always made me feel like I was being ridiculous. Now after I look thru phone and text records from the phone company, I am trying to piece things together. There were definite "trys" of hook ups with other women. Not too frequent, but every couple months. But since I cannot see details of texts, I don;t know if he succeded or not. I'm still in the stage of investiagting. There is one number I am not sure if I will ever find out, but I am thinking he may have recently started an affair with someone, possibly at work, based on the times and dates. Makes me think she may have been married also, as the times and the number being so hidden from doing background checks. I am torn, because I feel so betrayed, as there were things I found, but feel guilty if I am being so mad, without any concrete proof, that he did have sex. It makes me mad enough, knowing he reached out and "tried" to have sex with another woman, thats enough to make me mad, as he always made me feel ridiculous for thinking something was going on. But because I don;t have 100% proof that he actually went thru with anything, I almost feel guilty being mad, because I don't know if he just tried and changed his mind out of guilt? I don;t like to see myself as stupid, but it's like I am grasping at he may not have actually had sex with another woman?!?! 

Am I being stupid? I know it's so hard to see and judge yourself when your in it, but maybe from someone else looking at it from the outside.

This is driving me crazy. I want to cry and miss him one moment and then be mad at him the next "if" he was cheating. But because I haven't seen 100% proof that he did have "sex" with another woman, Im driving myself nuts with wondering if I am wasting my time I could be grieving with the thoughts of if he did cheat. I wish I had the answer so I know how to really feel. I feel like it is something I can forgive him, if he did do it. He was kind of freaky and that is one of the things I loved about him. He is human and we are all tempted with things, some able to resist more than others. I've been telling myself, he wasn't perfect, but he was mine. But for my own knowledge I want to know what I am dealing with. 

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Banker281

My husband just died on 11/30/20 at age 52 from a heart attack.  Two weeks after he died I went to cancel his subscriptions and noticed some payments to a phone number.  I googled the number and paid a site to get the info and found out it was a girl name.  Of course, it showed her info too.  I then checked our phone bill and that number was on it all the way back to Feb.  There was also another number from Oct 2019 until Feb.  It was hers too.  I got to adding up what he sent to the last number in google pay and then notice paypal payments.  And I was like wait a minute, I haven't seen anything from our acct.  So I looked in his wallet and found he had a credit card account linked to his stock acct.  So as I began to look at that acct I saw lots of transactions.  What he actually had given her was $19000 not including when they went out to eat, gas, him fixing her car, things at house, etc...  I was devastated when he died on the floor of our home gym in front of me but my heart shattered with this knowledge.   I felt like I was going crazy.

We were married 27 years and together 28, and this was one thing that I could have sworn would never had entered our marriage.  The other relationship started out as my husband helping/feeling sorry for her.  She did have a sad story (I have seen texts from his old phone...the new phone is password locked and I haven't been able to figure that out yet.)  She was living in a home with her kids and had wrecked her car.  Which my husband ended up buying my mom's car for her...he told his friend at work had somebody that came to town and had wrecked their car and needed one (lie 1).  He knew my mom was getting ready to sell hers. I asked if he got paid and he said yes (Lie 2).  I found out this from texts to the first number I noticed on our phone bill.  If he was legitimately trying to help this woman he wouldn't have kept it a secret from me,  His mind was already in the wrong place.  I don't know that they actually had sex (I am assuming so.)  I see where she says they can Link and Lick.  :wacko:. (and my husband would say he was thirsty:wacko:)  Almost all her texts are about money, my husband would tell her she was stressing him about money but he would still give her some...it may not be exactly what she asks.  But she tells him nothing cheap about her D.....That is definitely a true statement.  As far as eating out, my husband didn't even like eating out and most of the time he ate here at home before even seeing her.  He did have notes in his phone (because he couldn't talk to anyone about this; so that was his outlet) that he was or had ended it.  I can't wrap my mind around any of this.  It is like he was 2 different people, he was normal here however he had started drinking about everyday. (not getting drunk).  One of his notes said, my understanding of how you feel about me has changed.  It is somewhat liberating...He didn't have the same sense of responsibility.  What RESPONSIBILITY would he think he had???  Just from the texts I saw (this was Jan thru Mar) you could tell she was just using him for money...she didn't really care...she kept promising to "Treat" him,(Hotel Rooms--this didn't happen according to timeline--he even gave her money for the hotel).  As of March, they haven't had sex because they are talking about his size and she didn't know.  

I have checked his google timeline and can see everywhere he has been.  I don't understand how he couldn't see she was manipulating and deceiving.  I feel like he just got in and it was hard to get out of.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was even using blackmail (I'll tell your wife--yes she knew he had a wife).  So I get to grieve him dying right in front of me, what I thought my marriage was and the man I thought I knew.  I never would have known anything if I hadn't have found the payments...he was apparently good at compartmentalizing the two lives he had.  Unfortunately, my son found out about the affair the same day my husband died because we had used his thumb to unlock his new phone so we could get his work phone numbers out of it and she ended up texting that afternoon.  Accused my son of lying about it, like we had just found out about her and that was us saying he died so she wouldn't contact him anymore.  He met her at work (although they didn't work in the same departments), so she would have seen him again if we were lying about his death.  Of course, the name she was under in his phone was Chris (her name was Chrystal).. My son did see a few texts between them but nothing sexual.  But my husband kept most texts deleted.  

This is so devastating.  I know this is just a small amount of time of our marriage but I don't know how to overcome all this.  I am mad at myself for not knowing and confronting him, how could he still tell me he loved me everyday and get into bed with me every night?

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Nicolecm

Banker281, I am so sorry to read what you are going thru. It's hard enough to grieve the unexpected passing of someone we love, but then to have to grieve about what we found out on top of it, is devastating. Read some of the prior posts on this topic, if you have not already. They helped me some. Especially KayC, she is an angel sent with words of wisdom. I also found out mine was cheating after he died. It is such a horrible thing to have to go thru. So many unanswered questions, but like KayC said, even if they were still alive, we may not have gotten answers either. So now that they are dead, in a weird kind of way, it is doing us a favor. I can't help but think of the little things I found out about, what was there that I didn't find out about? But that doesnt matter anymore. I struggle daily. Some days mad and angry at him, others missing him and how could he have done this to me, feeling bad for him, what did I do wrong, etc... sometimes all in one day at different hours. Best thing I have heard is to not judge your feelings, just feel them. all of them, even if they are not making sense. I know the feeling of feeling like your going crazy. I found for myself, i started a journal. I only write in it, when I feel like it. sometimes I write about my feelings, sometimes I write to him, sometimes i write about the good times we had that I missed, sometimes I swear at him... but every time I always seem to feel better after I wrote them down and got them out. I also found googling about different things that I am feeling at the time I am feeling them, helps me. To start reading and focus on something else about what I am feeling. I found  reading about cheating husbands in general helps, even though their husbands are still alive, there is alot of similarity in feelings and doesnt matter alive or dead. Do not be mad at yourself, you trusted and believed in your marriage, there is nothing you should be mad at yourself about, be mad at him. It took me a little while to be mad at him, but eventually I did and thats ok. ((Big Hugs))

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@Banker281  I am so sorry!  I think this has to be the hardest situation of all because you spent your lives together, he was someone you knew and loved, but trying to reconcile this with the other person that he was is so hard, especially since he's not here to answer any questions.  We have to create our OWN closure, barring lack of any answers from them.  You are bound to have ambivalent feelings, feeling the love/missing him AND the anger at his betrayal!  Both feelings are valid ones, allow yourself to feel them.  Maybe it's just as well you can't get into the other phone, but I think there are places that you can take them to that can unlock them as sometimes they're sold locked on eBay and someone has to know how to do it or they wouldn't buy them.  You could start with your provider.  I'm not sure I'd want to know but knowing my curiosity, it'd probably win out.  The question is, what do you do with the information you've gleaned?  You may want to see a professional grief counselor since this is complicated grief to say the least.

My husband wasn't cheating on me, but I discovered secrets after he died, it was hard.  He'd been using Meth, and every $ he pulled from our household money (which went against my home I had paid for before we were married as it was a credit line on it) was covered by lies.  He did confess three weeks before he died and was getting treatment but he didn't provide details and all of those lies caught up with him AFTER he died, the first year or so especially.  He also sold my truck to pay for his drug use and then lied about it, saying he'd pulled something too heavy and ruined the engine.  I didn't see how he could be so stupid!  He wasn't.  A year after he died I got a call from his XGF and she told me he'd visited her shortly after we were married.  I know he was lonely as I was working and he'd relocated to be with me and didn't know anyone, it took him a while to build a life for himself here, BUT he lied to me about it!  Our agreement was we'd see others TOGETHER, not alone!  Even though I believe with all my heart that he loved me I felt incredibly betrayed by his keeping that from me.  In time I learned to accept the whole off the man, and realize he had different facets to him, not just the one I'd known/seen.  But man that's hard to do when they've died and you want to demand answers from them, want to see sorrow/regret etched in their face, want to see them try to make amends, as if they could!  It changes things.

Your anger is justified.  At some point it will be important for you to forgive him...not for his sake, but for yours.  Unforgiveness changes us, changes who we are so it's like throwing a dagger, only to have it come back to YOU!  It's unfair, no doubt about it.  Because of HIS actions, you're having to go through all of this!  And there's nothing fair about it.  The best thing we can do is go on to create as best a life as we can for ourselves and include a little happiness if possible.  And that takes time.  We can start today but it might take years to accomplish.  I hope you will read and save my "tips" as some of it will speak to you today but other parts not until further down the road as this is an ever-evolving journey.  It does not stay the same (thank God!) and is not stagnant.  If it's any consolation, I have learned so much in the last nearly 16 years since he died, that it has been rich...still I would trade it all to have him back for five minutes!   You may not feel that way and that is totally understandable!  I do want you to know there is "life afterwards" for us, and you will get through this.  I invite you to come here and post any time, you don't have to sugar coat it either.  We get it. :wub:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

@Nicolecm  Ditto to everything you wrote!  I love how you are progressing, I know it's probably the hardest thing you've ever been through, but you've learned much through this and I'm glad you're here for someone else with what you've learned. :wub2:

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I know exactly how you feel as I too am struggling to grieve because of what of know my husband was. I actually found out some of it 6 years ago and we separated then but got back together as I thought I was giving him another chance. A year ago I discovered a secret phone and found that in the years between he had not stopped messaging and meeting women but the pandemic made a formal separation impossible. 
 

I have such conflicting emotions. He was the kindest, most loving and devoted husband who would do anything for me - yet he could not stop this behaviour. He loved his life with me and I worked hard in the past year to give him everything he needed - love, affection, sex, affirmation, yet still he was (very innocuously) exchanging messages with someone so I know it would have continued to be an issue. He wouldn't have been able to help himself. I know that. But why?? When I was there to help him. It's the most frustrating part of my grief not understanding why.
 

I hold a lot of anger and when I feel sad or low I read the awful messages or look at the awful pics, to remind myself who he really was. One friend knows so that's helpful but my grief is so complex I don't know where to turn. I'm angry that he has disrupted my life by taking his. That I've now got to go through difficult times and a new relationship (or several) to find happiness. Another element is that, if I'm truly honest, I probably wasn't entirely happy with him but these discoveries made me cling, and desperately want to help him. I loved him very much. I now think he was terribly depressed but masked it. His family do that. I wish I could press fast forward on my life and skip the next few months of selling and moving away and move straight to happiness. I struggle to remember truly happy memories as so much of our life is marred by what he did. 

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Oh @Raw, I am so sorry!  This does indeed complicate our grief, each secret we discover, esp. when we thought we knew them.  That he took his own life give you yet another layer to deal with.  I hope you will find a support group for suicide survivors, it can help.  It may very well have been his secrets/guilt that drove him to do it.  I hope you realize none of this was your fault or doing in any way.

I hope you will print the article I listed above on tips as it is for ALL grievers going through this.  In addition, I hope you will find the following helpful:

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

Suicide: The Turning Point: An Inspirational Quote 8.2.18 - AfterTalkAfterTalk
 

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Jade1031

My husband and I celebrated 50 years of marriage in August of 2020. In 2015 he decided he wanted to move to see if he liked a new area. He was retired, I was still working. he did solo trips many times during our marriage, was a Vietnam vet battling PTSD, drug use and alcoholism. I felt these times away were good for him, and he had taken solo trips many times in the past. This time though, he bought a place, changed his drivers license and began a "friendship" with another woman, a companion who was "retired". He announced this to me in front of our daughter who was 34 at the time. I went home, packed his truck with as much of his belongings as I could, drove it to our cabin with separation papers on the front seat. By Christmas he was calling our kids and crying about his "mistake" and wanted to be home. Apparently this woman had asked for money and he kind of woke up. After much discussion, I agreed as long as counseling was on the table. He moved back in the fall 2016. He promised he had cut off communication with this woman, including blocking social media and phone numbers. I had no reason not to believe him. Things were going well, we took some healing trips together, COVID came and we spent more time together than ever. In September 2020 he was diagnosed with lung cancer, I supported him through massive treatments and his wish to be home. He passed away in March of this year. Like others I have read, I went through emails to close accounts, etc and came across numerous emails from the same woman.They were harmless, how are yous, but I noticed he talked about a trip "he was taking" not the 50 year anniversary trip he was taking with his wife.

Losing him is very sad for me, yet I find anger bubbling up and have difficulty sorting out those feelings. My daughters were here when I found those emails and the younger one feels I am angry at him and moving too fast, so she has decided to cut off communication. She is drinking her way through the grieving process, hard for me to watch. I have just connected with a therapist and hope he can help. Thanks for letting me share my story.

 

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Oh my gosh, Jade, you are going through a lot!  This man was a liar and a cheat willfully for quite a while and yet your daughter cuts of contact with YOU?!  No, that's just wrong.  I know how hard it is trying to be the parent of young adults, especially when you're alone, but we have no control over them or their reactions.  We can point things out as they are receptive but beyond that, nothing we can do, we have to let them figure their own way.  I am sorry you have this to deal with on your already full plate.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist to help you through this, it's a lot.  We can still love/miss the person we knew them to be even while angry with them for the lies, etc they told!  It doesn't have to make sense, feelings just are what they are, neither right or wrong, they just are what they are.  And everything you feel is valid and for valid reason.

I am sorry for your loss but I am also sorry for what he put you through.  (((hugs)))  You will realize just how strong/tough you are when you have some survival time under your belt, but it takes time to process all this and make our way through it.  My sister just told me how strong I am...I don't recall getting a choice.  ;)  It's been 16 years June 19/Father's Day.  I didn't see how I could do this a week but here I am.  I've learned to take it one day at a time and try not to take on the whole "rest of my life" as I have anxiety anyway and don't need more added to it!  This has been an evolutionary journey, for sure!  I've learned more in the last 16 years than in the rest of my life put together but I'd trade it all for five min. back with him...but I'm not sure I'd feel that way if he'd cheated on me.  His secrets were the lies he told to cover his drug use.  He left me with $72,000.00 in debt against a house I'd had paid off when we married!  And with all of it...lies, which I discovered after his death.  For a whole year I kept discovering things.  I never dreamed...if I'd wanted a liar I could have stayed with my kids' dad!  But you were married for 50 years, that's a lifetime, and it must feel surreal to think you didn't know the real him like you thought...you knew what he wanted you to think.  :(  My heart goes out to you.  
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Gail 8588

Jade, 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

The confusion and hurt cause by his writing those emails is totally understandable.  I am glad you have a counselor to help you process the information. 

I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found  this forum.  We we will offer you what comfort we can as we all strive to find a path forward.

Hugs,

Gail

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Mllewhimsy

Oh @Jade1031, mine may not be as intense since he was my boyfriend (LDR, never met) but my love for him was real and true. I found out about two other women after he died when I saw on his obituary someone refer to him as her 'boyfriend' (this was a few days after he died) and his ex telling me they were on again and off again since January this year so... I feel you. I asked him many times if he wanted to go through with the process of us being together and bringing me to the US because it would consume a lot of time and money- he said yes. He hated when I acted like I didn't trust him, and being accused of cheating. Being told "I wouldn't cheat because I've been cheated on and it sucks."

Sorry for that rant today is one of those days when the emotion is anger. What I've learned so far is that all feelings are valid- you are allowed to miss him, be sad, and be angry. This isn't an easy thing we're both going through but just go through YOUR process. Unfortunately we'll have to deal with the pain without them (the man), so it is tough- and I get you. Some days I cry and miss him, some days I don't even 'talk' to him or acknowledge him and want to blame him for the pain he's caused me.

I hope your therapist has been able to help and your daughter understands your situation a bit more.

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@Jade1031  I am so sorry for all you are going through as well.  My sorrow for your loss and for the sense of betrayal you must feel.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Diane R. E.
On 6/7/2021 at 7:23 AM, KayC said:

My sister just told me how strong I am...I don't recall getting a choice. 

This really hit home for me. In the earlier weeks of grief, my sisters would tell me how strong I was. I didn't feel strong but I remember thinking "what other option do I have?" 

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Exactly.  I don't recall how I felt when she said it...resentment?  Rebellion?  Too tired to even define anything anymore.

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Tisha Nolan

I googled how to handle your emotions when finding out your spouse was cheating after they die… this thread popped up. He passed on 9/6/21.. Here I am 18 days later with my emotions all over the place. I’m hurt, I’m pissed, I want him back and feel betrayed all at once, bc his infidelities and more than one possible baby has been popping up like wild fire. I had no clue of the children and neither does any of his family. We had issues with cheating in the past but he promised it was something of the past. Now I find out that he only got better at hiding it. 18.5 years and because of all that has surfaced I am angry bc at times I feel like maybe I never knew the love of my life as well as I thought. I wonder if he was truly happy bc I mean if he was why the cheating! And the possible children! It’s hard, how or do I even explain this to our children? Idk, I feel idk anything at the moment. I knew he had a problem but I thought we and he was better than all this.. I’m hurt for so many reasons right now! 

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Tisha, 

I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the confusing truths you discovered after his death. I can't really imagine the pain these revelations have caused you.  But I know the grief of losing the man you loved and depended on, and it is terrible. No matter what he was doing, your love for him was true. Your dreams for your future together were real. Your loss is life shattering, without all the other drama. Layering on the infidelity and betrayal makes this terrible loss so much harder to process.  My heart breaks for you. 

I hope your internet search led you to other sources to help you process this grief. 

I hope you will come here and vent, cry, share, question or just read other's posts. Although our circumstances differ, the pain we suffer as we try to cope with the loss of our loved one, often has many similarities. 

Gail

 

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15 hours ago, Tisha Nolan said:

I’m hurt, I’m pissed, I want him back and feel betrayed all at once

ALL of your feelings are valid!  All of them at once.  Love, missing, hurt/anger, all of it.  I want you to understand that you didn't cause any of this, none of iit is your fault, he made choices because of HIS own personal problems, wrong choices for his own insecurities, lack of ability to effectively communicate or handle things in a constructive way.  Because of that, YOU are suffering.  For your own sake, it will be important to forgive him, but it doesn't have to be today.  Today it's okay to feel love, hate, anger, cry, etc.  You may find yourself wanting to know all of the details...you may NOT want to know anything!  ALL of the above is understandable.  I hope you have a close friend you can confide in, someone you can count on to not try to undermine your love for him though as that's not helpful as a whole.  The fact is, you love/d him.  You had something with him.  Just because all of this may make you question everything doesn't mean you don't still love him...or him you.  He may not have even known why he did it!  It's so much harder learning this AFTER they died because we can't beat on their chest and yell at them and have them hold us and tell us they're sorry.  But I'd be willing to bet if he's looking in, he IS sorry!  Maybe write to him and tell him everything you're feeling and then burn it, let the vapors carry the message to him.  Whether they hear us or not isn't even the point, it's in TELLING them!  We need to have our voice heard.

We've lost not only them but our future, our plans, our hopes and dreams...we're left scrambling to figure out how to assimilate all that's been dumped on us in such a short time!  And that w/o a manual.  I hope you will get a good grief counselor. 

You may have seen this posted already but I want to make sure you have it to save/print as we go through much evolution in our grief journey, what strikes you one day will be something else the next, and on down the road.  I am so sorry for your loss and all of the pain you are going through.  We want to welcome you here.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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